Chapter one: Through the Refrigerator
Be the cool kid
Oh hey, you are now the cool kid. You adjust your pointy anime shades and-
No not that cool kid, he's too cool. The other one.
He's asleep jackass, try someone else.
Wake him up
The other cool kid is roused from his sleep, a glare aimed at whatever woke him up.
Your name is Dave Strider, and god dammit you told Dirk not to wake you up till 2 o'clock. He's such an asshole… You sit up, reaching your arms upwards in a stretch while yawning. Since you now have two hours to get ready for work instead of one, you guess you should find something to do.
Go get some apple juice.
You get the sudden urge to drink apple juice, however this doesn't strike you as weird. You're always drinking that shit. After you've heaved yourself out of bed, you snatch a crumpled shirt off the floor, and put it on. You fell asleep in your boxers, and you find no need to put pants on. Your white with red heart patterned boxers are too ironic to not show off. Pushing open your door, you quickly look down either end of the short hallway. You don't want to be caught up in a strife with your bro before you've had your AJ. Affirming the coast is clear, you sneak down the hall, light on your feet, and peer around the corner that leads to the kitchen. Empty. Excellent.
You leisurely make your way to the fridge, and furrow your eyebrows. It was open. With a disgusted groan at your careless brother, you open it further. And shriek. A lady with mocha skin, and a fashionable black bob was kneeling there at the bottom. Two white strips stuck out of her head, twitching. Ears?!
All the shelves had disappeared, and behind her there is only darkness. She blinks her dark brown eyes, as you stare down at her, and stands. A red skirt pools around her ankles, and she brushes it off as if it had gotten dirty. After tugging down on her black shirt, with some jade coloured symbol on it, she gazes at you calculatingly.
"We are late."
"We're… What?!"
"Late Mr. Strider, must I repeat myself?"
They lady turns on her heels and disappeared into the darkness of your fridge.
Follow the strange woman.
"Wait up," you hollar after her. Who's idea was it for you to not put on pants this morning?
Living with your brother you've seen some strange shit. But this? This takes first place. You jog to catch up with the tall lady, eyes traveling around the circular tunnel. It was made of compacted dirt and every few feet there were a few random playing cards sticking out. They seemed to glow, dimly lighting up the dark space. You stop for a moment to try to pull one out, but Mrs. bunny ears cleared her throat impatiently.
"Right. Sorry. So what are we late for?"
"For the hearing. You're going to court."
She said it slowly, like she was talking to a toddler. You bristled and clenched your fists.
"Listen Bunny, I sure as hell ain't going to court. First of all, I haven't done anything wrong. Second of all, I have work in an hour and a half so I need to go get ready."
"My name is Kanaya, not Bunny."
Kanaya wrinkled her nose at the nickname.
"And you will be going to this hearing. You, Dave Strider, have been sentenced to a beheading by the sixty-ninth ruler of Wonderland, his majesty the King of Hearts."
"Beheading?! What the fuck did I do to deserve that?!"
With a smug smile, the brown eyed woman continued walking.
"For eating His Majesty's grub-sauce tarts."
Blanching, you back up a few feet. Not only did she assume you ate some shitty sounding pastry, but you were going to be executed for it.
"Oh fuck no I'm out of here."
Before you can bolt back down the long card strewn tunnel, Kanaya has her dainty hand wrapped around your wrist with a vice like grip. With her other hand she pulls a tube of lipstick from her skirt pocket. She uncapped it, and it grew before your eyes into a shining, four foot chainsaw.
"You are not going anywhere Mr. Strider."
You gulped loudly.
"Alright, alright, jesus fuck!"
She smiled triumphantly, and placed the cap back on the tip of the chainsaw, which once again, shrank into a tube of lipstick.
"I am glad you could see things my way."
You have to get out of here. You are not going to let some psycho chainsaw wielding bunny chick take you to Wonderland (where ever the fuck that is) to behead you. Once Kanaya started walking again, pushing you in front of her so you won't try to make a break for home again, you formulate a plan. Not a very good one, but it's better than nothing. You began to sprint, running faster than you ever had, leaving bunny lady in your dust. You can hear her yelling at you, and the grating noise of her weapon, but in a few minutes it all fades into silence.
Take a break.
As soon as you're sure Kanaya is a safe distance behind you, you lean limply against the tunnel wall, sliding down. Something is poking into your back, and you reach your arm behind you to feel up the dirt until you find the source. It's one of the cards. You turn around and yank it out of the wall, settling back into position once you've done so. King of Hearts. Huh, the one who supposedly wants you dead.
With a sigh, you get to your feet and start running again. There has to be an exit somewhere!
What must have been an hour later, natural light began to filter into the dirt passageway. The walls started narrowing and eventually you had to crawl on your hands and knees to fit. And then there it was. A few feet in front of you was a hole, letting in the light. You sped up your crawling, and dragged yourself out of the tunnel. Fresh air replaced the stale air that had been filling your lungs for the past hour or two. Flopping onto your back, you lifted your eyes to the sky. It was was clear, an intense blue making your eyes water. It seemed to be late afternoon here, kind of odd, because it had been morning when you entered the tunnel. You hadn't been in there that long, had you?
Jerking up, you looked around in confusion. You were in a field of grass, with the opening to the tunnel (that suspiciously looked like a rabbit hole) to your right. To your left there were a few dozen flowers, that were at least one story tall. In front of you sprawled a forest, each tree a different color. The effect was pretty trippy.
"Toto, I don't think we're in Texas anymore," you mumble.
"Who's Toto?"
Scrambling to your feet, you whip around to find a cloaked figure sitting on a short stocky mushroom, a hood drawn tight around his face. You assumed it was a he, his voice was gruff, although not as deep as yours. He jumped off the red and white mushroom, his gray cloak fluttering, and then settling back around him.
"It's- nothing. Forget I said anything."
"Listen here fuckass, I asked you a question. It's only polite to answer!"
You groaned. Great, you finally made it to safety, and some asshole makes it his business to irritate you and sneer at your boxers.
"It's a figure of speech. From the movie Wizard of Oz? You know?"
The cloaked figure didn't say anything for a minute, an air of puzzlement surrounding him.
"Wait, you haven't even heard of that movie?!"
"Of course I have! It just slipped my mind you think-panless dolt!"
You raise your eyebrow at the strange insult, definitely some local thing.
"Well it's been… interesting. But I have to beat it. Some crazy chick is after my ass and I have to find a way back home."
"To the 'Texas' you mentioned?"
"Yup. Home sweet home."
He walked up to you, and once he was closer you discovered that he was shorter than you by about half a head. He slipped off his hood revealing snow white hair and red eyes that rivaled yours in brightness. You would have guessed that he was albino, but he didn't have the almost sickly look you contributed to them. It was a cute combination.
"What?"
You realize you'd been staring and avert your gaze. Out of all the days you'd left the house without your shades, why did this have to be one of them!
"I just haven't really met anyone with eyes like mine."
Suddenly his hands were on either side of your face, pulling you down so you were eye to eye with him.
"Hey! What-"
"I thought you just had burgundy eyes and the sun was making them look brighter, but you do have eyes like mine."
He looked mystified, and you chuckled nervously, your face still rather close to his.
"No shit Sherlock, that's what I just said."
The boy tilted his head, and withdrew his hands.
"Sherlock?"
"Agh, another figure of speech. How can you not have heard of Sherlock?"
"Maybe it's just a Texas thing," he huffed.
"Right. Just a Texas thing. Hey, I never caught your name."
"It's… Karkat."
Wait? What are you doing! You have to get away from the rabbit hole, Kanaya could appear at any minute!
"Dude, I really have to go. I think being beheaded would be a really shitty way to end today."
"You've been sentenced?"
Karkat was suddenly looking at you through narrowed eyes. Oh shit, not another psycho all for killing you.
"Yeah. I've been framed for eating some shitty pastry I've never even heard of."
"A grub-sauce tart?"
"How'd you know?"
His eyebrows are furrowed now, and you consider bolting again. Good looking or not, you need to ditch Karkat. He could alert Kanaya to your whereabouts.
"You're Dave," he says slowly. "You're a wanted man."
Shit, shit shit this isn't going to turn out well.
"And you say you've been framed?"
Oh? Maybe he'll listen, unlike Mrs. Bunny Ears.
"I think so, unless there's another Dave Strider running around. I've never even been here before."
You rub the back of your head, a smile sliding across your features.
"I wouldn't mind there being another Dave though. You can never have enough sexy."
"Self centered prick."
"So I've heard," you say coyly.
Karkat looked deep in thought, and you began walking towards the towering flowers and mushrooms.
"Where the fuck do you think you're going insufferable douche bag!?"
"Away from that hole. Kanaya'll catch up with me at sometime."
The shorter boy quickly chased after you, until he was striding beside you.
"Kanaya? She's the royal families bounty hunter and event organizer."
"What a fun combo," you grumble as you approach the enormous plants.
Karkat leapt in front of you, effectively halting you in your tracks.
"If you're trying to escape, only an ignorant idiot with sopor slime for brains would go that way."
Karkat grabbed your wrist like Kanaya did earlier, but this time was different. He put enough pressure for you to know you could tear out of his grip at anytime you wanted, and not the bone crushing force Kanaya had used.
"The Mome Raths hate intruders, and aren't too picky about what they eat."
"What are Mome Raths?"
Karkat gestured up at a flower looming above them. It was a bit smaller than the ones surrounding it and had white petals like a daisy. The red eyed boy swiftly ran up to it, and kicked the base of the stalk before retreating back next to you. The stem bent, showing the center of the white flower. Instead of the yellow middle you had expected, there was a gaping maw. Teeth, sharp and as long as swords, stuck out at all angles, and a long undulating tongue slipped through the fangs, looking as if it was tasting the air.
"Holy-"
"Shut up!" Karkat hissed. "It'll hear you!"
"You're the one who kicked it! It's probably already noticed us!"
You continued bickering with the white haired boy, oblivious to the slippery tongue snaking closer to the two of you.
"Why the hell did you have to attack it anyway? It wasn't hurting anyone!"
"It was an example so you could see what would happen to any fuckass who had the guts to-"
Karkat abruptly cut off with a yelp. The Mome Rath had snuck its tongue around his ankle without his notice. With a swift jerk, Karkat was pulled off the ground and upside down. He spat out curses and fumbled with his cloak, eventually unclasping it. It floated to the ground, revealing Karkats previously hidden form. He was lean and- Holy shit right now is not a good time to ogle the struggling boy.
"Help me! You bulge sucking asshole, why the hell did you bother talking to me!? Now I'm going to die and it's your fault!"
"You're the one who went blathering to me first, sunshine!"
Karkat's face was turning red, as all the blood went rushing to his head. His hands shot towards his sides, and he pulled two curved items out of leather sheaths. They glinted green and pink in the fading sun, as he threw them at you. You sidestepped just in time, as they sliced into the ground where you had been standing fractions of a second ago. Gingerly prying them out of the ground you realize what the were. A pair of sickles.
"YOU NEARLY JUST-"
"SHUT UP AND SAVE ME!"
The Mome Rath was dangling Karkat over its mouth tauntingly, it's center contorted into a hideous smirk. As if the plant had damn emotions. Well if it did, you hope this hurt.
Save the loud mouth.
You charged the smug son of a bitch, a sickle in either hand. A few of its leaves had elongated into tentacle like vines, and it swatted at you. You dodged with prowess, years of strife serving your purpose. With a swipe of your arm you managed to cut off one of the tendrils, earning a watery sounding howl from the monstrous flower. Another one whipped past your head, and you ducked, decapitation avoided by mere inches. A vine shot out at you, aiming for your chest. You side stepped it, dropping one of the sickles, and at the last second grabbed onto it. It writhed in your hand, and with an angry shout you brought down your other arm. With a loud swish it flopped to the ground still twitching. The Mome Rath yowled and dropped Karkat, and his red eyes widened in horror as he fell.
You dived for the descending boy, evading green tendrils which were desperately trying to strike you. Karkat hit you, and the two of you went down. You landed on your back, Karkat landing on top of you with heaving breaths. Damn, that was going to leave a bruise. The white haired boy looked down at at you, and wheezed out a thank you. Looks like he'd gotten the breath knocked out of him.
The vines were regrouping, and one in particular was sneaking closer to behind Karkats back. With a cry of alarm, you flipped your positions, and the tendril plowed into your back. That one was definitely bruising. No doubt about it.
"Dave! What the fuck you idiot, I'm not a god damn princess, I could have handled that!"
You rose to your feet unsteadily, and felt something sticky on your back. With a growl you realized that the hit had cut you. You were bleeding. Scrambling for the discarded sickles, you stormed towards the carnivorous flower, hacking off vines whenever they tried to attack you. You were only a few feet away from the stem, when the whole Mome Rath bent over, its petals brushing the ground. It roared, bits of sticky yellow opaque liquid spraying everywhere. A drop splashed against your cheek, and you hissed in pain. That shit's acidic.
The flower gnashed its stark white teeth at you, and its tongue snapped forward. With something that you hoped sound like a war cry and not some constipated shriek, you swung the sickles so that they crossed over the slimy appendage.
The metal curves of the blades sliced through the tongue like a hot knife through butter, and thick yellow goop gushed out. The Mome Rath shrieked, jerkily rising back to its full height and swaying in agony. While it was distracted by its pain you jolted forward the last few feet to its stalk. You ignored the stabbing pain located on your back, and Karkat's frenzied shouts. All you focused on was the adrenaline coursing through your veins, and the target in front of you.
With an enraged shout, you start hacking through the stem. With each slice large green chunks flew off the base, and the Mome Rath's shrieks grew louder. You finally started to tire. There was about a solid half foot that remained before you cut through completely, so you gave one final swing and kicked the overgrown flower stalk. There was a thunderous snap, and the Mome Rath gave a final bellow before plummeting to the earth. It shuddered, and then stilled, its maw lolling open.
"Timber, motherfucker!" You yell triumphantly.
Remember that you're injured and fall over.
Waves of pain crash over you, and the world swayed as you realized how much blood you must have lost. You collapsed onto your knees, and Karkat was there in an instant.
"What the actual fuck were you thinking?! Normally it takes a whole squad of soldiers to take a Mome Rath out! You literal piece of trash… Can you stand? We should start heading towards the Tulgey Woods. It'll be… safer in there."
"You don't sound awfully sure of that," you said with a grunt as the smaller boy hefted you to your feet.
Although he was short and lean he was sturdily built, and you could put the majority of your weight on him without knocking him over.
"Well there is the Bandersnatch… But we shouldn't have to worry about him."
"The what."
Karkat started towards the colourful woods, dragging you along. He looked a little nervous, which made you nervous. If the Bandersnatch was anything like the Mome Raths, than you think you'd rather take your chances with the rabbit hole and Kanaya.
The majority of the tedious trek was blanketed with silence, both you and the white haired boy weary from the fight. The sun had sunk behind the grove of mushrooms and Mome Raths, and it was starting to get dark. Karkat appeared to notice as well, and mumbled quietly.
"We're going to have to set up camp in the woods."
"Is that bad?"
"Not necessarily. Once we set up base though we should get your back bandaged."
"It's fine!" You protest.
You've had plenty of worse injuries. Living with Bro was an hazard in itself. Swords were all over the damn apartment, and getting cuts and slices if one wasn't careful wasn't uncommon. Speaking of which, you wonder if Dirk had noticed your disappearance. If he did you hoped he had the decency to call your manager at the cafe to let him know you weren't coming in.
Before you knew it, you and karkat were standing in front of the Tulgey Woods. Its vividness had faded with the sun, and the myriad of colours looked more daunting than cheerful.
Enter the woods.
(A/N:
Caliah: Hey y'all, what'd you think of the first chapter? Reviews and respectful criticism are welcome. Anything recognizable, mainly the characters from Homestuck and references to Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, do not belong to me. Some of the references so far are from the Jabberwocky poem (which I'm in love with XD.)