This is, hopefully, quite fluffy and while I'm not entirely sure how realistic it is I hope it is ok. It was partly inspired by some random conversations in my Biology class today and a small part by something from my childhood. This is probably only going to be a one-shot :)
Finishing his shift, Jonny couldn't help but find himself gazing around the ward, looking for the red haired consultant. It had been almost an hour since he'd seen her, since she'd disappeared in to the sanctuary of her office and as far as he knew she hadn't emerged since. It saddened him that despite everything she appeared to be avoiding him.
He made his way down over the stairs, trying to push her from his mind but he knew it was impossible. Even if the moments when he felt like he hated her, she plagued his thoughts. She had infiltrated so much of his life, and yet the physical traces of her presence there was rare. He considered, perhaps, that the only evidence in his flat was the scan photo which he'd placed on his fridge as she had stated. He had done it for her, thinking that maybe if she saw it there she would be touched – though he knew the likelihood of that happening was slim.
He stepped out in the warm night and smiled, as he for a moment glanced up at a sky which was only just darkening. He liked it when the nights began to pull out, when he could arrive home when it wasn't yet totally dark. He started to make his way to his car, and frowned as he caught sight of a huddled figure in a familiar grey hoodie. Even from a distance, he knew it was her.
He detoured, turning from the direction of where he'd parked his car to the place where she sat. He quickened his pace a little, and he watched as she raised her head, she had obviously sensed that someone was heading towards her. Coming to a halt in front of her, he was surprised by how pale she appeared until the soft glow of the moon and he wondered how he had failed to notice it on the ward.
He settled down next to her, and without touching, or even looking at, her, he knew that she had tensed; that his very presence had, had that effect on her though he wasn't entirely sure why. He turned slightly so that he could see her face in profile; she didn't bother to turn towards him.
"Go away Jonny" she speaks softly, still not turning towards him. Instead she looks ahead, staring at some point in the distance though he is almost certain that she is seeing nothing. There is something about her that seems so vulnerable, and he wishes that he could place an arm around her shoulders; drawing her body towards his but he knows she will push him away, and he cannot face that.
"You headed home?" he asks, ignoring her request. He thinks of it as a test, to see how quickly he would give in to her but he determined to stick around. To prove to her that he is going nowhere, though he knows it isn't going to be easy. She swallows hard and twists her hands together.
"I was" she answers, gently, wishing her would just leave her be. She daren't turn towards him, to see the whirl of his mind as she considers what she has said, and tries to work out her meaning. She closes her eyes for the briefest of moments as she thinks of what to say, opening them she frowns, "I just needed to sit for a moment" she adds quietly.
"You had a dizzy spell again?" he questions, shifting his position so that he is angled more towards her though still she refuses to look at him. He watches as she blinks a few times as if she is considering whether to answer him honestly or whether to attempt a lie that she knows he'll see through. He watches as she bunches her hands in to fists.
"It was nothing Jonny" she tells him, though she knows it won't be enough to content him. A part of her is touched by his concern though she believes it is only really for the baby, rather than for her but the other part of her finds it suffocating. She isn't used to having others care about her.
"Are you eating properly?" he asks, thinking back over the day and trying to pinpoint moments when he has seen her with food in hand. He knows how little she tends to eat regularly and how it had concerned him before but now it is all the more important and he watches as a shadow passes over her face as she too thinks over the day. She glances downwards, and he knows. "Jac" his voice is filled with concern and something that she thinks may be disappointment but she isn't sure. "You have to eat, you know that" he adds.
"I can't deal with this, with you" she speaks quietly, pushing herself up from the bench though she still doesn't feel quite right. She walks a few steps, before she realises her mistake and she feels her balance waver, and she wobbles dangerously for moment before she feels arms come around her body. So much of her wants to push away from him but she knows that if she does, she'll end up in a heap on the ground.
"Come with me" he commands, and while she attempts to resist, it is a futile attempt as she takes control and guides her in the direction of his parked car. She know she is leaning heavily against him, and she wishes she could keep her controlled poise but the lightness of her head prevents it. She silently curses herself for not having eaten throughout the day but the fear of bringing it back up and attracting attention had prevented her. Now she is unsure which is worse.
Eventually she finds herself pressed in the passenger seat of his car, and she watches as he rummages in his work bag while he walks around to the drivers side of the car. Finally she sees him smile as he locates whatever he has been feeling for. He settles himself in the seat next to her and withdraws the item before throwing the bag on to the back seat with such a lack of care that almost brings a smile to her face.
"Here eat this" he tells her pressing a packet in to her hand and she looks down to see some sort of breakfast bar thing; presumably his emergency food supply for the mornings when he awakens late and ends up madly dashing to the hospital – or the days when he awakens in the bed of a woman and doesn't plan on sticking around for breakfast. The latter saddens her, the thought that he could have moved on though she knows the possibility is very real, and that it shouldn't affect her after everything.
She opens the packet slowly, and pulls out one of the biscuit things. She looks at it for a moment before she takes a bit hoping that it is plain enough that her stomach will tolerate it – or at least tolerate it long enough for her to get home. She hates being sick, but she can cope better in private without the pity or sympathy. She eats it slowly, and she knows that he is watching her once again. When she is finally finished, she rests her head back against the seat, closing her eyes for a moment. He too rests himself back against his seat, though he continues to watch her. He can see the bags developing under her eyes, the fact that she looks so very exhausted. He isn't sure how long he sits there, but finally she opens her eyes and he smiles.
"Feeling any better?" he asks, and he watches as her face changes before a very small smile settles on her lips. She nods, and realises that her head is no longer whirling as dangerously as it had been and that actually her stomach doesn't appear to be churning despite the addition of food in to it. "Good" he adds before he settles himself and prepares to drive.
Driving through the roads of Holby, it strikes Jac that he isn't heading in the direction of either of their homes and for a moment this worries her. She doesn't like the unknown, and a feeling of distrust strikes her as she turns to look at him; at the way he is concentrating on the road. All she wants is to go home and to curl up beneath her duvet, for the blackness to engulf her. For something so very small, the embryo saps her energy like nothing she has ever known and she wonders how she is going to cope over the next few months.
Finally he pulls to a halt in an area she is unfamiliar. It is at the posher end of Holby; a place where she has rarely ventured – not being one for the greenery that surrounds the area nor does she feel at ease in these types of places though she puts on an act.
"Where are we Jonny?" She asks wearily, her tone a little wary. He turns to her with a smile on his face, as he shuts off the engine. He had been meaning to bring her here for some time, though he is unsure why he has chosen too tonight, he had driven on autopilot.
"Come with me" he repeats his words from earlier and she raises an eyebrow, annoyed by his response. He gets out of the car and makes his way around to her side, opening the door for her and sighing she gets out knowing that going with him is probably the quickest way to do this. Putting up a fight will just be delaying the inevitable.
"I'm really not in the mood for this" she tells him, and for a moment he considers turning back but instead he snakes an arm around her waist; daring a second moment of contact, of guiding her. To his surprise once again she doesn't push him away but instead walks alongside him. He moves slowly, studying the wall which lines the path until finally he comes to a gate. She watches as she pushes it gently and how it gives way with very little effort. He gently guides her inside and they find themselves within the confines of a large garden. Some ways in the distance, Jac can just about make out a large house all in darkness.
He doesn't speak as he guides her through the garden, trying to remember the correct path to take. He wonders what she makes of the surroundings, of the large looming trees and the bright flowers which seem to glow. He wonders if she is as struck by the beauty of this place as he is, but he doesn't dare to look at her face instead he keeps walking until finally he sees it, the ornate bench and the archway covered in roses. She guides her over to the bench and presses her down in to it, taking a seat beside her. The clearing is almost as he remembers it, though there are a few differences. He looks up at the night sky and smiles at the twinkling stars overhead.
"What is this place?" She asks finally, somewhat curious by why he has bought her here and why they appear to have broken in to somebodies garden. He thinks, wondering how on earth to answer that question. He studies the archway and how the roses are entwined around it, how it is almost impossible to work out the different plants because of how they have twisted together.
"A friend of mine is the gardener here" he answers, though he knows it doesn't actually answer the question she has asked. He thinks of his friend, the man whose help he had enlisted so many months before knowing that he needed somewhere special but that his knowledge of Holby wasn't sufficient to find the perfect place. When Jamie had suggested the garden in which he worked, Jonny had balked at the idea; the idea of breaking and entering not quite fitting in with his plan though Jamie had tried to reassure him that the owner was home so rarely it wouldn't even be noticed – and when he had seen the place he had known that nowhere else would live up to this.
"The gardener?" Jac laughs a little at this, though he can see the way she glances around her as if expecting someone to leap out and catch them.
"Jamie" he responds though he doesn't know why. Jac has never met the man and would have no clue who he was and yet it was almost automatic. He thinks for a moment of the garden as it had been when he'd seen it first. In the winter months, the owners had the gardeners string lanterns in the trees which were lit nightly. The lights were for the fairies in the months when they had no stars to light their home, and it was a tradition continued long after the owners children had grown. Even know the owner's husband had died, still she continued for the fairies that she had long since come to believe in. It was a story that Jonny had wanted to share with Jac, though he had feared her scepticism but he had wanted to talk to her of traditions, to think of the ones that they could start in a life together. He thinks of their child, and he wonders what traditions they will start for him or her – and if he will even be a part of them.
"Jamie the gardener – right – so am I right in thinking the owners have no idea we're here?" She doesn't say it as a question instead it's more of a statement and he sighs. He twists in the seat and takes her hands in his. She continues to gaze outwards, at the beauty around them.
"No but she's rarely home and this place it's perfect" he whispers, watching her "like you" he adds, his words soft and he sees the way she blinks as if she wonders if she has even heard him correctly. She starts a little and he sees her move away from him though she doesn't pull her hands from his.
"Jonny don't" she mutters, squeezing her eyes shut. She cannot deal with this and with him. She doesn't trust herself, or him but at the sound of his words her heart rate has quickened and for a moment her breath is stolen. He is correct, she knows, about the perfection of this place but she knows that she does not reach those heady heights. She is so far from that, that she wonders if she even deserves to be here, with him.
"This place" he speaks quietly, looking about him and thinking of what he had, had planned before. Of the words that had danced in his head as he had made arrangements, as he had thought things through. Things had been so good until the night when she had slept with the paediatrician, when she had singlehandedly destroyed the good that they had created together, and though they had tried to reclaim it things had broken down around them once more, "this place is beautiful like you but there are parts so tucked away that you have to battle to reach them, fight until your arms are raw from thorns and twigs, until you bleed and yet you continue because you know that when you reach that place, that you'll be rewarded. This garden is like you – only no matter how much I seem to fight, somehow the barriers seem to reform quicker than I can break them down and yet I cannot seem to give up – I cannot give up on you" he speaks quickly and quietly, and he thinks for a moment in the glow of the moonlight he can see the glow of unshed tears in her eyes.
"Jonny" her voice has a note of warning, but he doesn't take heed of it. He has been waiting for so long and he needs her to hear the words. They aren't the words he had wanted to say before but these are just as important. He squeezes her hands for a moment, wishing she would turn to face him but knowing she won't; for fear of him once again seeing her cry.
"I cannot give up on you because I love you" he says the words confidently, he speaks them in to the star filled night and he watches as she blinks, as a tear slips down her cheek as she hears words she has longed to hear him say but which she cannot bring herself to trust.
"You're only saying that because of the baby" she reasons, the thought having slipped in to her mind. He removes one of his hands from hers and for a moment, she feels that she is right. That she has stumbled on the truth and then she feels his hand cup her cheek. He can feel the wetness of the tear trail as he gently turns her face towards his.
"Jacqueline" she raises an eyebrow at the sound of her full name and he smiles, "ok Jac. Jac Naylor, I love you. Not because you are carrying our baby, or because you are a demon in the supply cupboard. I love you because you are beautiful and perfect, and in spite the fact you try to push me away and to pretend that nothing exists between us. I love you because despite the fact you are one of the most infuriating and difficult women I have ever met in my entire life, I love you because of that. Jac, I love you plain and simple" Everytime he states those words a tear slips silently down her cheeks as she tries to convince herself that she can trust him, that there is no dishonesty in his eyes and that his words are genuine. She tries to convince herself that this is not simply her mind playing tricks on her, allowing her to see what she wants rather than what is real.
"I can't" She whispers, unsure of herself and what is happening. She wishes the tears would stop falling and she wishes she could simply blame the hormones coursing through her, but she knows it is something more. He gently wipes the tears from her cheek.
"Can't what Jac?" he asks before her realises what she means and he frowns before he places a delicate kiss on her forehead, on the place where months before he had stitched closed the cut sustained in her fall.
"Let myself believe" she whispers so quietly, as more tears threaten to fall, "let myself believe that someone would be stupid enough to love someone like me, when I've done all I can to hurt them, destroy them even, to push them from my life and my heart even though it tries so desperately to stop me" the tears fall freely again and he looks at her.
"Then I am obviously the most stupid man on this planet" he tells her, giving her his most goofy smile that causes her to laugh for a moment in spite of the tears that fall, "because I Jonathan Maconie love you Jac Naylor whether you want to believe it or not" again he kisses her and she knows her cheeks are now drenched in the tears she has shed. She has waited so long to hear that somebody loves her, that it is overwhelming to have heard those words repeated. She looks in to his eyes and with a start she realises that she believes him. Perhaps she does not fully trust the words – that they will not come to haunt and hurt her later, but she believes in them, that in this moment they are real.
"I love you too" she whispers so softly she doubts he will even have heard her, but she sees the smile dance on his face, the smile that extends to his eyes and causes them to light up. A smile so beautiful it for a moment breaks her. She shivers a little and she feels his arm come around her and for a moment she tenses before she relaxs and allows him to draw her body against his. He holds her in his arms on the bench and she closes her eyes, for a second just before they shut she thinks she sees a movement – a tiny flickering at the base of a tree – but she pushes the thought away instead choosing to enjoy the safety of his arms. Of being held by someone who wants her, who is willing to fight for her even if it means fighting against her past in order to claim her future. She settles against him, and she feels safe.
He holds her, enjoying the moment of closeness, of having her in his arms and knowing that he never wants this moment to end. He holds her knowing that while this moment will end, there is the chance of similar moments a head of them. He holds her tightly while she'll allow him to do so, hoping all the while that this is how their future will be.
When he realises she has fallen asleep, he smiles and looks down at her face. Her cheek glistening with tears but there is something peaceful about her, a peace he is certain he has never seen before and gently he kisses the top of her head, trying to delay the moment when he has to awaken her; to take her home, to the place where he hopes they will sleep curled in each others arms, secure in the knowledge that they have each other's love.