teh best Soren fanfic EVAR

Note: ...okay, this is a parody for real. I saw this topic on GFaqs that pissed me off a little. A bunch of nublets were trying to bet on whether Soren got a chick to hook up with. ...Come on. n00bs, all of them. Soren likes either Ike or no one. SorenStefan just isn't cool--Soren refuses him "to be by Ike's side". (I quote the Japanese version, which I translated parts of. I also translated IkeSoren from the Japanese. NoA took out a lot of Soren's polite nature, and made him less clingy, but judging by all the fangirls they didn't take it all out.) But despite how sweet IkeSoren was, people just can't seem to stop screwing it with their bad fanfics and cheesy fanart. Granted, I've seen a few decent things with IkeSoren, not including mine because I think mine sucked. And I've seen good fanart. But the majority of it is a pile of crap.

Anyway, if this offends you, go take your anger out on the GFaqs n00bs. They started it.

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Ike sat down next to Soren. "How are you today, sweetie-poo?"

"Just fine, sugarbuns. Except for the fact that you're the only person who likes me."

The mercenary cuddled the little mage. "Aww, Soren, I love you enough for fifty people."

"But it's not enough! I'm still slightly suicidal, and I'm still missing my favorite Good Charlotte album. Woe and angst is me!"

"But Soren, love will cheer you up! At least it said so in that crap romance novel I read with the suicidal prostitute and the drug dealer pimp."

Soren clung to the swordsman. "Okay. I believe you."

They sat there for a while, with Soren listening to Ike's heartbeat and thinking mushy thoughts. Ike sneezed. Soren slapped him. So Ike repressed his sneezes and killed a few brain cells. Because holding your sneezes in does that to you.

"Ike. I just thought of something I needed to tell you."

"What is it, Soren?"

"Ike, I'm leaving you."

"W... What?! Why?!" Ike clung to the mage tighter. "But we said forever!"

Soren looked dismayed. "Ike, I just can't be with you anymore."

"Give me a reason, Soren... please..."

The raven-haired boy took a deep breath. "Ike, I need hooters."

Ike's stare went blank. "...Hooters?"

"Yeah. You know... boobs. Those things on a girl. That's why I can't be with you. You don't have them."

"That's a stupid reason."

"Too bad, Ike. I like girls."

"But...! You slept with me!"

Soren sighed. "I was drunk, Ike. What do you expect me to do when a certain mercenary captain laces my Kool-Aid with Jack Daniels?"

"For the record, it was Jose Cuervo."

"WhatEVER!" shouted Soren. "I was drunk to begin with. Whatever the case, I'm leaving."

"But... Soren, I... thought you were... kind of... um... gay...?"

"What would make you think that?!" yelled Soren, stuffing his lacy pink underwear into his bag. "I'm as straight as can be. Goodbye, Ike. I hope Oliver rapes you."

A few seconds passed. "Yeah, well... screw you too." But to Ike's dismay, our favorite young magician was already out the door and on the road.