Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. If I did, the show would be in this country, first of all, and would need a much higher rating…
Saying Goodbye
To Be Loved
The jangle of keys, the thud of the door as it slowly opens.
"You're late." She says, no trace of emotion.
He doesn't look at her, just throws his coat haphazardly into a chair and walks into the kitchen. "Work."
"You could of called." She said quietly, staring out the window. "You could of told me."
'But he never does, does he? He never will, will he?'
He's at the kitchen table, she's in the living room, they're backs are facing. "I was late, okay? There's a lot of shit happening in the office."
'But you weren't in the office, were you?'
"I have to go out again, they need me. I might not be back again until later tomorrow."
'It's her who needs you, her you're going to. She who's waiting with open arms, she whoyou're thinking about.'
The door slams closed, he's gone again. Kikyo bites her lip, watching the lights in distant, happy houses. She picks up the phone and dials the emergency room at the hospital.
"If you ate a bunch of iron tablets, would you die?" she asks, holding up the bottle of supplements.
"Well, yeah, ten would kill you, if taken at once." Answers a voice at the other line. "If some-one has, you should take them in right away. It can take up to an hour for side effects to show up, so don't count on those. Any signs of diarrhoea, vomiting, or feeling faint?"
"No, I was just curious." She answers. The man at the hospital listens to the dial tone when she puts down the phone, and thinks of his wife at home.
She picks up the bottle and walks into the bedroom. Lays ten fat grey pills on the side table. She takes a glass of water and swallows the first.
She remembered the first time she saw her. She was talking to Inuyasha, he was smiling, something he hadn't done in years. She was pretty, looked a bit like Kikyo when she was young, happy, in love.
Love. She swallows another.
She was never in love, but in lust. She was young when they met, a bored school teacher, a first class playboy living off inheritance. He was her escape, she was his toy. They married six months after they met.
'Three years ago today. He wouldn't remember though, would he?'
She swallows another.
It was a year after they married troubles arose. She began to have doubts, he was moody, distant, they didn't talk anymore. He began to come home later and later.
It was when he met her, Kagome, that Kikyo realised lust wasn't enough to save a marriage. Lust dies; love lives. They shared their last kiss seven months after the honeymoon.
Another goes in. She starts to feel drowsy.
He didn't bother to hide it, he came home smelling of her perfume, a love bit occasionally scarring his neck. He taunted her silently, wanted her to scorn him, yell at him, spite him for cheating on her.
But she didn't, did she? He was daring, she married him for it.
Another tablet down her throat.
Maybe if she stopped him, things would have been better. Maybe if she loved him, he wouldn't run off to her arms every night. Maybe if she was different, if she could heal his scars and make him happy like she could…
Maybe. Maybe, always maybe something can be different, but it never is.
She takes another. Six now. Her stomach hurts, her head is spinning, but she ignores it.
She had a chance to be with someone else, sleep with someone else. His name was Naraku, he waited for her. They both knew they could, but she didn't. She couldn't use sex to dull the pain, she didn't want to.
She wanted to be held, to be cared for, like Inuyasha did the first time.
'Once and never again.' She takes another.
Her sister told her not to marry him. Her sister was ten years younger then her, and she knew. She knew she was making a mistake, but Kikyo didn't listen, she was blind. She wanted to run away with Inuyasha, leave life's worries behind.
Instead she found more. She takes another.
She hadn't wanted to become the stereotypical housewife, waiting for her husband to come home. She knew what would happen in that sort of relationship, and it did. But even then, it was so fast. It surprised her he'd managed to run off so quickly, find someone to replace her.
She laughed and took two more.
She was nothing to him, a first time, a failed experiment. He'd be happier without her, he could marry that whore Kagome now.
There was metallic bile at the back of her throat, she told herself it was the pills.
She swallowed the last two and fell back on the bed, smiling. Her stomach felt horrible, the taste of bile was stronger. She didn't care, for the first time in years she felt happy.
Closing her eyes, she wondered what it would be like to be loved.
A/N: Quite possibly the weirdest thing I have ever written… sorry for freaking you out. I'm an Inu/Kag fan, but I've always loved Kikyo's character – she's a person who just fell in love with the wrong man at the wrong time. This story came to me, and I had to write it… R&R please.