Dumbledore stepped out of the fireplace and looked around at his cluttered office. Today's Wizengamot meeting had ended in disaster with the Minister refusing to acknowledge even the possibility that Voldemort was back and with himself removed as Chief Mugwump. If Fudge had his way Dumbledore would soon be exiled from Hogwarts which meant he had to plan for the emergency evacuation of his personal effects. The books could be moved to a safe house immediately and replaced with illusions to avoid suspicion. He glanced at the instruments on his desk. Most were tied into the Hogwarts wards and were useful in the operation of the school. They would be necessary in the coming year and could not be moved but he cast a quick curse over his desk to hinder his would-be successor. He raised his wand again to begin packing papers, particularly those from the last war when he saw the japanned cabinet that had been a gift from a Russian cursebreaker acquaintance during the Grindelwald war. The black and gold doors were firmly sealed against intrusion and held several items he did not wish to destroy but whose danger was too great to circulate freely. A tap of his wand and a whispered word opened the door and Dumbledore let his gaze rest on a golden drinking bowl.
Though the base of the bowl lay firmly on the shelf of the unmoving cabinet, the red and blue and black liquid within swirled and frothed reaching again and again for the edge but always thrown back. Years ago Voldemort had cursed the dark arts position when he had been denied the right to teach. Three teachers had died in the first year before Dumbledore had managed to partially contain the curse. 20 years of research, experimentation, and incremental improvments had further solidified his hold on the dark magic that infested his school and inside this enchanted, goblin-cast bowl the greater part of the curse bubbled and gurgled. This decade had seen his teachers lasting the entire year and often living afterwards.
Under-secretary Umbridge was coming to Hogwarts to spy on himself and young Harry. If she had her way she would send them both to Azkaban where they could do nothing but await the arrival of a triumphant Dark Lord. Instinctively he gripped the Elder Wand and he knew he could keep himself and Harry out of prison. To keep himself in office required skill of a different sort. Political skullduggery and backroom deals for which neither he nor the country had time if Voldemort was to be resisted.
Dumbledore gathered the bowl and left his office. The dark halls echoes his footsteps back to him. Inside the defense classroom he stood behind the teachers desk and slowly emptied the bowl onto the floor careful to avoid its contents. Spitting and hissing the magic hit the ground but did not splatter. He watched as it gathered itself and stretched out tentacles grasping, searching for something. A moment passed and it slowed then seeped into the stones. In the first war Dumbledore had made hard choices but this did not compare. He hummed on his way back to the office.
The students stood outside Hagrid's hut watching him wrangle the blast ended skrewt. "They're friendly if'n you handle 'em right. Just don't stand in front because of the claws and don't stand behind because they'll blast yeh." He paused. "Best not to stand to the side either. They'll kick if they've a mind to. Come on Harry. You can be the first to feed them." Hagrid held out a bucket of raw meat.
"Um . . ."
"Hem hem." Harry glanced over his shoulder at the approaching Inquisitor then headed for the skrewt. He held the bucket in one hand and flung sticky bits of meat towards the clawed beasts with the other. They scuttled back and forth fighting each other for the flesh. Behind him he heard Umbridge's condescending voice talking to Hagrid. The screwts had quickly figured out that he held the meat so he threw it as far away as he could trying to keep them at a distance. One particular throw landed close to the forest and a flash of silver arrested his attention.
At the edge of the forest watching the students intently stood a unicorn. The unicorn walked slowly out of the forest and circled away from the skrewts to approach the students. Harry left the pen and went back to Hagrid to warn him but Hagrid saw the majestic animal first.
"Hey now. What're you doing out here boy? You don't come out to visit often. Not ever really." Hagrid kept his voice low and calm. Harry was impressed at how the large man came across as gentle and nonthreatening. Hagrid reached into his pocket and held out some treats. I occurred to Harry that he had no idea what unicorns ate but apparently Hagrid did. The silver haired creature stepped forward and its lips flickered over Hagrid's palm as Harry to rejoined the class.
"Back! Out of the way! You're not trained for creatures like these. Unicorns are protected by the ministry." Umbridge shoved herself between Hagrid and the unicorn whereupon the creature skittered back several steps. It whinnied its annoyance at the fat woman.
"I've been protecting unicorns for years. Not that they need much protection. They're smarter than some people I could name" growled Hagrid.
"It doesn't matter what you think you've been doing you fool. These are ministry creatures and not fit for children or anyone who hasn't been properly trained. I have read the appropriate manuals whereas you have not. I'll make sure this gets in my report."
Hagrid scowled at her but remained mute as she faced the unicorn. "Here girl. That's a good girl. Come here pretty girl." She cooed in a sickeningly sweet voice. The unicorn did not find this appealing and backed away.
Harry tapped his throat to start the voice altering charm Sirius had taught him and shouted "Judging by the size his dick I'd say it's not a girl."
Umbridge spun to face the group. "Who said that?" Silence. "Which one of you said that? You insolent children. I'll punish you all. I'll have Filch tie you up and whip you till you scream. I WILL know who is disrespecting me. Who said that?" Harry looked at her in shock. Teachers, sane teachers, didn't act like this. "Who Said That?""WHO SAID . . . GAHRG!". Her last word was replaced by a gurgle as a bloody horn burst out of her chest. The unicorn lifted her off her feet, shook her till she flapped like a rag doll, then tossed her to the grass. The class watched in silence as the undeniably male unicorn stood over the inquisitor's body and let loose a stream of horse piss. A long minute later the unicorn finished and trotted off into the forest.
Everyone looked at each other unsure of what to do. After a long minute Harry stepped forward. "Hagrid, should we go back to castle? Call it a day?"
"Huh? Oh err . . . yes." He clapped his hands. "Class is finished everybody. A 6 inch essay on unicorns is due Wednesday." The class hurried back to the castle buzzing with excitement. Even the Slytherins couldn't find it in themselves to be sad.
"Has a unicorn ever killed someone before Hermione?" Ron asked.
She stopped walked and stared off into space thinking. "Well the dark wizard Gargomel was killed by one in 1400s but I can't think of another example. Unicorns are creatures of light magic are rarely violent. I'll go to the library and do some research. That would be a good topic for my essay."
Umbridge would go down in the history books for certain.
The great hall was silent as Dumbledore introduced their new DADA professor and Head Inquisitor Margaret Edgecomb. She gave a small wave to the students but when she showed no sign of inflicting the students with a speech conversation quickly resumed.
"Edgecomb. That name's familiar" said Ron in between bites.
"There's an Edgecomb in Ravenclaw a year ahead of us. I wonder if she's related." Hermione replied.
Harry scanned the Ravenclaw table until he found Cho's mousy friend. Several students were clustered around her talking animatedly so a relationship seemed likely. "Why do you think Fudge chose her? She doesn't act like Umbridge."
"Not yet" grumbled Ron darkly.
"We'll see how class goes" compromised Hermione. "I'm not glad Umbridge died but I am glad she's not here anymore. That woman was. . ." Hermione snapped her mouth shut determined not to speak ill of a teacher. Harry, personally, wouldn't describe Umbridge as a teacher because she didn't teach. Evil babysitter was a better term.
As a teacher Edgecomb was an improvement over Umbridge but not by much. Every class she would tell them to read the book and at the end each student had to demonstrate the spell. Demonstrate was a strong word. The barest sparks from Neville brought same lackluster 'good' as Harry's perfectly cast Protego. Her flustered reaction to any question confirmed for Harry that she hadn't an inkling of real DADA knowledge herself. Non-evil babysitter was an apt description.
One dreary November day the lesson was interrupted by a voice . "Mrs. Edgecombe? Mrs. Edgecomb?" Harry looked around but none of the students had their hand up. The teacher stood and said "I wonder who could be calling me at this hour?" And headed into her office. Low voices could be heard from the floo in the office but were quickly drowned by the students talking amongst themselves. Harry turned to Ron. "What plays should we run against Slytherin?" Hermione rolled her eyes and turned back to her Arithmancy homework as they scribbled x's and o's on a sheet of parchment planning to crush Slytherin in their next game.
Their plans were cut short by a piercing shriek. Harry turned to look at the open door of the office in time to see Edgecomb run out of the office with her head on fire. Harry leapt to his feet and cast aquemanti. A stream of water burst from his wand but Edgecomb swerved at the last minute and the water hit Draco Malfoy in the face. Several other students cast the same charm at the flaming professor but all missed until Nott cast Petrificus Totalis.
Edgecombs limbs snapped together and she tipped over smashing her head into a desk and lay still on the floor. Aquementi cried 20 students and the professor was deluged in water. Harry walked over, undid the petrification, and checked her wrist for a pulse. "Hermione go get Mcgonagal. We're going to need a new teacher."
Please observe a moment of silence for the late Professor Edgecomb. Her experimentation with floo charms led to her unfortunate demise according to the aurors who investigated. I'd also like to thank the aurors for providing our newest dada teacher. Please welcome Professor Dawlish. The students in the great hall clapped politely and Harry wondered if Dawlish knew everyone was speculating on his demise. A few seats away the twins were already taking bets.
Dawlish, while not a good teacher, at least new the material thoroughly. The first day of class he told them all he hated grading papers so he wouldn't assign homework. Instead every class started with Dawlish demonstrating a spell then they cast it at a dummy until their arms ached. Failure to cast it correctly would lead to Dawlish to scream at them until they achieved something remotely like a spell or Dawlish grew bored. Neville dreaded the class until Dawlish gave up on him and ignored him. Dawlish never ignored Harry, however, yelled at him regardless of what he did. Harry always left class in a bad mood.
Christmas passed and Harry spent a quiet holidays at Grimmauld Place. He told Tonks all about his teachers and Sirius brought out a pensieve so they could all enjoy Umbridge's death together. Mrs. Weasley was appalled but everyone else cheered the unicorn on.
Dawlish started the new year by casting curses for them to shield. Failure to shield resulted in being cursed and as always Harry was his favorite target. Such a favorite that Dawlish stalked him around the castle in hopes of catching him off guard. After he'd been cursed, abandoned in a stairwell for half an hour, and found himself late for potions Harry started using the marauder's map and invisibility cloak to avoid his sadistic professor. When Dawlish started stalking his group of friends he told Hermione to go on without him while he took a circuitous, less traveled route.
One day he took the long way through the dungeons on his way to charms. He had made his way back to the second floor when he caught sight of Ron, Hermione, and Neville ahead of him. He was about to call out and join them when Dawlish stepped out from under an invisibility cloak. The auror snapped his wand out at Neville and cried Tarentalaga. Neville pulled his wand just in time to cast a shield and sent the spell careening back back down the hall. The curse missed Dawlish but hit a suit of armor behind him. The armor rattled, leaned, and slowly collapsed. The axe in the armor's hand gained speed as it fell and landed edge first on Dawlish's head.
Harry rushed to the auror's side put his fingers on the teacher's neck avoiding the pooling blood. A moment he sat back and looked at the shaking Hermione. "You'd better go get Mcgonnagal again."
Neville shook his head. "It was an accident but I don't think anyone will even ask."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were standing in the entrance hall talking before supper when Mcgonagal stormed in from a side hallway and said "Why are you loitering here blocking the hallway? 10 points from Gryffindor." She stormed away and as she walked off Ron turned to his friends. "I wonder what's gotten her panties in a twist." Harry barely had time to cringe at the mental image when the professor turned on them. "20 points from Gryffindor Mr. Weasley and I'll tell you why I'm upset. We have lost another defense professor before he could even get into the castle."
"How could someone manage to die that quickly?" Hermione asked. Harry was more curious who was stupid enough to take the job but wisely kept this thought to himself.
"Mr. Yaxley (I doubt you know him) accepted the job at the minister's urging and sought to trick the curse into missing him by entering the castle like a first year. While doing so he has managed to drown in the lake."
Hermione gasped "But even the first years never drown."
"Yeah, Collin managed to fall out but the squid actually put him back in the boat. How did Mr. Yak do it?" Ron asked.
"His name is . . . was . . . Mr. Yaxley and the squid destroyed his boat for some unknown reason. He was paranoid about the curse so he brought all his food and water with him to prevent poisoning. He was unable to swim with the weight so he discarded it. He was paranoid about being hexed so he wore graphorn hide armor which he also managed to discard. He might have been able to swim to shore if he hadn't worn silver chain mail.
"Why chain mail? And why silver?"
"Werewolves. And now I must go tell the headmaster."
When she was out of sight Harry turned to his friends. "Lets see if Neville has any gillyweed left. I want that graphorn armor."
"Dumbledore you have failed as a headmaster."
"I don't see how I have failed Minister Fudge." Dumbledore smiled pleasently content to let the man rave in public. Only good things could come from him being this upset.
"Don't talk back to me!" Minister Fudge had interrupted their supper to berate the headmaster so all the students were able to watch the Minister of Magic stomp his foot like a three year old. The petulant man continued his tirade. "You're Dumbledore. You're supposed to protect your teachers."
"I cannot protect them from using experimental floo charms or from venturing onto a boat designed for children with what can only be called called an excessive quantity of luggage and armor."
"And that's another thing. When the auror's recovered the body his armor was no where nearby. Who stole the armor?" Harry kept a straight face and didn't look at his friends.
"Mr. Yaxley discarded his armor in an effort to stay afloat. The giant squid has been known to collect treasure so I can only surmise that the squid added it to his collection."
Fudge fumed and started to rant again but Dumbledore interrupted him. "Cornelius our most pressing need is for a new teacher. My students have been without for a month now and many have tests soon. We cannot penalize them for their teacher's failings."
"You want another teacher? I'll teach that class and heaven help you if I so much as stub my toe."
"Are you sure Cornelius? I was thinking you could appoint an outsider. Mr. Malfoy perhaps. I believe he would contribute greatly to our students knowledge of the material." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. Harry had never thought of the headmaster as malicious before now.
"No, this has gone on long enough. I'll see that this is done right and I'll have my eye on you. I'll return in the morning with my things." Harry wondered how the man was going to run the country and a classroom at the same time but he didn't worry long. Minister Fudge turned and swirled his cape to exit with a flourish but the cape tangled around his legs. He tripped and swung his arms to catch himself. His two auror body guards reached for their wands but weren't fast enough to stop him falling down the stairs. He bounced, tumbled, and landed with a sharp crack on his head. One of the aurors flicked his wand of the dead body but nothing happened. When he shook his head sadly at Dumbledore students crowded around the Weasley twins to settle bets and conversation resumed in the great hall.