I decided to publish some stories I read and liked. They can't be find online anymore (I think). I had them on my computer and I thought it would be nice to put them online ! I do not own these stories, this one was written by Jude. If you are the author of this story and you're not okay about this, you can contact me and I'll delete it immediately ! I hope these great stories will make some people happy !
Everything
Author:
Jude
Rating:
PG-13
Summary:
Sydney reflects on the journey that brought Vaughn back to her.
Spoilers:
Season 3
Disclaimer:
ABC, Touchstone, Bad Robot, and the fabulous JJ Abrams own 'em
Author's Note:
I wrote this to remind everyone that even though Sydney and Vaughn weren't together during Season 3, the connection they shared was impossible to ignore. They are truly everything to each other.
Inspired by the song 'Everything' by Alanis Morissette, and dedicated to all my friends who see my 'everything' and still love me anyway.
Thanks to Jen for staying up to beta so I could post tonight. :hug:
Written:
24 May 2004
Everything
You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light, and you love my dark.
You dig everything, of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything to which you can't relate,
And you're still here
A year ago, I thought I'd lost everything. There were no words to describe the feeling of having your life pulled out from underneath you. Desolate, abandoned, alone, heartbroken and grief-stricken were as close as I could get to what I felt. I not only lost two years of my life, but I'd lost the people in my life that meant the most to me. My father was in jail, Francie was dead, Will was in witness protection, and Vaughn… I lost everything.
I will never forget the feeling of utter despair I felt in the safe house in Hong Kong. He was no longer mine. He'd married someone else. He moved on. The elation I felt the moment he walked in the door was replaced by an emptiness that was so vast, it nearly engulfed me. I wanted to run and never look back. I wasn't ready to face life without him.
It didn't take long for me to become angry. I tried to blame him for everything. I told him off, and at the time it made me feel better. Of course, it didn't last long. The more I learned about what happened to Vaughn when I died, the more the words I'd spewed at him in that hallway ate away at me. I'd lashed out without knowing all the facts, and I felt awful once I did. I of all people knew what he went through, and I never even gave him a chance. After talking to Weiss and my father, I knew I had to apologise no matter how terrified I was of seeing him.
Part of me was relieved he no longer worked at the CIA. I wasn't sure if I could face him everyday. I quickly recognized how selfish that was; especially after Weiss told me he was considering coming back. I soon realised he wouldn't come back because of me, and I didn't want it to be that way. To know that he would consider not coming back to the CIA to make things easier for me reminded me of one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. He always put my needs in front of his. For once, it was time for me to put his in front of mine.
Hearing what he had to say to me in his classroom nearly killed me. To see the pain in his eyes and hear the emotion in his voice as he explained how he used to talk to me cut me to the bone. It had been so much easier telling myself that our relationship wasn't what I'd thought it had been. It was easier to tell myself that I hadn't meant that much to him when we were together. After all, we'd never declared our feelings for each other.
Of course that all came crashing down when he admitted he was so in love with me that it nearly killed him. It made me want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Emotionally I did crawl into a hole; I was just good at hiding it. Professionally, I was the same Sydney Bristow that everyone expected. Inside I was dying, but no one was the wiser. I spent my nights at home crying for everything I had lost. I was angry, but had nowhere to truly direct it. In my mind I was sure it was Sloane who was responsible for my disappearance. So I once again focused my anger on the man that had taken so much from me. That anger became my fuel that got me through each day.
It wasn't easy. Even though I had convinced myself that I could work with Vaughn, the moment I saw him back in the ops center, my heart turned inside out. I knew I hurt him with my indifference to him being there, but it had to be that way. I didn't know how to act around him anymore, and I could tell he felt the same way. He was going to let me call the shots, and I knew that he could see how much I was struggling with this. I was determined to make it work though. In a sick way, I'd rather have him in my life, than not at all. I excelled at self-torture.
The first time I heard his voice in my ear during an op, I felt transported back to before everything fell apart. This was where we were in our element. Together as a team there was no stopping us. It comforted me in a way that it was still like that. At least it was something I could rely on in my upside down world. We might be uncomfortable and awkward around each other at other times, but in the field, it was like nothing had ever changed. I took immense comfort in that.
I felt great after that op. I had high hopes that Vaughn and I could re-forge a relationship of some sort. I knew it would never be the same, but I was determined to try. Of course that was derailed the moment I met Lauren. Working with Vaughn was something I eventually could handle. Lauren was another story. I knew I wouldn't ever be friends with whomever Vaughn had married, but I didn't expect to have to work with her day in and day out. I honestly didn't even want to ever meet her. It nearly pushed me over the edge.
Seeing them together, you might as well have stuck a dagger and left it permanently in my heart. It twisted every time I had to look at them together. I lied to her on the plane when I said I didn't hate her. She never had a chance with me. I didn't care how wonderful she was. She was married to the man I loved. The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She could have been Mother Theresa and I would have hated her. Luckily, she quickly became easy to despise.
It didn't take me long to see that Vaughn was struggling with his feelings for me, but even that was a double edged sword. On one hand, it made me feel good to see how much he still cared for me, but on the other it was torture. To be so close to him knowing we could do nothing about it was so unfair. I'll admit I had fun with it at times. The look on his face when I was wearing the red dress at the Science Ministry nearly melted me. I knew I still had power over him. A lesser person would have used that to his advantage. I couldn't though for one simple reason: I still loved him and you don't use people you love like that.
I was surprised at how easily we slipped back into a semblance of a relationship. Yes, there was still some awkwardness, but we could talk to each other and any anger I felt toward him had dissipated. Our friendly banter on the way to Sevilla and seeing the smile on his face brought me some much needed inner peace. It wasn't much, but it was a start. I had hope.
Of course the moment Simon Walker came into the picture my life became a nightmare again. Any healing that was taking place with Vaughn and I was derailed. I don't know why I acted the way I did. Maybe I was punishing him. The reality was I was punishing myself by pushing him away. Only this time he wouldn't push back as hard. There were boundaries in place he wouldn't cross.
One thing I soon learned was that he would never betray me. I was so angry at my father for pulling Vaughn into the Julia Thorne/Lazarey debacle. I was scared too. If it came down to it, would he choose his wife over protecting me? In my heart, I wanted to believe he wouldn't, but my mind had a field day trying to convince me otherwise. He had no responsibility to me anymore.
When I stabbed him to save his life, it was the worst night of my life. Losing Danny, losing two years, and finding out he was married paled in comparison. I knew if he died my life was over. There would be no way I could live with the guilt of killing him. I didn't sleep at all for the few hours left of that night. Simon was busy celebrating with his friends and didn't notice my obvious distress. We came back to our room, and luckily he was too drunk to do anything but kiss me sloppily and pass out half on top of me.
The first chance I had, I slipped out and ran to the nearest pay phone, my heart pounding, my stomach twisting as I prayed I wasn't too late. How could I have done that to him? Would it have been better to just let Simon put a bullet through his head? It would have been quick and painless instead of the pain and suffering I knew he would probably experience, the life slowly ebbing out of him as he bled to death in the ravine. I wanted to cut myself and let my life slip away too.
Seeing him in the hospital bed and the confrontation with Lauren was nearly my undoing. I wanted to throw myself at his feet and beg his forgiveness. I was convinced he would never forgive me. How could he? In trying to save him, I came within a breath of killing him. When Lauren mentioned possible brain damage I wanted to climb the stairs to the roof of the hospital and jump.
That he not only forgave me but encouraged me to keep visiting him at the hospital nearly made me break down in his room. I think he realised how hard this had been on me. We didn't need words to express what we both knew and felt. I'd spend thirty minutes after work with him or at lunch just talking about anything but the past and Lauren. He caught me up on the Kings' dismal seasons and we joked about all the movies I needed to catch up on.
I was so sure stabbing him would drive a wedge between us. I was worried that it would widen the chasm that already existed between us, but instead it narrowed it. He became more intuitive, more protective, and if not for the gold band on his finger, I could sometimes imagine that nothing had changed. I knew it was foolish to think like that, and at times it was dangerous. When he put the necklace on my neck in the back of the van and his fingers brushed across my shoulder, my legs practically fell out from under me. It would have been so easy to turn around and crash my lips onto his. I knew he wouldn't resist by the way his breath hitched as his fingers touched me. We could have jump started a vehicle with the electricity and energy that jolted through us. It would have been so easy, and that's exactly why I slipped the coat back on and got my mind back in the game.
He kept my mind off Allison by joking with me in the club. He always knew exactly what I needed. The moment I felt the butt of the gun make contact with my head, I wasn't afraid as the darkness enveloped me. I knew he'd be there to save me. I had no doubt. And sure enough when I woke up, my head was on a pillow, and an ice pack lay atop the goose egg size bump. I was lying on a couch on the plane, the pillow on his lap. I smiled gratefully at him and he brushed several strands of wayward hair away from my face. He gave me four ibuprofen and water, and then I curled back up on his lap. I asked him how I'd gotten there, and he simply replied, "I carried you." I felt safe and fell back asleep.
In our subsequent encounter with Allison, it became more apparent of his protectiveness. I could hear it in his voice on the comms; I could see it when he silently asked with his eyes if I was okay. A simple touch on the arm said more than words ever could. He cared. He still cared about me, and that became my anchor that sometimes saved me and sometimes plummeted me to the depths of despair. It was hard having everything you wanted right in front of you and not being able to have it.
At night when the nightmares plagued me, I desperately wanted to call him, just to hear his voice. I had never felt more alone in my life. I knew there was no way I could continue to bear the burden of these dreams alone. So I decided to do something about it. I figured if I could get my memories back, they would go away. Then I could make peace with my past and move forward. It seemed logical at the time, and I became fixated on finding a way.
Of course my plans quickly unraveled when Vaughn called me upon arriving back from the joke of an operation with Sloane. Not only did I have to dance with him, Sloane was playing me, I just knew it. When he handed me that envelope in the back of the limo, I wanted nothing more than to wrap my hands around his neck and choke the life out of him. I didn't do it, but not because I thought it was wrong. I didn't because I knew that I needed him to unravel my missing two years. If I could use him somehow, I had no qualms in doing it.
Standing at the airfield with Vaughn, I realised he more than cared for me. He still loved me. Some things don't. Those words echoed in my mind as the tears ran down my face and he held me in his arms. It felt so right to be in them. I never wanted to leave them. When I pulled away and our eyes met, the love in his eyes washed over me, nearly choking me. We were so close, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. When he started to lean forward I was frozen for a moment, but then I came to my senses and swallowed pulling back. I knew it was the right thing to do, but the pain I saw flash through his eyes made me want to rewind back fifteen seconds and let nature take its course. Walking away from him felt like I was walking away from everything I had left.
The torture I went through when I was caught was the worst I'd ever endured. There were many times I prayed it would just kill me. That my heart couldn't take the electric charges anymore and it would just cease beating. It somehow knew though. Vaughn was out there, and he would save me. My guardian angel would find me, somehow my heart knew. So it kept beating and during the pain I heard his voice whisper words of comfort.
I nearly gave up when I was lying on the table, the metal plate holding my head. I was tired and exhausted, the torture and lack of sleep taking its toll. My thoughts were of him and only him. I wished I'd kissed him and told him how much I loved him. Those thoughts became my escape, and as the mask came over my mouth, I realised this was it. Never again would I see his green eyes or the wrinkles on his forehead. I concentrated on picturing him in my mind as the fumes of the sedative slowly took over; he would be my last conscious thought.
I should have never doubted him as moments before I felt myself losing my grip on consciousness I heard the door blast open. Suddenly I felt his hands on my wrist, and even though I couldn't see his face, I knew. He was here. Once again he'd saved me. Even in my half drugged and exhausted state, my heart knew and it energized me enough that we were able to make our escape.
The next twenty-four hours were unbelievable. I nearly died, I kissed Vaughn, and the memories I'd recovered only confused me more. Through it all though, Vaughn was never far away from me. I could always feel his eyes on me, and the fear in his eyes was evident. The dream of us in the ambulance was surreal. I wanted so much for it to be true even though I knew it wasn't, especially when Sloane appeared at the end.
When Lauren was suffocating me in the dream and I flat lined, I was convinced I was back in another dream. Waking up and seeing Vaughn in a chair near my bedside and the look of relief on his face that I was okay was heaven. A heaven I wasn't going to let pass me by again. I kissed him and suddenly all was well in the world. He hesitated at first, but soon relaxed into it as his hand touched my shoulder. All too soon he pulled back, the conflicted feelings evident on his face. When my father walked in and I realised it wasn't a dream, I wanted to slide under the covers and pull them over my head.
He wouldn't let me regress though. Once again, he selflessly pulled me out, helping me up and wrapping me in a blanket. I was shaky and dizzy and he gently helped me out to the main room, bringing me a cup of hot tea. The concern on his face was palpable as I detailed what I'd remembered from my dream states. It was easy to see he didn't want me to go under again and he even gave me a reassuring smile as I looked at him before succumbing to the drugs once again.
Of course after I became unstable again, there was no getting in his way. I felt his hand gripping mine as I came out of it, my heart pounding from the shot of adrenaline. The complete panic in his eyes and the words that he wasn't going to let me flat line again drifted through the chaos of my mind and everything going on around me. His hands were all over me, removing wires, helping me down, and I don't think they left me until I was seated on the plane, a mug of coffee in my hands.
The look on his face when we split up and I went off to see Will was one of relief and of trepidation. I didn't understand it at the time, but after what happened in the safehouse in Warsaw, I wondered if he knew it would inevitably happen. There are times I still can't believe I slept with Will. I can tell myself I was drunk, lost and feeling alone in the world. I'd rationalized it in my mind only to have it come back and haunt me knowing it should never have happened. I needed it at the time, and I selfishly took it. Granted, Will was a willing participant. I'd known how he felt about me for a long time, but in some ways knowing that made me feel worse about it.
When I got back, I felt different. I'm not sure why. Maybe seeing Will brought me a little closure. To know that he was okay, happy and that he still cared meant the world to me. Vaughn acted strange when I returned and I had no idea why. He avoided me and brushed me off. I convinced myself he knew that I'd slept with Will, and it made me both satisfied and angry at the same time. It was an ego boost to know that it made him jealous, but at the same time he had no right to act like that. He had a wife after all, why should I be expected to remain celibate?
I never got a chance to reflect on it much because before I knew it, my life was slammed into by Hurricane Kendall. I listened in horror as Kendall detailed everything he knew. Hearing about my funeral and the fact that I had watched it nearly made me throw up. And it only got worse from there. Any remaining animosity I might have harbored toward Vaughn for moving on was erased when Kendall told me I'd seen him and I'd made the decision to stay away. I'd done this. In some way I had chosen this, and when I watched the disc and saw 'Julia' appear, I gasped in horror realising that Dr. Brazzel had been correct. I had chosen to have my memories erased.
The ramifications were overwhelming. I was sobbing when I looked down at the scar on my abdomen as he explained how I got it and the potential of what my eggs could be used for. The pain I felt, knowing what was stolen from me, nearly ripped me apart. My mind automatically still went to Vaughn; the only man I had ever truly wanted to have children with. I couldn't help but wonder if that had been taken from me too. I knew it was foolish to think like that, he was married, after all - but I couldn't help it.
It was so hard to face everyone when I went back to the Joint Task Force facility. Most everyone had been briefed, and I could barely make eye contact with him. How much detail had been in the report Kendall had sent? Would he ever forgive me? I couldn't tell when Kendall was briefing us what he was thinking. For the first time I couldn't read him, and that scared me. I could feel his eyes on me, but the one time I made eye contact with him, he looked away. I'm convinced I saw a look of pity in his eyes and I didn't want or need his pity. I wanted his love, and I was convinced with the recent disclosures, I had lost it.
He didn't even talk to me after we left for the op to recover my ova. He sat as far away as he could get from me, and I wanted to curl up and cry. I'm so glad Dixon was there with me. I'm not sure I would have made it through that mission without him. I was thrown at first when he admitted he'd known the entire four months I'd been back that I'd been alive. We'd both come full circle. When he nodded at me and I destroyed the fertilization lab, I knew everything with Dixon and I was healed.
Vaughn was another story. Things fell apart disastrously, and I didn't understand why. I was so sure that everything was okay between us, but something changed when I came back from Poland. He stopped talking to me and completely avoided me. When we fought on the plane, I couldn't believe it was happening. I didn't understand why he was acting this way. I just wanted the Vaughn back that I was accustomed to. When I realised it wasn't going to happen, I made an ultimatum. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't work with him like this.
Of course, once again fate intervened. As the plane lurched forward, we had to put everything between us aside to try to stay alive. I thought for sure we were going to die, but I took comfort in the fact that I'd be with him. I didn't want to die though. I wanted another chance with him. I kept looking at him as he valiantly tried to control the plane. When he'd done all he could and we were close to crashing, he'd leaned over and pulled me down, his body protecting me as the plane jolted and slammed into the ground. The sound of tearing metal echoed as we fell to the floor of the cockpit, his body sheltering me from most of the debris.
I was heartened to see the concern in his eyes once we realised the plane had stopped. The brief look we shared told me he still cared. We could smell the plane burning, and the smoke was getting thick. Coughing, we made it out and Vaughn disappeared looking for weapons while I tried to use the sat phone to contact the CIA. Neither of us were successful. We escaped into the woods after Vaughn blew the plane up. I bandaged his wound and we seemed to declare a necessary peace.
I'm not sure why I confessed to him I slept with Will. His reaction was surprising. I'd thought all this time that he'd known, but it was obvious he didn't. I'll admit I got a little satisfaction at his reaction and obvious jealously. I even lied and told him I was moving on. I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't believe me, but he nodded all the same.
As usual, nothing ever went easily for us, and we ended up in custody. I thought for sure they were going to beat us to death. One more blow to my head and I know I would have lost consciousness, but they stopped and I was left barely able to move, not knowing if he was okay. I'd called out to him, and he'd responded. We both moved towards each other, beaten and bleeding, but he pulled me into his arms and I took momentary comfort in them before I passed out.
What happened next still seems dreamlike. His confession and our kiss was overwhelming and incredible. I'd stopped him from saying anything, but I knew. I knew what he meant, and he knew I felt the same way. I took comfort knowing that if we were going to die at least we'd made our peace with each other. Standing against that wall looking at the firing squad, knowing we were moments from death, didn't scare me. I was with Vaughn. We'd die together, just as it should be. I'd never been so sure about anything in my life. He loved me and I loved him, and nothing could ever keep us apart, even death. I closed my eyes ready to face the quick succession of bullets that would end our life.
When we didn't die, things unraveled again. I don't know what I expected to happen when we went home. We'd both slept the plane ride back to Los Angeles, but when he ran back into Lauren's arms, my heart fell. It became uncomfortable again, so much that I went to see Dr. Barnett. It felt good to talk about things, but it didn't solve anything. How could it? Sure we loved each other, but he was married, and I knew that Vaughn wasn't the type to just walk away from his marriage. We didn't know how to act around each other again, and it didn't seem like it was going to be as easily fixed this time. I knew I couldn't work with him. I needed a little time to pass, but making the decision to go to Dixon and ask for Weiss to replace Vaughn as my partner was one of the hardest things I'd ever done.
I knew I would be working with him again and I was only delaying the inevitable. I just needed a breather, and the op with Weiss gave me that. Soon after we were on a plane to Chamonix. We talked a little on the plane and I was greatly relieved. He told me he understood why I asked for Weiss on the last op. I confessed that there were times that I wished we could just go back, but I made sure he knew I wouldn't be the other woman. It wasn't much, but it was a start. The mission was not without bumps, but as usual we worked together flawlessly and obtained our objective.
Things returned to being somewhat normal, or as normal as they could be for spies. I was excited that Carrie and Marshall became parents, but Lauren's threats to stay away from Vaughn angered me more than I expected. The first opportunity I had, I made sure I let her know I didn't appreciate her accusations and that any trouble she and Vaughn were having was her problem, not mine. After I realised she forgot the anniversary of his father's death, I wanted to smack her. He seemed so lost, and it made me feel good that it meant a lot to him that I remembered.
But nothing can ever remain simple with us. In Spain we got into trouble again, and it didn't look good. Somehow we made it, but not before I watched him take several bullets to the chest and I thanked God for the invention of Kevlar. When Sark captured me I thought for sure it was over. If you love her, you will put the gun down now. I told Vaughn not to, to no avail. I knew he'd put it down because I would have done the same thing. In the end it all worked out, but once again he went back to Lauren, and I went to dinner with my father.
Things were different though when we came back. It wasn't a bad thing, but I didn't know what to think about it. I was just relieved that we seemed to be back on track. We smiled at each other again, making working together a breeze. It was second nature to us. We could say with a few words what took most people many. It was one of the reasons we worked so well together; we could read each other and tell by the tone of our voices what was really going on. Telling him about the bomb on the plane, I'd tried to hide my panic, but he knew. I know he did.
There wasn't time to discuss it. Every moment was crucial. I would have done anything to save Vaughn. Anything. Talking to Ryan, I said a lot more than I should have. Saying how I felt about Vaughn out loud felt good. It felt right. I thought it would help, but instead it became Vaughn's death sentence. He was going to die and it was going to be entirely my fault.
He didn't die thank God, despite how much I botched things. I have my father to thank for that, but it wasn't enough. After spending hours debriefing I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I had to get out of there before I lost it in front of everyone. I was grateful I had at least made it to my car before I couldn't hold it in any longer. The tears fell and the sobs erupted from my throat. I leaned against my car and let it out until I heard a car coming. Trying to compose myself, I wiped the tears away and turned. When I saw Vaughn walking toward me, he was all that mattered to me and I could see he felt the same way.
Once again I was in his arms, and all was well in the world. We were both exactly where we wanted to be. He hadn't needed to come back to the ops center. He had been cleared to go home and report in the next day. He told me he'd gone there because he wanted to see me. He needed to see me and somehow knew I needed him just as much.
Nothing in our world stays right for long though. Dixon's children were kidnapped, and once again, Vaughn volunteered to help even though it could end his career or cause problems in his marriage. He has the greatest heart. It's one of many things I'd always loved about him. I felt good being able to help Dixon considering all he'd done for me. Bringing his kids home safely was one of the most rewarding missions I'd ever been part of.
When Vaughn and I went to Mexico, something was different with him. When we met with Kishell, I could feel his eyes on me more than usual. I knew something was bothering him. I tried to ask him about it on the way back, but he quickly changed the subject. He even offered to meet with Sloane so I wouldn't have to see him. I knew I couldn't force him to talk to me, so I just pushed it aside.
The mission to Russia was messy, but once again we met our objective, returning with the crystal. Absolutely nothing prepared me for the five words that Vaughn uttered to me on the cargo plane on the way back. Lauren and I are separating.. I wanted to spring from my seat and scream like a twelve year old schoolgirl, but I knew how hard this must be on him. It must have been really bad with Lauren for Vaughn to take that kind of step. Before I had a chance to say much more, Weiss came back and it was business as usual. My mind couldn't help but think of the possibilities, and it scared the hell out of me. I was afraid to hope, but it was all I could think about.
I didn't have too much time to dwell on it. We were soon off to Japan to retrieve the keys thanks to Sloane actually being helpful for once. When Vaughn offered to destroy them in the cave to keep me safe, I wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him. He was always thinking of me, but before I had a chance to do anything, we were ambushed by Bomani. Even with out DPVs sabotaged, Vaughn figured a way to escape. It seemed like we floated in the water forever before we get picked up. Vaughn held me in his arms, and I was cold, but content.
When he asked me out for coffee on the ride back, my heart soared. I began to hope, but I was still scared. I almost couldn't believe it. Was this really happening? Did I really have chance with him again? Obviously the answer was no. After hearing of Senator Reed's suicide, he walked right back into her arms. I was crushed. I couldn't blame him, but it hurt more than I expected it to. Vaughn wouldn't walk away from anyone in that situation, especially his wife. It didn't make it any easier though. Vaughn went home with Lauren, and I went home alone. A phone call confirmed there would be no coffee date, and I cried myself to sleep on the couch. My hopes were trampled.
I was surprised when my father knocked on my door at seven the next morning. He came bearing bagels and orange juice and shared his suspicions about Lauren with me. Thinking about it almost made me unable to eat and I wasn't sure what to think. I will say it made it easier to see her with Vaughn in the Rotunda. Maybe Weiss was right though, maybe I just wanted her to be the leak. I knew that wasn't the truth though. I knew if it was true it would destroy Vaughn, and I never would want that. My mind was now on high alert, and I scrutinized her every move. If she hurt him, she'd have hell to pay from me.
We joked over our outfits we had to wear in Berlin. Putting eyeliner on Vaughn has to rank as one of the most unusual experiences of my life. I'm surprised it wasn't all over his face, as we couldn't stop laughing. We even took a picture together with a digital camera for nostalgia purposes. I couldn't help wishing I still had the picture frame he'd given me to place it in. Vaughn commented that we needed to make sure Weiss didn't get his hands on it or he'd have it all over the office, and I laughed imagining my father seeing the picture. Making our way through the club, we were still laughing inside, but we slipped easily into our facades. The laughing inside ceased the moment our contact was shot. Chaos ensued, but I was convinced I saw Lauren. I went after her, desperate to prove the little voice in my head was right, but lost her. I wanted to scream.
Back at the safehouse, I wasn't sure whether to share my suspicions with Vaughn. I was afraid it would drive a wedge between us, but after finding out the contact died, I knew I needed to. I also knew if he found out later I'd held it back from him, it would cause problems too. I felt like I couldn't win and just got it out in the open. He reacted just as I expected him to, but I didn't expect him to throw our relationship in my face. That really hurt. I felt like I'd been slapped. I never got the chance to try to convince him otherwise as miraculously Lauren showed up at the door.
Calling Mrs. Reed didn't alleviate my suspicion; it actually worsened it. I couldn't help but wonder if the entire family was bad. Lauren was way too nice to me in the safe house, especially considering what she'd said to me in the ops center recently. I knew I was exhausted, but I just knew she was up to something. I refused the coffee she offered me, and scrutinized her every move until it was time to leave.
When we got back and Marshall informed me that the flash drive had been wiped, I couldn't help but recall Lauren's hand near it when she had brought us coffee. I shared my thoughts with my father, and I was frustrated when he didn't agree. I knew he was just playing devil's advocate, but I felt like no one was on my side. I took comfort knowing that he was going to talk to Vaughn, and hoped he would at least get Vaughn to open his eyes.
I didn't get a chance to talk with my father about his talk with Vaughn before we were off to Milan to follow a lead. The Rambaldi signs made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. After fighting several guards from the order of Rambaldi I rushed upstairs to find Vaughn. I was shocked when I was recognized from the Prophecy page by the doctor. I was so shocked that he grabbed my gun. Before he had a chance to pull the trigger, Vaughn killed him. He didn't take any chances with my life.
The plane ride home was quiet. I was pretty freaked out about the Rambaldi business and finding out more about the passenger. Vaughn slept most of the ride home, and I was worried about him. I wasn't sure what to say to him, so part of me was relieved. I told my father what I'd found out in Milan and he informed me he thought the passenger was my mother. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night.
The morning didn't improve things. An early morning text message from Vaughn woke me and my father called five minutes later to offer to pick me up as he received the same message. My paranoia was in full hilt as we walked on onto the roof, but nothing prepared me for the words that left Vaughn's mouth. You were right. I realised right away that Weiss was wrong. The ramification of what all of this meant for Vaughn devastated me, and I was in shock. I didn't even know what to say.
It became difficult to read him. He seemed to be handling it okay, but I was getting a vibe from him I'd never felt before. On the plane to India he feigned exhaustion and slept the entire trip. I didn't doubt he was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I was sure he didn't get any sleep the night before. Who would when they find out they had been betrayed by their wife? I felt like he was avoiding me, but I didn't blame him. I knew he had a lot to work out in his mind. While I've been betrayed before, having it be done by your wife, I couldn't even imagine what he was going through.
I couldn't help but think of what this meant for me and Vaughn. In fact it scared me to death. Part of me wanted to jump back in head first, but I knew that would be foolish. He has a lot of things he needed to sort out first. I knew it would take time. I wanted to be there for him, but I needed to protect myself first. I'd gotten my hopes up so many times this year only to have them crushed. I knew this was different. I knew his relationship with her was really over. My heart was anxious to declare my devotion to him, but my brain was putting up warning signs.
On our way back from India, it was my turn to feign exhaustion. The reality was I just didn't want to talk about what Conrad had told us. The possibility that I had a sister was mind-blowing. It brought up endless questions that I wasn't even sure I wanted the answers to. What Conrad told me echoed through my mind. She is your destiny. It sounded like something out of a Star Wars movie, but considering everything I'd seen so far, I knew it was probably real.
The awkwardness returned between us. I'm not sure why. I'm sure both of us were scared, and he had so much to deal with. I could tell his act with Lauren was taking a toll on him, especially after his trip to Richmond. I could only pray that it would be over quickly. I remembered what it was like to put on an act with Sloane, and it tore me up inside. I knew it was much worse for Vaughn and I was worried he might not emerge from this unscathed.
Hearing and knowing what happened in Richmond was hard to stomach. I knew I had no right to feel jealous or betrayed. He didn't belong to me anymore. At least that's what I kept telling myself. He tried to talk about it, to apologise, but I wouldn't let him. I was probably colder than I should have been, but it was the only way I could deal with it. I didn't sleep when he was in Richmond. My mind went places it shouldn't have every time I tried. Reading a book at night to keep my mind off things has become my escape.
Luckily it didn't affect our working relationship. We still worked in tandem flawlessly. I felt so bad for him when he mentioned wanting a normal life. How many times had I said that myself? It took me forever to realise that would never happen. I know I might not ever be at complete peace with that fact, but I just tried to be as happy as I could be given the situation. I tried not to think of a future with Vaughn. Right now, hope and fear are doing battle with each other.
I felt horribly guilty when I returned from Chechnya. I never knew Vaughn had been kidnapped until we landed and my father told me. I have a feeling he knew and just didn't tell me. He knew I'd drop everything with Sloane and my sister. He'd been in the hospital six hours when I got there and they had stabilized him. They were worried about his heart. It still showed abnormal rhythms at times. The doctor told me that was to be expected after what he'd been put through, but the idea he may have suffered permanent damage nearly made my own heart stop.
Leave it to Vaughn to ask me if I was alright when he was the one lying in the hospital bed. He never failed to amaze me, always putting me first. He looked so horrible, the bruises and cuts marring his face and I could only imagine what the rest of him looked like. I wanted to kiss every one of them, and I vowed to make Sark and Lauren pay for what they'd done to him. He was so tired and weak. After he warned me about my sister he drifted off again. I stayed at his bedside and held his hand for awhile. I let the tears I'd been holding back fall. I cried quietly realising how close I had been to losing him again and I wasn't sure I could deal with it anymore. Exhausted myself, I curled up on the couch in his room and drifted off.
I spent the next few days researching everything I could on my sister. I visited Vaughn at lunch and in the evening. Mostly he just slept. We talked about what I'd found each day and how I felt about having a sister. He didn't want to talk about Lauren. Anytime I brought her up, he changed the subject. I couldn't blame him; he obviously had a lot to work out. He'd spent over a year with someone and it was all a set up from the beginning. He'd more than likely been drugged and conditioned to fall in love with Lauren. I slowly realised it was going to be a hard road back for him, and I was determined to make sure he didn't rush things. I still loved him, but I wasn't sure I was ready to try with him again. Not yet anyway.
The doctors wanted to keep him until he'd had twenty-four hours of no abnormal heart rhythm. So I was surprised to see him walk into the ops center. The bruises had faded and the cuts were barely visible, on the outside anyway. It was the ones on the inside I was worried about. He seemed determined, almost desperate when he took responsibility for what happened with Lauren. I was just glad he'd finally mentioned her, but it almost didn't seem normal. While my heart fluttered knowing all he could think about was working things out between us, my mind was screaming at me to be guarded, and for once I listened.
Our trip to St. Petersburg went well, although it was not completely successful. I was worried about Vaughn as at times he seemed to be breathing quite heavily, and I wondered if it was a mistake for him to be out in the field so soon. He'd slept the entire flight over, only waking to eat and use the facilities. I could tell he was frustrated. On our flight home, he'd made several phone calls to Weiss and I'd heard Lauren's name mentioned several times. I was just relieved he was talking to someone about it. At least I hoped he was.
I soon realised how much it was affecting him though. He seemed obsessed with finding her. I couldn't blame him. I was the same way with Sloane when I found out everything. Anger can be a powerful fuel. What happened in Cienfuegos horrified me. I'd never seen Vaughn like that. He was almost psychotic. He wasn't as confrontational about it as I expected him to be on the cargo plane back. Even though he denied he did anything wrong I could see it bothered him. When he admitted his behavior scared him too I wanted to pull him into my arms and assure him everything would be okay. I knew it might not be and I wasn't going to lie to him. I just prayed that we would find Lauren and he could somehow put it behind him. I knew we had no chance of a future unless he could.
The mission to Japan proved how obsessed he was with finding Lauren. I was shocked when he left me to pursue her. I think in the back of my mind, I'd known it was going to happen if he had the opportunity, even though I'd made it clear to him that Nadia was our objective. I don't know why I covered for him. Probably because I understood better than anyone what he was going through. I'd made the same mistakes, and I knew he would have covered for me. It didn't make me feel any better about it though, and I realised maybe backing away from him wasn't the best idea.
I know he would never put my life in jeopardy, but his judgment was clouded, and that's when things happened that could have ended one of our lives. I made it clear to him that I wouldn't cover for him again, although I knew if it came down to it I probably would. I was honest with him about how I felt about things. I made sure he knew that I wanted to be the one to help him through this. I wanted to give back to him what he did for me when I was a double. I wanted to think I got through to him and I could only pray I did.
No one wanted this to work out more than I did. Like I told Dr. Barnett, he's my soulmate, my everything. There was just so much going on that needed to be worked out individually. He needed to deal with the demons, and I needed to deal with my fear of losing him again. Only then could we truly find each other again. Until then, I'd be there for him as much as I could be.
When Eric told me in the chaos of the rotunda that Vaughn had left after interrogating Sark, I knew something was going on. Once I talked to him I knew for sure Sark had told him where Lauren was, and he'd gone to kill her. I'd never been more afraid for him. I tried to reason with him. I tried to convince him not to. There was nothing like the feeling of helplessness I felt knowing he was out there facing his demons and I couldn't help him. I couldn't lose him again, not when I was so close to finally getting him back.
I tried calling him back so I could trace his location, but he'd turned his phone off. I went to view the interrogation tape only to find out my father had blocked me from it. I couldn't believe my father was using Vaughn to somehow get his own closure that he didn't take advantage of with my mother. I know in his own way he was trying to pave the way for Vaughn and I to be back together, but his way wasn't right for Vaughn. Vaughn was fueled with anger and the need for revenge and wasn't thinking rationally. If he did what my father wanted, I knew eventually it would destroy him. I'd never felt so helpless. All I could do was sit, wait, and pray.
What I didn't expect was to be notified they were transporting Vaughn to the hospital. I was there when he arrived and when I saw him on the gurney being wheeled into the O.R. his rage became mine. I wanted her dead. I didn't care about anything else. He was all that mattered to me and I wasn't going to let that bitch get in our way any longer. I guess in some ways I should have thanked her for eradicating my fear, and I planned on doing it by putting a bullet between her eyes.
As soon as Vaughn was out of surgery and I knew he'd be okay, I'd met with Sark and got the information I needed. With the help of my father, and Eric's assurance he'd stay with Vaughn, I was soon on my way to Palermo. Sitting and waiting for nightfall I had so much time to think about everything. Vaughn and I had been through so much, but through it all, our love never faltered. Somehow it even flourished even though we weren't together.
My anger and determination never waned. I was going to kill Lauren, and nothing would get in my way. When Katya surprised me, I didn't take any chances. I followed my instincts and once again they didn't fail me. I took her out and went to search for Lauren. I let my emotions get the best of me though, and she surprised me. I couldn't believe she got the advantage over me. I thought for sure I was dead until I heard him. Stop, let her go.
I couldn't believe he was there, or that he was even able to walk. He was the most glorious sight I'd ever seen. Nothing mattered anymore. I was no longer afraid. He was there, and I wasn't ever going to let him go again. Our lips met and all the fear in my heart and soul disappeared. When the final shot rang out and Lauren fell to her death, the chains that were wrapped around both of our hearts disappeared. There was nothing in our way now, just us. It was exactly as it should be. I didn't care about what Lauren had said to me, or what she'd said before she died. It didn't matter and as our lips met again, I lost myself and surrendered.
As our kiss deepened I was almost afraid I was dreaming. Was this really happening? Was it really over? If it hadn't been for my pounding heart and his ragged breaths, I wouldn't have believed it. This man who saw through me, saw everything of me, and loved me despite of it. He risked everything including his life to get there to save me.
I came for you.
As we pulled apart I was almost afraid to open my eyes. When I did and looked into his, I couldn't believe it. It wasn't a dream. "You're still here."
"I'm still here."
fin