Dr. Gregory House was having a relatively good day. His running total so far was: One life saved in a long-lived mysterious medical case; no awkward moments with Cameron; two awkward moments with Cuddy - both awkward of her behalf; one whole episode of General Hospital watched in complete and utter peace; and two levels completed in his current GBA game.
All was well, that is, until the dreaded Clinic Duty came around. He was stuck in a continuous flow of various half-witted, evolutionary-challenged cave people until 7 o'clock that night, when he was free to go home and bathe in his days ill-contents.
With a sigh House entered an exam room, ready to wait for his next patient. To his surprise, they were already there, waiting for him.
Situated around the room were three people. Two, a balding ginger-haired man and a tall black-haired woman, were standing close together. It was either that the man was trying to hide behind the woman, or that the woman was trying to protect the man from the rooms' third occupant. This was a cynical-faced man with unruly black hair.
House approached the threesome with some caution. "Hello," he said, looking at each person in turn.
"Hello," replied the woman in a false-friendly voice. She had a British accent and spoke as though she was trying to pronounce her words more properly than she normally would.
House's eye was caught by the black-haired man, who stood with a frown on his face, glaring at the floor in total disgust.
"What can I do for you fine folk?" House asked, curiosity tweaking inside him.
"Well, you see - " the woman started.
"Fran! Where are your manners? We should introduce ourselves!" exclaimed the rounder, balding man. He stepped around Fran and held out his hand to House. "My name's Manny," he also had a British accent, but had an enthusiastic tone which matched his wide eyes perfectly. "This is Fran," he gestured to the woman, "And this..." Manny's voice grew darker, "This is Bernard."
"And who're you then?" Bernard shouted at House. He was quite blatantly Irish, with a drunken lilt to his voice.
House stared at him in surprise for a moment before replying. "I'm Dr. Gregory House. So what one of you is my patient?"
"That would be ME!" shouted Bernard once more. "I'm suffering from stress! Severe stress!"
"Oh Bernard, don't be so dramatic," said Fran in a soothing voice.
"I'm not!" Bernard turned to House, "It's him! Smeegle over here! Him with his back-chatting, and - and not pouring my wine!"
"Look Doctor," continued Fran, "I'm sorry to be wasting you're time like this, but we're supposed to be on holiday! And all Bernard here ever does is complain boss poor Manny around," she looked toward the redhead who was now whimpering in the corner, "I mean, just look at him…"
House shook his head in an attempt to shake himself back into reality. This whole scenario was too amusing to watch on his own – no matter how much Clinic work he got out of doing. Maybe he needed some help...
"One moment," said House politely. He stuck his head out the door and called for Dr. Cuddy to assist.
"What is it House," Cuddy sounded exasperated. She was all too used to his needing 'assistance'.
"I have some lovely people here who have some issues."
"I'm sure you can handle it, Dr. House," Cuddy said as she edged towards the door.
"I think you'll like this Doc! Might be a learning experience for you," House replied.
Cuddy examined House's expression. "Fine," she said and turned to Bernard, Manny and Fran, "What can I help you with?"
"Maybe I should explain all this properly," said Fran reasonably.
"No!" yelled Manny, ambling forwards, "No, let Bernard tell them how he's always mentally abusing me - making me do all his house work - even in the hotels! Making me pour his drinks and light his cigarettes. How I always have to - "
"Alright!" yelled Cuddy to hush the clearly distraught man. "Why don't we all just calm down."
"No, no it's fine by me," interjected Bernard, "I'll tell you all how Manny is so profusely disobedient. Did you that he even sometimes refuses to do my washing?"
"Do it yourself!" cried Manny.
"No! I'm not keeping you around to sell books you know!"
House and Cuddy were getting the distinct feeling that the situation was getting out of their control.
"Look, people!" House yelled, "It's becoming very clear to me that this is not the best place for you to receive help. And it's already very clear that you need it."
"I agree," said Cuddy, "I think maybe it's best if we refer you all to our psychiatric ward."
"Oh thank God!" cried Fran, slapping a hand to her forehead, "I thought I'd never have a real reason to send them there!" She eyed the two doctor's curiously. "Say, would you like to join us for a drink later? I could use some new company."
"Sure," replied House distractedly.
At this time Cuddy was holding the door open. She grinned her Good-Luck to House and slipped out, closing the door with a click.
"Actually, d'you know, I think a psychiatrist is exactly what Manny needs right now. Maybe then he'll learn to serve without question!" there came a fiery mad look in Bernard's eye.
"Me? It's you that needs help in the mental department!" Manny's words were accompanied with eclectic hand movements around his temple area.
"Why you ungrateful little ingrate!" Bernard shouted. As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Bernard picked up a nearby metal bowl and started beating Manny around the head with it.
Fran looked at House pleadingly. "BERNARD!" she yelled, "Bernard stop it! Oh look, you're messing up his hair!"
House pulled a squirming Manny away from the Irishman. He had never dealt with a patient this crazy.
"Are you mad?" House said to Bernard in shock.
Bernard looked at House with an incredulous look on his face. "Quite possibly, yes. Why? Will that help you figure out what's wrong with him?"
A/N: Yeah... Black Books is a good TV show. Took the IDEA for this story off another set of short stories I've been reading – Exam Room 2 by ShegoSnape.
Sorry for any typo's or excessive use of any words like "exclaimed", "cried" and "shouted". I wrote this fairly fast, and wanted to post it straight away. Also sorry for any House OOC-ness, I had Bernard's voice resounding in my head the whole time.