Disclaimer: Only in my dreams….
I'll Never Tell
By, RockafellaSaint
Ulrich's point of view.
I know I'm staring, and I know she's bound to notice soon, but I can't help myself. Its like she's my air, my water, my sustenance, just being near her is satisfying. Or at least, more satisfying than not being near her.
She glances in my direction and I quickly look away, praying that she doesn't realize that I've been gaping at her for the past ten minutes. I can feel her eyes on me, and I can't keep myself from looking over at her again, locking gazes with her for a long heart-stopping moment. Embarrassment flares hot within me, burning up onto my cheeks, and I force my eyes away, mortified that just a look from her can reduce me to a quivering bundle of nerves.
I love and hate the way she affects me, but to tell the truth, I wouldn't trade the way I feel when I'm near her for anything in this world or any other. But I'll never tell her that. It would kill me to admit my feelings and then have her tell me she doesn't think of me like that. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve like Sissy can, I'm not brave enough for that, and I'm not as bold when it comes to girls as Odd is; dating every girl in the eighth grade just because he can. I'm not even like Jeremy, who's really shy, and almost never makes a big show of any of his emotions, but when he feels something, I mean really feels it, he acts on it; even if it's only in his own quiet way. I'm not like any of them, though sometimes I wish I was.
It's better if I just watch her from a distance, and stay her friend; rather than drive her away by trying to have something she'd never be willing to give. Something I know I don't deserve anyway. She is a strong, beautiful, and intelligent girl, an upstanding citizen if there ever was one, and I'm about half a step up from juvenile delinquent. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that she would even stoop so low as to sully her hands by associating with me. But that's the kind of person she is, one who doesn't care how bad or dirty you are, she still spends time with you and is your friend.
I look over at her again, and my breath catches in my throat; she's so amazing. For a moment I feel like a hand has reached inside my chest and squeezed my heart, sending a strange, and not exactly bad, little shiver down my spine. But then the bell rings and I'm forced to stop looking at her to pack my bag and head for the door.
To my joy, she's standing there waiting for Odd and me when we exit; the three of us walk to lunch together, Yumi between us. She's so close to me I can feel her body heat soaking into me, melting all the tension from my muscles and filling me with happiness.
Someone else may pretend not to know what this feeling is, but not me. If there's one good thing to say about me it's that I'm honest with myself, especially when it comes to my feelings for her. I love her, pure and simple. I, Ulrich, love Yumi, the most beautiful girl in the world. But I'll never tell her that, not in a million years. I wouldn't be able to survive the rejection that would surely come afterwards. So I'll stay her friend, and try to content myself with never being as close to her as I really want to be, and I'll keep my precious secret. But I'll never tell. Never.
Yumi's point of view.
In my head I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way, I know that plenty of other people all over the world have experienced there own special brand of this emotion, but sometimes I don't listen to my head and forget that I'm not alone in my sweet suffering. Every so often I feel like no one understands how painful and frustrating it is to be 'just friends' when I want to be so much more.
I spend a lot of my time thinking, okay daydreaming, about what it would be like to be more than his friend. Some of my wildest daydreams consist of me telling him how I feel, usually in a very cute way involving the pouring rain and a single umbrella in the middle of a park, and he says he feels the exactly same way about me, and then he gives me a kiss that I can feel all the way down to my toes and warms me from the inside out. And for a moment I'm happy, but then I come back to reality and realize that he doesn't think of me like that, and for a moment I feel like I'm going to cry.
As the three of us, he, Odd, and I walk to lunch I can't help but wonder what he thinks of me. I'm mean, I know I'm weird and not as pretty as some girls that have tried to get his attention, but maybe, just maybe he doesn't think I'm a total freak show. What if he thinks I'm cool? What if there's the slightest chance he considers me worth his time? What if he asks me to the up coming Christmas dance the school is hosting? I know it's really stupid to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. One of these days all these what ifs I've been feeding myself are going to come crashing down around me and my hearts going to break with them. But until then I'll daydream about romantic meetings in the rain and enchanted evenings at a dance, and I'll build my hopes up to the sky.
I shoot a glance at him out of the corner of my eye and my heart skips a beat, he's just that gorgeous. But I'll never tell him that I think he's the most handsome man on the planet. I would die from embarrassment and pain when he tells me, as I know he would, that he only thinks of me as a friend.
No matter how much it hurts me not to tell him that I love him, no matter how badly I want to kiss him and be kissed by him, I'll keep my secret, it would be a hundred times worse to tell him and find out that he doesn't feel the same; so I stay silent, and stay near him as his friend, and I keep reminding myself of all the reasons why I'll never tell.
A.N: I know it was weird, but please review and tell me if it was a good weird or a bad weird. Maybe I'll update, if enough people want it.