Picking Up The Pieces

Rated: T

Pairing: Gibbs/Abby

Set: Sometime in Season 8

Disclaimer: I don't own anything do to with NCIS, it's characters…or Gibbs' cabin unfortunately.

A/N: I've been having some trouble getting the muse going so I'm concentrating on a few short fics to hopefully get me back on track again. Two parts to this one :-)

Chapter 1

Coldness, exhaustion and unrelenting loneliness were not unfamiliar feelings for him. He'd suffered through his share of anguish and tiredness, but this was different, this time he didn't know if it was worth picking himself up and trying to get through it. He'd done it many times before on his own but doing it this time, without her, without the one person he needed more than anything seemed almost meaningless.

Sitting on the floor of his basement Gibbs looked at the bottle of bourbon beside him, its contents gradually lowering. He hadn't bothered with a glass, the amber liquid burning down his throat the second he had the bottle within his grasp.

He couldn't remember the last time he slept properly, nor how long it had been since he'd eaten anything more substantial than half a sandwich or a can of beans. He knew lack of food and sleep would accelerate the effects of the alcohol but right now Gibbs didn't care, the quicker he could get drunk and pass out the better.

He just wanted to forget.

After staggering down the stairs to the basement he'd finally allowed himself to succumb to the fatigue that he'd been fighting for days and sunk to the floor, looking around at the empty room. There was no boat, just a table in the middle with a few loose pieces of wood that he was engraving for his current project.

With a deep sigh he let the alcohol start to seep through his veins before taking another drink. He wanted to numb the pain. Not in the same way he'd been trying to blank out everything except the case he'd found himself embroiled in, this was more a desire to erase from his mind how much he needed her right now.

Abby.

When had he begun to need her so much that it felt like he couldn't function without her? For a man who hadn't depended on anyone in so long it was an emotion that had become crippling. It consumed him when he tried his damnedest to evade it, chased him as he slept and lingered during his waking hours, always in mind even as he worked.

But instead of doing what his heart had told him to, Gibbs had turned away from her, vowed to protect her from those who could threaten him…and tried to keep her safe from him at the same time.

The case that Gibbs had closed just hours ago had brought to the surface feelings which he'd thought he'd managed to bury. Over the course of the last several months the way he saw Abby and how he thought of her had started to change. He'd fought against it though, told himself it was impossible they could ever be anything more than friends. And in the midst of anger and an obsession to catch a killer he'd pushed her away, when all he'd wanted was to hold her close.

Three former Marines who not only had a remarkable similarity to Gibbs' appearance, but also had backgrounds which were comparable to his had been murdered over the last two weeks. They had all been men who had divorced several times and still had ties with the navy, but the thing that had drawn the attention of all his team and increased their concern for Gibbs' safety had been their ties to one common factor. Each of them lived in the same area and frequented the same coffee shop on their way to work.

Picking up the bottle again Gibbs took another mouthful and leaned back, his hand shaking slightly as he ran it through his hair after he put the bourbon down. The last two weeks had not only tested his sanity but it had put strain on his relationships with the people he worked with. Granted they'd caught the killer, but at what personal cost?

Gibbs knew he didn't have to explain his actions to his team, he was their boss, but they were also his family, and they'd been worried about him. What he'd seen as an opportunity to make himself bait to a murderer, everyone else had seen as a death wish. They had wanted him to go into protective custody, but more than anything they'd wanted to watch his back and Gibbs hadn't allowed that.

His plan had proven crucial in apprehending the killer, but not everyone had seen it that way. His team, and more importantly Abby, was pissed at him for taking a huge risk…one that had come dangerously close to ending his life.

To Gibbs it had been the only way to catch the killer. There was every chance the murderer may not have seen him as their next victim but Gibbs' refusal to change his habits or to stay away from his house provided them with the opportunity to find out. He wasn't immune to putting himself in danger to capture a suspect and this time was no different.

Just as he had on numerous occasions he'd decided to go through any daily routines without back up, concerned that if their suspect was watching him they would catch onto anything out of the ordinary. And that was what had annoyed and worried his colleagues so much, that he seemed to be offering himself up to a violent psychopath so willingly.

He was glad they all now had the weekend off to try and get over any issues they had, so by Monday things might be able to start to return to normal. Everything was far from normal for Gibbs though, he had no doubt his feelings for Abby would still be the same once the weekend was over.

The case had also been a harsh dose of reality for Gibbs as he'd once again been confronted with death in the form of a knife to his throat. His only thoughts in what could've been his final moments were of Abby. And it was those thoughts that had made him fight back…he didn't want to die without seeing her one last time, without her knowing how he felt.

The suspect had let himself into Gibbs' unlocked house and waited in the darkness for Gibbs to come home after work. Even though his gut had told him something was off, what Gibbs hadn't expected to find was a copy of the newspaper article of Shannon and Kelly's death on the floor of his living room.

That split second of surprise had been the only lapse in concentration the killer had needed and before Gibbs could regain his bearings there was a knife blade against his throat.

Disarmed and fatigued Gibbs had tried to talk his way out of it, hoping that he could gain the upper hand or that his team would show up, even though he'd told them to stay away.

Seeing the silhouette of DiNozzo outside through the front window had instantly filled Gibbs with relief. He knew Ziva or McGee would be going around the back.

It was over in a matter of minutes. Tony had drawn the attention of the suspect by coming in through the front door and Ziva had ambushed him from the back.

Considering he'd managed to kill three highly skilled former Marines, he was incredibly stupid in many ways. Ziva had knocked him unconscious with the butt of her gun, the blade of the knife slicing through the surface of Gibbs' neck as he went down.

Gibbs had been lucky. His team, his friends, had helped save him. Now he just had to work out how he was going to repair the damage that had been done.

Hearing the front door open above him, Gibbs lifted his eyes from the ground to look towards the top of the stairs as footsteps approached. The movement gave no indication of who it might be and Gibbs just hoped it wasn't Tobias Fornell coming to make him feel worse than he already did.

He felt his chest tighten when Abby tentatively appeared in the doorway. It wasn't unusual for her to come and check on him after a difficult case, but he hadn't expected it this time. Guilt ran through him at her nervous stance, she looked almost scared of him, and that was worse than any torment he was inflicting on himself.

"Gibbs…" her voice was soft as she spoke, her hand reaching out to take hold of the railing.

He had no idea what he'd say to her. More than anything he wanted to share what he was going through but he didn't want to push her away further if she wasn't ready to hear it. And finding the right place to start could be more than a little difficult.

Momentarily he looked away from her to glance at the bottle beside him. Gibbs could feel the alcohol starting to affect him but he wasn't sure that he'd had enough to tell her how he felt yet. It wasn't that he didn't want to, he just didn't know how.

"Are you alright?" Abby asked, taking several steps down.

He nodded in response, the fact that he was sitting on the floor of his basement wasn't lost on Abby though. She'd debated whether to come to his place or not, uncertain if Gibbs would want the company, and worried that he'd resent her checking up on him. She took the fact that he hadn't asked her to leave as a good sign, because she needed to be here…not just for Gibbs but for herself.

After what she'd gone through the last two weeks Abby didn't think she could go through the same thing again…watching him sacrifice himself for others, unable to tell him that if he paid the ultimate price then so would she.

If he lost his life then Gibbs would take her with him. She loved him that much, needed him more than she'd ever needed another.

She'd been frantic when he'd told the team that he didn't want any of them near him outside of work hours. Gibbs had seen himself as the prize to the serial killer's collection, and was anticipating the murderer would see things the same way. Claiming the life of the lead investigator, who fit the victim's profile as well, was a temptation Gibbs was hoping would be too good to ignore.

"You don't look okay," Abby commented as she continued down the stairs, her eyes moving to the bottle of bourbon.

"Just a little tired," he lied.

Gibbs wanted her here, but now that she was he wasn't sure if he could keep himself together for much longer. Her nearness was enough to widen the cracks that had already began to appear in the walls he'd surrounded himself with. And although that was what he wanted, to tell her how he felt, he was afraid of the consequences.

There was very little that scared Gibbs. He was fearless in his job, but when it came to bearing his soul and giving up that part of himself he was terrified. He hadn't allowed anyone to see him that vulnerable since Shannon.

"That's understandable, it's been a long couple of weeks." Abby approached him and nervously shifted her weight on her feet before working up the courage to sit down beside him.

She took in the dark rings around his eyes, the only expression she could read was one of pain. Abby knew this case had been difficult for him but she was certain there was something going on under the surface, something he was trying his best to keep hidden. Given he was obviously in such a state of distress, she questioned her other reason for coming to visit him.

More than anything she'd wanted to make sure he was okay, but Abby had also decided that it was time to try and make him understand how she felt about him and that his actions had affected her perhaps more than he realized.

"Want a drink?" Gibbs asked, about to get up and find her a glass.

The weight of Abby's hand on his arm stopped him. She took a hold of the bottle on the floor and lifted it to her lips, drinking a mouthful and hoping it wouldn't cloud her judgment but rather give her the strength to go on.

"Have you put anything on the cut on your neck?" She asked, her hand trembling as she reached up to trace her fingers around the wound.

Gibbs shook his head. "It's what the bourbon's for, to numb the pain a little."

He forced a smile to his lips and took the bottle when she offered it to him. Gulping down several mouthfuls of bourbon, the action gave an indication of just how much pain he was trying to numb.

"It looks sore Gibbs, let me put something on it?"

"Abbs…" His voice was strained as he spoke, confusion and frustration creeping in that he wanted her to look after him, but worried if he let her he would sink even further into the hole he was digging for himself.

"I won't hurt you, I promise."

For the first time since Abby had arrived Gibbs' eyes met hers and held for more than a few brief seconds. The impact of the gaze was as electric as it was heartbreaking, smoldering blue locking onto darkening emerald, both of them searching and pleading for what they yearned for.

"I know you won't hurt me," he told her quietly, feeling her fingers still gently resting on his neck. Gibbs took an unsteady breath before continuing, the softness in Abby's eyes giving him the reassurance to take a leap of faith and trust in her. He wasn't sure he wanted to have this conversation, but he owed it to her, and he owed it to himself to find out if he'd ever have a chance with her. "But I hurt you?"

"Gibbs…" She gasped at the rawness of pain that flashed in his eyes before he masked it again, deciding that if she opened up with him Gibbs might be more likely to do the same. "I was scared that I'd lose you...do you have any idea what that would do to me?"

Gibbs swallowed the lump in his throat, it hadn't been what he expected Abby to say. The words spiraled around in his head for several moments, his fingers tightening around the bottle in his hand.

"Didn't mean to scare you, or hurt you," he answered when he finally spoke.

"I wanted to be there for you, to be the one you turned to when everything was falling apart around you."

How could he tell her he was feeling lost and alone, something he hadn't faced to this degree in a long time. He'd needed her and had known she would've done anything to help him but he refused to ask something so immense of her, instead choosing to battle through on his own.

This case had hit him hard for more than the simple reason of the victims having a similar appearance, they too had lost children, and had no partner that they could turn to. They were essentially alone. That fact had made Gibbs realize even more how much he wanted to be with Abby…seeing his own loneliness thrust into his face. It tore him up inside and slowly ate away at him.

Of course he had his friends, and his dad, but that wasn't the same as having someone beside him day in and day out that he could share his life with. At first he'd been angry but as the case went on all he felt was alone, which had been one of the reasons he'd decided to make himself bait. He really didn't feel like he had anything to lose, or that anyone would miss him if something happened.

With the wounds still so open and raw Gibbs knew he had to try and share some of that pain with Abby if he wanted to have a chance with her. If he wanted to change his future and not get to the end of his life alone he had to find the courage to speak up now, or forever live with the regret that he let Abby go because he didn't even try to hold onto her.

"Wanted you there too," Gibbs finally answered, "probably more than you realize, just needed to distance myself, for the good of the case and to keep you safe."

"You always keep me safe Gibbs." Abby took a deep unsteady breath and slowly moved closer to him so she could lean forward and rest her forehead against his. One hand settled on his shoulder while the other framed the side of his face. "I don't know how else to tell you this so I'm just gonna say it…I need more than that, more than you protecting me, more than friendship. I think deep down you want that as well."

Gibbs closed his eyes, absorbing the nearness of her, the scent of her inflaming his senses. All this time he'd waited to lose himself in her and now Abby was giving him the chance…all he had to do was say the words.

"Can it be that simple?" Gibbs asked, reopening his eyes.

"Everybody has secrets Gibbs…but you're the one person I know will tell always me the truth, no matter what…I feel empty, incomplete, and I can't go on like this anymore, waiting, hoping, that maybe one day you'll decide we should be together."

She knew this could be the end of everything, that forcing him to face up to his feelings could destroy their friendship and any chance they ever had of a relationship, but almost losing him this time was the final straw.

Gibbs had so much he wanted to get out, so much going over in his mind. He felt trapped, knowing that what Abby wanted to hear was the same thing he wanted to say to her, but that actually getting the words out was something else entirely. But he was also certain if he didn't give her something now then he could lose her forever, and any awkwardness and vulnerability he felt would be nothing in comparison to the hurt of pushing her away.

"I'm not okay, Abbs…I don't know that I ever will be…"

TBC…