Hola, everyone! Okay, this work is written script-style. I was having a horrible week at work and was in desperate need of a laugh, so I wrote this in pretty much one sitting. I added lib a bit when I did the final draft. So I don't expect it to be my best work. But I think it's funny, and my brother thinks it's funny, and we're both big Final Fantasy geeks. We LOVES US some FINAL FANTASY! Any wise-cracks in this story is purely loving, playful teasing and shouldn't be taken as any assault on Final Fantasy or Square-Enix; Besides, I'd be the first one to fight for either one. D
So, happy reading! (By the way, please check out my Final Fantasy XII fanfic. It contains a bit more depth. )
OBJECTION
What would happen if the characters of Final Fantasy got to say how they really felt about the games we all play, know, and love? The answer may be surprising, even possibly humorous…
BY
RIVAL TURK
(Scene opens on a dimly-lit, quiet room. All characters from Final Fantasy are present, from VII to XII. Everyone talks in a low mumble, except for Reno and Zell, who keep things stirred up on opposite ends of the room. Quistis finally stands with a few pieces of paper clutched in her hand and takes the position in the front of the room, facing everyone else.)
QUISTIS: (Clears throat and tucks one piece of blonde hair behind her ear). Attention, all. (Pulls on glasses as she looks over her paper). I suppose everyone has had time to get acquainted?
RIKKU: Heeeeey…..! Who are you? Why do you get to lead?
SEIFER: (In a bored fashion). She's our instructor.
BARRETT: A teacher?! &?! Why we need a $ teacher?!
QUISTIS: (With a sharp, piercing gaze at Barrett). Well! You are obviously from Final Fantasy VII. That language hasn't been used since 1997, and it won't be used here, young man. Not in MY classroo…. Presence.
BARRETT: (Crosses arms). Hmph!
SEIFER: What's up, instructor?
QUISTIS: (Tugs on glasses again, scrolling over the document.) Apparently, there are a list of complaints from many Final Fantasy characters about the various aspects of the worlds they are assigned to. We are here to discuss a plan of action. Feel free to discuss your concerns. Rinoa and I will be taking notes.
RENO: Rinoa, huh? (Grins around his beer).
ZELL: Dude, she's taken.
(Reno looks disappointed. Zidane stands up.)
ZIDANE: Yeah? I have a gripe! I hate the idea of being in an RPG altogether. Let's face it: During the storyline, I was never able to make one decision on my own. IN fact, sometimes people chose to do the exact OPPOSITE of what I would have done. Just for the record, by the way, I thought digging around for treasure aside a huge flightless pigeon was boring. Did I get a choice? NO!!
(Everyone applauds).
TIDUS: Yeah, like that time LuLu told me to be careful about my feelings for Yuna. I had a few people make me say LuLu was more my type. I'm STILL nursing a black eye that Wakka gave me for that one!
WAKKA: (Scratches his head) Oops. Sorry, brudda. Gotta defend Lu's honor, ya?
CLOUD: I whole-heartedly agree. You're forced to do things you would normally never do under the circumstances.
QUISTIS: Could you specify?
(Looks hesitant, then angry). They made me dress in DRAG, for God's sake!!
(Reno, Zell, Rikku, and Vaan burst out laughing loudly, Reno being the ring-leader. A few more hide smiles behind their hands and try desperately not to laugh, as well.)
And that's not all! I had to come onto him! I was this close to being Cloud Corneo!
RENO: Whew! That would've been WAY better than me tossing him off a cliff! Talk about brutal punishment, yo!
CID VII: Shaddup! That ain't funny! &$ fool!
QUISTIS: Ahem! (Glaring at Cid).
CID VII: Sorry, maam.
YUFFIE: Well, at least you get to be a main character! Don't you think a world-famous thief like me deserves a lead part?
RIKKU: Yeah! Who decides who gets to be the protagonist? Is there, like, a "royal-lead-character-voting-society" or something?
(Yuffie and Rikku high-five)
CID VII: Maybe some of us don't wanna be lead characters! Some of us have enough &#$ pressure having a & name like "Cid"! (Glancing in alarm at Quistis). Sorry, maam.
(Every Cid in the room applauds.)
CID VIII: It is very hard to live up to such a name, I'm afraid. Most of us are leaders of something.
CID IX: Rather. I was a king that could never catch a break. I lost my airship, my wife, my respect, my body…
RENO: Blah, blah, blah…
CID X: And it ain't easy being the leader of the Al Bhed people. 'Specially havin' to look after irresponsible people like Rikku and Brother!
RIKKU: HEY!!!!
CID VIII: You could have always handed off your position as leader, like I did…
(This creates a very exasperated "whatever" from Squall's corner of the room).
BALTHIER: I know naught of names, as my father was a Cid and hardly qualified to be a leader. Fortunately, but some of us are naturally lead characters, my friends. My role as lead man was rather written into my destiny.
PENELO: Uh, Balthier, XII didn't really have a…
VAAN: (Cutting her off). I was lead character!! Look how much production art featuring me came out before the game date was even released!
ASHE: You are mistaken, Vaan. I am naturally the main character, as it is my kingdom.
GABRANTH: Your kingdom?! What about Archades? It doesn't have to be completely about YOUR kingdom!
BASCH: Nevertheless, It started with my story. Perhaps I am the…
VAAN: No, it was about MY BROTHER, so if anybody has leading credentials, it's MY FAMILY!!!
QUISTIS: (clapping hands) Alright, alright! We get the point! May we move on, now?
VINCENT: You may find honor despite the fact that you gain no attention from the public.
YUFFIE: ooohhh, that's righ! Vince got a lead role after VII…(pauses) Hey! Wait a minute! I was a side-kick in DIRGE, too!!!
RIKKU: Just what does Square-Enix have against thieves?! I was a side-kick in both of my roles, too!
YUFFIE: Thieves rock!! RIKKU: Thieves rule!!
(They high-five).
VAAN: I say we start a thief and pirate fan-base.
BALTHIER: Where I play the leading man, no doubt.
QUISTIS: Perhaps we shouldn't cover that territory, anymore.
YUNA: Coverage! That's right! Quistis, my complaint is the dress-spheres!
(Reno and Rude look at each other.
Reno: You got a dress-sphere?
Rude: Nope.
Reno: Me, neither.)
ZELL: What the heck?
YUNA: Oh, you know what I mean. Our clothing! Look at the way I was designed! In X, I dressed like some backwards, pathetic, painfully modest and shy islander. And in X-2, I turned into some worldy, clothes-crazy showgirl!
PAINE: You dressed like a hooker.
RIKKU & YUNA: Hey!!!
RIKKU: But it's a look that she can pull off, right, Yunie?
PAINE: If she pulled any more off she'd be naked.
YUNA: It's not my fault what they dress me in!!!
ASHE: I agree. Anyone know how hard it is to fight in a mini-skirt?
(There is a show of hands. Cloud, Tifa, Selphie, Yuna, Paine, Rikku, Kuja, and Zidane. As everyone turns their attention to Zidane, he slowly puts his hand down.)
ZIDANE: Well, come on. I did work theatre, you know.
RENO: I think the clothes are comfortable.
BARRETT: Hmph. You would. && Shin-ra!!
RENO: And it's decidedly fashionable, yo.
RUDE: (Nods.) Girls go crazy for a sharp-dressed man.
(This produces giggles from Yuffie and Rikku. Rude waves at them.)
LENNE: I wouldn't have minded so much if my clothes hadn't been passed down fifty generations.
YUNA: Well, no one exactly likes wearing hand-me-downs, either. Especially when they're THAT old! The point being, you've got it hard clothes-wise as a girl in Final Fantasy.
IRVINE: Hey, it's not so bad being a guy in Final Fantasy. WE like your clothes…am I right, guys?
(Guys cheer while Selphie shoves him, sending his hat flying).
SQUALL: Speaking of character design, how long are scars supposed to look like this? It was supposed to heal ages ago. Do scars look this bad in their world?
AURON: Tell me about it.
BASCH: I fully appreciate your viewpoint.
VINCENT: Some scars are on the inside.
YUFFIE: (patting his shoulder comfortingly). Poor Vince…
BARRETT: You wanna talk about a few &$ scars?! Try getting your whole $# arm blown off and then tell me about pain!!
TIFA: What are you getting so worked up about, Barrett? Everyone loved your arm.
CLOUD: Well, at least you guys with scars have elbows. People who play us have been pleading with Square to remake us into anatomically correct characters for years.
TIFA: Yeah! We're the best-loved RPG of all time, and they can't even give me lips!
RENO: But they did give you big…
CLOUD: (With a warning glare) Shut it, Turk!
RENO: What?! I was going to say 'eyes'?!
RUDE: Sure, you were.
TIFA: Anyway, girls…write that down. Big, bold print-- "REMAKE FINAL FANTASY VII!!!"
CID VII: (Scratching head) You'd think the &$'s would have remade us a long time ago. They'd make more gil that you could shake a &$ stick at. (Glance at Quistis.) Sorry again, maam.
YUFFIE: And we don't mean another sequel, or a stupid spin-off! (Whispers to Rikku: 'Where we thieves are always the side kicks')
SEPHIROTH: I hate spin-offs.
SEIFER: Oh, chill. You were the best-loved bad guy in gaming history, even if you were the bad guy in spin-off too. Like in Kingdom Hearts, for example? What did I get? I got demoted to some naval-loving punk kid.
SQUALL: And we can't even use our real names.
(AERITH'S VOICE:) Or we have badly-duplicated costumes?
(everyone looks around, confused by the mystery-voice.)
TIDUS: Or we're trapped on a desert island where we suck at fighting?
SELPHIE: At least you got a stick! I had to fight with a jump-rope, for Pete's sake!
CLOUD: (growing irritable) Where you can't outrun your demons, make real friends, and you STILL can't get the girl?!!?!!
TIFA: (Looks at him sweetly) Why, Cloud….
(AERITH'S VOICE): Maybe he means me?
(everyone looks around again)
RENO: Bleeh! That's creepy, yo!
TIFA: After all these years, after dying on Sephiroth's blasted sword….Just can't leave it alone….
SQUALL: And let me tell you, it's no coincidence that the kid looks like a cross between Cloud and I.
RENO: And there's an 'Axel', from what I understand. Same voice, same gorgeous shade of red, but no where near as handsome as the original…
BARRETT: Yeah, the similarities are &$ good! Even Axel works for some & employer bent on &((#$ world domination!
RENO: oh, yeah! (Snaps his fingers and stands up). I have a contribution to make! Who decides who we work for? Some of our bosses are…uh…heh-heh. Kinda…
RUDE: manic.
GABRANTH: young.
SQUALL: annoying.
(Quistis nods gravely, scribbling furiously.)
STEINER: I beg your pardon! Bosses are not that bad!
ZIDANE: Stop sucking up, Rusty.
STEINER & GARNET: What?!
SQUALL: My boss isn't even competent. He's a middle-aged fart that handed off all the hard work and decision-making to a bunch of teenagers.
BASCH: Serving under an employer, especially royalty, can be very rewarding… (This gets a warm smile from Ashe, which is quickly replaced by a frown as he continues). However, it can have it's pains, as well. Risking your life day-to-day, with naught a word of gratitude, waiting hand and foot to their every whim, hearing incessantly of their concerns and problems… (Glances at Ashe's angry scowl.) …Apologies, your Highness.
ASHE: For your information, it's not so easy being royalty! (Garnet cheers). Quite to the contrary! I never have any time alone! I have to make concessions constantly! I have thick –headed princes incessantly annoying me. I have to look after the men in my army and in my country. What is this world coming to?! Everyone wants one thing…my attention! My bodyguards want Ashe! My people want Ashe! The whole world is focused only on Ashe! That's all they care about!
RENO: (Laughing). I want Ashe! Lots and lots of…
BASCH: (pulls sword) Are you insulting her majesty?
RUDE: Down, buddy. (Stands in defense of Reno)
(AERITH'S VOICE): Everyone should get along.
TIFA: (Rolls eyes and looks annoyed) La de dah freakin' dah…
(Cloud groans and buries his face in his hands).
BASCH: I won't hear another word from this charlatan.
RENO: WAH?
BALTHIER: He's calling you a menace, old chap.
RENO: Me? A menace? Hey, I'm not a bad guy, okay? Just annoying.
SEPHIROTH: No one gets to decide if they are evil or not. It is written into the pages of the game script.
SEYMOUR: I rather enjoy fine poetry. Might I ask if that is evil?
KUJA: I appreciate art and fine wine.
SEPHIROTH: I always wanted to perform in an opera. (Begins humming One Winged Angel)
TIDUS: Has anyone else noticed how overdone the evil twin or brother theme is? Look, it's me and Shuyin…
SHUYIN: I wasn't evil. Just desperate…and misunderstood…and in love…
TIDUS: (continuing) …Cloud's practically related to Sephiroth. Then there's Zidane and Kuja, and Basch and Gabranth….
SELPHIE: And Squallie and Seifer were raised in the same orphanage!
RENO: well, at least no one minds doing what they have to do to kill you guys. Not like me… (Rude shakes his head, as this point has obviously been talked about many times between the two of them. Reno glares at him.) You think I'm kiddin'? There was this crazy fangirl one time that had a major C.G. crush on me! She'd beat the crap out of me, say "Oh, I'm sorry, Reno!" and heal me, and beat the crap out of me again. Over, and over…and over…over….(lets out a tiny sob).
CAIT SITH: Lucky you are to be loved. Look how many people cosplay as you. Not many dress in a wee cat suit.
CID VII: Some people are more dog-lovers, Reeve.
(Red XIII looks up and wags tail hopefully.)
No one cosplays as you either, Red.
CAIT SITH: And you got more lines in Advent Children than I did, too.
RENO: (Smiles fondly). Yeah, I did, huh? I liked Advent Children. Made me even more popular….
AURON: (sighs) Proof positive that you don't have to be a competent main character to gain popularity.
QUINA: Look how popular dead girl is!
(Tifa growls to herself)
IRVINE: Uh, I have an issue. Who decides which woman we get with? I mean, there's so many choices…. (HE is slapped again by Selphie). I'm just sayin'! Maybe some people here would like a different choice of women!
CLOUD: Well, at least you GET a woman! How many guys get fought over by two hot girls and don't get to hook up with either one? Aerith is dead and I can't even get with Tifa because Aerith's fanbase is so big, Square fears "Public Outcry".
SQUALL: Maybe you should just be friends, like Quistis and I.
(Quistis pales and begins coughing. Rinoa shoots her a contented, conceited look.)
CLOUD: Get real. What guy in his right mind wants to "just be friends" with some girl he's hung out with his entire life? They know each other like a book!
VAAN: What if she's ugly? (Shrugs)
(Penelo hits him angrily.)
Ouch! I didn't mean you, Penelo!
(AERITH'S VOICE:) But I'm always with you, Cloud…
TIFA: Geez! Zack, would you shut her up?!
(A lone wolf howl is heard in the distance).
NEW VOICE (AKI): I agree. Death cannot separate two sympathetic spirits.
(Everyone is quiet. They finally notice the group of 6 from the "Spirits Within" in the corner.)
ZELL: uh….who the heck are they?
QUISTIS: Oh. They're the movie team. Spirits Within.
(Everyone goes "OOOOOHHH…." And is finished by Zell saying, "Never heard of it")
RENO: Cool! Movie guys! Welcome! Don't 'cha just love C.G.? In my case, I went from cool to hot in like…what? And hour and a half?
QUISTIS: ahem. Anything else?
SEIFER: Yeah! What's up with the big chickens?
ZELL: Whadja call me?!
RINOA: He meant the chocobos, Zell.
ZELL: Ooops. My bad. (Scratches his head.)
CID VII: Yup. Who wants to work with a bunch of &# dumb animals all day long?
(Looks around in a slight panic as a few stand angrily: Red XIII, Cait Sith, Quina, Khimari, and Fran.)
…I ….I mean nice animals….loyal animals…
BALTHIER: (Directly behind the now-standing Fran). I rather like it, myself.
RINOA: I think we'd all prefer trains as mode of transportation…
SELPHIE: Trains, trains, tralalalalallaaaaahhh…. (Dances around crazily).
SQUALL: Whatever. (To himself) Just shoot me. Now. Take my gunblade and…
(There is a knock on the door. Quina answers it, to see a moogle rushing in with a sizeable envelope.)
MOOGLE: Mail's in, Kupo! Apparently, Final Fantasy is a huge success! Sales are soaring! People cosplay you constantly! There's a high demand for paraphernalia and costumes! We're amazing, Kupo! We're popular! KUPO!!!!
(There is an awkward silence.)
RENOHe has to deliver mail at night? Got a worse boss than we do, yo…
QUISTIS: So…..(crumples up paper). We're popular. Drinks, anyone?
RENO: Ooohhhh! I know the place!
TIFA: My treat!
(They all begin leaving. VIII and Spirits Within are among the last to leave. Squall turns around and notices them.)
SQUALL: Uh, guys? The RPGS are popular. Sorry.
(Scene closes an a lonely band of Spirits Within Crew and a tired moogle. Tifa is heard saying in the background, over noisy chatter, "Maybe we should set her up with Auron…they're both dead…)
THE END!!
Well, hope you guys at least got a few chuckles out of it. Like I said, I wrote it when I was bored and in desperate need of a good laugh.
Might I emphasize again I am a HUGE FINAL FANTASY FAN! My favorite character is Reno. (Bet you couldn't tell. He had the biggest part in this one. Plus I've already written one Fanfic about him and I wasn't satisfied with it so now I'm in the process of writing another called "Diary of a New Turk". Stay tuned!) Not too long ago I went to a Q & A featuring Quinton Flynn and Jeff Nimoy. Jeff is a great guy and I love him to pieces, but I have to honestly say it made my YEAR to meet THE Reno, Quinton Flynn. I was all smiles—if you closed your eyes it was like sitting in a room with Reno of the Turks. Awesome.
Anyway, thanks for reading! It wasn't my best work, but it sure was fun. Hope you enjoyed it!
--Rival Turk