It was a feeling deep inside Veronica that only settled through the thrumming music shaking the floors and the rough touch of guys she would never recognize afterwards; it was a feeling buried in her subconscious that scorched through her veins, twisting her heart and making her want to release everything, to forget everything; it was a feeling that made her want to scream when she found no solution.
She had gone to every place in the small town of Riverdale she could think of that might offer her what she needed, every place she had gone to before and found what she was looking for, but this time was frustratingly different; there was nothing for her anywhere. The thought that she could no longer escape into the one feeling that drowned out reality terrified her, and - afraid to face it - she had done everything to hide from the pain, only to find that she had exhausted all her refuges. She had thought that maybe she hadn't been searching hard enough, but there were desperations even she wouldn't allow herself to reach.
With a frustrated sigh, Veronica shoved through the door that would lead her to where her personal driver was waiting, pulling open the back door and slumping inside. Resisting the urge to scream, she leaned her elbows onto her knees and covered her face with her hands.
"Where to now, Miss Lodge?"
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she tried to compose herself quickly as she sat back up, reaching over her shoulder to grab the seatbelt. "Home, Andre."
She could see the relief in the young man's eyes, but she turned her attention to the dark building still looming over her as Andre started the vehicle, trying to forget about the desperation the man had seen in her tonight. Lodges can never show weakness. She scoffed, so much for that. But to be quite honest, she didn't care if she ruined any of what her daddy had spent so long building; she may be a part of it now, but she would never care about it or agree with even half of what her parents did. She was weak, at least she was in this moment of her life, and she didn't know how to get passed it.
When the limo reached the Pembrooke, Veronica unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the door before her driver could even pull to a stop, causing Andre to stop immediately so that it was safer for her to step out of the vehicle. Breathing in the crisp air of the night, she stepped further from the vehicle and made to slam the door shut.
"Miss Lodge?"
"Yes, Andre?"
"Might I suggest that you go right to bed, it's getting late and your parents wanted you home three hours ago."
"Well, my parents aren't here right now," Veronica replied with a heavy sigh. "So, what they don't know won't hurt them. Thank you, Andre, for driving me, your assistance will not be needed again tonight."
"Right, Miss Lodge. Good night."
Veronica entered the Pembrooke, feeling worse than she had when she had left but determined to wash the horrors of the night from her skin with a scalding shower as she always did. In no time, she was in the spacious bathroom, unzipping her tight dress and letting it fall from her body as she kicked off her heels, removing her underclothes just as quickly. Reaching into the shower, she twisted the ornate knob until it favored the left, lifting the smaller one that would push the water through the showerhead and - without even testing the temperature of the water first - stepped in. Steam rose through the room quickly as Veronica let the hot water wash over her body, closing her eyes and running her hands over her head to slick her hair back. She tried to pretend the scalding water was the only thing in her world right now, tried to pretend like she hadn't failed to forget her suffering for the first time in the last three weeks.
Three weeks. That's all the time that had passed since Archie had broken her with a single sentence, with words so simple she hadn't thought they could wound as deeply as they had until that night. Three weeks, yet it had felt like so much longer, the days stretching on as if the universe was trying to prove that she couldn't last long without him. But she could, she knew she could, she just needed to figure out how, and she knew it was depressing how much she had grown to depend on his love, but she hadn't been able to convince her heart she didn't need him, not with how much she was still forced to see him. And the worst part was that she couldn't even see her room without thinking of him, of the nights they had spent locked away in there despite the risk of her daddy's wrath. He hadn't just taken away her spirits, he had taken away the comfort of her home as well.
Biting down on her lip in attempt to keep herself from crying, she grabbed the soap from its holder, beginning to wash away the night, her failure pulsing in her head to keep her from escaping from the pain. I don't think I can love all of you, Veronica, and you deserve someone who does. I'm sorry. She had felt similar daggers before, from past lovers before Archie, from old friends, and somehow, she knew it wouldn't be the last of that particular blade she tasted. She hadn't found even one person who had loved everything about her, everything she was, but she had really thought Archie would be the one to love her unconditionally; she guessed she had been wrong all along.
She had no idea how long she had been standing beneath the spray of water, but it wasn't until she heard a faint knocking that she noticed the water had gone cold. Confused, Veronica shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, quickly drying herself off as the knock happened again. She could tell it was coming from the front door, not the bathroom door, so that made her feel better about the unexpected interruption, but still she traveled the path to the main room cautiously as she slipped her robe over her body and tied the front. Wary about who she would find behind the door, she unlocked it and slowly pulled it open, only to find both her body and mind relaxing when she found a familiar, welcome face. However, that feeling of relaxation lasted less than a second before she registered just what she was seeing in front of her.
"Betty?" Veronica asked, her voice softer than she had ever heard it as the sight in front of her shattered her heart. "What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry for showing up like this," was Betty's response, which didn't tell her anything. "Andre let me up, I hope that's okay."
"It's always okay, B, get in here."
Veronica slid her hand over Betty's hip, pulling the girl into her for an embrace. Betty wrapped her arms tightly around her shoulders, her fingernails digging into her skin as fingers curled around the thin material of Veronica's robe, and she tightened her grip around the taller girl's waist, hoping to offer even more comfort. She could feel the heat of tears seeping through to reach the skin of her shoulder as Betty buried her face even further into her shoulder, her body shaking in Veronica's arms as her emotions got the best of her.
"It's okay, love," Veronica whispered affectionately, brushing her fingers through blonde hair as she eased them away from the doorway enough for her to close the door. "Don't feel any pressure, okay? You can tell me whenever you're ready, I'll be here for you all the same."
They stayed there like that for a while, though Veronica wouldn't be able to tell anyone the exact time; she didn't care how long it was, just that Betty needed her. However, eventually, Betty inhaled deeply, lifting her head from Veronica's shoulder to meet her worried gaze.
"Come here," Veronica spoke softly, sliding her fingers through Betty's and pulling her toward the couch where they could get comfortable. "Do you need anything? Water, another hug, maybe some chocolate?"
At the last part, Betty's lips lifted in a small smile. "I'm good, thank you."
Veronica reached forward to brush wet strands of blonde hair from Betty's face. "You sure?"
Betty nodded.
"Okay," Veronica breathed out, dropping her hand back down to join her other where it had tangled with Betty's in the other girl's lap. "Just let me know if you change your mind, B."
For a moment, neither of them said anything else, Betty's gaze glazing over as she stared at their intertwined fingers while Veronica watched Betty closely, worried about her friend and dreading the reveal of what had placed her in such a state. She would personally see to the misery of whoever had made Betty feel this kind of pain, she didn't care who it was.
"It's Juggy," Betty finally announced, her voice shaking with a sob as she spoke her boyfriend's name. "He… he broke up with me again."
… Not her boyfriend anymore. She hadn't seen that one coming.
"He what?" Veronica asked incredulously, her fingers tightening around Betty's.
"He said that he can't protect me anymore, something about a mistake he made in the Serpents," Betty stuttered out through her attempt to breathe deeply, her hands shaking in Veronica's. Veronica could tell there was something deeper, but she didn't want to pry it out of her; Betty would tell her when she was ready to. "What is wrong with me?"
And there it was. "What do you mean?"
"What's wrong with me, Veronica? Why doesn't anyone love me?"
Blue-green eyes lifted to meet her dark-brown ones, staring into the depths of Veronica and trapping her in everything that was Betty Cooper. And suddenly, a completely unexpected feeling washed over Veronica, making her feel as though she had only just now discovered what home truly felt like, triggering a realization she would have never seen as the truth before now.
Archie had told her that he wasn't capable of loving her the way she wanted to be loved because he couldn't find love in every part of her, and immediately she had jumped into the arms of guys she found at clubs who couldn't get anyone to love them either, but never the arms of the guys who wanted nothing more than to use girls for their bodies. She had been searching for a touch she could get lost in to hide the ache that came from Archie's sudden departure. But the touch of those who simply knew what it felt like to be undesirable hadn't been enough tonight, and now she knew it never had been. What she needed was not only the touch of someone who understood what it was like to feel unloved, but also the affection of someone she knew would always love her no matter what, and maybe… Maybe it doesn't have to be romantic affection. She needed a touch that blinded her, a touch that would replace the ache in her body with pure pleasure instead of merely dulling the pain.
She needed Betty.
She had always been attracted to Betty; her large blue-green eyes that expressed innocence, her puffy, mesmerizing lips that she knew were irresistibly soft, her sharp jawline that Veronica had always wanted to brush her lips against, her perfectly curved body that was modestly hidden under sweaters and jeans. Betty had everything, and she found it hard to believe that this girl had ever been dimmed down to the 'girl-next-door' - she was far too beautiful to be labeled so.
In that moment, dark-brown locked with a blue-green that drug her into a warmth that took over her entire body and mind - a warmth she had never noticed before in her friend's eyes - and she finally felt like she had found the one place she had always belonged. And in that moment, she realized that, while she had found refuge in those broken strangers, it was Betty that was her haven.
"I love you, Betty," Veronica stated fiercely, leaving no room for Betty to doubt the sincerity of her words. "And I always will."
"It's… It's not the same," Betty whispered brokenly, letting go of Veronica's hands but never retreating her gaze. "I need…"
Betty trailed off, but Veronica already knew what Betty needed. She could see it in her innocent eyes, she could see the desperation for attention, for someone to love her, for someone she wanted to stay with her for once, but she could also see a coating of curiosity, a spark of wanting buried underneath all the pain. This could help both of them. And that sealed Veronica's decision in an envelope she couldn't reopen even if she wanted to.
Reaching up slowly, Veronica let her fingertips brush delicately over Betty's temple - a small, cautious touch to test the surrounding water. Betty's eyelids fluttered at the touch of her hand as she slid it more firmly over her skin, caressing her cheek as she inched closer.
"What, Betty? What do you need?" Veronica lowered her voice to a seductive purr, bringing her other hand up so that she was now holding both sides of Betty's face, thumbs caressing her cheeks while her other fingers found purchase on the curve of Betty's neck.
Despite the questions directed toward her, Betty didn't say anything, the only reaction being the way her lips parted as her gaze flickered to Veronica's lips and lingered. Kissing Betty would be nothing new, but the electricity that clung to both of them as Veronica inched closer made the situation more frightening, more exciting, and Veronica found that she suddenly wanted nothing more than to get lost in Betty and forget about the world that had hurt both of them too many times.
Staring pointedly into Betty's widened eyes, Veronica whispered; "Stop me, if that's what you want."
But it wasn't what Betty wanted, Veronica knew that when she finally claimed Betty's parted lips in hers, kissing her slowly, deeply, letting Betty come to terms with what was happening and urging her to take more if doing so was what she wanted. Soon enough, Veronica felt hands gripping her neck and smooth lips pressing desperately against hers as Betty opened her mouth further for Veronica, allowing them to taste more of each other than ever before.
Yes, this could be exactly what they both needed.
I've seen some places and so many faces
But you look like home tonight
You crave attention and I need affection
So let's walk the silver line
There was desperation in the way Betty's lips molded to Veronica's, but Veronica could also feel how eager the kiss was, almost as if Betty had been waiting for this to happen for months, and she guessed they had both been waiting for this moment. Veronica took control, gripping Betty's jaw and bringing her thumbs to a pointed chin as she slipped her tongue passed two sets of parted lips to meet another, drawing a low hum from Betty when she showed the dominance she wanted through the way their tongues tangled.
Veronica wanted to show Betty that she deserved a love that would worship her, that she was beyond desirable and that it was the boys who easily left her that had something wrong with them, not her. Betty needed her love, and she would give her everything she had left inside of her, praying that it would be enough.
As for Veronica… Well, she needed Betty's touch to heal the pain that hadn't seemed to leave her body for even a second since her heart had been broken. She knew it was Betty that could ease it, that much was proven by the pleasure that already jolted through her from simply being kissed by her, and she found herself instantly desperate for more of Betty's touch; her hands, her lips, her tongue, Veronica needed it all.
A touch that had more affect than just numbing, that's all she was asking for.
All you need is my, all you need is my love
I've got a little bit left to give up
All I need is your, all I need is your touch
Baby, that's all I'm asking of you
Fingertips brushed delicately over the skin of Veronica's shoulder, waking her from the daze she had fallen into and bringing her back into a reality that was just as glamorous as the lie she had built in her head over the past few weeks. Experiencing a reality that was bearable was strange enough for Veronica, but as she focused on her surroundings, running through everything that had happened in her mind, she found that she wasn't merely enduring but also enjoying; the pain was no longer present.
"You're like magic, Betty Cooper," Veronica whispered, bringing her hand to rest on Betty's stomach.
Betty laughed quietly, uncomfortably. "I really doubt that."
"Why's that?" Veronica asked curiously, propping herself up on her elbow so that she could look at the beautiful girl and beginning to trace her fingers along her sternum.
"Because…" Betty trailed off, shifting beneath Veronica's touch. "I'm just nothing special, and I know that, so you don't have to pretend I am. I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth."
"Betty…"
"Can we just drop this topic?" Betty interrupted her, a pleading look present in her eyes. "Please?"
Veronica opened her mouth to say something else, but before she could get a single word out Betty had extracted herself from Veronica's arms and slipped off the bed, heading toward the bathroom. With a sigh, Veronica dropped herself back onto the mattress to get comfortable and wait for Betty to return.
She couldn't understand what Jughead would have had to say to Betty in order to crush her this much, or if it was even his fault at all, if it might simply be something that had been buried deep inside of Betty that had chosen now to surface. Thinking back, she could remember how broken Betty had been when Archie had denied any chance of a possible romance between the two of them and she knew that it was most likely a mix of both the break-up, and something deeper. Still, it bothered Veronica knowing that Betty was struggling with something about herself that she loved so dearly.
Worried about the fact that Betty hadn't returned to her side, yet, Veronica pushed herself off her bed and made her way to the bathroom, lifting her hand to tap her knuckles against the door softly, afraid of startling the girl. She didn't get a response, so she gripped the knob and twisted, finding the door unlocked.
She found Betty standing in front of the body-length mirror, her fingertips brushing down the skin of her arm in a way that screamed disappoint. And when she caught a glimpse of blue-green eyes through the mirror a knot formed in Veronica's chest at the pain she saw burning bright in them, the pain that showed volumes of self-loathing.
"You don't love me."
Those were the first words spoken, and Veronica didn't know how to respond.
"I do," Veronica spoke, her voice quieter than she had expected. "I do love you, Betty."
"But not in that way," Betty more stated than asked, her gaze catching Veronica's through the mirror as Veronica approached her from behind. "Just like everyone else."
"Betty Cooper, I do love you. With all my heart," Veronica whispered as she snuck her arms around Betty's waist and molded their bodies together, stretching to the tips of her toes in order to rest her chin on the taller girl's shoulder. She placed a kiss on Betty's neck. "But I can't repair your heart from what it's gone through. I'm just as fragile as you, B."
Betty's gaze lowered to where Veronica's hands rested on her stomach, hovering just above where her waistband would be if she were clothed. Veronica couldn't stand the look present in Betty's eyes, and she found herself questioning if she could even truly do something to change it for longer than a few hours. It was a horrendous hour of the early morning, but Veronica didn't care even the slightest bit, all she wanted to do was help Betty forget, to help herself forget even more, and she knew of a way to make that wish become reality because they had already done it once that night.
"Look, I may not be able to take away all of your pain, but I do think I can help some more, even if it's only a little," Veronica spoke softly, hoping Betty would understand that she would never push her into anything she didn't want to do, that right now what they did was entirely in Betty's hands. "But for tonight, if it's what you want, I will help you in any way possible. I will pretend to be whatever, or whoever, you need me to be. I'm here for you, B. Always."
Turning around in Veronica's arms, Betty met her gaze as she inhaled deeply in attempt to control whatever emotion was threatening to overwhelm her in that moment. "No one else, just us. That's what I want."
"Of course, love."
"I don't want anyone else in this world, no matter who it is, mentioned at all," Betty continued, lifting her hands up to caress both sides of Veronica's face, drawing her thumbs over her prominent cheekbones. "Just the two of us."
"Just good ol' B and V," Veronica agreed easily, her lips spreading for a wide smile to form. "I can definitely do that."
"Okay."
It was the last thing spoken - in barely more than a whisper - before Betty leaned down and captured Veronica's lips in a passionate kiss, causing Veronica to immediately forget that a world outside of them existed.
Dear lover
I'm incapable of saving your heart this time
But if you want to
I can pretend to be your hero for just tonight
It had really been meant to be a one-night thing, but one night had turned into two after Veronica had run into Archie at school, and two had become three when Jughead had come begging for Betty back, and somehow - amongst the mess of their emotions - the nights had only continued until their meetings were nearly nightly. Both Archie and Jughead kept trying to find ways back into Veronica and Betty's lives; Archie as simply a friend and Jughead as a returned lover. For the girls, it was all too much, and they only found comfort and restoration in each other, so their newly altered relationship grew as they decided to further pretend that they were the only two in the world.
Veronica stumbled backward into Betty's small room, her hands gripping Betty's neck and her lips devouring a pair that had become familiar to her. The sound of the door closing and the lock clicking urged Veronica to smile as she forced Betty back against her own bedroom door, pressing their bodies together firmly as their tongues traveled the memorized path to reach each other. She slipped her hands underneath Betty's sweater, relishing in the warmth of her skin beneath her hands as they found their way to a full chest, coaxing a moan from Betty.
By now, she knew Betty's body as if she had been given a study packet on everything she likes, and she could have the girl melting from her touch in little more than a minute; the knowledge fueled her desire for Betty and her need for these meetings. She needed this, Betty needed this, it was no longer just a way to ignore and ease the pain, but also the only thing that made either of them feel as though things wouldn't always be as terrifying as they were now.
"Veronica… V, wait…" Betty stumbled through the words breathlessly.
Veronica hummed, letting Betty know she had heard her as she moved her lips to Betty's neck, pulling skin into her mouth and smiling when she felt the vibration that meant she had earned a groan in response.
"Don't you… don't you ever think that maybe this isn't just a way to escape?"
Betty's question took Veronica completely by surprise, causing her to lean back enough to meet Betty's gaze, finding both worry and a spark of hope inside the blue-green she was so drawn to. Not only did the question shock her, but it was also baffling; she couldn't grasp the entirety of the meaning.
"What do you mean?" Veronica asked, lowering her hands to Betty's waist as she waited for an explanation.
"I mean…" Betty chewed on her bottom lip in debate, hesitation influencing her mannerisms. "Don't you ever think that maybe there's more going on between us?"
In hindsight, Veronica should have seen this coming given how emotionally attached Betty tended to get. Her first instinct was to pull away, to stop what they were doing for fear of becoming the one that was causing Betty pain, but as she stared into Betty's eyes she could tell that neither of them wanted this to end, and that made doing the right thing more difficult than it should have been.
There was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to say 'yes', but deep down she knew she couldn't because it wouldn't be the truth, and Betty deserved better than lies to protect her. Sliding her hand to grip Betty's jaw, Veronica leaned into a slow kiss she controlled, letting Betty feel every ounce of emotion coursing through her as the unanswered question swirled through the air around them. Pulling away, Veronica pressed her forehead against Betty's as she took a deep breath, preparing for what might come.
"I really wish there was, Betty," Veronica whispered cautiously, her hand slipping down to Betty's shoulder to find refuge. "I would be lucky to love you like that."
Like Veronica had feared, Betty pulled away and nodded her understanding, tears quickly forming in her eyes as she made her way over to her bed. Veronica turned with Betty's movements, watching as she came to terms with the situation before daring to head over to her. Kneeling down on the floor in front of Betty, Veronica gently placed her hands on the girl's knees comfortingly, offering a small, sad smile when Betty met her gaze.
"You are the one person I trust more than anything," Veronica stated, keeping her voice low and sincere. She slid her hand up Betty's leg until she could grip the girl's hand in her own. "I've never been closer to anyone than I am to you; not friends, not family, not lovers. Not even Archie, B." Moving her head to hold Betty's gaze when she tried to look away, Veronica finished; "Maybe that's good enough."
Despite the obstacle they had reached, Veronica knew that - after tonight - they would only walk away even closer than they had already become during this escapade, and that would be good enough for her. The question was if it would be good enough for Betty. And when Betty nodded, the pressure that had built inside Veronica's chest released, and a smile appeared as she reached up to erase the tears that had fallen.
You've been believing there's more to this feeling
And I swear, I wish there was
But when the moment is over, we'll walk away closer
And maybe that's good enough
"I'm sorry," Betty whispered brokenly.
Veronica shook her head, shifting so that she was kneeling between Betty's legs as she pulled the taller girl into an embrace. "Don't be sorry."
For a while, they simply stayed like that. They were holding each other because it was the only thing that made either of them feel real, and the thought of letting what they had developed go didn't sit well with Veronica - but she would do it if it was what Betty wanted. She didn't want to hurt Betty more than she clearly already had, but she didn't want to hurt herself either, and she knew going back would do exactly that. Pulling away, Veronica decided to find clarification on what they both wanted.
"I never wanted to hurt you, Betty, you know that, right?"
Betty nodded, reaching up to caress both sides of Veronica's face. "You would never hurt me on purpose. I know that, V."
"What do you want to do?" Veronica asked the question she knew they were both wondering about.
But - for the first time - she didn't get a straight answer from Betty.
"I don't know."
Veronica inhaled deeply, completely unsure of what to do. "I'm…. Whatever this is between us, B, I don't want to let it go. I don't want to let you go. But right now, I'm incapable of giving you what you want. I can't love you the way you want me to, not until I figure everything out." It was a struggle to keep her eyes open with the way Betty brushed her thumbs over her jawbone, but she locked herself into Betty's mesmerizing eyes, wanting her to see no doubt that she meant every word she spoke. "But if you still want to, I would love to continue pretending I'm exactly what you need."
"I want you to be my hero, Veronica," Betty spoke softly, her voice raspier than before as she leaned forward to press their foreheads together. "Even if it's not forever."
With a genuine smile, Veronica closed the distance between their lips once again, pushing up until she was laying Betty down on the bed and climbing to hover over her. "I can do that."
Dear lover
I'm incapable of saving your heart this time
But if you want to
I'll pretend to be your hero for just tonight