It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had eliminated the one man who had continued to stand up for me, who had believed in my cause and given me a second chance. The second chance that none but him thought I deserved. And now, I was responsible for his ending.
It hurts. I never thought it wound come to this. I knew the day he greeted me warmly in his office he was planning something big. He knew. The old man knew everything.
"If worse comes to worse, Severus, you know what to do."
I remember how my eyes widened in shock at those words. I knew he meant it, and I was hoping the worst would not present itself.
Well guess what? I'll be damned if the worse did come. The worst led me to the top of the astronomy tower to an extremely weakened Albus. In all my life I have never felt so incredibly sick… and what he said… I can still hear those last words spoken.
"Severus, please…"
Begging me to do what I had promised those long months past. I did not think about it then, but I do now. It haunts my dreams, those last moments. What followed does not comfort. Harry Potter happened to be there. Ah yes, the 'Chosen One'. Even in spite of recent events I cannot help but hate the boy.
And as luck would have have had it, he was the one Member of the Phoenix that saw what happened. And I'm sure it did not look good to the eyes of those did not know, those who still do not know. Which is why it will take a lot of explaining to get the order to trust me again. Wait, why am I saying again? They never even trusted me in the first place.
I need to stop thinking these things… it will be too easy for the Dark Lord to access my mind. I must redirect my thoughts; I must seal my brain… concentrate. I have always been good at Occulamcy. I'm even better at putting fake memories inside my head. Which would explain why I am still alive.
Now, I concentrate on the memory I must rewrite. Dumbledore… I took joy in killing him. The Dark Lord, I did it all for him. I would have killed Harry Potter, too. But my master needs him.
As I work on these memories, I stifle a sob that threatens to give me away.