Shepard was exhausted. Helping Aria T'Loak reclaim her throne on Omega had been about as much of a physical challenge as she'd expected it to be. She hadn't planned on feeling so emotionally drained though.
'Hell,' she thought, 'in this war, everything leaves me emotionally drained. Couldn't we just have a few more missions where I can just blow things up and no one has to go off and be a hero and—' She cut off that train of thought before it got to where she knew it was headed. It had been a few nights since she'd dreamt of the ghosts. Thane. Mordin. Ash. The dreams had been vivid enough to make her anxious to fall asleep every night, afraid they would be waiting for her.
Shepard had managed to change out of her armor when she got back on the Normandy, but she was too tired to even shower. She simply threw on her BDU pants, her boots and her hoodie before shuffling off to starboard observation. Kaidan was right where she expected him to be. He was situated on one of the couches, a mess of datapads scattered around him.
"Shepard, you're back!" He stood to give her a quick kiss before clearing his datapads to make space for her to sit down. "I would have met you in the shuttle bay—I told EDI to tell me when you were on your way—"
"And I told EDI not to bother you." She collapsed on the couch with a huff.
"Shepard. I'm filling out Spectre expense reports. Taking a break to come greet you would hardly count as bothering." Kaidan sat back down next to her.
"Well maybe I just wanted an excuse to come sit here. Without having to send tongues wagging all over the ship." Shepard scooched over closer to him, pulling her legs up under her and settling herself in the crook of his arm.
"Oh it's just the room you want then," he said. "Maybe I should leave the two of you alone."
"Hmm, well it does have a very nice view." Shepard wasn't looking at the observation window. She reached up to cup Kaidan's face and give him a proper kiss. Ever since he'd been back in her life, she loved to just take a moment and breathe him in when she hadn't seen him for a while. Her little trip to Omega had been the longest she'd been away from him since he'd rejoined the Normandy.
"So," Kaidan gave her a quick squeeze before pulling away. "How is our favorite psychopathic crime lord doing?"
"Can we…not talk about the last few days actually?"
"Uh-oh. Did something bad happen?" His eyes softened in concern.
"No. Well—yes. Wow my criteria for what counts as 'bad' has skewed pretty far in the last year. I'll tell you about it later I just—I want to just sit. For a while. You can go back to your exciting paperwork even." She quirked an eyebrow at him. She didn't want him to worry anything was terribly wrong. Shepard really just needed a little time to process everything that had happened recently.
"All right. Whatever you need, Shep." Kaidan reached for the datapad on the top of his stack.
"Thank you." Shepard kissed his cheek before laying her head on his shoulder and taking in the view through the observation window. It really did seem so peaceful from here. And the company didn't hurt.
Shepard usually didn't enjoy these quiet moments. Ever since the war started, they'd been few and far between. She was running a million miles a minute and she liked it that way; she worked best under pressure. Sometimes though, Shepard felt the pressure was getting to the point where she'd break.
The shock from Nyreen's death on Omega still hadn't fully worn off. She felt for Aria; to have a relationship nearly mended and then to have that person snatched away from you—well. She could relate. Shepard absentmindedly placed a hand on Kaidan's knee, thankful for the fact that their story had a happier ending. He gave her hand a quick squeeze.
She missed Mordin. She missed Thane. Hell, she still missed Ashley most days. Most days it felt like she wasn't even fighting for Earth. She was fighting to add as few names to that list as she could.
One of the main reasons Shepard had enlisted on her eighteenth birthday was to be able to see the galaxy. Earth hadn't been as bad for her as she knew it had been for others. But she'd never really felt at home there. She'd never really felt at home anywhere. Until the Normandy. Until Kaidan. It wasn't until the galaxy's most powerful psychopathic crime lord herself had rolled her eyes at Shepard's apparent moonstruck expression that she realized the feeling in the pit of her stomach when she had been thinking of Kaidan was homesickness.
"I love you. You know that right?" Shepard didn't think she'd ever actually said the words to him. She didn't know why. She was pretty sure she felt them even back on the old SR-1. She was pretty damn sure she felt them as soon as she saw him on Horizon. Why hadn't she said it then? It probably wouldn't have changed anything or made him come back with her. Actually, she knew it wouldn't have. She wouldn't love him so much if it had. But she should have said it then.
"I love you too." Kaidan looked up from his datapad and smiled warmly at her, leaning down to kiss her forehead.
Shepard decided this is what she was fighting for. She could say it was for the fate of the galaxy and her homeworld, or to make sure the sacrifices of her friends hadn't been in vain, or to prevent future sacrifices like it. It was for all those things too, but at the end of the day, she was fighting for that warm, safe feeling she got when she was with Kaidan. She had been missing it for so long and now that she had it even the Reapers weren't going to take it away.
"All right, hand me one of those datapads. Time to get back to work."