This story takes place in season 20 but Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist, and Amanda is not pregnant or dating Al Pollack. A special thanks to my friend and fellow writer jeu de mots for taking the time to answer a few questions that I had while writing this story and for coming up with the title. :)
There is some sexual content in this fic so please be aware of that before continuing to read, if it's not your thing.
I wanted to get "Christmas Confessions" completed and posted before the end of the year but that didn't work out, so I will try to get it done as soon as possible. I'm guessing most people aren't going to be too enthusiastic about reading a Christmas story in January, so I'll try not to take too much longer with it. I'm also still working on the second chapter of "Good Girl" and hope to have it posted sooner rather than later.
Happy New Year! :)
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"Stretching out my arms
I let it comfort me
Our bodies moving in the dark
It takes the pain from me."
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The music and conversation are loud and steadily rising in volume as Amanda pushes her way through the crowd of people gathered in her lieutenant's living room, a nearly-empty glass of Merlot clutched in one hand and a decadent brownie balanced in the other. Tired blue eyes scan over various groups of co-workers seated on the couch and milling around the kitchen counter as she tries and fails to find the one person she is looking for, stumbling into Fin and Carisi who are having an animated conversation about video games near the Christmas tree.
"Hey, guys, have you seen Liv?" Amanda questions in a voice raised high enough to be heard above the din, finishing off the remaining wine and leaning down to plunk her glass onto the coffee table that is overflowing with food and drinks.
"Yeah, she stepped outside for a minute," Fin replies with a wave of his hand, motioning toward the door. "Said she needed to get some air."
"Is she okay?" Amanda asks in concern, a frown wrinkling her forehead and thinking it odd that Olivia would choose to leave her own party, especially so close to midnight.
"She seemed fine," Fin answers with a shrug, taking a big gulp of wine from his own glass. "I think she just got a little overheated. It feels like a damn oven in here."
"Well, she certainly packed enough people into her place," Amanda sighs with a roll of her eyes, glad that she had thought to dress a bit lighter than she normally would at this time of year. "I'm pretty sure most of the precinct is here tonight, aside from the poor guys who are stuck working or on-call."
"Yeah, isn't it great?" Carisi gives a giant grin of enthusiasm as Amanda trades a glance with Fin and rolls her eyes again. "I love having so many of us in the same room, getting ready to count down to the new year together. We're like one big happy family."
"Oh yeah, it's fantastic," she responds dryly, nudging her fellow detective with her elbow as she tries to step around his taller form. "Because we don't see these people enough at work, so let's hang out with them during the holidays too, huh? And you know they're only this happy because Liv's apartment is well stocked with booze and everyone is completely wasted."
Carisi's grin grows even wider at this statement and Amanda can't help but laugh as she observes the hazy look in his eyes and the goofy expression on his face, taking notice of the slight swaying of his body as he struggles to keep his balance and stay upright. She might not be having the best time tonight but she is gratified that her colleagues seem to be enjoying themselves, at least. It has been a tough and busy year for all of them and Olivia had recently announced her intentions of throwing a party at her place for New Year's Eve; a way for everyone to let loose and have some fun, taking a much-needed break from the mayhem and horror that they deal with on a daily basis.
Amanda hadn't been too excited at the prospect of spending even more time with the people she sees quite enough of every single week, preferring to celebrate New Year's Eve in her usual fashion of getting drunk at a bar by herself and occasionally going home with someone who catches her eye; either guy or gal, she doesn't care. She had agreed to join everyone at her boss' place, however, in order to be in Olivia's presence; ashamed to admit that the crush she has had on the older woman since moving to New York all those years ago has never gone away but only strengthened over time.
"Okay, I guess I'll catch her on my way out, then, if she's gone outside." Amanda continues speaking as she peers around the corner of the room and tries to spot her jacket in the mess of coats and boots by the front door.
"What? You're leaving?" Carisi sounds absolutely aghast at this notion, a look of horror crossing his inebriated features. "But it's almost midnight! You can't go now."
"Yeah, 'Manda, you might as well stay a little while longer," Fin agrees with a frown of his own, laying a kind hand on her shoulder. "Are you sick or something? And you're not going to catch Liv on your way out unless you're leaving by way of the roof. She went up, not down."
"What's she doing up there?" Amanda asks in confusion, relieved when she spots what appears to be the arm of her jacket sticking out from underneath a pile of coats and scarves and hats on the bench, plucking it free from the heap. "And I'm fine, I'm just getting a headache and would prefer to ring in the new year with a bit of peace and quiet before it gets any worse."
This isn't exactly true; there is only a twinge of pain in her head but it's most likely from all the alcohol she has drank and not because there is an actual headache coming on that she needs to go home and take care of. Amanda is simply feeling the way she always feels at this time of year; lonely even though she is surrounded by people, and figuring it would be better to actually be by herself at midnight rather than remaining in this huge group of colleagues, most of whom she has no real connection with.
She loves both Fin and Carisi like the brothers she never had but there is a vague ache of sadness in her chest that is compelling her to seek out the dark silence of her apartment, eager to curl up in bed and try to forget that the feelings she has for Olivia will most likely never be reciprocated. Amanda despises this time of year, Christmas and New Year's never failing to bring up unpleasant and downright terrible memories from her past, and spending the entire month of December counting the days until January, just waiting for the festive season to be over and done with.
"She goes up there to think sometimes." Amanda turns her attention back to Fin as she shrugs into her coat and begins the process of searching for her boots, realizing that the older man is talking again. "She says it's a lot quieter than going down to the street."
"Well, that's certainly true," Amanda mutters as she kicks a pair of high heels out of the way in the quest to find her boots, choosing not to voice her worry for the other woman. "Although there's probably not too many quiet spots left in New York right now."
Several minutes later, she is on her way up to the roof after finally escaping Carisi's obnoxious energy and assuring Fin one more time that she is indeed okay, breathing in the cold fresh air as she pushes open the door and walks into the clear night. She is greeted with the inky blackness of the sky, the moon and stars standing out starkly in the darkness, and the noise from a nearby celebration reaching her ears as she shoves the last bite of brownie into her mouth.
Amanda's eyes instantly land on the shadowy form of Olivia, the brunette curled up in a lounge chair facing away from the door and the flannel material of a blanket hanging over the sides. She creeps forward and gets a peek at Olivia's profile from the side, silently observing the slumped form of the older woman before announcing her presence, and her worry spiking ever higher at the faraway gaze of her lieutenant.
"Hey, Liv," she says gently, feeling a hint of guilt when Olivia's body gives a noticeable jolt and she turns toward her with an expression of surprise. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to come up here to say goodbye and thank you for inviting me to the party."
"You're leaving already?"
Amanda feels another tinge of guilt, along with some surprise of her own when she hears a note of genuine disappointment in Olivia's voice, and strides across the somewhat icy roof to stand beside the chair. "Yeah, I thought it would be a good idea to head home and get some rest. I'm pretty exhausted."
"But it's almost midnight," Olivia replies softly, echoing what Carisi had just said downstairs and causing Amanda's eyebrows to furrow as she gets a glimpse of that distinct disappointment again. "You're going to miss the best part of the evening."
"Well, so are you, Liv," Amanda points out with a quiet chuckle, gesturing to their surroundings. "You're sitting up here all alone on the freezing cold roof. How can you ring in the new year with everyone when you abandoned your own party to come up here by yourself? Shouldn't you be getting back down there?"
"I'll go back down soon," Olivia whispers with a shrug and a seemingly unconcerned wave of her hand, an unreadable look on her face when they lock eyes with each other. "I just needed a little break from all of the merriment."
"Yeah, I get that," Amanda murmurs as she rests a hand on the back of Olivia's chair, her fingers brushing against silky brown stands of hair and trying to resist the urge to stroke through the thick tresses. "Your place is pretty crazy right now. I've never seen so many drunk co-workers in one spot and it's not a pretty sight." There is a fleeting pause before she makes the decision to forge ahead and find out what's really on Olivia's mind. "But are you sure that's all it is? You just wanted to get some air?"
"Well, what else would it be?" There is a trace of unhappiness in Olivia's tone, an emotion that she recognizes right away and a stark empathy washing over Amanda when it occurs to her that Olivia might be just as lonely as she herself is, even though they have been surrounded by people all evening.
She knows that her boss is in the same boat when it comes to the holidays; that Olivia doesn't usually have anyone to spend the festive season with, and wonders why they have never chosen to see each other outside of work at this time of year. Amanda admits that the thought of spending Christmas and New Year's with Olivia, just the two of them together, has crossed her mind once or twice in the past but she has always discarded the idea, assuming that Olivia would say no, and eventually forgetting about it. She contemplates what it would be like if she had pushed a little harder in that area or if she had even tried at all, considering how nice it would be to share the holidays with a woman who has been the object of her affection for such a long time now.
"I don't know, you tell me," she answers in a low voice, taking the chance and letting her baby finger graze a lock of hair that is the texture of spun silk, feeling a strong need to impart some sort of comfort even though she isn't sure if anything is actually wrong.
Olivia shifts slightly at the barest hint of physical contact between them, and it is obvious that she is aware of the light touch against her hair, Amanda relieved and pleased when she doesn't pull away. "I guess I'm just...sad. I never seem to do very well at this time of year, no matter how hard I try. I thought it would be nice to plan a party with everyone from the precinct, but I just ended up feeling more alone and depressed than I usually do on New Year's Eve."
Amanda is struck mute for several seconds, stunned that Olivia has decided to open up to her about something of a more personal nature, as they don't normally share private matters with one another despite working together for nearly seven and a half years. She has always longed for them to be closer, for their work relationship to eventually evolve into a friendship or perhaps even a romance, but they seem to continually skirt the edges of anything deeper than the cases they are working on, occasionally dipping into territory that might be considered something more but consistently ending up right back at a professional status.
She feels a certain kinship with Olivia in this moment, as if the older woman has reached right into her brain and plucked out the very thing she has been thinking; that it's possible to be surrounded by friends and co-workers and still feel so utterly alone. Instead of answering right away, Amanda deepens her touch by stroking her fingertips ever so slowly through the back of Olivia's hair, gratified when she hears a soft sigh of pleasure sound in return instead of the rejection that she has feared, Olivia settling in closer to her hand rather than yanking her head away.
"I feel the exact same way, you know," Amanda confesses softly, finding herself becoming lost in the hypnotic motion of running her fingers through Olivia's hair and glad that her boss feels comfortable enough to let her do this. "That's the real reason I decided to go home early, even though I lied to Fin and Carisi and told them I have a headache. Sometimes it's just easier to actually be alone than to feel that way when you're with so many other people. It's such an empty feeling."
Olivia is quiet for so long that Amanda wonders if the brunette has been lulled into such a state of relaxation from the hand skimming through her hair that she has drifted off to sleep, shocked when the older woman suddenly holds up a corner of the blanket and asks if she wants to sit down on the chair with her. After a brief hesitation, Amanda steps carefully over the ice and eases herself down onto the seat in front of Olivia, her cheeks burning with a fiery blush and an abrupt spark of arousal thrumming through her system when she realizes that Olivia's legs have spread out to either side of the chair beneath the blanket and are dangling over the edge in order to create enough space for her.
She holds herself very stiffly on the bottom half of the chair, studiously ignoring the desire to lean back against Olivia's chest and allow her body to be cushioned between her lieutenant's shapely thighs. Amanda's heart has started up an uneven rhythm inside her chest and a sheen of sweat has broken out across her forehead in spite of the chilly air, trying to stop her mind from wandering in a direction that is definitely not of the friendship variety and is quickly veering into something much more X-rated.
She mentally chastises herself for having such erotic thoughts about her boss when Olivia is clearly feeling just as broken and beaten down with life as she herself is, clearing her throat roughly and raking her hands back through her hair as she scrambles for something to say. Olivia saves her the embarrassment of trying to stumble her way through this conversation by being the one to speak up first, the concern and sadness in the older woman's voice causing an indefinable longing in Amanda's chest, unsure if it's something of a sexual nature that she wants from Olivia or if she simply needs to be held.
"I'm sorry you feel the same way," Olivia says quietly, a quiver racing down Amanda's spine when she feels a gentle hand grazing her arm. "And you're right about it being such an empty feeling. Sometimes it's easier for me to do the same thing; to be physically alone instead of emotionally alone when I'm with so many people. Although I do feel bad that I had to make an escape from my own party to come up here for some time to myself."
They share a short chuckle at this comment as Amanda moves discreetly in Olivia's direction, trying to find a more comfortable position on a chair that is definitely not meant to accommodate two people at the same time. She drapes part of the blanket over her lap and keeps her gaze averted, desperately hoping that Olivia won't notice the blush on her face or the lust in her eyes, not wanting the other woman to take offense and decide that Amanda can't share the chair with her anymore.
Her concerns prove unfounded when Olivia stuns her yet again by remarking on how cold it is up on the roof and how lightly Amanda is dressed, apparently mistaking her intense shivering for being chilled by the winter weather, encouraging her to move higher on the chair and snuggle in closer for warmth. Amanda bites down on her bottom lip when she sees that Olivia is patting the space between her legs in invitation, the older woman inclining her head back in a wordless appeal to cuddle up against her, and Amanda blows out a breath that she didn't know she was holding, her thoughts whirling frantically.
"Sorry," Olivia mumbles in an uncharacteristically insecure way as she seems to sense her detective's uncertainty with the situation, pausing in her efforts to rearrange the blanket around them as Amanda begins to move slightly upwards. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or say anything inappropriate. You just looked so cold over there and we're both feeling lonely and sad, and I just thought..."
"It's okay, Liv, you didn't make me uncomfortable," Amanda whispers in assurance, refraining from correcting Olivia and informing her that the shaking of her body has nothing to do with the low temperature.
Instead of speaking any further, she slowly turns around and scoots backward into Olivia's curvy figure, the subtle scent of expensive perfume rising up around her as she broaches the other woman's personal space. Amanda's heart feels as if it's about to burst right from her rib cage with the force it is pounding with as she settles her smaller frame against Olivia's chest, very aware of the voluptuous breasts that are pressing into her back and the toned thighs that are cradling her own.
She has consumed quite a bit of alcohol over the past few hours in an effort to make it through the celebratory evening with her colleagues, but Amanda doesn't feel the least bit drunk and she doesn't think that Olivia is either, the cold air sharpening her senses and causing any lingering fuzziness to disappear entirely. Their strange behavior cannot simply be brushed off as the after-effects of copious amounts of booze, and as Amanda delights in the exquisite sensation of Olivia's arms sliding around her waist and tightening their hold on her beneath the blanket, she thinks that this is what comes from isolating themselves for far too long and not allowing any kind of physical or emotional connection to develop with anyone else.
"I know this is weird," Olivia murmurs into her ear, the brunette's warm breath on her neck causing goosebumps to appear in a large swath along Amanda's skin, stifling a sigh of pleasure when she feels long fingers brushing tentatively through the golden waves of hair resting on her shoulders. "I know I'm your boss and we shouldn't be doing this-"
"It is weird, Liv." Amanda hastily cuts her off, attempting to discourage Olivia's impending tirade of what is considered appropriate behavior between a lieutenant and detective, not wanting her to conclude that this is wrong and they shouldn't continue. "But weird doesn't have to equal bad, does it? Sometimes weird can be a good thing."
A smile stretches across her face as a faint chuckle sounds in her ear, Amanda relaxing her stiff posture and reclining further into Olivia's embrace when she feels the loosening of the taller woman's limbs, each of them melting gradually into the other. They are silent for a few minutes, just reveling in the odd but incredible feeling of being wrapped around another human being on a night that is generally reserved for bleak loneliness and unwanted memories, Amanda so thankful that she had chosen to seek Olivia out to say goodbye before leaving the party.
Thoughts of fleeing the older woman's apartment building are rapidly dwindling to a halt as Amanda entwines her fingers with Olivia's, a streak of boldness overcoming her as she raises their joined hands to her lips and places a soft kiss on the chilled digits. She hears a slight hiss from behind her, a thrill running through her body and a gasp escaping her mouth when an answering kiss is pressed into the heated skin of her neck, Amanda's head falling backward to loll on Olivia's shoulder.
She turns her face to the side and meets the older woman's intent gaze, Olivia's stare seeming to burrow a hole right into her soul and her eyelids fluttering closed as their lips hover mere inches from one another before melding together in a searing kiss. Amanda quickly becomes lost in the woman pressed so intimately against her, sliding a hand up to cup Olivia's cheek and stroke gently along her jaw, moaning into her mouth when Olivia obviously finds some boldness of her own and brushes her fingers ever so lightly over her breasts.
What had started out as a gesture of comfort to assuage the sorrow that is enveloping both of them as securely as the blanket they are swaddled in, is now swiftly turning into something else altogether, and Amanda is ravenous with lust and desire for Olivia, removing her hand from the lieutenant's face to unzip the jacket she had pulled on before coming outside. She takes ahold of Olivia's fingers and guides them inward to rest on the silken red sleeveless shirt she is wearing, pleased when Olivia responds to the gesture right away and begins trailing her fingertips over the smooth material, tracing languid circles against Amanda's stomach.
"Mmm, that feels so good, Liv," she pants softly, arching into Olivia's touch and eager to have those fingers on her bare skin.
"It's not too much?" The other woman is nearly breathless when she speaks and sounds just as aroused as Amanda herself is.
"Too much? God, no. It's not enough." The words fall from her lips before she can stop them, years of pent-up feelings and frustration rising steadily to the surface and ready to come bursting out in an explosion of passion, Amanda highly tempted to just whirl around in Olivia's embrace to straddle her lap and devour her. "Please, Liv, I need more."
Her eyes are clenched tightly shut and she grinds her teeth against the inside of her cheek to stop the loud groan that is poised on the tip of her tongue and ready to be let loose, although the rising noise from the nearby rooftop celebration will likely drown her out as the clock ticks closer to midnight. Amanda prays that Fin or Carisi or another one of her co-workers don't suddenly decide to come looking for them as 2018 draws to a close, squirming with delight in Olivia's arms when the older woman's hand drifts down her abdomen to slip between her legs, rubbing gently against the damp material of her dress pants.
She is soaked and shuddering as Olivia deepens her touch, Amanda hardly able to grasp onto the fact that this is actually happening and is not some alcohol-induced dream she is having alone in her bed at home. "Ahhh, fuck," she chokes out through ragged inhales and exhales of air as Olivia's fingers dance back and forth along the waistband of her pants before slipping slowly beneath the garment and encountering the drenched fabric of her underwear.
"Jesus," Olivia breathes as her hand stills momentarily, seemingly astonished at how wet Amanda is and having a hard time getting her words out. "Are you sure about this...is this okay?"
"Yes," Amanda whimpers as her own hand moves down to briefly cover Olivia's, feeling the trembling that has taken up residence in the other woman's limbs and giving a tender squeeze. "It's more than okay. Please keep going, Liv."
The brunette doesn't respond right away, the taller form rigid and immobile behind Amanda, and for a moment she wonders if they really have gone too far; if their combined desperation and need and loneliness has driven them to engage in this abruptly intimate behavior that they will ultimately end up regretting. Amanda holds her breath as she waits to see what Olivia will do, her heart hammering in her chest and her clothing plastered to her body with sweat, turning her head slightly to plant another soft kiss on the side of Olivia's neck.
She listens to the barely audible sigh of pleasure that sounds in return and then Olivia's fingers are moving again, Amanda unable to hold in the loud moan this time as they are connected skin to skin, Olivia's hand dipping into her panties. Her legs fall open against Olivia's spread thighs, a string of expletives and breathy cries pouring from her parted lips as Olivia cups her briefly with her palm before her fingers are caressing through slick folds and a thumb is circling Amanda's hardened clit.
"Mmm, Liv, yes!" The immense amount of pleasure that is engulfing Amanda's body heightens to pure ecstasy when a finger slips snugly inside of her, followed swiftly by another, and they begin a quick rhythm of thrusts and counter-thrusts, bodies rocking into each other with wild abandon.
She becomes aware of a faint chanting and realizes that the crowd next door is counting down the remaining seconds to midnight, the noise level rising to an absolute frenzy as everyone gets ready to welcome the new year, relieved that they are completely hidden from sight as she barrels straight into a mind-blowing orgasm. An array of fireworks explode in the distance, the sky lighting up with bursts of vivid color, and Amanda would have laughed at the ridiculously perfect timing of it all if she wasn't speeding into a second orgasm right on the heels of the first, with a third one following in quick succession as Olivia's fingers continue to work their magic between her legs.
She reaches up to wrap a hand around the back of Olivia's neck and yank her head down for a kiss that is both feverish and sloppy, that passion still igniting a flame within her but her body beginning to feel limp in the aftermath of such intensity. She is a quivering mess of emotion in Olivia's embrace, the older woman's tongue slipping into her mouth as their kiss becomes more heated, Amanda overwhelmed by the sheer force of her feelings for the brunette and wanting nothing more than to reciprocate the pleasure that Olivia has just given her.
"I should probably get back downstairs," her boss whispers regretfully when they finally pull away from each other long enough to rest their foreheads together and catch their breath, Amanda groaning at the loss of the slender fingers tucked inside of her when Olivia eases her hand out of her pants.
"Do you really want to go hang out with Fin and Carisi right now?" Amanda teases softly even though she knows Olivia is right; that midnight has come and gone and it presumably won't be long before everyone starts wondering why the host of the party has disappeared.
"No, definitely not, but they know I came up here so they might come looking for me," Olivia chuckles in response, Amanda humming slightly when she feels a lock of hair being tucked tenderly behind one ear, detecting a shift in the mood from lighthearted to serious as Olivia speaks again. "Are you okay with what just happened between us? I honestly wasn't expecting things to go so far. I know this is a painful time of year for both of us and we wanted a distraction, but I think we have a lot to talk about..."
"Liv, I'm fine," Amanda assures her, interrupting the rambling to turn around on the chair so that she and Olivia are sitting eye to eye now, reaching down to clasp the other woman's hands in her own. "I'm amazing, actually. And the only thing I'm not okay with is going back down to the chaos in your apartment before I've had a chance to..."
She trails off and decides to let her actions speak for themselves, slowly running a hand over the front of Olivia's winter coat and pausing to stroke her fingers around full breasts, feeling a stab of guilt as a needy moan emits from Olivia's throat. Amanda knows that she shouldn't be trying to get the older woman all worked up again when time is of the essence here and they likely only have a few more minutes before their colleagues are joining them on the roof, but she intends to convey how just much she wants this to continue.
"Well, maybe you'll get a chance later on tonight, if you want to stay over," Olivia replies quietly, Amanda's heart giving a happy leap as she leans forward and their lips meet in another quick kiss. "We can tell everyone you're going to hang around for a little while to help me clean up."
"That sounds like a plan," Amanda answers with a smile, looping her arms around Olivia's neck to steady herself as the anticipation and excitement of what is to come nearly unseats her from the chair. "Thanks again for inviting me to your New Year's celebration, Liv. I think this was my favorite party ever. And I guess we didn't miss the best part of the evening, after all."
They lace their fingers together and grin at each other as they begin getting to their feet, the previously empty look in Olivia's eyes replaced with a spark of light, and Amanda overcome with joy at such a wonderful and unexpected start to the new year.
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*Song lyrics from Florence and the Machine's "Pure Feeling"