Disclaimer: I do not own any of the historical characters in Victoria nor do I own the TV series which was written by Daisy Goodwin. Any lines from the show are also not mine and are just borrowed from Daisy Goodwin and ITV Victoria.
Lyrics at the beginning and the end of the story come from the song The Perfect Year by Dina Carroll
It's New Year's Eve, and hopes are high
Dance one year in, kiss one goodbye
Another chance, another start
So many dreams to tease the heart
The Perfect Year – Dina Carroll
Victoria was in high spirits.
The autumn day had been unusually warm and she had managed a long ride, made even better by the fact that Lord Melbourne had been able to join her. Lord Alfred and Harriet had attended her, but they had followed at a discrete distance to allow Victoria some private conversation with her Prime Minister.
They had, it must be admitted, not spoken much about matters of state, indulging instead in exchanging some court gossip before going on to discuss a few of the books Victoria had been reading, which Lord Melbourne had recommended to her.
It never really mattered what she talked about with Lord Melbourne. Every conversation was interesting and amusing, every smile of his made her feel warm and happy. There was no one else she felt more comfortable around, not even dear Lehzen.
The wind eventually drove them back inside, where the two of them made quick work of her boxes, which thankfully contained nothing of much complexity (a pleasant and rare occurrence).
They were enjoying tea now and being amused by Dash's antics as he scampered around the room in search of the ear scratches and belly rubs that both she and her Prime Minister were happy to give him.
Victoria's attention, however, was currently engrossed by Lord Melbourne. At the beginning of her reign he had been more formal in her presence, but now, with more than a year gone by and their friendship so strong, she always insisted he be comfortable when there was no one around who might disapprove. So he lounged back in his seat, his cravat untied due to the heat and his jacket discarded.
Lehzen would be absolutely scandalised if she saw Lord Melbourne now, and especially if she realised just how intently Victoria watched her Prime Minister.
She knew, of course, that he was decades her senior, and yet when they were together she never really noticed it. He was more handsome, witty and clever than any other man she knew, despite the grey peppering his hair. And if he did occasionally fall asleep while they were all in the drawing room after dinner, well that didn't mean anything apart from the fact that the conversation always seemed a little duller.
"Have you decided on whether you will host a New Year's Eve Ball, Ma'am?" Lord M's voice cut through Victoria's musings and she tilted her head to the side as she thought about his question.
"It would be lovely to have a Ball," she said, "do you think it a wise idea, Lord M?"
"I believe it would be a very lively occasion, Ma'am, and you do love to dance."
She nodded, but the image in her head was a more specific one than he would probably expect. She could see herself whirling around the beautifully decorated ballroom all night … but there was only one partner she wished to dance with.
And she was looking right at him.
"I will send the invitations out this week," she told him decisively, "will you come, Lord M? I am sure I will not enjoy myself if you cannot attend."
"I am spending Christmas with my sister Emily and her family," he said, "but I have no plans for New Year's Eve and would be delighted to be your guest at the Ball.
Victoria beamed at him, unable and unwilling to hide her happiness, "I will save you a dance, Lord M. I wish I could save you a dozen, for you are far more pleasant company than my cousin George and his friends, but I know you would tell me it is not a sensible idea."
"Indeed, Ma'am," he agreed calmly, though she thought she could see the hint of a smile on his face.
A party, dancing, delicious food and Lord M.
Victoria thought New Year's Eve was going to be wonderful.
Autumn soon turned into winter, and though the cold meant their rides were less frequent, Victoria found there was just as much joy to be found in sitting snugly by a roaring fire while Lord Melbourne entertained her with his amusing stories.
Planning for the ball was nearly complete by the time they reached the start of December, and Victoria found her attention engrossed by decorating Buckingham Palace for Christmas.
"Very tasteful and festive, Ma'am," Lord Melbourne said to her one frosty morning, "I find so many of my acquaintances' homes look a little too gaudy at this time of year, but you have managed it all beautifully."
"Oh, do you really think so, Lord M. Mama wanted more trees, as they have in Germany, but I thought it would perhaps be a little too much."
"Quite perfect as it is," he agreed, "you have an excellent eye for this sort of thing."
"Dear Lord M," she said, taking his hands and squeezing them affectionately, "you always know exactly what to say."
She looked up at him as she smiled, trying not to be distracted by the fact that his thumbs were absentmindedly tracing circles on her hand.
His eyes caught hers and they were both frozen for a few seconds in a moment that was just between them, a brief stillness where nothing existed in the world except for the two of them.
Was now the time to confess to her dearest friend how deeply she admired him, how much she craved his company … how much she loved him?
For it must be love, she thought. No one else could make her feel as giddy and warm and cherished as he did.
But before she could find the words that would perfectly convey her feelings, she heard the sound of voices outside the door.
The moment was gone, the silence broken, the tableau spoiled.
Lord Melbourne stepped back as he too heard the noise. It seemed to Victoria that his expression became more shuttered too, as if the distance between them now was not just physical, but emotional too.
She wondered if he knew what she had just been about to confess, and whether he wished to dissuade her from it. That would be just like him, she thought despairingly. Noble to a fault and determined to protect her.
If only she knew how he felt about her, though. So often she imagined that he looked at her with love in his eyes, that he had a certain smile just for her, and that he was always sorry to leave. However, she never knew if it was all wishful thinking. She was not, after all, schooled in the ways of romance, and this was not the sort of thing she wished to discuss with her ladies.
Lord Melbourne was talking now, about papers and signatures and her upcoming visit to unveil a memorial.
She did not hear him, though, her mind far away from thoughts of visits and parliamentary business.
She couldn't speak now, but something inside her had shifted and she knew that she had to tell him how she felt or one day it would burst out of her unexpectedly.
New Year, she said to herself, New Year's Eve will be my moment.
"Ma'am … Ma'am … are you alright?"
Victoria turned sharply at the sound of Lord Melbourne's worried voice.
"Oh yes, Lord M," she told him, plastering what she hoped was a convincing grin onto her face, "I was thinking about the New Year's Eve Ball – I am very much looking forward to it."
"It will be a marvellous evening, Ma'am, I am sure of it."
Yes, she thought as she turned her attention back to the state papers, it will be magical indeed.
"Are you quite well, Ma'am?" asked Emma Portman as Victoria paced up and down the room.
Her New Year's Eve Ball would begin in just under an hour and her stomach was absolutely full of butterflies.
She had constantly considered whether this evening would be the best moment to talk with Lord Melbourne, to tell him that he was the only man she could ever imagine spending the rest of her life with.
He would protest, of course, would probably give countless reasons why their union was not a sensible idea.
But Victoria did not want to be sensible anymore. She just wanted to know that she would have a husband who would always be there for her, who would support her and love her and see her as a woman rather than a Queen.
She just never thought it would be this difficult to tell him.
They spent hours together every day, often alone, and yet she had never even managed to bring the topic up so that she might get a hint of Lord Melbourne's inclinations.
They spoke of nearly every topic under the sun. Lord Melbourne probably knew more about her deepest thoughts than any other person.
And she had been so happy before, when he was simply her most beloved friend and trusted Prime Minister.
Ever since she began to realise what he feelings for him truly were, though, she found herself restless, desirous of more.
She wanted to know what it was like to be kissed …
To be kissed by him.
"He will come soon," she said to herself, "certainly he will not miss it."
She saw Emma and Harriet exchange glances, clearly aware of who she was speaking of, before smiling at her reassuringly.
"William has spoken often of the ball, and I am sure he would not dream of missing it," Emma promised her, "no doubt he will be at his papers a little too late, though it is New Year's Eve – he has the oddest working habits – but he will be here, Ma'am."
"Yes, of course," Victoria replied absentmindedly, "of course Lord M would never break his word."
"He is a man of great integrity," Harriet agreed.
Victoria nodded, "yes, yes, all will be well."
She looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her dress flattered her figure and it was one Lord Melbourne had previously admired. She didn't look as pale and shaky as she felt, but she pinched her cheeks quickly just to make sure she had some colour in her complexion.
"You look beautiful, Ma'am," Skerrett told her as she came into the room with a package in her arms, "and these flowers have just come from Lord Melbourne – would you like to wear some, perhaps here on your dress," she gestured to a spot close to Victoria's heart.
"Yes, an excellent suggestion, Skerrett," Victoria said, "Lord M always sends the most beautiful bouquets."
She stayed silent as Skerrett artistically pinned a number of the blooms to her dress.
Lord Melbourne regularly sent her flowers, but this time felt different, probably because of the question she hoped she would be able to ask later in the evening.
"All finished, Ma'am," Skerrett said after a few minutes had passed.
Victoria looked again at the mirror and beamed, pleased with what she saw.
"You look radiant, Ma'am," Harriet complimented her, "the flowers really do complete things very nicely."
Victoria nodded along in agreement, but she knew the truth.
It wasn't the flowers that made her look like this, it was love for the man who had sent them to her.
Victoria twirled around the ballroom for what seemed like hours.
She danced with a visiting prince, then an earl, her cousin George and a Duke. Faces blurred as she kept only half her attention on dancing, the other half constantly searching the room for the one face she wanted to see most of all.
He promised he would come, she said to herself, and Lord M would not break his promise.
By the time she found a few moments to sit down, it was nearly eleven o'clock and still she had not seen Lord Melbourne.
She was sure he could not still be working, although she did admit it would not be out of character for him to become so engrossed in a book that he completely forgot the time.
But no, he would not do that, not tonight.
She sighed as she saw her cousin George begin to move towards her, clearly planning on seeking a second dance. She looked around to see if she there was an easy escape route she could use, to enable her to avoid wasting more time while George tried to integrate himself with her in clear pursuit of some new honour that would offer him further prestige and revenue.
Suddenly, before she could even stand, there was a familiar hand outstretched before her. She looked up and, to her great relief and joy, saw Lord Melbourne's welcome face.
"I believe I promised you a dance, Ma'am, and it would be most remiss of me to forget my duties."
Victoria put her hand into his immediately, grinning a little when she saw George's expression shift to one of annoyance as he stopped suddenly halfway across the room, "you have impeccable timing, Lord M, and have just saved me from a dreadfully dull time with my cousin George."
"Is he really that bad?" asked Lord Melbourne with an amused tilt to his mouth.
Victoria frowned, "he tries to appear friendly, but he just seeks power, under the guidance of my odious uncle Cumberland. He wants to dance with a queen, not with me."
"Then he is more of a fool than I suspected," Lord Melbourne told her, looking more serious now.
He was always so kind and concerned, always her biggest supporter.
As they danced she had eyes for no one else.
Lord Melbourne held her like she was the most precious thing in the world and his conversation seemed even more sparkling than usual. She was forced to moderate her laughter half a dozen times to ensure she would not attract the curious glances of her other guests. As it was, she could see Emma, Harriet and Lord Alfred in a corner together, looking knowingly at her.
Her cheeks flushed a little, but she could not feel too much embarrassment, not when it came to her feelings for Lord Melbourne.
They danced and they talked and they laughed, as happy and at ease as they usually were together.
And then, just as the dance was coming to a close, Victoria took a deep breath and spoke, "I … I have something I wish to discuss in private, Lord M."
"On New Year's Eve, Ma'am? You ought not to be working today."
She shook her head, "it is a … a private matter, one that has been on my mind for some time now."
He looked concerned now, "of course, Ma'am, if it would assuage any distress."
"Thank you, Lord M. Perhaps I should meet you in the blue drawing room at quarter to midnight?"
He nodded, "of course, Ma'am," before he bowed and led her to the side of the room, "I shall see you soon."
Victoria looked at the clock.
Twenty minutes until she would meet him, until she would finally voice out loud everything she had kept inside her heart.
She could do this.
"Are you well, Ma'am?" asked Lord Melbourne as he stepped into the room, clearly noting the way she twisted her hands together, the nerves getting the best of her.
"Quite well, Lord M," she reassured him, "only a little nervous."
He raised one quizzical eyebrow but said nothing.
"I find I must be frank," she told him, "ever since the day we met, Lord M, you have been … invaluable to me. At first I thought I cared for you as a daughter would her father, but I was mistaken, for I did not understand what I felt."
"Ma'am?" he questioned her, beginning to look the slightest bit alarmed.
"I find that I feel … I know, that you are the only companion I could ever desire, the only one I want to share my life with. You have my heart, Lord M, and I would … I would be honoured if you would consent to be my husband."
Lord Melbourne's eyes widened, "Ma'am, I … you must know I cannot, it would never be permitted."
"I will make them permit it," Victoria insisted, "if almost everything in my life must be a matter of state then I will at least not let them take this choice from me."
"It would not be wise, Ma'am, to suggest such a thing to …"
"Please, Lord M," she interrupted him, "I just wish for you to be honest with me, to tell me if my feelings have any hope of return.
Lord Melbourne said nothing for a few seconds, and then his hands cupped Victoria's cheeks gently.
"William," she said softly, "please."
"Victoria," his words were barely a whisper, "oh darling girl, you must know that I feel as you do. But how can I let you tie yourself to an old man like me? You deserve so much better."
"I want you," she insisted, "more than anyone, more than anything. I just want us to be happy."
He smiled at her, a single tear glistening at the corner of one of his eyes, "it will not be an easy road, not at all."
She grinned back at him, "I do not care. Everything I need is right here in front of me. If you are with me then tonight … next year … my whole life … it will all be perfect."
He took a breath, "then, Victoria, dearest darling … may I kiss you."
She had barely begun to nod before he stooped down and pressed his lips against hers.
It was tentative at first, but soon Victoria found herself gripping his head and pulling him closer.
Nothing compared to this, to what seemed like a culmination of everything she felt for her Lord M.
Her whole body tingled with the power of this one, beautiful kiss.
"I love you," she murmured against his lips, "I love you, I love you, I love you."
He pulled her closer, looked at her with so much emotion in his eyes that she didn't need words from him because his expression said it all.
In the background, she could hear the bells chiming and the applause coming from the ballroom as everyone celebrated the New Year.
And in a secluded room, wrapped in the arms of the man she loved, Victoria knew the coming year would be the best yet.
I don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything I need is here, if you're with me
Next year will be the perfect year
The Perfect Year – Dina Carroll
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.
Also, for all Rufus Sewell fans who haven't yet seen it – he guest-starred on The Marvelous Mrs Maisel and I found a compilation of his scenes here – post/180849635232/anditendshowyoudexpect-dont-you-just-love