Five for One Deal
i did that annoying thing where i put loads of smaller boxes inside one big box and you're getting really mad but you don't know that the ring is in the smallest box and i can't wait to see your face (christmas au)
basically inspired by tumblr
AU of Jabberwocky
"I don't think that's a good idea, Dean." Sam said, sipping at a beer from the relative safety of the couch. Dean, surrounded by wrapping paper and several boxes, ignored him as he slapped on a piece of tape onto the present. He then stuck it into a slightly bigger box. "She's gonna kill you."
"This is revenge." Dean said, closing the box. He measured out the wrapping paper and grabbed the scissors. "She shouldn't have put glitter in my shampoo." He started to wrap the box.
"Dean, that was six months ago. You put butter in all of her shoes. I helped you put butter in all of her shoes." Sam said, and chugged the rest of his beer. He put the empty can aside. "Your revenge has already been had."
Dean waited until he had finished wrapping the box to reply to Sam. "She tastelessly repeated the prank, Sam." Dean complained, and put the finished product in another box. He selected the brightest pink wrapping paper they had and set off to wrap that box. "That is unforgivable." He paused halfway through wrapping the box, cocking his head to the side. "Think it needs another layer?"
"There's already five layers," Sam said, "Adding anymore would result in Ritka throwing the entire thing at you."
Dean considered this sentiment, before shrugging and finishing wrapping the present. He scrawled out Ritka's name on it using a nearby sharpie, and stuck it under the tree. It was easily the biggest box, and had to be on the outer ring of presents. "See you tomorrow, Sam?" Dean asked, examining the tree before standing up and starting to pick everything up.
Sam stood and started to help him, leaning the tubes of wrapping paper against the wall to be put away later. There was at least five of them, all of them halfway gone. For some reason, there was one that repeatedly stated Happy Birthday with little winged dicks. Sam had an inkling that Dean had received that design from one of the Deus siblings, who each had a terrible sense of humor. Gabriel was probably the worst of the lot, but Michael was a close second and Dean had probably gotten the wrapping paper from him.
"Yeah," Sam said. "Where's Ritka?" He adjusted the pile until his and Jess's were on top.
"Stalking someone." Dean said, "Some angry wife paid her two grand to follow her husband around and take pictures of any women he went home with. She's probably going to get another grand out of the lady before the divorce."
Sam snickered. "When she due back?"
Dean checked his watch. "Not for another hour. How's Jess?"
"Fine," Sam said. "She's looking forward to meeting you two again."
The living room was pristine in a matter of minutes, and Dean walked Sam out before locking the door behind him. He then grinned to himself, and moved towards the kitchen to make dinner.
Christmas at the Anderson-Winchester household was a loud affair, with Dean having to forcibly separate Ritka from the coffee pot and going back to do the exact same thing with Charlie. Charlie was still sore with Ritka about her accidentally breaking Charlie's xbox the last time she was over, and even the prompt replacement didn't stop Charlie's dark mutterings about "vengeance for Xander." But as Charlie had nothing on Ritka that Ritka wouldn't happily tell to anyone and everyone, the dark mutterings stayed dark mutterings. Charlie did drink the last of the coffee, and Ritka's yell of despair had Charlie cracking up and nearly falling off the couch.
Gabriel had stopped by briefly to drop off presents from himself and his brothers, and Ritka vanished into the study when Dean invited him in. Gabriel had declined and left. Sam and Jess had arrived shortly afterward, empty handed. Crowley and Balthazar followed them in, both of them carrying presents. With Ritka still sulking in the study, Castiel had announced his arrival with a polite knock before unlocking the door, and Pamela following him in. Pam was smirking. Both of them had presents.
When they got to the living room, it was to Crowley and Ritka fighting in the study, and everyone else shamelessly listening in.
"Why the fuck should I?" Ritka loudly demanded.
"You know damn well why!" Crowley yelled back. "It's pretty bloody obvious when I have a family refuse to work with me because of you!"
"It's his fucking fault in the first place if he wants to play daddy! I'm twenty-five years old!" Ritka shouted, and noticed the open door. "You can just fuck right off." She snarled, and yanked open the study door. She dragged Dean away by the ear.
She noticed Pam, and smiled, releasing Dean's abused ear. "Pam! It's good to see you!"
"Been awhile, hasn't it?" The other woman asked. She hugged Ritka, who returned the hug gleefully. "Last I saw you, we were scamming tourists in Pittsburg."
"Fun times," Ritka said. She moved so Dean could exchange a hug with Castiel.
"You've met Cas, right Ritz?" Dean asked, "I met him when I was on tour- he's a great guy to have at your back."
"Yeah," Ritka admitted. "It's been a while though. Hey Cas."
"Hello, Ritka." Cas said rather stiffly, and they exchanged a handshake.
Once everyone had some sort of beverage in hand and had made themselves comfortable, Balthazar passed around presents. Crowley and him had gotten everyone expensive alcohol, and both Ritka and Castiel had received lacy panties. Ritka had used hers as a slingshot at a smugly grinning Crowley, and Castiel had made his vanish before anyone could comment. Balthazar would later find the pair tucked in his back pocket.
Everyone else had mostly tasteful gifts, though Sam glared when he unwrapped a woman's shampoo bottle.
Then, Ritka had gotten Dean's present.
"Dude," she said, turning the box around, "What is this?"
"Unwrap it," Cas suggested.
"No shit dude," Ritka muttered, and tore open the box, only to find another box inside. Puzzled, she unwrapped that one, one to find another box inside. "Dude." She said, a tense note in her voice.
Dean smirked.
Ritka unwrapped the box. Only to find another box inside of that. She threw the smallest at Dean, who ducked and had it nail Jess squarely in the middle of her forehead. "Sorry," Ritka said weakly.
Jess shrugged. "It's fine."
Inside the smallest so far's box, only to find a tiny bag inside. "You're a piece of shit, Dean," Ritka bitched, shoving the box off her lap and examining the bag. She took out the tissue paper, only to freeze. "Um."
"Ritka," Dean said, and everyone fell abjectly silent, "Will you marry me?"
"You fucking asshole," Ritka said,and tackled him off the couch to kiss him soundly. "Yes, you moron!"
"That bastard showed me up." Crowley complained, and yelped when Castiel hit him upside the head.