Catacombs and Kunoichi

A Naruto crackfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

Rating: T+, for mature/immature language

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Team 7, Itachi; [N/A]

Summary: A parody set in the world of a tabletop RPG where Sasuke is an egocentric munchkin, Naruto is an overzealous roleplayer, and Itachi is the GM who has to put up with their antics.

"Okay, so what's the setting for this one, again?"

"Ninjas. Elemental magic and demons. That kind of stuff."

"Ah, right. Cool."

Our story begins twelve years ago, with the attack of the nine-tailed demon fox on the Village Hidden in the Leaves. It was a great and terrible beast, ancient beyond mortal reckoning. So immense was its power that, with a mere flick of a tail, it could level mountains and generate tsunamis.

But for the heroism of the village's leader – the Fourth Hokage – the Nine-Tails would have destroyed the Hidden Leaf. He sacrificed his own life to seal the demon away, trapping its life-force in the body of a newborn infant.

This infant was named Naruto Uzumaki.

"Wait, Nick gets a demon sealed inside him? Dude, no fair! I want a demon too!"

"Sean, you're already the last surviving member of an uberpowered clan of super-genius ninja with magic eyes capable of seeing through illusions and copying any spell they see."

"Yeah? And your point is?"

AHEM.

The backstory, guys? Mind paying attention? I put a lot of effort into this.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"Meh. Whatever."

Anyway, as I was saying, Naruto was ostracized by the village as he grew up. Despite never knowing the reason for his pariah status, he strove constantly to be acknowledged by those around him, ultimately resorting to pranks and misbehavior so that he would at least—

"Laaaaame. Why's the backstory all about Nick? What about MY character's tragic past?"

"Since when did you care about roleplaying, Sean?"

"Who said anything about roleplaying? Your character's just a lame misunderstood orphan. That shit's boring as hell."

"Right. And your character is SOOO much more interesting."

"Damn right, bitch. He's a grade-A original badass."

Hmph.

Fine, whatever.

There was also a boy named Sasuke Uchiha, who was the last surviving member of the ancient and powerful Uchiha clan. Once a founding family of the Leaf Village, all members but Sasuke were killed when his stronger, cooler, and much more handsome older brother Itachi snapped and killed them all for repeatedly interrupting the exposition he spent weeks carefully crafting.

Sasuke declared that he would take revenge on his brother and restore his clan no matter the cost.

"Hey, Isaac. About that."

Hm? Yeah?

"Do I get to take his stuff when I kill him?"

... ... ... What?

"My character's brother. Do I get to take his stuff when I kill him?"

...I am not even going to dignify that with a response.

Anyway, Sasuke's cookie-cutter backstory aside, Naruto attended the ninja academy of the Hidden Leaf, where he struggled with even the most basic of ninja arts, despite vowing that he would gain the recognition of the entire village and become a Hokage to surpass all who came before him.

In spite of many hardships, he ultimately manages to pass the final exam after learning the art of shadow doppelgängers from the village's scroll of forbidden seals, during a certain incident in which he learned part of the truth behind his existence.

"Ahem."

...and Sasuke also happened to be the top of his class in virtually every subject, with a fan club of squealing preteens who adored his dark and angsty loner act.

"Hell yeah. Bitches LOVE that shit."

So, with their promotion to genin – the lowest rank of ninja – Sasuke and Naruto are placed on a team together, alongside one Sakura Haruno. Their instructor, Kakashi Hatake, is the son of the disgraced White Fang, former student of the Leaf's Yellow Flash; he is famed throughout the land as a genius shinobi, and known by the moniker of "Copy Ninja" for his possession of—

"Yo. Quick question."

Sigh.

Yes, Sean?

"The fuck's a shinobi?"

[Session called to a premature close due to GM violently and repeatedly slamming his head on the table.]

A/N: The premise for this fic is very loosely based on a Naruto WMG from TV Tropes, which I have mused multiple times could make a very humorous fanfic. This story is pure crack, and should not be taken seriously.

Also, let's be honest – how many of us actually knew of shinobi as a synonym for ninja prior to exposure to Naruto?

(Sean is the name of Sasuke's player. Nick is Naruto. The GM is Isaac.)

Updated: 11-6-14

TTFN and R&R!

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