As we pass by the boulder where Gale and I used to meet, my mood lightens significantly. I know I've been back in District 12 for about a year and a half now, but it still pains me to walk through the ruins outside of the Victor's Village. Only a few more people have moved back to 12 since those first few months when I was out of it. I still get like that sometimes, but now I have the boy standing next to me, the boy who's always been there for me to help get me through. I'm now sure he's the same Peeta he was before the Quarter Quell. He might not have all the memories he once did, but he still is the same Peeta that bakes. The same Peeta that paints. And the same kind Peeta that loves me unconditionally.
I squeeze his had at this thought. He rewards me with one of his smiles that now, and now that I think about it, always has made my heart jump. Not that I'm one of those girls that gets so drawn into romance that they'll freak out over things like that. But having Peeta by my side in a time when few other people are even physically, let alone emotionally there for me is enough to even make me a romantic sometimes.
It's still somewhat odd hearing leaves crunching, plant stems breaking as I walk through the woods outside the district. But I've gotten used to Peeta's noisiness on our daily walks now. I've even come to enjoy hearing the wildlife run off as they hear us approaching. It means I've got someone by my side. Now that I think about it, I usually did have either Gale or Peeta with me since my dad died, but that seems like another lifetime ago. The period after Prim died doesn't just seem like longer than the weeks or months or whatever it was, it seems like several years. Decades even. The worst part is remembering the searing pain I felt as I remembered the fire bursting out of those packages. The fire that destroyed my sister and the one person I truly loved in this world.
"Katniss."
Peeta's voice catapults me back into the current. It's not that time in my life anymore. I have someone else I truly love now, and he always seems to know when I need him.
"Anything you want to talk about?"
These walks with Peeta are usually silent except when he has an episode or I get like this. Then one of us forces the other to talk. By now Peeta can sense when I need this.
"Just remembering," I say. Like always.
We walk for a while more until we reach the house by the lake. The first few times we came upon it on our walks were painful to me. The same pain I feel when I see anyplace connected in my head with someone who died. My mind jumps to many people, but I instantly repress the thoughts. If I wasn't able to block these memories I wouldn't be able to go anywhere outside of the Victor's Village. And even being there is painful sometimes.
As we sit down inside the house, Peeta starts a fire and then takes me into his arms. I don't resist as I used to do and instead embrace his warmth. It takes the painful memories away and instead replaces them with good ones like Peeta and I kissing in the cave and Peeta and I talking on that rooftop in the Capitol.
Peeta seems to be able to sense my change in mood as he relaxes his grasp on me a little into a more gentler one. I look up at him and see him looking down at me, smiling. I see him doing this a lot, and it makes me grin a little as well. Peeta's love for me is tangible, and I depend on it now that I have so little in my life.
I move my head up a couple of inches and kiss him lightly on the lips. This makes him smile even wider before he moves in for a second kiss, this one more deeper than the last. We break apart after some amount of time. I haven't the slightest clue as to how long it was; all I know is that kissing Peeta is the only time in my life now when I can be truly happy and rid of the pain.
We enjoy each other's warmth for a little while longer before we get up to exit the house and walk back into the woods, hand in hand of course. As we reach the end of the woods, I stop walking. Last night my nightmares were maybe the worst they'd ever been. The images in my head were unbearable, and despite having Peeta there, it was almost too much. Now, I'm outside 12 with Peeta, only half a day after. Yet I feel completely different. My mind is as close to empty as it gets, the only thing running through my head is him. Without him I'm sure I wouldn't be able to go on, even now. I need Peeta to survive...but it's also more than that. Peeta isn't just someone who helps me get through each day and bakes me bread. He means everything to me, and I enjoy every minute I spend with him.
"I love you Peeta," I say as we stand there. He already knows this, but it's not something I say very often. I rarely say anything positive, yet alone something with this level of emotion.
He looks at me for a few moments before breaking into an even bigger grin. He pulls me into his arms, hugging me tightly. I hear him say "Love you too" at some point, but I'm too lost in his embrace to really notice.
As we pass back through the remains of 12, the negative memories don't flood to me this time. Even as we go by the mass grave, Peeta tightens his grip on my hand and all I can think about is his touch. As we enter my house which we now share most of the time, I think about the future for the first time since Prim died. I think about being with Peeta for years to come and a smile actually breaks out across my face. A real one. The first real one in for as long as I can remember. Maybe I won't have nightmares tonight. Maybe I'll go to sleep thinking of the next walk with Peeta. Maybe not, but I now know this will happen eventually. I can be happy again, and it's all because of the boy holding my hand now. The boy with the bread. The boy I love.