Bitter and Hot SPICE!

A/N: ...Urk. I feel sick making a KND version of SPICE!... but I want to. Jeebus.

In order to avoid lawsuits, I changed ages. So here's a list:

Nigel: 17 (I feel dirty for making Numbuh 1 a manwhore.)

Rachel: 17 (...Urk...! Guilt...hurting me...!)

Lizzie: 16

Abby: 17 (Urk! I suddenly feel dirty for making Numbuh 5 one of Numuh 1's...um, victims, but yeah... ugh, don't hate me...)

Chad: 18

Hoagie: 17

Wally: 16 (He's in the same grade as Numbuhs 1 and 2, but he's still pretty short. Plus, let's say his birthday is a month or two later than theirs.)

PS: Holy shit, Rio wrote a T-rated fic? Call the FBI. Please.

...

I woke up slightly dazed to my phone's whining. I groaned heavily, holding my head with my left hand and searching for my phone with the other. Sitting up slowly, careful not to wake the sleeping form beside me, I pressed the small button on my iPhone and held up the annoying thing to my ear. I tried to sound as casual as possible. "...Hello...?"

"Nigie," said a voice. "Where the hell are you?"

Pulling my cell away from my face and holding my hand over it, I heaved a sigh. Lizzie. Jesus Christ, she was so needy. And why the hell was she crying that stupid "Nigie" to me at...I glanced at the clock...four in the morning? I removed my hand and held up the phone to my face again. "I'm at home, sweetie," I said in the most syrupy-sweet voice I could muster- the hot, sexy voice that girls swooned at. "What's up?"

Lizzie huffed. "Did you forget about the date we had today?"

"What? What date?" I said in false innocence. "I guess I forgot."

Lizzie didn't respond.

I slightly growled in annoyance. This seemed do pointless- especially since this call was at four in the freakin' morning. "Lizzie? I'm tired. Please, can we continue this in the morning?" My voice was that of a sweet, caring boyfriend right now. I almost laughed at it.

"Nigel?" she said softly. I noticed that she didn't call me "Nigie" for once, thank God. "I...I don't think we can continue. I mean, as a couple."

I almost laughed again. Who even said we were a couple? She was one of those girls- the ones who wanted to be tied together with someone forever. My voice changed into that of a heartbroken teen. "W-what?" I said weakly, my voice cracking falsely in sadness. I wanted to applaud myself. It sounded so realistic.

"It's just me..." Lizzie said comfortingly. "I don't think I can be with you anymore. Goodbye, Nigel."

She hung up the phone.

It's just me? It's so cliche...it makes me want to laugh. Jeez, maybe I should thank Lizzie later for making me laugh so much. It was entertaining.

I placed the phone back where it was.

"Mmph...Nigel, who was that..." the girl next to me said groggily. Thank God- it seemed like she didn't hear anything.

"Nothing," I said smoothly. "just a friend. Go back to sleep, Abby."

'Urgh," she said, frowning. "Who calls at this time?" Right after that complaint she fell back asleep.

I smirked and leaned back on my pillow. Using my index finger I twirled a small portion of her hair. That was the third girl I broke up with this week. But they never caught me. They never saw me with the other girls I played with. I had them all wrapped around my pinky. All it took was making them believe I was a suave, sensitive guy...and saying those three words that they want to hear.

"I love you."

...

The next day I was having lunch with my friends at Gallagher High. My group of friends were mostly made up of Hoagie Gilligan and Wally Beetles, both of which were kind of stupid. But, whatever.

"Man, Nigel, I can't believe you got it on with Abigail Lincoln! Man, I would kill for a girl like her..." Hoagie looked like he was about to drool.

"Jeez, Hoagie, no one's gonna ask you out when you look like that!" Wally said, disgusted at his friend's state. Hoagie was currently slathered in tomato sauce and milk, and I had to admit that looked kind of gross.

"You should talk, Wally!" Hoagie countered. "Just look at you! Hit puberty already! You're shorter than Tommy, for God's sake!"

Wally growled. "Jesus, Hoagie, at least I didn't grow horizontally!"

Hoagie gasped girlishly and pouted silently at Wally's comment. I laughed; my friends were pretty funny when they started arguing. Once, Hoagie called Wally a fat cow. What the hell?

Wally turned towards me. "But seriously, Nigel, how do you just get a girl in bed?" He looked so hopeful that I had to chuckle. He looked like a puppy begging for a piece of meat.

"Of course you would like to know," I said, glancing at Kuki Sanban, the cute, childish girl in our class. I didn't make a move on her, mostly because she looked so...innocent. My God, if I were to get her, it would be like doing a kindergartener.

Wally turned bright red. "N-no, mate, but really, just tell me."

"How 'bout I just show you?" I suggested. "It's easier to explain that way."

Wally gagged. "Eww, no, buddy, I don't swing that way."

"Not on you, you stupid..." I shook my head and pinched the bridge of my nose, a habit I gained after dating Lizzie. "Never mind. Just... make sure you put on a sexy voice, have a sexy comeback for every sentence she has, and finally, say very sexily, 'I love you.'" I looked at Wally expectantly, expecting him to bow down at my greatness.

"Pff, it's always sex with you, isn't it?" he giggled childishly. He straightened himself up. "But that's not fair, mate. You have a British accent. You know that girls find British accents sexy, roight?" he said, applying a fake British accent to "right" and failing hopelessly. Hoagie even laughed a little, despite his small phase of depression.

"Ah, I recall that you also said that girls found blonds sexy, but look at that, you haven't dated even one girl yet." I chuckled, remembering Wally's attempt to ask out another blond. He had said something along the lines of, "Hey, babe, I'm blond, you're blond, so let's get it on!" and it had earned him a red handprint on his face.

"Hey quit making fun of Wally, Nigel," said a voice behind me. I recognized that voice- I had always found it to be richer and more smooth than others.

Hoagie got out of his emo corner and greeted the person behind me cheerfully. "Hey, Rachel!"

Wally also smiled at Rachel, which, somehow, made my blood boil. "Hey Rach! Join us for a bite?"

Rachel smiled. "Sure," she said, sitting down next to me. She turned to me. "Hey Nigel."

"H-Hi." I stared at her orange shirt. Jesus, she seemed to wear orange every day. Not that I was complaining. The color complimented both her eyes and hair. ...I sound so gay right now.

Just as I shook myself out of my gay thoughts, Rachel stole a french fry drenched in chili from my plate and popped it into her mouth, chewing happily.

"Hey!" I said with as much dignity as I could summon. "Give-" I cleared my throat. I sounded like a girl for a moment. I deepened my voice, making me sound like a little boy trying to sound like his father. "Gi-give that back!"

"Just try to take it," Rachel challenged. I gulped. That sounded way off from what she intended, in my head.

Hoagie snickered next to Wally. "Yeah, sexy British guy, take it," he said just quietly enough so only me and Wally could hear.

"French 'er, Nigel," Wally encouraged just as loudly.

Rachel gulped down the french fry and glanced at my two friends. "Did you say something?" she said, tilting her head like a puppy. God, she was too cute and naive for her own good.

"No, nothing," Hoagie said, snickering.

I just realized that Rachel had approached us for no reason- without him. The thought of him made me grind my teeth in silence. I tried to compose myself. "W-where's your boyfriend?" I asked. It hurt my tongue just to ask them.

"Chad? Oh, he has practice today at lunch." Rachel smiled as I grew slightly angry. Stupid Chad. Stupid football-playing boy band-looking nice car-driving jock. He can just go to hell.

"Nigel? You okay?" Wally asked. "You're making weird faces at your sandwich."

Shit.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I said coolly, trying to pretend that everything was dandy. Stupid Chad with his good grades and jock complex, dating Rachel...

"Nigel, you just stabbed your sandwich," Rachel said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. I looked down at my lunch.

My hand was holding a fork that was currently puncturing my sandwich. Mayonaisse and ketchup covered my hand and sleeve. I slowly removed the fork and placed it gently next to my spoon. Wait, why the hell did I have a fork and spoon if I had a sandwich for lunch? How weird.

"My God, Nigel, what you did was forking insane!" Hoagie howled with laughter. Wally's face was in his hands and Rachel was still smiling, although I saw her cringe.

I needed to change the subject, lest I stab Hoagie next. "So, why aren't you with your friends?" I asked Rachel in a shaky voice. Breathe. Breathe. Do not pick up the fork-

"Fanny and Patton? Oh, they're busy denying their love for each other as usual. But, it's getting intense, so I thought I'd stay out of it." Rachel took another one of my fries.

"I see..." I said, glancing over at Rachel's usual table as Hoagie and Wally did the same. Fanny was calling Patton things I'd never even heard of before and Patton was returning with large sentences filled with profanity. I cringed as Fanny took a fork and stabbed Patton in the hand.

"Ooh," Wally said, wincing. "Jeez, I think he's gonna need a band-aid or something."

Rachel stood up and dashed over to Fanny, yelling about how it's bad to stab people with forks. It was pretty funny, actually. The whole cafeteria was staring at them and Patton. Fanny returned with some irrational reasoning, and Rachel lightly hit her on the head. Then, with the cafeteria as witness, Fanny apoligized to Patton. Apoligized!

The whole room started murmuring to each other, as Rachel gave Fanny a satisfied nod.

"D-Did I just see...?"

"Holy shit..."

"Jesus, Rachel is really amazing..."

Hoagie and Wally looked at each other. "Wow! Did you just see that?" Hoagie exclaimed.

Wally nodded. "Yeah! She just stabbed Patton with a fork!"

"Yeah! Like Nigel did!"

"And then she apoligized!"

"What the hell happened?"

My mouth hung open slightly. "What the fuck?" I said, testing to see if something would blow up.

The bell rang. That counts, right?