The Body: Part One
It had taken days for them to reach the Citadel remains and six more for them to pick up the barely distinguishable life sign beneath mountains of broken stone and synthetic wire that distorted any clear readings and made the scanners flicker in and out of usefulness. Each of those seconds Kaidan Alenko had spent holding his breath. They didn't know what happened. Suddenly Shepard went dark and a red light swept over the galaxy like a curtain was being pulled. Was it the end or just the end of the Reapers? Turned out it didn't matter much. The death toll was insurmountable just from the Catalyst alone, but such basic phrases didn't capture how Joker cradled EDI's body or how Wrex went silent upon hearing that for all anyone knew he'd never see his children or Eve again. It didn't do justice to the soldiers slowly fading away from necrosis or unable to stop the nightmares. No, nothing captured that. Words failed amongst the dead and rubble. Words failed in the quiet of the Normandy. The long nights reminding himself that he'd never get to show Shepard just how good life could be couldn't be put in words. Yet he hoped…and he would keep hoping until he brought her body home and told her aunt and uncle that she served with valor….that she was loved more than anyone could be loved. That children ran up to her and said "I want to be like you". He wouldn't give up until he saw that body. Still the faintest hope clung in his mind that made she was hidden away, escaped on some shuttle on a world that lost contact or a moon. Hope was a silly conviction, but necessary.
When Traynor with trembling fingers started to cry and managed "I think we found her". The ship went silent. The ship became somewhere else and he knew that he had to be certain.
They had been searching for several hours on the main junction on top of the remains of the Citadel where the energy burst had supposedly come from according to analysis. Kaidan glanced up to the empty blackness speckled with light stars and a smile came to his lips. Tiredness clung to every muscle and his wounds ached still. Guess it was stupid to think it was more than a glitch. But he looked down and kept scanning, trying to parse out radiation and the synthetic materials from organic matter and the organic matter into live and non-living matter. It shouldn't have been taking so long but their omni-tools hadn't been working right since the wave and the Citadel itself seemed to be disrupting their tracers.
"Over here!" Vega sounded like he'd seen a ghost, and a rare prayer left Kaidan's lips. He didn't want it to be her. He hoped that she hadn't been buried in the hell hole of the Citadel ruins while he and the crew rested on their laurels, trying to get back to Earth. He hoped that he could keep hoping and live in the painful uncertainty than the unending pain of certainty. The air wreaked of burning rotten flesh, and fires lay in every direction; Hell given form. As he sprinted across the broken mess of the Citadel he tried to block out the sight of her smile, as she turned and ran towards the beam. That last beautiful smile filled with the sadness of a thousand moments that would never be lived. The last goodbye…the last time those eyes apologized because she hated knowing he'd hurt without her.
Had she really been there alive all that time? Please God…please. He wanted to see her again, but what would he find? With whatever Cerberus did who knows what thin tether kept her life bound. Please God. He wanted to smell the scent of her lavender shampoo from more than her pillow. He wanted to take her dancing like in those cheesey old movies she adored. He wanted to fight with her over assignments and paper work. Out of all the things he wanted he didn't want her to suffer. Kaidan Alenko had loved a few and somehow she was woven in his mind and blood and bones. Let her be ok or let her be… Pain had been something they shared.
Kaidan Alenko an outsider since he was born. Doctors' visits every other week then thrice a month. The military brat. Too arrogant to talk to everyone else. Biotic freak. Sir, if you don't mind me asking, how can you be an L2 and not be, you know, insane? Promoting him to Major? Really is that a good idea? Kaidan…you make me feel whole. I tried…Kaidan she got me in and then the next blast and then she j-just bounced like a…like a rag doll.
Pain.
Biotic Freak. Always alone. I watched the lights go out in her eyes. My sister screamed. Run. Don't you touch her. Daddy a pile of mushy flesh and then. Don't make me talk about this Kaid. I just. Biotic freak. You a telepath chica? What are you? Special? I bet your father pissed himself before the Batarians took him out. He said things he shouldn't have and tried to put his hands on her. Charges dismissed. Unstable and unreliable. Red sand can make it feel like it's buzzing. What's buzzing? Everything. Biotics in overload. Memories make my mind burst. Your entire squad is dead because you wouldn't pull back. Mission first. We can't give those slaving bastards an inch. Promotion? Fuck yeah I'll take it. Commander, I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do to convince the Council. This story is insane are all you humans so gullible. Cold. Can't breathe. But Cerberus Shepard? Kaidan please.
Pain.
The artificial atmosphere maintained itself more or less, but his lungs burned from the smoke and debris in the air. "Hurry!" The urgency in Vega's voice held a the slight tremble of panic. He was a soldier good at his job and good at more or less staying focused. In short he didn't get like that over nothing.
Major Alenko never knew what he expected at that moment, but the gasp that rattled through him never left his dreams. Vega kept running his hand up and through his hair, as he called coordinates to the Normandy. Garrus knelt down doing a scan of the body in the pit before them. That mess of meat was unrecognizable except for those brown eyes. He didn't want to see her that way. He didn't want to see that contorted flesh with limbs distorted, one arm and leg burned and battered beyond repair. Her chest rose and fall, as those eyes blinked at the onslaught of light. Shepard lay, splayed beneath the rubble her armor soddered to her flesh, her face a mesh of cuts and scraps only separated by dirty swollen tissue. Exposed bones in spots not hidden by armor…hair burned and shorn to nothing. Armor black….
"Shepard…"
Her eyes went towards his voice, and he could see the recognition in her eyes. At that moment Chakwas and her team ran past him. Before he said anything they went to work, and to the untrained eye the sight would have seemed to not have phase them. But Kaidan knew Karin…and he saw her start back before kneeling down and issuing orders to her men.
"K-kai" His name caught in her throat with a dry bloodied cough. The commander's voice sounded so small and thin. Her hacking held the rattle of broken ribs and her whole body twitched and winced in raw pain.
"Don't speak, Commander," Karin ordered.
Kaidan moved a bit closer, too self conscious to risk obstructing the med team in their duties.
"I'm here, Winter. It'll be ok…"
"I…c-can't see." Kaidan felt his insides go cold. The fear in her voice made everyone go silent, and Chakwas exchanged looks with Lt. Yearly. Fear was not something that went with Commander Shepard. Never that. Not to anyone. He knew her fear but not fear like the one in her voice. It was childish, frightened and infinitely tiny. Not Commander Shepard. Not his Shepard. Another cough took Shepard and Kaidan realized her eyes were glazed over and seemed almost grey. They focused on nothing in particular and seemed to jump from person to person and voice to voice. If she could see it wasn't by much.
Shepard remained silent after this, her eyes darting about in a daze as she was stabilized and moved to a stretcher. Her mouth shot open and her eyes turned wide at the movement. Two of the nurses were startled by the sudden jolt of her body, and even Kaidan flinched. Out of Shepard's mouth came not a scream but a dry rasping noise unlike any he'd ever heard. The very air sounded like it'd been stolen from her lungs. Her expression held the purest pain and tears streamed from her cheeks like a fountain. Not Commander Shepard. Not is Shepard. How he wanted to hold her and make it right again.
Kaidan wanted to bring back a body. He didn't want it to be like this.