A Bat Family Morning
Disclaimer: All characters belong to DC.
Warning: Language, OoC, Head Canon, first DC-verse story.
Summary: What if Bruce Wayne adopted with all the children he took under his wing and inspired to be super heroes? What if they were all living with him and his girlfriend? What if Alfred was on a much needed vacation?
Author's Note: I think I wanted a good, funny bat family story. That includes, like, everybody. One of those slice of life stories that involving Bruce having to deal with his rather large, insane family. Stories that can tell a joke, give fluffiness, or drop into angst then end. So I decided to write one. If you have any recommendations please put them in a review.
Bruce Wayne, playboy billionaire and masked vigilante hero, woke as his alarm went off. He disentangled himself from the sheets and his bed partner and softly padded into the kitchen. He stared into an open fridge unseeingly, the last vestiges of sleep still on him. He finally decided to grab a pitcher of milk and kicked the door closed. He then shuffled through the cupboard pulling out bag after bag of sugary cereal. He paused to look at the pile of food then decided to grab another carton of milk. He sat on a bar stool, poured the least sugary of the bunch into a bowl, and filled it with milk. He heaved a sigh as he propped his face in his hand.
"Dick if you don't get your ass out here I'm gonna leave it behind." Barbra yelled, startling Bruce from his reprieve. In a quieter tone she greeted her adoptive father, "'Morning Bats." She bent to kiss his brow then busied herself with filling a zip lock with cheerios.
Bruce craned his neck to see the kitchen stove which read 6:35 am. "Morning, Babs. I could be wrong; but I thought your first class wasn't until 9. I know Dick wouldn't sign up for anything earlier than 10."
"Oh, you're right." Barbra replied mildly. Bruce stared at her uncomprehending. He finally decided A. it was too early to think this hard, B. screw it, and C. he probably didn't want to know anyway. Barbra gave a two finger salute as she left the kitchen.
Bruce heard the door open and shut as a blur of activity rushed through the kitchen, " .Barbra' 10likeanormalperson?" Bruce barely understood Dick as he stuffed a whole bag of cereal into his backpack and raced to catch Barbra.
Bruce just shook his head. Dick had taken to the disturbing habit of calling him dad. He had Dick around the longest; but even Damian didn't call him dad and he was his actual son. Maybe Dick did it just to mess with him. On second thought, he'd be really disturbed if Damian started calling him dad. There was something wrong with the boy.
"Will you stop it already? If you don't stop it I'm going to tell. STOP! BRUCE! Jason won't leave me alone." The whine was getting unmistakably louder as it came down the hall. It was coupled with grunts and soft thuds of bodies hitting walls. Despite the growing migraine Bruce could understand Tim's pain. Tim was unsuccessfully trying to get out of Jason's noogie. Bruce met Jason's eyes and just stared at him as if to ask "Really?"
"God, Tim you're such a baby!" Jason said pulling out a mixing bowl and filling the entire thing with sugary cereal.
"No I'm not!" Tim yelled over his shoulder while he walked out of the kitchen.
Bruce rubbed the bridge of his nose and stared, puzzled at his cereal. Something was wrong. Over the next couple minutes more kids filled the room taking seats at the dining table. There was no spoon! Bruce slowly got off the barstool, his joints creaking. He'd had a rough night.
Bruce went to the utensil drawer and Stephanie cut him off. After she moved out of the way he pulled out the lot of spoons and set them besides the bowls. He sat himself back down across from Stephanie. He was about to eat when she pulled the bowl of cereal to herself. Defeated by grabby teenagers: what had his life come to? "Ewe, Raisin Brand." Ah, still a chance that he'd get to eat his breakfast. "I'll take it," David said doing just that. No villain had succeeded in breaking the Bat's spirit as effectively as his own children.
Tim came walking in carrying the paper, "Bats check this out." Apparently on the front of the society pages of the Gotham Times was a picture of the family at the grocery store. There was an inset of Bruce caring Terry in a papoose. The heading was: "Bruce Wayne: Worse than BrAngelina?!" He skimmed the article noting that they listed his 13 adopted children, Selina's two, and their son Terry by name and age. The only one they left out was Barbra because he had never legally adopted her. They cited the children's multiple ethnicities and the sheer number of them as reasons against him. They also asked questions like, "Has playboy Bruce Wayne finally settled down?" Which was ridiculous, he'd had most of them for at least half a decade. Then they went on to talk intimately about his girlfriend Selina.
"This is News?! It's worse than the Inquirer." He was disturbed by the amount of personal information used in the article. When did they even have a chance to snap a picture of him? He was definitely going to get someone, probably Lucius, to call the paper. It was inappropriate.
"It's better than what they wrote about Aunt Kate." Tim Shrugged.
"I want to see," Helena stated pulling the paper from him. "Wow."
Bruce hadn't gotten a chance to read the article but right under his was a picture of Kate Kane falling into a fountain, drunk. "Stop calling her that. We are not related to them in anyway."
"Other than they live in the mansion next door and we occasionally fight crime together." Came Carrie's reply as the table fought for different pages of the paper. He ignored the complaint of, "Charlie, you ripped Mutts!"
"Plus," Michael chipped in, "Easier to just say it then have her correct us all the time."
"What's all the fuss about?" Selina asked as she came in.
"The paper says Aunt Kate is replacing Bats as the town drunk and saying he's become Mister Mom," Holly answered from across the room.
"Oh," was Selena's only reply. She bent over and kissed Bruce on the lips despite the general, "yuck." She whispered into his smile a, "Good Morning," as she deposited Terry from her hip to Bruce's lap with practice grace.
Terry gurgled happily at his father and stuck spilled fruit loops into his mouth. "Hurry up you guys, you're going be late for school." Bruce announced.
"Aww, do we have to go?" Bilal complained.
To which Bruce's only answer was, "yes." After that everyone stated cleaning up and heading to their room for backpacks and cloths that weren't PJs. Jason stood and looped a strap over one shoulder. "Are you going with Helena today?"
"Nope." He grabbed his Motorcycle helmet as he left. That answers that.
"Here are the keys to the van," Bruce said handing them to Helena, "Are you going to be careful?"
"Sure, Dad." Bruce could feel his eye twitch. Helena actually was his. In fact she was his and Selina's but she didn't know that. Helena was spending too much time with Dick and together they must have come up with a plan to slowly torture him to death. "Move it or lose it losers!" Helena yelled to the back of the house. Dick and Barbra, both.
Bruce rubbed his face and contemplated why he ever thought adopting was a good idea. "What time did you get in last night?" Selina asked him setting a mug of hot coffee and a bowl of cereal in front of him. He could kiss her; she was a beautiful goddess who had magical powers to brew coffee in no time.
Wrestling his abandoned spoon from Terry, Bruce replied, "Two."
"Poor Baby. At least it was an early night." Selina said rubbing his back.
"Can't you take the kids to school?" Suddenly there was no more blissful massage.
"We had a deal." The temperature in the room dropped about twenty degrees. "I'll watch the kid's at night and you watch them during the day while I bring home the bacon."
"You don't need to bring home the bacon; I'm a millionaire. I can pay someone to buy and fry it."
The sharp look in Selina's eye told him he should just stop talking. "It's only until Alfred gets back and they're at school most of the day."
"Well, they are mostly asleep during the night." Bruce pointed out. He took one look at her face and quickly changed the subject, "Why did Alfred choose now to take a vacation anyway?"
"You know as well as I that it was because, and I quote, 'your demon spawn' tripped him on the stairs."
Bruce heaved a heavy sigh, "I don't know what's wrong with the boy?"
"I do. He was raise by your psychotic ex. Plus you can't say that about you son."
"It's just that the only one he gets alone with is Dick. Oh, and that Wilkes boy and there is something a little off about him too. I mean he tried and almost succeeded in killing Tim."
"Hum," Selina mused, "I wonder why so many of the children don't like Tim. He seems like he's a likable guy."
"Wait, are you trying to suggest this Tim's fault."
"Hum, oh, no, nothing of the sort." Selena checked her watch, "I got to run. You should be leaving too. The Elementary starts in 15 minutes. Remember you have to pick Harper up early. Kindergarten only lasts half the day." She gave him a quick peck on the lip before grabbing her thermos and dashing out the door.
Bruce stood adjusting Terry so he was on his hip and gave a shrill whistle. This brought the remaining six children to attention in front of him. He smirked. Who said you couldn't train kids? "Everyone load up."
There was a bit of a walk from the kitchen to the garage. All the while Bruce was thinking that this particular circumstance must have been why Alfred insisted on two minivans instead of one large bus like he had wanted to get. Then again he did buy both. He ignored Katrina and Damian's argument over who got the front seat and he fastened Terry then Harper into their car seats. Apparently Bilal won on the basis of being the eldest kid there.
Bruce was about ready to kill someone five minutes later. He was stuck in traffic a mile from the school listening to Michael and Damian argue the benefits, slash lameness of being a Robin. It had become a competition of who could think up the worst thing about being Robin. Damian was currently winning. The Bat was tempted to make Damian into a Robin when Stephanie graduated out of spite. The only problem was the idea of patrolling with Damian sent chills up his spine. At least until the kid mastered the no kill rule.
Bruce could have kissed Katrina when she said, "It'd be fun to be a Robin. You get to go out with Bats and fight bad guys." Why on earth did it take so long for people to drop off their kids? You didn't even have to slow down, much, just tuck and roll. The Katrina said, "But it's better to be a Catgirl anyway because cats eat birds." That's it; he was kicking them all out here in the street. Just then the cars started moving and he pulled up to the entrance and yelled, "Everybody out!"
He jumped out himself and started unfastening Harper's car seat. She looked up at him and declared, "I'm not gonna be a Robin either. I'm gonna be a blue bird." He couldn't help but smile down at her.
"Well, Miss Blue Bird, are you going to help daddy fight bad guys?" She nodded enthusiastically as he lifted her down. He watched with a smile as she ran clumsily on chubby little legs to one of the kindergarten teachers who waved flirtatiously at him. He frowned. It was time to leave. He got in and someone behind him honked. He could understand why people in Gotham go on murderous killing sprees; it would be so simple.
He got home, put Terry to bed, set his timer for 11:30, and fell asleep. His last thought before drifting off was that Alfred needed a raise.
End Note: So obviously the events of the actual comics couldn't have happened in this time frame so I was wondering if anyone had ideas about how Bats came to adopt all his children. Also I'd be absolutely thrilled if someone could turn this into a comic.