A/N: Well, this was supposed to be a a Valentine's Day special, but looks like I'm a little late. *Cough* Two weeks late. I'm such a bad person. Ahhh, but I love HijiOkiHiji so much. Definitely my OTP. Anyway, happy belated Valentine's day! ^3^

Disclaimer: I do own Gintama, Pokémon, and Naruto/Naruto Shippuden. Ahahahahahah who am I kidding T^T

Hijikata Toushirou's eye twitched. Now, the vice-commander had been through many things in his life. He had experienced many ups and downs. A lot of pain, a lot of battles, a lot of mayonna- I mean, a lot of regrets. But this. Nothing came close to this. The embarrassment, the humiliation, the indignity, nothing has ever been similar to what he was going through now.

"W-What the hell is this?" He yelled, grabbing his subordinate's collar, leaning in until their noses were nearly brushing against each other.

"Hijikata-san," Okita Sougo whined, leaning back, wriggling a little to pull away from the older man. "Your breath stinks."

The vice-commander immediately reeled back, letting go of Sougo, his mouth slightly open and eyes widened, "But it would only smell like mayonnaise!"

"Fukuchou [Vice-commander]. That's the whole reason," The chestnut-haired teenager drawled, unimpressed with his senior.

"Don't belittle mayonnaise!" Hijikata snapped, his cigarette falling out of his mouth and landing with a soft thud onto the tatami mat under his feet. "Mayonnaise is what makes the world go around. It runs the planet, and is the cause of our very existence. The smell of mayonnaise, just like-" Pause. "Oi! Don't change the subject! Why am I wearing this… thing?"

He stared in disbelief at his reflection in the mirror. His thick, unruly hair had been combed down at his fringe, flattening it until it was neat, and the back of his head had been gelled up until it stuck up in the most physically impossible manner, defying the laws of gravity itself. Hanging off his muscular frame was a grey high-collared shirt that hugged his body in just the right places, the zip at the front only pulled up halfway to reveal a lot of his chest. He tugged uncomfortably at the black arm warmers wrapped around his forearms, scrutinising the most pathetic excuse for lower wear he had ever seen. He had black pants that ended at his mid-calf, tucked under tall, plastic sandals that were horribly difficult to move in, and around his waist was a dark blue piece of fabric, almost like a skirt, and held up by thick purple -purple!- rope. His whole look was topped off with a logo on his back, somewhat similar to a melting p***ball.

Oh? The same rules don't apply to fanfiction? Let me change that then.

His whole look was topped off with a logo on his back, somewhat similar to a melting pokéball.

"Don't you have that Otaku persona, Hijikata-san? You should know then-desaa," Sougo rolled his eyes, he himself adjusting his bright orange clown wear - I mean jumpsuit.

"Why the hell am I dressed up as Sasuke [One of the main characters of the manga/anime series Naruto and Naruto Shippuden]? And why are you Naruto?" He hollered, jabbing his finger onto Sougo's black headband wrapped around his forehead.

"It's a cosplay contest. Cosplay," Sougo snorted, slapping his senior's hand away. "A better cosplay than Toshi's one at that."

Hijikata immediately felt a blush forming at the remembrance of the mortifying otaku phase, and he prayed it wasn't visible to the captain of the 1st division. Avoiding eye contact, he mumbled something along the lines of, "We're wasting our day-off on a cosplay competition?" Suddenly, his gunmetal-coloured eyes widened and he slapped himself, "Isn't today Valentine's Day? Won't people mistaken us for a couple? Oi!" He snapped, trying to get Sougo's attention, whom was just calmly wiping a kunai [A Japanese weapon commonly used] in in his hand. "Don't ignore me!"

Okita reached into his pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper, "Here's a pamphlet of the contest, Bakakata." The vice-commander felt his eye twitch. "It's in a festival, so there'll be other things to do there." His eyes scanned the sheet, "There'll be lots food, Hijikata-san. Please eat as much as you want and get high-blood pressure and die."

"Now I'm suspicious of this whole thing! Are you sending me there to die?" Toushirou shrieked, snatching the pamphlet and quickly glancing through it.

"Isn't Sasuke dying in the latest chapter-desuzee?" Sougo asked innocently, cocking his head ever so slightly to one side.

"You're scheming something! You're definitely scheming something! And someone would save him! Didn't you see the unknown person's foot appear in front of him?'"

"Ah, so you do still read manga. Hijikata's an otaku~" The teenager sang.

"S-stop it!" He fumed. That moment, his eyes suddenly read something of vital importance on the paper. He re-read it just to make sure. "Ano, Sougo? It says the cosplay competition is for anime couples."

"What's the problem with that?"

"Oi! Sasuke and Naruto aren't a couple! In no way are they a couple! Naruto isn't even a romance series! And won't other get suspicious? They'll definitely misunderstand something, won't they? Won't everyone think we're some lovey-dovey pair? Why do you want to join anyway? You're definitely not interested in the fun of cosplaying! You're going to try to kill or embarrass me somehow, I know it!"

Sougo's eyes glazed over a little and he stared out the room, a distant, faraway look filling his orbs and he drooled a little, "Second place wins a bazooka."

"You're not even aiming to get first place! And what kind of cosplay contest is this? Why would they give a bazooka in a couples competition? The Shinsengumi provides free bazookas you know? You don't have to cosplay as a couple that isn't even a couple to win a cheap weapon that you'll use to try and kill me!"

Raising an eyebrow, the younger man asked, "Aren't Sasuke and Naruto a couple? Naruto's always yelling 'Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke', you'd think he'd already be giving birth to their baby."

"Giving birth? Is Naruto going to shit the baby out? Huh?"

"Aren't most mpreg fanfictions like that? 'Ah, I have constipation! Oops, a baby came out instead! Let's ignore the fact that all my organs had to be pushed aside and crushed for a life form to grow inside my belly and that I probably should be dying from all the internal bleeding!'" Sougo sighed.

Nodding, Hijikata added on, "I swear, I bet it's just a way for girls to feel better that they aren't the only ones giving bir- Why the hell are we discussing this?"

"Exactly, Hijikata-san, what are you talking about?"

"Don't pretend that you didn't play a part in this conversation!" Toushirou pointed an accusing finger at the crimson-eyed reincarnation of a beast in front of him. "Look, let's just go, win- I mean get second place, then leave, okay?"

Hijikata turned around and sulked to himself while walking out the room, and the shorter male promptly followed. "Why don't we bring Kondou-san along?"

"Like hell I would!"

Hijikata was spoiling Sougo and the vice-commander knew it. He let out a loud sigh and shot a glance at the teenager walking beside him. Sougo was nearly an adult, he couldn't still be as stubborn and childish as he was now. He didn't need to join some cosplay competition just to help win some useless bazooka! He didn't need to be toyed around with and bullied! He was Okita's senior, both in age and rank!

Sougo looked up and his big, crimson eyes met Hijikata's cold, eagle-like blue eyes, and immediately the older man felt his will crumble. It was those eyes. Those round, saucer-shaped eyes that just radiated innocence.

"Hijikata-san, please stop staring at me. Your ovaries would explode from looking at me for too long."

Toushirou immediately looked away, a faint hint of red across his cheeks. He mentally punched himself, fuming that he had been caught in an easily misunderstood situation. Then he paused. "Ovaries… did you just call me a female?"

Those once innocent-looking eyes took on a darker look as Sougo smirked, "The prettiest woman I have ever seen, Hijikata-chan, with the biggest, bounciest ches-"

"Sh-Shut up!" The supposedly demonic vice-commander yelped. "You perverted bastard. Don't forget that you're more girly than me. You've even been hailed as the bishounen of the series. Oi, are you listening to me? Sougo!"

"Naruto," The teenager corrected, pretending as though he never heard Toushirou's argument. "Ah. We're here."

Hijikata immediately stopped and looked up. Arching over them was row after row of pink and purple heart-shaped balloons as an entrance, adorned with roses and cupid figurines. Hijikata immediately felt his throat constrict as though he was going to be sick.

"Soug- erm, Naruto," He corrected himself, "Are you sure this is the right place?"

The taller man turned to look at the teenager, but the teenager was staring upwards in a daze, his eyes as though he had been caught in a trance, and he slowly and unsteadily stumbled towards the horrifying area. "S-Sougo?"

Okita suddenly spun around, his hair splaying outwards from the sudden motion as he turned to stare at Hijikata, his eyes wide. "I smell the bazooka!"

Hijikata paused. What? Surely he misheard. He shook his head, clearing his mind and looking back at Sougo. "Sorry, can you say that again?"

But the teenager wasn't listening anymore as he briskly walked inside, babbling 'bazooka' over and over like an idiot. Does the kid want to kill Hijikata that badly?

Hijikata sped up and ran towards the captain, who should have been fired from the Shinsengumi by now, grabbing his bony shoulder. "Look, the contest doesn't start for another hour. So let's just play a few games and eat some food in this… Valentine's Day festival," he choked out the last few words.

He glanced at Sougo, hoping he had snapped out of his bazooka fetish, which, fortunately for the bazooka-wielder's victim, had worked as his blood red eyes cleared and looked straight at Hijikata. "Games?" He murmured innocently. "Ah! Games! I'm going to win the biggest prize in every single booth!" He looked over at his senior disdainfully and added, "Hijika- Sasuke, you pay."

"Huh? You dragged me here! I was brought here against my own will! Why am I paying? And I just heard you about to call me Hijikata-san! Even you don't believe I'm convincing as Sasuke!" Toushirou yelled, crushing the cigarette he was about to light in his hand.

"But Sasuke," Sougo pouted, "You're paid more than me. You're of a more senior position. Of course, if you'd rather not pay, I'd suggest you step down from your role and let me-"

"Not a chance!"

The young sadist rolled his eyes and stared pointedly at the vice-commander, "You're paying then." Okita then proceeded to prance off into the huge crowd surrounding the stalls, hidden from Hijikata behind waves of taller people.

Sighing, Hijikata adjusted his arm warmers and shoved his way into the crowd as well, looking the younger man. "Idiot."

Eight stalls, twenty three prizes, and fifty five dollars later, Sougo marched out triumphantly, a stick of dango half in his mouth and Hijikata trembling pitifully behind him, barely able to hold up the wide array of cheap, tacky stuffed toys.

"Sougo," His voice trembled, "Isn't this a little too mu-"

"Naruto," His junior rudely cut him off, correcting the older man as he grabbed his arm and pulled Hijikata with him towards the center of the event, not caring that the prizes had fallen from the vice-commander's arms. "Our chance to win a bazooka starts soon. Don't ruin this, Bakakata-san."

"Bakakata my ass! I paid for all the games just now! At least keep the prizes!" Hijikata snapped, repeatedly squeezing a bottle of mayonnaise to vent his anger.

"Don't wanna," Sougo whined. "And keep that dog food away from me."

"Oi. Can I punch you now? Please? Just one? Give me a chance, alright?" Hijikata's voice wavered, sounding almost like a plea. Taking in a deep breath, he pounced towards Sougo, his right fist clenched tightly.

Hijikata's eyes widened as he felt wind gently blow past him, ruffling his bangs, and suddenly he was face-down on the ground, a heavy weight on top of him that seemed to crush the air out of his lungs. He slowly turned his head around slightly, catching a glimpse behind him, only to see a certain sadistic chestnut-haired teenager sitting on his back, leaning down until his face was right in front of the 'demonic' vice-commander's. Of course, in this situation, the man lying pressed against the dirt on the ground looked anything but demonic. Sougo's face contorted into a sick. diabolical smirk, as though mocking the older man's inferiority.

"Huh? Did you say something?" Sougo sniggered.

"You bastard, get off me." He let out a grunt, his face burning as people around them started eyeing the duo, and placed his palms flat against the ground before hefting himself up, making Sougo slide off his shoulder blades.

"Ahh, isn't the ambience nice here-desaa?" Sougo faked a smile, extending his arms outwards as he stood up.

"Ambience my ass," Hijikata snorted, dusting himself off before walking towards the centre of the festival, not waiting for Sougo to catch up to him. "You know this whole thing is pissing me off. Why do I have to come for a Valentine's Day festival of all things? People are definitely going to misunderstand something between the both of us, right? You don't even seem like the type who would celebrate Valentine's Day. You're just here to eat, play, and win a bazooka. No need to drag me along. Why not Yamazaki? That's what we pay him for, right? To be our little manservant and errand boy?"

"Hijikata-san. We hired him to be a spy," He paused for emphasis before repeating himself. "A spy."

The vice-commander stiffened, his cigarette dropping from him mouth. "No way."

"Believe it [Naruto's catchphrase in English]."

"Why the hell is he playing badminton all the damn time? Why does he spend the whole day eating anpan? What the hell is he spying on?"

Sougo shrugged, speeding up a little so that he was walking in front of his senior. He glanced back for a brief while, shooting a disdainful look at Hijikata. "Sasuke, remember to stick to your revenge-wanting, emo, girly self, but a little more romantic, okay? There'll probably be a few interview questions."

Toushirou sighed, "Hai, hai. Just wondering though, what's first place's prize?"

Casually waving his hand in dismissal, Sougo drawled, "Nothing much-desuzee. Just free tickets to the Bahamas." Sougo shot a glimpse behind him. "Oi, are you choking on air? What's with that reaction?"

Immediately, dark fumes started emanating from Hijikata as he slowly clenched his fists, otherwise standing still. "Sougo…" he growled. Then he lunged forward and grabbed the front of the black collar of the younger boy's costume. "We could win a chance to leave Edo for a vacation and you want a goddamned bazooka? How stupid are you? Huh? Please tell me you're kidding. You're kidding right? You're actually really smart and you're just not showing it, right? Sougo?"

"Ano [Japanese equivalent of 'erm'], fukuchou. Bahamas is the name of a cabaret club down the road."

The vice-commander immediately felt his knees go weak and he collapsed to the ground in defeat.

"Don't screw up like you usually do, Hijikata-san," Sougo reminded, staring accusingly at the dark-haired senior.

Hijikata took in a long drag of his cigarette and retorted, "Tch. If anything, you're going to be the one ruining the whole contest. You'll probably pull out your own bazooka out of no where and yell 'Hijikata-san! There's a spider on your back!' then cause the whole place to explode with one pull of the trigger."

"Now, do I look like the type who would do something like that?" The teenager's eyes widened a little in mock hurt, and he tilted his head slightly to one side.

Hijikata's eyes met Sougo's, and they stayed like that for a few heartbeats, staring straight into each other's orbs, and finally Hijikata looked away, defeated. Those goddamned eyes. "Tch, just behave yourself. I'm helping you out here, so work with me."

"And the next pair would be everyone's favourite pairing from on of the Big 3 Anime, Naruto! We welcome up on stage, Naruto and Hina- Huh? Sasuke? Eh? Naruto and Sasuke?"

Sougo briskly headed over to the side of stage, giving a curt nod in confirmation as he climbed up towards the ridiculous emcee. He had short-cropped dark brown hair and an ugly goatee, all adorning his angular and chiselled face. Not that any of that mattered of course, since the most important thing was that he was wearing cheap, tacky sunglasses.

"Oi. There's a MADAO here," Sougo remarked, sounding annoyed. "Quick, Hijikata-san, find me some bug repellent."

"Okay, I'll get it as quickly as possible," Hijikata replied, beginning to run off.

"Naruto and Sasuke shouldn't be saying stuff like that! And why do you all sound so annoyed? Bug repellent? Am I some kind of bug? A Hasegawa-bug?"

"Fukuchou," Sougo whined. "There's an annoying MADAO over here. Get rid of him."

"Ah, no choice. Hasegawa-bug is our emcee, so we can't kill him/ " Hijikata sighed, grabbing the back of Sougo's - Naruto's - shirt and pulled him towards the centre of the small platform that was so old, it looked like their feet would fall right through it at their next step.

"I'm Uchiha Sasuke. This is Uzumaki Naruto," The vice-commander began, speeding through his words, a hint of a blush on his face as he avoided eye-contact with any of the audience, hoping to get it over and done with. "We're both an anime- " Hijikata coughed, trying to hide the embarrassment creeping through his body, "Couple."

"And Hijika- Sasuke's dying in the manga!" Sougo grinned cheerfully, flashing the most innocent smile possible on the young man's face. Much to Hijikata's mortification, the childish remark caused many people in the audience to chuckle.

"Do you want the bazooka or not?" Hijikata muttered, keeping his voice hushed so that only his partner could hear.

Hasegawa extended out his arm, holding a microphone below their faces, speaking into his own microphone, "I'll just be asking you lovers," Hijikata flinched, "a few questions okay?" MADAO grinned, pushing up his sunglasses higher on the bridge of his nose. "So why do you guys think you make a good couple? How about an answer from Sasuke-san over here?"

The Uchiha cosplayed felt panic rise up his throat as he clenched and unclenched his fists. Think, Hijika- no, Sasuke. Think! Hijikata immediately snapped back to reality when he felt a sharp sting at his side. He looked over his shoulder and saw the shorter subordinate jabbing his elbow against his senior's abdomen. "Now's not the time, Sou-"

"Calm down, Sasuke-san. You look as scared as Yamazaki before he gets beaten up by you and goes," He raised up both arms in a Superman-like manner, "SPARKING!" He looked back up at the older man's handso- disgusting face. Gah. The face. Sougo hated his senior's face. Just one glimpse of it and Sougo would lose all drive to kill the man. He just looked so mature, so confident and sure of himself, something that Sougo envied a lot. He couldn't bear to cut down the man he hated yet respected so much. Blinking, Sougo cleared his mind, ridding himself of these weird, out-of-character monologues, and continued, "Just repeat what I say okay-desuzee?"

Hijikata bit his lip and furiously nodded, leaning in towards the teenager, awaiting help.

"The both of us, Sasuke and Naruto, share a strong bond and friendship. Even with their supposed rivalry, they still care for each other and regard each other as someone much closer than a friend," Sougo whispered.

Hijikata repeated the deep words, throughly impressed.

"And anyway, Naruto's already pregnant with their child and would shit the baby out."

"And anyway, Naruto's already pregnant with- Hold on a minute!" He spun around and grabbed Sougo's shoulders. "Oi! Don't just repeat our whole conversation earlier! And are you trying to make us lose? Huh? Didn't you want that bazooka? What the hell am I here for then, if we're going to spend Valentine's day discussing constipated pregnant men?"

"Maa, maa, Hijikata-san. You see," Sougo was immediately cut off as spectators started applauding, some laughing, a few yaoi fans drooling. One by one, everyone started standing up, vigorously clapping, occasional yells of "Good job!" or "You nailed them perfectly!" coming from the more outspoken audience members.

Toushirou's jaw dropped and he stammered, "O-oi. Sougo. What's going on? Why are people cheering? Oi, Sougo. What did we do? We just talked about you giving birth."

Folding his arms across his chest, the captain smirked, nodding to himself, "Just as planned."

"Like hell you planned this! You just wanted to embarrass me! Don't lie, Sougo!" Hijikata yelled, pointing his index finger at the chestnut-haired man.

"At least on the bright side, we probably won, right-desaa? We should be able to switch our prize for the cheap, useless bazooka," Sougo remarked, grabbing the vice-commander's finger and snapping it it half.

Hijikata immediately clutched his hand, falling to his knees. Of course, he was ignored, especially since MADAO was walking up to them. "Ah, Sasuke, Naruto. I'm really sorry, but the judges decided that they won't count Sasuke and Naruto as a couple. We're afraid you'll be disqualified."

Okita's arms slowly fell limp at his sides, his mouth slightly open, and his knees trembling a little. "Ba-bazooka…" He murmured, almost inaudible to the other two.

Hijikata eyed the teenager who was obviously acting and stood up, turning back to the homeless man and ignoring the throbbing pain in his hand. "Look, the audience obviously liked us the most, so why don't we-"

"Sorry. The judges' decisions are final. I don't want to lose my only job, so I'll have to stick by their orders," Hasegawa-bug said, shaking his head.

Geez, how annoying. Flashing a glance at his junior, he quickly pulled Hasegawa aside and softly negotiated, "Look, can I buy the bazooka in second place?" Why do I bother doing this for that sadistic asshole? "How much is it?"

Hasegawa stared blankly at the smoker. "Bazooka?"

Hijikata rolled his eyes, and buried his face in his palms, "The second place winner's prize."

Hasegawa shot a long, disbelieving stare, making Hijikata squirm a little at his scrutiny. "That was for the pet gorilla beauty contest this morning."

"Dammit, should have brought Kondou-san along," Sougo, who had crept up behind them, muttered.

"Sougo, why the hell are you reacting so calmly? You came all the way here, dragged me along, only to go for the wrong competition? Are you stupid? You're really stupid, Sougo. You must be, right, Sougo?" The furious vice commander spun around, jabbing his finger against MADAO's nose, "And what on Earth's a pet gorilla beauty contest? Beauty? What beauty? And why would people have a pet gorilla, huh?"

"Hijikata-san, what are you talking about? It was all your idea," Okita blatantly lied, his eyes bored and half-lidded. The demonic vice-commander, however, could see the small twitch in the younger man's movement, and the avoidance of eye contact. Sougo was obviously - okay, not that obviously - embarrassed at how he screwed up. Was that even a faint blush on his face?

Hijikata smirked and sighed a little, following Sougo behind him as they walked back slowly to their headquarters. How annoying. Why was it always Hijikata who had to clean up Sougo's messes and make everything okay again? That kid is way too spoiled, Toushirou gritted as he placed a hand on his his subordinate's muscular shoulder.

"Look, I still had a lot - erm, I mean just a little bit, of fun today. It really was quite enjoyable to take a break from duties, right?" Hijikata said hopefully, trying to raise the boy's spirit. "Here, happy Valentine's," Toushirou deadpanned, attempting to sound as uncaring as possible as he tossed a bottle of mayonnaise to the sadist, which the younger man caught easily. "My Valentine's gift for you."

Sougo wrinkled his nose and retorted, "Keep that dog food away from - nggg!" His muffled squeak of surprise came out as Hijikata leaned in and grabbed Sougo's shoulders, pressing his lips against the younger mans'. He slid his right hand up to the base of Sougo's neck and his left hand around his waist. Sougo's eyes widened a little, and then he pressed back, feeling his senior's surprisingly soft lips against his. Sougo tilted his head up so the taller man wouldn't have to bend down so much as they deepened their kiss, Sougo just about to ask for entrance into Hijikata's mouth when Hijikata pulled back, his face flushed as he looked around, realising they were still in public. Slowly, people around them started applauding, until before long, everyone in vicinity of the festival was clapping, even those who had no idea what they were clapping for.

Sougo stare expressionless at the strangers surrounding him, meeting their gazes levelly, though a small dusting of pink was still visible on his cheeks. The vice-commander, however was a different story. His face was a full-blown red, and he fidgeted, avoiding everyone's eyes. He bit his lip and grabbed the captain's arm, running out away from the festival until they were panting.

"Oi. Hijikata. You scaredy cat-desaa," Sougo taunted, pretending as though nothing happened.

"I-I'm not. Just avoiding being a public disturbance," Toushirou stammered.

"Hn. Looks like Sasuke and Naruto really are a couple, huh?" Sougo smirked, looking down at their costumes.

The vice-commander snorted, "I was forced into this outfit. I have no intention of being known as an emo duck ass haired brat with brother issues."

"Otaku Hijikata~" The sadist chanted.

"You damn brat," Hijikata snarled, lunging towards the shorter boy.

"Not brat, it's Naruto-desaa," Sougo corrected. Suddenly, his face brightened up and he hit his fist gently against his other hand's open palm. "Fukuchou, I remembered that I have a Valentine's day gift for you too." He reached inside his jacket and fished out a small, pink, heart-shaped box.

"Chocolates? And in such a girly packaging? Just how cheesy are you, idiot?" Hijikata rambled, barely able to contain the smile spreading across his face.

"It was cheap, Hijikata-san. I don't get paid as much as you," They brown-haired man reminded, trying to find as many opportunities to hint at becoming vice-commander. "I have to go take a piss now, though," Sougo mentioned monotonously, pointing at a few bushes far away. "Enjoy the gift." And then he slowly sauntered off on his quest as a a Hero of Babel.

Waiting until Sougo had completely disappeared from sight, Hijikata eagerly tore open the box, only to find a small straw doll in it. Tick. Tick. Shit! That damn bastard set a trap! He began stumbling away from the box when suddenly his vision turned white and a loud boom was heard.