A/N: The following is the result of a late-night improv writing exercise in which I tried to write the dumbest story possible. Therefore, it might not make any logical sense, gets OOC at times, has super-obscure references and gratuitous swearing, and breaks pretty much all of my usual writing rules. If you can get past all that...enjoy!
PS: 'Yueni' is the Japanese word for 'Hence'.
"…and then, I said 'it's getting hot in here', and sexually frustrated the entire stadium in like 5 seconds!" Logan was recounting his epic tale in the back of a Porsche. He was sitting with his fellow foursome members, Kendall, James, and Carlos. Gustavo and Kelly were sitting in the front of the car, driving the band to God knows where.
"We were there. Like right next to you. We know." Kendall said, being the band's snarker instead of Logan for once.
"I think they wanted me to take my shirt off, not you, Logan." James boasted, knowing that even if an entire stadium told him not to take his shirt off, he'd do it anyway because he's just a dipshit.
"YO MY DOGS!" Gustavo shouted from the front seat even though he was only 2 feet away from them. "STOP BEING STUPID. WE'RE ALMOST AT THE CLUB." He pulled into the parking lot. "YOU IDIOTS CAN'T FUCK UP TONIGHT'S CONCERT. MY REPUTATION DEPENDS ON IT!" He stepped out of the car, the moonlight reflecting off of his hundred dollar plain white Kanye shirt and obnoxiously expensive chains.
Carlos held onto his helmet as he gazed at the venue. "This place looks kinda…different…" He could hear Usher's "Yeah" faintly playing from outside the building, although he didn't mind it much.
Gustavo ripped the helmet off of Carlos' head and threw it into the nearest trash can. "Griffin told me to book you here or he'd burn me alive."
"Can't you just call the cops on him for threatening manslaughter for that?" Logan pondered aloud as the gang walked into da club.
"Not when he's the 4th most powerful CEO in America or whatever the fuck. I can't waste time arguing with a guy that powerful when I have important shit to do, like burning bugs with the reflections off my chain when it's hot out and crap like that. And sometimes I have to write songs."
Kendall sighed, remembering that the music industry is an actual flaming trash heap. "So how long until the show starts?"
"You guys have a half hour to get dressed and get ready." Kelly gestured down the nearest hallway. "Your dressing room is the farthest room to the right." She had her shit way more together than Gustavo.
"Wait…you only could book one dressing room for all four of us?" Logan asked.
"Yeah. Gustavo is cheap as fuck." Kelly said as she questioned how her life led her to this moment. God I wish I got paid more, she thought.
The four twinks rushed over to the wicked small dressing room which they were assigned.
"Can you guys believe you have the privilege of seeing me naked again?" James asked, putting his arms around Carlos and Kendall's shoulders.
Carlos raised one hand. "I can."
"You know what, you guys have fun with that, I gotta go to the bathroom." Logan excused himself. He was really not in the mood for James Diamond's Exhibitionism Hour.
"All right, but you're gonna miss my major-"
"Trust me, I saw it last time." Logan quickly muttered, shutting himself in the nearest bathroom and locking the door. After he heard the other three boys go into the dressing room, he got out his phone and desperately googled "How Could This Happen to Me mp3 download".
After a little while, all of the boys except the bathroom shut-in had put their performance clothes on. Yes, even James, who was currently browsing through his collection of nude selfies. I wonder if I could ever get on a reality show where people across the country would watch me shower, or something.
Realizing that he lacked the presence of someone smarter than him, Kendall took his phone out of his pocket in order to text Logan, who he assumed was taking a monumentally extensive piss. "Yo dude, you missed your chance to stroke our chests. Are you ok?"
"Yeah man, I'm almost done, gimme a sec" was Logan's response. He turned off his Simple Plan; he had finally shook off his emo mood for the night and was in the mood to perform, or so he thought. He slipped out of the bathroom and knocked on the door of the dressing room.
"Let me in!" He shouted.
Carlos came to his rescue, opening the door. He gasped. "Logan! You're alive!"
"Just let me get dressed." Logan walked past him and rummaged through the disgusting pile of used clothes in the middle of the room until he came across his performance clothes. He threw them on in a hurry.
Kelly banged her fist on the door. "You guys aren't fucking around in there are you? Have your sexual tension later, the show starts in 2 minutes!" The more concerts she had to attend, the more Kelly wanted to resort to just eating her feelings.
Kendizzle, Jamez, Carlitos and Logie hurried out of the room, realizing that Gustavo probably wanted to chop their heads off at this point. They ran up to where that man-beast was waiting for them behind the stage.
Gustavo was looking at his diamond encrusted watch, tapping his foot impatiently. "DOGS!" He shouted. "I think the show starts soon. I'm not really sure, I can't actually read this watch." He squinted at it intensely. "Rollie do no ticky, it do the blingy."
"Uh, come again?" Logan asked, convinced he was hearing the voices in his head again.
Gustavo glared at Logan before continuing. "Never mind. The show starts like, now. DON'T FUCK THIS SHIT UP, DOGS!" Gustavo bellowed at the four boys, causing them to cling to each other for a moment before they ran up onto the stage.
"The fuck, these aren't the strippers we ordered." One of the members of the audience muttered before BTR started to sing.
Kendall only needed to sing one line, "Have you ever had the feeling you're drawn to someone", before someone began to pelt him with dollar bills. The rest of the front row began to follow suit.
Carlos gasped. "FREE MONEY!" he shouted, leaping to grab as many of the raining dollar bills as possible.
"CARLOS!" Kendall called, but it was no use, since Carlos was busy stuffing dollar bills in his pockets, and then in his mouth when he ran out of room.
"You have to sing!" James added. Carlos then spit out the dollar bills in his mouth. I'll pick those up later, I guess.
"SOMEBODY JUST POLE DANCE ALREADY!" Someone in the audience yelled.
"What's a pole dance? Can poles dance?" James inquired.
"Logan?" Kendall turned to that fucking nerd. Logan just shrugged.
"Do something, Kendall!" Carlos said, pretending to dance but really just shoving more money in his pockets.
"Uh…" Kendall ran into the nearest pole. He put his hands on the pole, which smelled like when you take out the shitty old change from your purse, and started to grind up his body against it. Is this what pole dancing is? People started screaming at him from the audience so he assumed so.
"DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO GET MORE FREE RAINING MONEY?" Carlos shouted.
"Oooh! I do!" James ran towards the front of the stage where Kendall and the pole were, whipping his shirt off. He threw it off the stage and it promptly whacked some dude straight in the face. That dude just fell on the ground.
"Yeah, I'm about to leave this shitty ass club because they didn't bring in the strippers-" one audience member was talking on the phone as he began to walk out. He looked over at James, who was grabbing a random water bottle off the floor in order to soak himself with it. "Wait hold up, never mind." He hung up the phone.
Kendall kept grinding himself on the pole, getting harder than he would ever admit and starting to moan because of it; truthfully, he didn't really know what he was even experiencing.
Logan gazed at the scene unfolding in front of him. He turned to the nearest wall and slammed his head against it, refusing to budge.
Gustavo, watching from behind the stage, quickly took out a flask of whiskey and just fucking chugged it. "END ME!" He shouted at Kelly. Kelly didn't notice, as she was too busy sobbing in the corner as she attempted to order a quesadilla from GrubHub.
Soon, Logan walked off stage to where Gustavo and Kelly were waiting. "This is a load of crap Gustavo, I'm out." Before either Gustavo or Kelly could convince him to stay, he swiped the keys to Gustavo's Porsche from his back pocket and walked out the door.
As time passed, Kelly couldn't take watching this bullshit anymore. With a quesadilla in one hand, she walked on stage and called out, "Guys, we gotta go."
"But I was just about to offer them lap dances-" James protested as Kelly grabbed his ear and started to pull him off the stage.
"What's a lap dance?" Kendall asked, still struggling to understand the concept of pole dancing.
Meanwhile, Logan was off at the nearest ATM. After he went to the supermarket, bought some toast, and then put the toast in the nearest blender to make some kind of toast drink concoction bs, he wanted to deposit all of the money he had gathered from the floor into his bank account. He paused when he heard his ringtone going off; it was Shakira singing "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains". He took his phone out of his pocket and saw that it was his boi Kendall calling. He totally nutted just thinking about it. Then he answered the phone.
"Hey, Logan, where are you?" Kendall asked.
"Oh, I'm at the ATM a couple blocks down."
"Oh. Kelly dragged me offstage so we gotta go." Kendall sighed. "We'll meet you there."
The rest of the gang stepped out into the parking lot. "SHITFUCK!" Gustavo gustavo'd when he noticed that his Porsche was gone.
Carlos gasped with terror before putting his helmet on.
"Huh, I've never heard that word before. I wonder if Logan would know what it means." James commented. "But where's the car?"
"That bitch ass Logan fuck stole it." Gustavo was steaming. Literally, like steam was coming out of his ears and shit.
Kelly threw her quesadilla wrapper in the trash can. "You mean we have to walk like, 2 blocks down?"
"YYYYYYYYEP." Gustavo said, nodding.
"Welp, gotta go fast, I always say." James started sprinting off towards the left of the club.
"James. That's the wrong way." Kendall corrected that pretty dumbass.
James did a 180 and then started sprinting the other way, not bothering to slow down for anybody else to catch up.
Kendall grabbed Carlos' hand and started to run, leading him in James' direction. "James! You gotta wait for u- oh never mind."
Gustavo watched those dorkwads run off before taking his phone out of his pocket and dialing an Uber.
After a good half hour, James encountered Logan standing at that trashy ass ATM near a gas station. Kendall and Carlos were trailing behind him.
Without saying a word, James grabbed the plastic cup from Logan's hand and doused himself with the toast bullshit. He then gave his wet clothes a look that could only be interpreted as "what the fuck is this crap".
Kendall wasn't as in shape as Carlos and James were, so he collapsed on the side of the road for a sec. He was panting harder than he was when he saw James douse himself like a fucking weirdo nut.
Carlos reached into his hammerspace pocket and pulled out a giant Hefty ™ trash bag filled with all the one dollar bills he collected. "That was so fun! We should do that again, right guys?"
"NOOOOOOO." Kendall groaned. "That was one of the worst experiences of my life, besides the time that this dumbass girl stalked me to Boston and made me sign her CD with one of those crappy green office markers."
"Well, I thought it was fun." Carlos opened his black hole of a bag. "But why were they throwing money at us?"
While Carlos was asking that question, James stuck his hand in the bag and pulled out like 5 bucks. Nobody really noticed.
Logan ignored Carlos' question and snatched the bag from his hands. He then continued to deposit each dollar bill one by one.
Kendall finally got the strength to stand up, and he eyed James and Logan's bulges on the way up. He was totally gonna jerk himself off with his guitar to that later and then write some real poetic Heffer Drive shit.
"Hey can one of you guys help me with this? I wanna get out of here as fast as possible because all the thugs in this area are starting to creep me out." Logan begged as he desperately shoved more dollars into the ATM.
"Don't worry. I'm wicked rough. I trained myself in murderer for like, a year." James put his hands on Logan's shoulder to reassure him.
Momentarily, an Uber pulled up, blasting Lil Wayne's newest mixtape about not loving these hoes or whatever, I wasn't paying attention.
"OH SHIT! IT'S THE THUGS!" Logan scattered his money and hid behind James, hoping that James would use his Murder Magic or something so they wouldn't die.
"MOTHERFUCKERS I'M NOT A THUG!" Gustavo announced as he stepped out of the Uber. He tripped on his Big Ass Chain ™ and faceplanted into the mud. Kelly then stepped out of her end of the Uber after paying the cab driver in some shitty arcade tokens. The driver didn't notice and just drove off.
Gustavo walked over to Logan and wiped his face off on Logan's shirt. Meanwhile, nobody noticed James sneaking off into the void somewhere.
"S-sorry…" Logan whimpered, handing over the keys to Gustavo. Gustavo then ran over to his Porsche and got in. He started revving the car up in order to give the boys the hint that he really wanted to get the fuck back to his mansion or some shit.
Kelly sat in the passenger seat because she's too much of a lesbian icon to sit in the back of the car where the trash thots sit. Yueni, the BT4 crowded themselves together in the back seat. James was the last to get in, as he came running in from the gas station carrying a new thing of hair gel.
"Hey, do any of you guys have a napkin or something?" Logan asked, his soul burning up into ashes.
James took an Usagi handkerchief out of his pretty af pockets and handed it over to Logan.
"Thanks…hey, this thing is cute, what is it?"
Carlos took an identical handkerchief out of his pocket. "Oh, it's the handkerchief from Sailor Moon! James got one for me." He waved it in the air like a helicopter (see: Petey Pablo). "ISN'T THIS KAWAII DESU, MIN'NA?"
Logan scowled. He was too busy being jealous that James got Carlos that kawaii desu shit and not him that he didn't notice Carlos' weird random gratuitous Japanese and also knowledge about Sailor Moon lore. He just decided to not say anything and keep wiping the mud on James' handkerchief.
"It's pretty, right?" James said, nudging Logan as he looked into his handheld mirror.
"Yeah, I gue-"
"Shut up Logan, I was talking to James." James looked intently into his mirror. He probably jerks off to his own reflection. "I'm the prettiest, bitch. That's why I carry this handkerchief, a mirror, and Cuda Man Spray ™ at all times. I am like, so much prettier than you."
Logan rolled his eyes because he was so done with this shit. He started to do the math in his head to try and find out how much money they earned that night. He then started fidgeting. "I could've sworn I counted like 5 more dollars than what I just deposited…crap, did I drop some of the money on the ground? Did any of you guys see?"
"Nope, haven't seen a thing." James pretty'd.
"Wait a sec, James, aren't you allergic to that Cuda stuff?" Carlos asked as he helped wipe off Logan's face with his equally kawaii handkerchief.
"Screw allergies, I'm James. I'm too busy being pretty." James waved his hand, which was starting to turn red and swell up, not that he'd notice.
Carlos grimaced. He knew that if James had to get an allergy shot again, it would not end well.
Kendall, smack dab in the middle, attempted to comprehend whatever the fuck was happening right now. He started to wonder if he breathed in too much weed stank or something in the club and he was just high off his bushy eyebrowed mind. His face was flushed but he was pretty sure that was just because he was squeezed in between Logan, James and Carlos and he just loved that dank ass sparkly foursome he had generated. He wanted to say something responsible and leaderish because it's been a while and he hasn't done his once per episode motivational pep talk yet.
"EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN!" Kendall instinctively shouted, waving his hands in the air like a windshield wiper. Unfortunately nobody in the car knew what the fuck Kendall was doing and didn't get the unintentional Cash Cash reference that Kendall's body language made.
"Nobody was arguing." Logan stated. God I wish I could be reading the dictionary right now.
"Oh, really. Heheh. My bad. I didn't notice. Good job, guys." Kendall gave them a thumbs up. Nailed it. He tried to change the topic in order to distract from his pathetic incompetence. "Y'know, it's getting kind of hot in here-"
"-So take off all your clothes?" Was James' instinctual response. "Is it Strip O'Clock again already?" He reached to pull his shirt off before Logan pushed his hand down.
"Darn." Carlos muttered. He was really looking forward to seeing more of that good James meat.
Kendall tried to look at Logan for reassurance, but Logan was putting on a thick pair of headphones. He thought he heard Hoobastank playing faintly from them. He just decided to hide his red face behind Logan's shoulder and hope that no one would see.
James wistfully looked outside of the Porsche window, his dreams of being an exhibitionist crushed once again. He took the headphones off of Logan's head and wore them himself; he needed to wallow in his own pity for at least a half hour.
Logan sighed. He looked straight ahead, too apathetic to even try taking the headphones off of James' head. As Gustavo and Kelly turned up Lil Wayne's mixtape about being literal shit or poopstains or whatever it was this time, Logan could barely hear his own thoughts.
"YO YO YO!" Logan exclaimed. "Stop the car!"
Gustavo hit the brakes before he could even think about it. "WHAT?" he retorted.
"Fuck this shit, I'm leaving." Logan unbuckled his seatbelt, rolled over James' lap, opened the door and jumped out of the car.
"Wait, don't you wanna come back to the Palm Woods?" Carlos asked.
"I'll meet you there later." He walked towards the nearest Push to Start car, kicked the door until it opened, pushed it to start, and started to drive off into who the fuck knows where.
"How was he able to get that car to start without the key being nearby…?" Kendall wondered aloud.
But it was too late, as Logan was already off on his own adventure and couldn't answer.
James shrugged for a moment before leaning over to shut the door to the car. Gustavo just decided to keep on driving.
Kendall tried dialing Logan's number, but he knew deep down that Logan wouldn't answer.
As for Logan, they never found him. Legend says he's still driving to this day.
Just kidding. He met them at the Palm Woods the next day, Push Start car and all.
The boys just decided to put that incident behind them.