Just Another Day: Birthday
By Red Horseman
Pre-readers
Weltall Elite
Javier Caine
* * * * * * *
"Grey clouds…how typical."
The indifference in my voice doesn't surprise me one bit as I vocalize my observation of what is occurring outside. Turning my head at the sound of murmurs around me, I see the other students looking at me in wonder before my glare reminds them to find something else to satisfy their curiosity. I can understand why my words stunned them because I haven't spoken throughout the whole day except for terse comments. Frowning, I dismiss them and return to my surveillance of the outdoors and the gray blanket hanging over the city. They could never comprehend my feelings or lack of them when it comes to this day, except for that one person.
The whole day I have felt his eyes between my shoulder blades, simply watching my every move and trying to come to terms with my actions. It's become very irritating, yet I can understand why he's doing it. He had stared at me this morning in shock, unable to speak, after I had told him it was just another day, nothing to get excited about. Of all the people I have met throughout my short life he is, I hate to admit, the most like me in past experiences, so he should've understood. As the teacher pauses momentarily at the end of his lecture, I shift in my chair, looking back at Shinji's desk. His dark blue eyes lock onto mine in an instant, even as he continues to type on his laptop, and I know I finally judged him correctly. As we stare at each other, I wonder if I should talk to him, try to explain my feelings, but when the bell rings I break eye contact with him.
I go through the whole end of day ritual with the teacher without thinking, my body on automatic while my mind is on another subject. Gathering up my books and computer, I pack them away in my backpack and stride towards the door, knowing I had no extracurricular activities or duties to attend to. Passing Hikari's desk, I shake my head slightly when she stands to follow me wherever I'm going to, but I just want to be alone for the time being. She's a good friend and I can talk to her about so many things, but it's just at the moment I don't want to talk with anyone. Or maybe it's I just can't talk with anyone about…
"Asuka!"
My head drops forward in defeat and I turn. "What is it, Shinji?"
"I was just wondering if you're going to be home tonight?" He asks quietly after stopping in front of me.
"Yes."
Despite my answer to his inquiry neither of us moves, instead we continue to stand in the middle of the hallway. It's only when a group of girls passes by giggling and glancing at the two of us that I finally decide to move. Nodding at Shinji, I turn on a heel and step away from him, only to stop abruptly when he gently grabs my arm. I feel his hand trembling as he holds me in place, and ignore my own body's reaction. He's only touched me a few times in the last year, always when he knows it's the only way to get my attention or when words aren't enough.
"Do you want to talk?"
'Why does he have to be like this, I hate it!' My mind screams at the kindness of his voice. "Not at the moment."
"Okay." With that word he releases me and I hear him start to walk away.
"Shinji…" He stops. "I have my phone with me. If…if I decide I want to talk I'll call."
- - - -
Even if I had acquiesced to Shinji's request and allowed him to accompany me on my little trek, I still wouldn't know how to put my feelings into words. Around the world, people place great significance on certain dates of a person's life, especially a person's date of birth, which had taken on even greater importance after Second Impact. Great parties are thrown for that person with friends and relatives gathering to celebrate the passage of another year in one's life. So how would I even begin to tell anyone that I just don't care about my birthday, that I feel a complete lack of emotions for this day?
Sitting down in the wet grass and ignoring the rain, I stare out across the shrouded city, the buildings surreally drifting in and out of my vision like ghosts of metal and stone. I remember when I felt like the buildings, simply wanting to fade out of existence, out of everyone's mind and be forgotten, but not anymore. A year can have a profound affect on a person's life, making them throw up a wall around themselves or start breaking down that wall. But just because someone starts to tear down the wall around his or her heart doesn't mean it can be done in one year. I've become more open, more patient with people around me, yet that doesn't mean I'll spill my guts or just come out and tell a personal secret.
And anyways, the number of people that I could tell a secret to is a relatively small number being only Hikari, Misato, and…Shinji. It's amazing I can even include Shinji in that list considering how I treated him before we regained consciousness on that lonely beach. I'm ashamed at how arrogant I acted, and how harsh I was to everyone around me after mama died. Approaching Shinji to ask him what he had experienced and to tell him what I had gone through was the toughest thing I had ever done, but I knew I had to do it. Dying and being reborn was the harshest lesson I had ever been taught, showing me that I was foolish in trying to reject others. Since that day we've talked, sharing bits and pieces of our pasts yet still holding something back from each other, still afraid of being hurt.
Despite how different we are, I guess I'm sometimes like Rei when it comes to emotions, feelings and people. I still don't know what makes someone shut out any emotion concerning certain occasions or dates of importance? Is it because there was never any positive emotions shown at the event or maybe a person saw that others were just going through the motions, pretending to be happy when in fact they wanted to be somewhere else? Or is it that an occasion meant to be joyous had been surrounded by misery and pain thus a person can't help but shut out any emotion? I guess looking back on my past, the truth is all of the above and yet at the same time, none of them. Sometimes a person just withdraws into himself or herself, having been hurt by those around them that they throw up a wall around their heart. Pain makes people do strange things, and I'm no exception in this world.
And it's not like people would ever accept the fact a child is so smart and observant to know when adults are faking emotions. They wouldn't believe it, even with my I.Q, instead telling me I was just a kid who had her entire life to learn about people. Each time I told them to leave me alone, that they didn't understand me, they told me I didn't know what I was saying. I've learned that too many adults would rather ignore the situation, hoping it resolves itself without them becoming involved when the opposite is needed. They view the world in absolutes, where children are innocent until they become adults, and issues are black and white, instead of the truth that everything is gray. Their solutions never fit the problem, only its effects.
"People are so stupid," I state to the clouds.
"No, they're not."
The voice and the jacket that is placed over my shoulders are complete surprises, and I start at the sudden intrusion. My eyes narrow in anger as I realize who has intruded upon my quiet solitude. At times he is like a lost puppy following me wherever I go because I took pity on him and fed him. Yet deep down I know that isn't the case that he is here because he cares and is worried about me. Still, I told him specifically that I'd call him if I wanted to talk, not for him to follow. So my eyes hold a little anger as I look up and over my shoulder at him.
"I thought I told you I'd call if I wanted to talk, Shinji."
He doesn't do or say anything instead he stares back at me with clear eyes and a slight frown. I watch as he moves to one side and slowly lowers himself next to me, drawing his legs up and wrapping his arms around them. Even from where I sit I can see his eyes go distant as he tries to see what I was looking at, trying to figure out what I was thinking. Seconds later he shakes his head and releases a slow breath before turning to look at me with sad eyes.
"It's been three hours," he tells me.
"It can't be…I just left school."
Despite my denial I stare at my watch hoping that Shinji is wrong in how much time has passed, but he isn't. My free hand grips at the grass as I breathe slowly trying to calm myself. So many things about my past anger or frighten me whether it was mama or when I was fighting the Mass Produced Evangelions, yet there is one other thing I try not to think about. The five days that I wandered through the ruins of Tokyo-3 and my catatonia frighten me the most because I can't remember anything during that time. And despite Misato's reassurances about the only thing happening was my attempt at starvation, I have this thought that maybe something horrible happened and I don't want to remember it, like what I did with mama. So when I can't remember doing anything for extended lengths of time it scares me.
"So why are people stupid?"
His voice again breaks my train of thought and I look over at him, my hand relaxing. "They just are, okay."
"But…"
"No buts, Shinji!" I close my eyes at his expression. "It's not that you wouldn't understand, you would. I just don't think I can properly put my thoughts to words."
"Okay."
Even with my eyes closed I know he has a thoughtful look on his face as he tries to think of another tactic to get me talking. It's something I'm familiar with because I've used it over the past year when trying to get Shinji to talk about something sensitive. I've learned that there is a time to be direct and a time to be subtle, mainly because I don't like it when people are blunt to me. So I shouldn't be surprised that Shinji has learned the same technique. I can feel a faint smile form as I wonder how he's going to get me to open up.
"Kind of cold and dreary today, isn't it?" he asks.
'So it'll be the weather approach.' I think yet I don't feel my walls hardening at the thought. "Yeah."
"This weather doesn't make for a very happy day, does it?"
"Nope." I crack one eye to see his reaction to my response and I'm surprised by the intensity of his frown but his face calms quickly.
His voice is a whisper, full of emotion when he speaks. "Back in school you commented on gray clouds being typical." He pauses, his fist tightening and relaxing. "Does that mean…"
"I've never had a bright birthday?" I finish for him.
"Yeah."
I lean back on my good arm and stare up at the sky. "No," I answer, frowning at the memories. "It's always rained or snowed on this day. If there was day that the sun shined in a clear sky, I can't…remember."
"It's not fair," he says, a little anger seeping into his voice.
Of course, it's not fair, but I don't say anything out loud for his sake. I can already figure out Shinji thinks that just because it's my birthday the sun should be shining or the skies clear of clouds, which is totally stupid. Why should the weather be cooperative just because it happens to be someone's birthday? It's not like it is a sentient being that can change its habits to suit the current situation. And besides, after so many years of dreary weather on this day I've grown used to it. It's almost comforting to know that I'm not the only one having to suffer, even if everyone else just has to deal with rain and not memories.
As the rain begins to fall harder, I pull the jacket tighter about my body glad for the extra protection it provides. Glancing at the boy at my side I see him mimicking my actions, and wait for him to pull out an umbrella. But he doesn't and I feel a surge of anger at his forgetfulness or maybe I should call it stupidity since he obviously went back to the apartment for the jackets. Yet I feel my anger die just as fast as it sprang up, and despite my soaking clothes I do nothing except continue to sit on the wet grass, feeling the water soaking my skirt. I don't want to move because I don't want to go back to our apartment, to retreat into my room and wait for this day to be over with. I don't want to be alone, I finally admit to myself. And despite my frustration with him at times, Shinji is nice to be around.
"Well, I guess your family must of thrown you some nice parties to make up for the weather," he suddenly speaks up, cheerful.
"No, they didn't." My voice is a low, dangerous growl. "My family…"
"Sorry."
I'm sure he is truly sorry for his slip but I don't notice it. My fingernails come close to breaking as I dig my fingers into the soil, my anger threatening to overwhelm me. No, it's not anger but hatred as old memories that I had thought I buried surface at the word family. For many people that word brings up memories of security, of being surrounded by those people who love you, of people who'll be there for a person when problems arise. But for me, all that word brings to mind is betrayal and pain.
"Asuka!"
Shaking my head angrily at his shout, I regain control of my hate and look over at him. "I'm sorry," I tell him at seeing the worry on his face as he withdraws his hand. "It wasn't your fault."
"Yes, it was," he replies.
"No, it's not," I state, firmly. "My family…"
I really don't know what I'm going to tell him about my family and what happened on my birthday in the past. I've told him what happened to mother and how I found her again after so much time, but I've never told him about the problems in my family. He doesn't know how my father cheated on mama, meeting his mistress while she was working on the Evangelion. Or how mother started spending more and more time at the laboratory, not wanting to come home and fight with father. How would I tell him that after mama died my father and stepmother had no interest in celebrating my birthday? He would be sad and angry, but they're either dead or LCL so there would be nothing he could do to voice his displeasure with them.
"My family had problems," I state quietly. "They lost interest in me after mama's death, and I wanted to be left alone at the same time." My smile has to be mocking at that thought. "I told myself that if they didn't care then I wouldn't either. So when my birthday came around I made sure I wasn't around the house." A tear slid down my cheek and my voice threatened to break. "I treated it like just another day, nothing special about it."
"It hurt, didn't it?"
My cheeks heat up as his hand grips mine. "Yes."
"I should've of remembered what you told me of your mother," he says, his own cheeks pink yet he doesn't move his hand.
"You should have," I scolded. "Especially with what you've told me about your past."
It was the wrong thing to say as his face goes blank and he nods slowly. I just wanted to drive home the point of what I was saying about my family and birthday because he went through the same thing. He told me on his birthday about the lack of love and emotion from his caretakers in the past, of how they went through the motions but never with feeling. At that moment when he spoke of how he acted, of feeling empty and worthless inside it cemented the realization of how alike we truly were. And it both scared me and thrilled me to learn that knowledge because I found someone I could tell things I wouldn't tell others for lack of understanding, like my mother. Hikari doesn't know a thing of my past and I want to keep it like that. That is why we're here on a wet hillside and why I want to talk, even if he has to drag out it out of me.
"Shinji," I begin tentatively. "I'm sorry for saying…"
He shakes his head and turns toward me, a smile on his face. "Don't be. I know you're not trying to hurt my feelings."
I smile back and giggle a little. It's amazing how different he is from the boy I met on the carrier, and yet at the same time he is the same. He no longer runs away from painful situations but he is still considerate of others feelings.
"What about your time with Kaji?" inquired Shinji moments later, watching my reaction.
"You sure know how to make someone miserable."
"Sorry, it's just that…"
"Kaji," I murmur, my smile gone as I remember the man I used to have a crush on. I don't want to answer but I want these demons gone from heart and mind. "He'd take me out to dinner, give me a small present, and at the end of the night we'd eat some cake." My arm tightens around my legs. "That's if he wasn't gone on official NERV business."
"How many times did you two celebrate your birthday?" His voice is pitched just right; he wanted to know but was dreading my answer.
"Twice. In five years he was only around…twice." My voice cracks at the end as the pain returns and I squeeze my eyes shut stopping the tears before they slide down my cheeks. "I know it's selfish, but I always wanted a party like the ones thrown for other people. A stupid wish considering my people skills, who would I've invited and besides…" Bitterness overpowers my previous sorrow. "NERV and school never cared about my birthday."
"What'd they do?"
"Don't be stupid, Shinji!" I whip my head to the side at my outburst to see him frowning. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" He shakes his head slightly and his frown is replaced with a smile.
Sighing, I lean back until I come to rest on the wet ground, staring up at clouds, and ignoring the aches in my joints. Out of the corner of an eye I see Shinji copying my actions except that he doesn't have a damaged arm to contend with. At that thought I glance down at the twisted limb encased in a plastic sheath laying across my torso, memories of how it happened flitting about the edges of my mind. Not wanting to deal with them I turn my head, staring at Shinji.
"They always made sure that I had something to do on my birthday," I said. "Since my birthday was near the end of the semester there was always some project, paper or experiment that had to be completed. And if it wasn't any of those there were always the teachers who put in last minute tests right before finals." Shinji shakes his head, probably trying to imagine what I had to do. "It was a major pain back then. I was always busy on my birthday but I really didn't mind at the time."
"And NERV?" he asks, worry evident in his voice.
I close my eyes, composing my thoughts and when I speak it's with an empty voice. "NERV," I begin bitterly, they're the ones responsible for so much pain.
"If it wasn't one thing it was another. It was like they enjoyed seeing what the limit of my patience was back then." Shinji nods at that. "I absolutely hated my birthday because I never knew what they had in store for me." He's laughing, well chuckling at the least. "Don't laugh, it wasn't fun."
"Asuka, it couldn't have been that bad," he replies, turning on his side to look at me.
"Let's see. One year they decided to see how long I could maintain my link with Unit-02. I was in the entry plug for over ten hours!" My frown grows deeper at the next thought. "And if that wasn't bad enough they decided to give me a full physical afterward. To see if there were any side effects to long synch times or that was their excuse." At the next memory my face burns and I don't want to tell him but he's looking at me, waiting. "Another year they decided on a mock attack drill."
"What's so bad about that?"
"What's so bad about that?" I ask in an embarrassed voice. "I had to do it in my nightgown, you idiot! They staged it just when I was about to go to bed and they didn't give me time to change. Four hours of fighting simulated Angels and a human army in a wet…" I stop feeling my cheeks heat up even more and see him blushing. "It was thoroughly embarrassing, especially being twelve."
The blush deepens as he smiles. "So that explains your sleeping attire."
"Yeah," I whisper. "And you know what happened last year."
My body jerks involuntary as the seals on that memory are broken again and it comes out of hiding. Just like when I found mama's body everything is crystal clear for that day, the day my mind was raped. The pain of being violated, of having every memory exposed to that thing, of being unable to resist as it showed me everything I had buried I will never forget. I'm crying as I remember the shame it caused me as my life and my philosophy were ripped apart, showing me how childish and worthless I truly was.
"Let it go, Asuka," a kind voice whispers in my ear. "You're not alone this time."
He keeps repeating his words as his hand strokes my back gently. With some effort, I push the memory back into the recesses of my mind and locking it away for the time being. As the pain of that day fades I feel myself calming and trying to reestablish my composure but it's too late for that as I wipe at my tears and nose. Shinji loosens his hug and backs away so I turn and look at him. He has a sad smile as he looks at me and I flinch slightly when he reaches for me. My face heats up again when he gently wipes away the tears on my cheeks.
"I can't do anything about the past," he begins, his voice full of emotion. "And I can't erase your memories, Asuka." He stands and offers me his hand.
"Shinji?"
"I wish I could make you happy, but only you can do that." He took my hand in his and helped me to my feet. "But I can try."
- - - -
I really hate having my own words used against me, even if the person is only paraphrasing them. It's not like I would forget telling Shinji the same thing last year during Third Impact, and having them shot right back at me by Rei. Still that doesn't change the fact that I don't know what he truly meant and I didn't exactly have the chance to ask him. Our walk back to the apartment had been relatively quiet with neither of us in the mood to really talk anymore. I had said my piece and given more of my past away to my friend and by the time I had decided to ask him it had been too late.
My reflection smiles back at me as I remember the fit Misato had thrown when we had walked through that door. She had been both scared and mad at our appearance, especially mine. I had been blue and shaking from the cold, before she had commanded me to get out of my wet clothes and take a hot bath. The smile dies as I remember the dull ache that had permeated my body, which I had only noticed when I had slipped into the hot water. I shouldn't have been out in the rain and cold for so long without a jacket but I hadn't cared at the moment. And I hadn't really wanted to think of what the cause of that ache was if I had remembered.
I trace a finger over a three-inch scar on my right breast, noting the lack of feeling of the gray tissue. All the experts have been unable to explain the exact nature of the wounds caused by the fake Lances of Longinus. Some of the wounds would never be healed or repaired such as my arm or the damaged parts of my lungs. But others that should have been permanent aren't-like my eye-yet that isn't any solace for me. I've been marked, gray lines crossing my body both front and back, and everyone knows it.
"Asuka," a voice interrupts. "I'm coming in okay."
"Don't! I'm not…"
My shout and grab for a towel is too late as my door slides open and Misato quickly steps through it before closing it behind her. She opens her mouth to say something when she notices my lack of clothing but shuts it quickly. She briskly crosses the distance between us and as she takes my hand in hers, the smile she gives me is tinged with worry just like her eyes. But it doesn't anger me like it would've in the past; I now know the difference between pity and understanding. And I know Misato and Shinji would never pity me.
"What's the matter?"
I avert my eyes. "Nothing."
"Please Asuka," she begs as she lifts my chin. "Don't mope, it doesn't suit you."
"I can't help it, today just…"
"Sucks," she finishes with a chuckle.
"Yeah."
I'm relieved, sort of, when she nods her head at my response before I move toward my dresser. Unlike Shinji or Hikari who are always inquiring about how I'm doing, what I'm thinking or wanting to know something of my past Misato is different. She takes a passive role in our relationship, waiting for me to say something, to get the ball rolling to say the least unless it's to give a lecture on dealing with people or other topics. Yet it is her passiveness that scares me at times, like she truly doesn't care for me or isn't really interested in my life, but I know that isn't true. She is always there for Shinji or me, a person who'll calmly sit there and listen, never being judgmental to us or reaching conclusions until we're done talking. And that is why I know she truly cares because she'll always be there at the crucial times for me.
"Do you want some help with those?" she asks innocently, pointing in my direction.
I drop my gaze and feel my face heat up as I see she's pointing at the clothes in my hand. "You're not serious are you?" I groan as she nods her head. "Thanks, but no thanks, Misato. I can do it myself."
"There's nothing wrong with accepting some help every now and then, Asuka."
"I can do this alone," I state, turning around. "I have to do this by myself. If I can't dress…"
If I can't dress myself then I'll lose all the independence I've gained in the last years, and all my self worth. I'll have become a dress-up doll; dependent on others to dress me in clothes just so I can go out into the world, and everyone will know it. I won't let that happen to me, I can't let it happen, my pride won't allow me to suffer such humiliation. So I've learned to endure the pain over the last year as I figured out how to work with one arm doing things that require two limbs. Sure my clothes are slightly rumpled when I finish but I can look in the mirror with satisfaction, knowing that I did it myself, that I'm not dependent on someone else for something so simple. And so when I turn back around to Misato it's with a smirk on my face, only to see her smiling back.
Suppressing a groan, I move to the chair she has pulled out and sit down, watching as she grabs up a nearby pick and brush. Humming to herself, Misato starts on my hair, her hands deftly unsnarling the various knots and tangles with the pick then following through with the brush. My heart aches as I recognize the tune, Kaji had always been humming it when he was in a good mood and I guess it was only natural that Misato would've picked it up, yet I don't ask her to stop. Though I have to dress myself because of my pride, there are things that I like having other people do for me, my hair being one of them. Closing my eyes, I lean back relaxing in the chair as I let my tension drain losing myself to the warmth of the room and the gentle touch of my guardian.
"Wake up, Asuka." A voice whispers in my ear.
I slowly open my eyes to see Misato next to me. "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"It's all right, but you still have to get dressed."
"For what?" I ask groggily, coming to my feet and stretching.
"Dinner, of course." She looks at me quizzically. "Did you really think we wouldn't celebrate your birthday?"
"No," I answer, moving to my dresser for some slacks, but Misato clears her throat at my action. "What?"
"I already picked up your present, it's in the closet."
Where Shinji couldn't lie to save his life, Misato can never pull off being an innocent soul, so it is with dread that I open the door to my closet. I know all the dresses that I own, after all the number is small after having thrown a lot away it isn't that hard to commit them to memory. There's the yellow sundress I bought before coming to Japan, a white dress with flowers, and the green dress I bought for my only date in Tokyo-3. Next are my junior and high school uniforms, and the blue dress I wore for Shinji's birthday, and then there are some skirts I bought during the Angels but haven't worn since. So the black evening dress that is hanging in front of me is a complete surprise.
"You didn't have to…"
"Yeah, right," she retorts, reaching past my shoulder and grabbing the dress. "You haven't bought yourself any new dresses or anything that shows off your natural beauty lately. You deserve this, okay."
"Beauty," I mumble. "Maybe a long time ago, but not…
"Don't even finish that sentence, young lady."
I avert my gaze, not wanting to see the fire in Misato's eyes that appeared from my comment. The scars I've learned to live with are the same ones that have caused me so much torment at school. I have never cared for the boys at school, they're too immature for my tastes and fixated on one thing, so I don't really care that they've stopped writing letters to me. And the girls I've relatively ignored except for the few who I can call my friends. Yet there is only so much a person can take before their defenses start to crack or their self-image begins to waver, and I'm no different. The teasing, taunts, and being called a freak because of my wounds hasn't affected me to the point where I'll transfer or breakdown and cry but I have reacted to them despite myself. I don't flaunt my body like I used to instead I wear a lot of slacks and long sleeves, and because of my arm I can't swim so I don't own a swimsuit.
"You're still beautiful, Asuka," Misato says as she lifts my chin. "Don't believe what others say about you."
"That's easy for you to say."
"I don't think you're ugly. Hikari and Rei wouldn't think that nor would the other two Stooges if you pressed them." She grins mischievously. "Shinji doesn't care what you look like and once he sees you in this dress…" Her grin grows at the thought of his reaction. "So what's it going to be?"
Despite myself I smile back. "All right, you win, Misato."
"I just love winning," she gloats. "Now let's get going."
- - - -
"Damn it."
With a frustrated huff, I roll onto my back, my uninjured arm brushing hair from my eyes before resting on my forehead, after reading the glowing numbers of my alarm clock. I really hate not being able to sleep at night, unable to let the troubles of reality fade from my mind and revel in dreams. Besides, when I don't get enough rest my temper is even shorter and I find myself snapping at my friends or wasting a perfectly good day brooding. Closing my eyes, I take slow deep breaths, trying to slow my heartbeat and let my tension drain in the hope that I'll be able to drift off to sleep yet the moment I think I'm going to reach that state my eyes pop open.
It's not my fault I can't fall asleep tonight, that falls squarely on Misato and Shinji's shoulders. They made it sound simple enough, and I wasn't in the mood to interrogate them, when all they said was that we had reservations at one of the exclusive restaurants in Tokyo-3. I really should've suspected something on the drive over when Misato was unusually quiet, neither chatting away like normal nor asking Shinji or me what we had been doing after school. And Shinji must have rehearsed his role because he didn't give anything away while we talked, though that might have been because of my dress. Yet like I've said before, this is just another day, and I had gone out to dinner before with Kaji on this day, so my defenses were down.
Sitting up, I turn on the lamp on my desk, blinking at the sudden light. The surprise party had truly been a surprise despite the look of horror that must have been on my face when they opened the doors to the darkened private room. While most people would count ten guests as being a small number for a birthday party, I didn't. Yet what mattered the most wasn't the number of people, the dinner or even the gifts but that everyone was there because they wanted to be. As I had talked with my friends and colleagues I noticed it was different from before, that they weren't there out of obligation, pressure or any negative reasons that had surrounded my birthday years ago. They were there because they're my friends and wanted to celebrate my birthday, nothing more, and that made me happy.
And because misery loves company, I decide since he was the cause of the same happiness that is keeping me awake, Shinji should share my sleepless night. Slipping on a housecoat to keep warm, I step out into the hallway pausing to hear the snores coming from Misato's room before making my way to the door down the corridor, and opening it. I know he came home with me, and that he wouldn't leave without informing one of us so his empty room is mildly puzzling. Shrugging my shoulders, I know there are only four places he could be in the small apartment: the bathroom, kitchen, living room, or the balcony.
"Couldn't sleep either?"
My voice startles him, having been engrossed by what he was watching on the television that he hadn't heard me approaching, and he looks up at me. There is enough light coming from the screen that I can see the embarrassed look on his face, even as he nods at my question and gestures at the spot next to him on the floor. I step over his legs, flashing a brief smile before lowering myself next him and crawling under the thick blanket that he brought from his room. We both shift around until we're comfortable, the comforter covering our bodies as we turn our attention back to the television.
I really shouldn't be surprised by the images of the party being shown; after all I remember the camera that had been in the background the whole evening. Still it's surreal to watch myself being happy, chatting away with Hikari or some other person with no worries, like it's not truly me but another redhead who looks like me. Yet I know it isn't true, that it's really me who's smiling and joking with my friends. And because I can watch this night over and over again, I know that it wasn't a dream or my imagination. So I watch silently, a small smile on my face, the scenes that I won't ever forget.
"You know you looked very nice in that dress," Shinji says quietly.
My smile grows at his compliment. "Thank you. I guess Misato was right in telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself."
"She said that?"
"Not in those exact words," I reply. "And she was right. I was being stupid for so long, but not anymore." Out of the corner of my eye, I see Shinji nod. "And I'm glad that you think I look good in it."
"I've never thought you looked…"
His voice cuts off in mid-sentence and his body goes rigid as I rest my head gently on his shoulder. It's funny how such a simple act can have such a large impact on two people I think as I wait. This isn't like the hugs we've shared in the past year, the ones showing each other that was someone else to share the pain with. My body tenses briefly as I realize it's the middle ground and I want to see how he reacts, how I react to my own gesture. So I let out a sigh of relief when he relaxes, leaning toward me until his head touches mine.
"Did you have fun tonight?" he whispers.
I wait, watching myself blow out the candles on my cake. "Yeah."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes," I answer without hesitation.
My breathing quickens as I feel his fingers glide over my forearm and make contact with the top of my hand. Both of us are trembling when I twist my hand, and let his fingers intertwine with mine. The video is forgotten as I gently squeeze his hand, feeling the smooth skin of his palm against mine as he reciprocates the gesture. Neither of us moves or say anything, the only sounds in the room are the hum of the television and our breathing. I don't know, or care, how long we sat there in silence, only leaning against each other and holding hands, it didn't matter. My eyes are getting heavy and I feel myself slowly falling asleep yet Shinji's next words are crystal clear, words I won't forget.
"Happy birthday, Asuka."
* * * *
Not much to say except that sometimes art imitates life. And that I've been holding onto this story since November.
All comments welcome at eva_pilot9@doramail.com