Dear Carlos, Kendall and James,
By the time you read this I have happily burned my insides to death with just a small bottle of Ethanol. Yes, happily, because my life was a living hell. I just wanted to let you know that it's not your fault, you guys have been good friends to me. If I didn't have all these insecurities and had to go through this pain everyday I'm sure I would've been just fine with you guys. Don't worry about all the school work, I already finished half of it and for the other half you just have to do some tests, or other things that have to be done at that specific time, which I obviously can't do for you. Tell Katie and momma Knight that I'm sorry.
Logan
The three boys stared at the letter, still processing what they just read. Logan committed suicide. Logan committed suicide. The boy that got dragged out of the toilet with the bottle still in his hands was Logan. The boy that had been taken to the hospital, even though it was already too late, was Logan. Their friend, of who they thought had just gone home because he was feeling a little ill, had locked himself up in the toilet with a bottle of.. some kind of dangerous liquid, and drank it, to kill himself, to put a permanent end to all his misery, to put a permanent end to his own life.
Kendall was the first to react. He took Logan's last letter in his hands and ripped it apart, then threw the remaining pieces on the ground. He stood up, hands gripping in his own hair, while he kicked the nearest thing within his reach and screamed out every curse word that he knew. "Fuck Logan! Why! Why didn't you say anything about it! We could've helped you! Fucking asshole!" the usual calm leader yelled. He walked to the door, destroying as much as he could on his way to it, and left the room.
The next one was James. However, instead of going on a rampage like his blond friend, James started to sob. Quietly at first, but they grew louder within seconds, and soon the tears were streaming down his face. He wanted to stop but couldn't, he tried to rub the tears away but they returned immediately. The pretty boy sniffed to keep the tears from dripping out of his nose, but soon gave up and pulled a tissue out of his pocket to blow his nose with. He turned his head to Carlos, who was still staring at his hands where Logan's letter was a few minutes ago. James shook his head, attempted to dry his cheeks again and made his way to his bedroom.
Carlos was lost in his thoughts, and had no idea what was going on around him. He didn't notice how his mouth hung open while he read the letter; he didn't notice Kendall ripping Logan's letter out of his hands and tearing it apart; he didn't notice how the leader of the group destroyed at least two glasses, three flower pots and one picture before leaving the room; he didn't notice when James started to cry, nor when he walked to his bedroom, only to cry even more. He didn't notice anything.
All that he could think about was Logan. This had to be a joke, there was no way that Logan out of all people would kill himself, while he was suppose to be the smartest of the four friends. It had to be one of those jocks that always tried to make Carlos look stupid, because Logan was always there to defend him. However, Carlos knew that it wasn't possible because he could easily recognize Logan's handwriting, as they spent countless of nights together because the Latino needed the genius' help with homework.
Why? Why would Logan commit suicide? He knew that Logan wished his parents would have shown from time to time that they actually cared about him, but he had Kendall, James and Carlos right? Apparently that wasn't enough, but why? Carlos wished that, whenever Logan would've seemed upset, he continued to ask and beg for Logan to tell him what was wrong, instead of just assuming that it had something to do with school and homework with which Carlos couldn't help, like he always did. He wished that he had been more of a best friend instead of a good friend, he wished he had the guts to tell Logan exactly how much he cared about him, but it all was too late now. Carlos would never be able to see Logan smile again; he would never be able to hear him laugh; he would never be able to see the proud look on the genius' face whenever Carlos got a difficult answer right; he would never be able to touch Logan again and feel his warm skin against his own; he would never be able to hear him talk. Worst of all, he would never be able to spent time with Logan, which always used to cheer the Latino up.
Kendall let out a relieving sigh when he returned. He had gone out for a walk, and when he found a quiet place he had screamed, stomped and punched all his anger out of him, and it felt great. However, now all his anger was gone there was only sadness left, and he had been crying the whole way back. He rubbed his eyes furiously before opening the door, because he didn't want his friends to see how weak he was. As the leader of their group, he had to stay strong for James and Carlos, especially right now, because they needed him more than ever. "Carlos? James? Lo-.." he said, but stopped when he noticed that he wanted to call out Logan's name too, even though he knew that he would never see the genius alive again. The blond sighed again, but this time it was out of frustration. He closed the door behind him and walked into the room, looking around for James and Carlos.
"Carlos". Carlos' head abruptly turned to the sound of his name. He tried to hide the blade in his hands, but he knew he was too late when he watched Kendall's eyes widen. "James? James! Come quickly!" Kendall yelled, and within seconds a door flew open and the pretty brunet rushed out of it. James wanted to ask what was wrong, but the words died in his throat when his eyes landed on the blade that was still in Carlos' hands. "N-no, it's not.. I just.." Carlos stuttered, looking down at the ground in shame. He took a deep breath, trying to explain his actions again but was cut of by the blond who hugged him tightly. "Please don't Carlos.." he mumbled against the Latino's hair. "Carlos… we can't afford losing you too.." James added, joining the hug and taking the blade from Carlos' hand. "'m sorry guys.. B-but.. I just miss him so much already.." the smallest boy sobbed, hugging his two best friends tightly, scared that, if he let them go, he'd lose them too. "We do too Carlos.." the pretty boy sniffed. "But.." Kendall started, taking a small break to collect himself to stay strong, "As long as the three of us stick together.. we'll be able to get through this.. I'm sure of it".
The three friends stared at the tombstone in front of them. It has been exactly a year since their friend, Logan, had committed suicide by drinking toxic. Carlos rubbed his eyes as memories of his best friend filled up his mind. Kendall moved his arm around Carlos, ruffling his hair a little before placing it on the smaller one's shoulder. The leader turned his head to give Carlos a friendly kiss on his head. James, who was standing on the other side of Carlos, snuck his arm around the Latino's waist and leaned his head against Carlos'. "I miss you Logan, we all miss you.. I wish you were here with us every day.." Carlos whispered, staring at momma Knight's flowers which they just lay down on the grave. Kendall too a deep breath, held it in for a few seconds and then sighed it out. "I'm sorry that we haven't been the friends you needed" he said quietly. "I'm sorry that we never protected you from the bullies.." James mumbled, staring at the ground. Carlos sighed and started to smile a little. "But we know that you're at a better place now, and we hope that you're reunited with your brother. And we know that you've been keeping an eye on us" he said, his smile growing bigger. "Without you we damn sure wouldn't have been able to finish all of our schoolwork. All of our classmates have been complaining about how much work they had to do, and thanks for leaving notes in our textbooks in case we didn't understand the subjects, they really helped a lot" Kendall chuckled. "Especially for me" James laughed, shaking his head a little. Carlos smiled at his two best friends, and then remembered there was something he wanted to show Logan. He searched in the pockets of his jeans, and smiled brightly when he found it. "Look Logan, I found your old necklace a few days ago" the Latino said, staring at the object in his hand. He took a few steps forward, slipping away from his friends' arms, and moved his hands to the back of his neck to remove his own necklace. "This is for you, I want you to have my necklace, so I can wear yours". Carlos placed his necklace close to the tombstone, and then put Logan's one around his neck. "I hope that you're not worrying about me too much, because I'm doing fine. This past year I've been tempted to do a lot of bad things, but James and Kendall always reminded me that it's not what you've wanted me to do" the smallest boy confessed. Kendall stepped forward so he was standing next to his raven haired friend again. "He's even planning to help suicidal kids because of you" Kendall smiled proudly at Carlos. "Or he wants to go to med school, he can't decide yet" James snickered, stopping next to Carlos at the other side. "And these two here are planning to become famous pop stars" the Latino laughed. "And we're damn sure gonna make it!" Kendall answered. "So we can write songs for kids like you Logan" James added. "And then end up at my clinic because you were attacked by a group of fangirls" Carlos snickered. The three friends burst out laughing, and then fell into a comfortable silence. "I hope you're happy now Logan, you deserve it" Carlos smiled after a while. Kendall grabbed his backpack and took out three letters. He gave one to James, one to Carlos and kept the last one to himself. All three of them placed their letters on Logan's grave at the same time, smiling. They looked at each other, and nodded, making their way back home, but not before taking one last glance at their friend's grave.
Dear Logan,