Author's Note: While I was working on a few of my other writings, this popped in my head. Writing this helped me piece together some of my own stuff and this helped me- sort of like a vent outlet. I'm not sure if I want to keep it a ONE-SHOT or not, but I'd love to hear your thoughts about whether it should remain a one-shot or not. I thought about getting in Leo, Don, and even Splinter's own thoughts about Leo's return but I'm not too sure! I want to thank all of you for the support. This my first attempt at "first-person" writing, gah! Anyway, thank you all so much!
Disclaimer: Song Quote from "Temple of Thought" by Poets of the Fall
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To Make You Whole
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So when you're restless I will calm the ocean for you.
In your sorrow, I will dry your tears.
When you need me I will be one beside you.
I will take away all your fears…
I'll take away all of your fears….
So you can let go all your fears.
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Sensei once asked us, 'What do you value most about yourself'?
I mean, besides my dashing good looks and awesome butt-kicking skills? The Turtle Titan and—hello!—the Battle Nexus Champion right here!
It was so quiet, I swear I could ear the cars all the way above us passing by.
Not one of us answered his question that day.
The next day, Sensei asked us, 'What do you value most about yourself'?
Wait, I thought, didn't he do this already? Oh yeah, I never answered.
Come to think of it, none of us did. Why? I mean, maybe not Raph (but totally Raph, just kidding!), but Don and Leo have a lot to say!
We were all silent, though.
That was the day before Leo left.
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I hate the dark. Always did. I mean, in all the stories it's how the monster gets you. The Boogeyman, The monster-under-the-bed, ghosts—okay, well, maybe not ghosts all the time but they like to scare you when it's dark! Monsters alike lurk in the dark, eerie, shadows and then—BAM!—you're a goner. Now, I'm sure you're thinking how I, the great Battle Nexus Champion, hate such a childish thing? Well, let me tell ya. You didn't grow up with Raph, who actually isn't a bad storyteller, and had to share a room with him for a while.
Anyway, that's how I found myself wandering down our creepy hallway. You'd think that since Don installed the motion sensor nightlights to help see better at night that it'll be all nice! But, hey, when those things flicker on at night when none of us are walking? Creepy. Most of the time I think it'd be Sensei, Raph, or Don walking around.
Wait, scratch that.
It could be Sensei, Raph, Don, or Leo. He's home now. Has been for a couple of weeks. I guess…I'm still not used to it yet. I mean, what is 'normal' now, huh?
Ugh. I need air.
My room's at the end of the hall. Across from Leo, and next to Raph, making Don's next to Leo. I guess I'd call it luck that Leo closed his door tonight, usually—I mean, he used—to not close it. Don rarely ever makes it to his room to sleep, and when he does he needs absolute silence. Raph? Let's just say, he had to ask Don to install a lock to keep me out from pranking his room. Sometimes, if I butter Don up, I get the key. Sometimes.
But, that was a while ago.
Still, that didn't stop me from carefully tiptoeing past their rooms.
You see, Leo's got wicked hearing. Don, he's usually awake anyway. Raph, it's a mixed bag—he's either out cold, or not. Me? I can be pretty stealthy if I want to. And I need to get away. Which means—gotta go ninja mode.
2:45 A.M.
I'm not going to lie—I feel crappy. It's not like I'm sick or anything. Maybe, it was because I thought maybe when Leo walked back in everything would be fixed. Raph, Donnie, Sensei—and I guess me—would suddenly snap back into the way things were. I know something went down between Leo and Raph a couple of weeks ago, at least that's what Donnie thinks. They seemed to be, better, I guess? Donnie says I shouldn't bother them about it. He's got a point—it's not my business. But, then, why do I still feel so crummy?
You see, when Leo left, things slowly fell apart. Not all at once, of course. Sensei would never let that happen. We were still a family, he'd keep saying, we're still a team. And a team needed a leader—putting Donnie front and center. I was happy, at first, for him. Don usually was Leo's unspoken second-in-command when it comes to strategizing and stuff. But, I think, that's when things started to turn. That's when Raph disappeared from every other night, to every single night. To the point where, maybe, I was lucky to catch him coming home. Even then, he didn't say a word to me.
Yeah, that hurt.
I mean…to be totally honest I don't blame Raph for doing what he did.
What did I do? Wear some dorky costume every other day to make others laugh at my own humiliation. Complain to Donnie about going to that awful job. Bother Raph about where he goes off too, watching him lie to my face every time. Sensei, Donnie, Raph, Leo—every single one of them masked their pain.
And what did I do?
Sensei, Donnie, Raph, Leo.
You all didn't say anything, huh?
Leo left.
He fled from his own 'failure'. How could our 'Fearless Leader', my amazingly awesome big brother, think running away from us—Us!—would help him heal? I gave him that name, years ago. I thought it was funny, I mean so did Donnie and Raph. You know, I guess I didn't think about this but…Sensei, he thought you were that too, right Leo? I guess, maybe, I didn't help. I'd goof off, make you worry. If I stopped, maybe if I made you more confident in me—maybe you'd have talked to me. I know, Raph's stubborn—he gets that from you, you know. Donnie, I know he has a lot going on but him—me!—anyone. Watching you leave, Leo, was like watching the stability of our home crack. How could you do this? You could have trusted me…I would have helped, Leo. Now, you're different right? It's what you wanted for us. I'm sorry, Leo. I should have done more, stepped up.
Donnie buried.
We stopped playing games as much, you know. I'd work during the day, Raph locked himself up, and you in your lab. Working to support the home, staying up late at night until he clocked in every possible hour he can to earn something. When you weren't up late working your butt off, you'd wait for Raph. You didn't care how exhausted you were, you'd just heat up another cup of coffee and sit right in the living room with your laptop until he walked in. You two fought a lot. I heard a bunch of them, and they'd always end with Raph slamming his door. You wanted to handle it on your own. I thought you could, I knew you could. Did I?
Raph hid.
The Nightwatcher. I thought he was so freakin' cool, like 'Turtle Titan' but a thousand times cooler. I wanted to be like him, heck, sometimes I thought about sneaking out at night to find him and tag team. But, it was you, Raph. I remember one night following you out. I always was quicker, you never caught me. I saw you put on the suit, get on your bike, and run to beat Dragons mercilessly. I thought about stepping out of the shadows, talking to you. But I didn't. I thought about telling Sensei and Donnie, and together the three of us have an intervention. But I didn't. Maybe I was too naïve, thinking this was only a phase. That if it ever got worse, you'd talk to us. Weeks turned into a months, and you still snuck out. I was going to tell the others, but I guess fate played it's part. Leo came home, and he did what he does best—keep us together. In an instance, everything seemed normal. Then, came the day you told us all. You said it so simply. Don and Leo didn't look too shocked, and I guess I didn't seem so either. Did Don actually know? Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks.
Did we all know, and none of us did anything to stop him? Why?
Why, Raph? Why lie, for months? Why didn't you tell me? Sure, I would have made fun of you for totally chasing after my dreams and all but—you didn't. You isolated yourself, running off late and night and coming back with more and more scars. I would have supported you, bro. I mean, we could have teamed up! But, you didn't. You lied, you fought with us, you left. Honestly, the day Leo left you might as well went off with him. You were gone, bro. I should have followed you, right? I mean, I'm just as skilled a ninja—I totally could have seen where you ran off every night. But I didn't. I trusted you. After all, you didn't need me. Right? Casey knew, and I guess that was okay. Was it?
Me? Well, that's the question of the hour, right?
Oh, right, I needed air. I halted, drawing out my options. Eventually, I wandered out of the lair and into the van. I got in, and kind of just laid in the back for a bit. This was as close as to 'alone' I was gonna get without freakin' anyone out by leaving.
Well…
I mean…if I left, instead of Leo, none of this would have happened.
Right?
Man, if this is anywhere close to what meditation is like—sticking to thinkin' about other stuff is way better.
I reached for my headphones in the front seat, praying that I at least didn't loose those—again. Gripping the ear-buds, I plugged it into my shell-cell, and just tapped shuffle. I needed to get away—away from the tension, away from those still awkward silences when the four of us are in the room, away from me.
Man, am I actually crying right now?
Don, you better not have set up camera's back here or something cause' that'd be totally not cool.
My phone buzzed. A small light shined up. I glanced from the celling to my phone.
Raph: "Where are you?"
Mikey: "I'm home. Just not in my room. Three guesses where and you win!"
I smirked, I couldn't resist. And, to be fair, I didn't really want any of them to see me like this. So, I improvised. I mean, it wasn't a lie.
Raph: "Asshole, I ain't playin' hide and seek. Just tell me where you are."
Mikey: "You lost a guess for being rude, Raphie."
Now, I know I'm being really dramatic. But, I need to at least stop crying. Raph may not be the brightest bulb of the bunch, but he's not an idiot. There's only so many places I could be that's in the lair. I closed my eyes. Maybe if I fall asleep, everything will get better….
That was, until the light in the van turned on. If I wasn't nearly blinded by it, I quickly flipped over to my side to find dear old Raph— standing by the doors with his arms crossed.
"Geez!" I cried out, rubbing my eyes. Hoping that at least that'd be a good excuse to cover up any signs of my lame blubbering. "I mean you could have just said hi-!"
"I did, shellbrain." Raph grumbled. "Ya didn't hear me."
"Oh." I shrugged, taking off my ear buds. I looked back down at my phone, just scrolling through aimlessly. I didn't want to look at him; he'd know I was crying. Maybe, I'll make it so awkward that he'd just go away. Perfect plan.
"I mean," Raph cleared his throat. "The van? Really? I mean, ever since you've had it it's pretty much a mess so, hey, knock yourself out. I guess."
I shrugged, again. So? I wanted to get away without putting Sensei through the worry of having another son walk out without saying a word. Man, I should have stayed in my room and finished that comic. That probably would have been better then—.
"Alright," With a sigh, he hopped in the van. Taking the couch across from me, he waited a minute—or a thousand—before finally breaking the ice. "What's going on, Mikey? This isn't like you. So, spill. I ain't leavin' until you do."
Well, Raph wasn't totally wrong there. I never like holding anything back—I mean, usually I rather talk about it. What was I going to say? 'Oh, yeah, you know for months you've totally been lying to all of us but now Leo's back so everything should totally be okay and I'm okay and I'm over it'!
Yeah, that sucks even thinking about it.
Raph was impatient, shaking his head as he cut off. "Look, Mikey, I…I get it. Leo being home it ain't easy and it'll take time before-."
It was so much more than that. I didn't know how to even begin to try to explain that. I didn't mean to snap, but I couldn't take it anymore. I shot up, and cried, "You don't get it! You lied, Raph. To everyone! You know, bro, I get why you did it, okay? It helped you feel better, and you were doing good, I get it. But, lying?! I-I thought we didn't do that! Why didn't you tell me?"
I can practically hear Sensei's voice. 'You must learn to channel your emotions more calmly, Michelangelo'. Great.
Now I'm really feeling the urge to cry. I'm such an idiot. But, what else can I do? It hurt. Sensei always said if it hurt, it was okay to cry. Well, at least it was to me. Now, Raph's face got soft, his eyes shifting to the ground. I think I caught him off guard.
He didn't freak out or anything like that—which, I was shocked about. He just looked at me, and sighed. "I'm sorry, alright? It's not like I did it to hurt anyone. I was angry, and I…Well, yeah, it made sense to me at the time. It…It hurt he was gone, and I didn't know what else to do. I know what I put everyone though, and I'm…Sorry. Okay?"
I didn't want to push him. I didn't doubt he wasn't sincere. But that didn't change the facts and the doubts that flooded my mind. "Why didn't you call me and Donnie and we'd do it together, just like old times. It's like, you didn't even care what happened to us—to you! What if you got killed, Raph? Did you ever think about that? What that would have done to us? First Leo, then you?! How could you-!"
"You don't think this shit wasn't hard for me?" Raphael whispered, more hurt than angry. "You think I liked Leo walking out, not knowing where he's at and if he's okay? I…I was hurt too, Mikey. Ya know me, I did what made sense, and I know it was a mistake-!"
"Months, Raph! You lied about this for just as long as Leo's been gone. Why the lying? Casey could know, but not your own brother? Not any of us? Do you even know the amount of stress you gave to Donnie and Sensei? Every freakin' night we worried about you, you just get all mad and ditch us like we're nothing-!"
"I said I was sorry!" Raph exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air as he rose to his feet. Slowly, he hissed every word "What don't you get? I can't change what happened. Why do ya got to make a big deal about it, huh? It's done, Mikey. Over. Ya move on. What about 'Turtle Titan', huh? You wanted it, you didn't ask our permission or shit like that—you went for it. You could have gotta hurt at first but you made your choice. I did what I had to do. I don't—didn't—like lying about it. So get that through your head."
"That is nothing like this!" I cried, defensively. Raising my own voice, I couldn't stop shooting back at him. "I didn't lie about anything-!"
"Oh, aren't you a freakin' martyr." Raphael rolled his eyes, mockingly. "Ya right, Mikey. You're the pinnacle of 'perfection', Fearless would be proud. I'm just a mean, deceitful, lair who just makes things worse, right?"
"No-! That's not what I-!"
"I get it. I don't need you telling me why I did what I did."
"Raph!"
I watched Raph as he stormed off from the van, passing through Donnie's lab without a single look back. I wasn't going to let him walk out. Not this time.
To be honest, I was more afraid of him running out of the lair. Jumping up, I hopped out of the truck and picked up my pace. By the time I reached saw him, he was already heading right for his room. At least he didn't run out.
But he saw me. Ready to slam the door, I quickly put my foot out to catch the door just as it tried to slam—yeah, that hurt.
"OW!" I hissed, remembering how late it actually was. That still didn't stop me from wobbling into his room. "Geez, okay, okay! I get the hint, bro!"
"And yet, ya still here."
Glaring, Raph crossed his arms. He was hurt, like really hurt. I guess, over the years, you pick up on the little things. Raph, when it comes to stuff like this, will usually avoid eye contact. Knowing that, I knew I had to say something, anything, before he forcefully pushed me out—which he has done many times before. I sighed. Man, Raph can be so hard to read sometimes.
"I'm sorry," I choked. "Look, I…I didn't mean that when I said you don't care about us. You…were hurt that Leo left us. I get that—so was I. Then, you came home late. You stopped hanging out with us, you just slept all day. I…I felt like I lost two brothers. I was scared, really scared. You know, when Leo stopped writing I thought he was dead. I just…felt it. I didn't want to tell Don or Sensei, or you, I was so scared that you guys thought the same thing. I thought about leaving. Finding Leo and bringing him home just to fix it like he always does. I…I didn't anyone, but I almost did. I packed a bag, got some supplies, even left a note in my room. I left that night, though I didn't get far. I ran into you—uh, well, I saw you. You didn't see me. I followed you for a bit. I saw you become the Nightwatcher and fight some thugs and I thought—I can't leave. Sensei, Donnie, even you—if I left, I didn't want to think what you guys would have done. I thought about helping you—I mean, come on, the 'Turtle Titan' would have been an awesome team-up! But, I didn't. I watched you. Waited until you came home. I was lucky you didn't catch me, or check my room. That's when I picked up my own job, to try and help out as much as I can. If I couldn't help you at least I could do something, right?"
Well, this is good. I'm rambling. And he still looks pretty mad, or is he thinking? Never could tell the difference. Why did I still feel like I had to cry again? Man, I really need to go to bed.
Instead, I forced a cough. And a smile. "But, you're right. It's over. Leo's home, you two seemed to have worked your own stuff out, and everything's normal. So, if you don't mind, I'll just hop my way back to my room and-!"
"Hold it, shellbrain." Raph said, looking right at me this time. "I'm sorry, Mikey, I really am. I didn't want you guys to be hurt. I screwed up, big time. I'm lucky Leo and I made up after-."He stopped. After what? Before I could counter, he continued. "But, we're good now. No matter what, we're family. Look, it won't happen again. Okay? You don't have to worry about any of that. I'm not going anywhere, and neither are Leo and Don. I'll make sure of that, bro. We're sticking together, no matter what."
I let it go. That was Leo and Raph's business after all, I'm sure it was nothing. Instead, I smiled for what felt like the first time in months. For the first time in a while, I felt like everything was going to be okay. I couldn't hold it back, as I gave Raph a quick hug. I thought for sure I was going to be smacked all the way into my room.
I wasn't.
"Alright, alright, that's enough." He huffed, awkwardly stepping away from the embrace. "You better get to bed or you'll regret training in the morning."
You know what? Some things are worth losing sleep over after.
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