Charmed, I'm Sure
by P.H. Wise
A Charmed fan(?)fic
Disclaimer: I own nothing. As near as I can tell, Charmed is owned by CBS Television Distribution. I'm not making any money off of this. Please don't sue me.
Once upon a time, in the distant land consisting of the same stock footage of San Francisco displayed for eight seasons, there was a house. Not a nasty, dirty, wet house, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor a strangely unaffected wooden acting house that drips blood on Tommy Wiseau: it was a Halliwell house, and that means evil.
Today was a day like any other. The girls (and Leo) were all gathered to talk about how badly everyone else's feelings were affecting Phoebe.
The calm of their day was sadly disrupted by the sound of orbing. An angel appeared in their kitchen, clad all in white, and four great wings upon his shoulders. He looked directly at the Charmed Ones: all three of them at once, in fact. Leo, too. Turned out, he was one of those angels with four faces: the face of a man in front, the face of a lion on the right side, the face of an ox on the left side, and the face of an eagle behind, and covered all over in eyes. "I've come to warn you," he said. "An innocent is about to be attacked by the forces of darkness. Her name is Jane. She'll be at the corner of Van Ness and Lombard in two hours. You must save her, Charmed Ones: she is destined to heal the world."
Phoebe grimaced. "This is really gonna interfere with that date I had scheduled!"
Piper glared at the angel. "Just when you think life is starting to settle down into normalcy, another angel comes along dragging us all back into magical nonsense."
Paige frowned. "Uh, guys? We can't really let an innocent woman die, can we? We need to help." Leo nodded in agreement with Paige, causing Piper to scowl.
"Right," the angel said. "You should listen to Paige. This woman is vital. Her life must be preserved."
Piper continued to glare at the Angel. "Wyatt's going to wake up any time, and I'm not going to let him do that in an empty house. So how about I blow you up instead?"
The angel blinked all four sets of eyes. "...What?" it asked.
Piper nodded as her resolve grew. "Yeah. Then I can go back to my ordinary life."
"You can't be serious," the angel said, incredulity now straining its voice.
Phoebe shook her head. "Whatever, guys," she said. "I'll see you when my date's over. Let me know how it turns out." With that, she turned and walked out the front door, shutting it softly behind her.
The angel stared. "What."
Piper gestured at the angel, who promptly exploded in a shower of light that was slow in fading away. A few seconds later a baby began to cry, and she hurried out of the room.
Paige turned to Leo. "Leo," she began, sounding troubled, "Are we the baddies?"
Leo blinked. Then he looked thoughtful. Then he shook his head. "Can't be. Our uniforms haven't got skulls on them. Why?"
Paige shrugged. "Well, I did kind of use magic to create a human sextoy boyfriend last week. Fully sentient, and existing only to satisfy me sexually? Like a vibrator, except attached to a hunky male body that I designed myself. Things got a little out of hand. I dunno, maybe I just felt a little guilty. But you're right. We're a force for good."
Leo tried very hard not to let how squicked he was show on his face. "Uh…"
"It was Phoebe's idea the first time we did it," Paige said. Then she paused. "... Wait. No. It was mine." She looked visibly disturbed by that.
"The first time you did it?" Leo asked.
"As a birthday present for Piper, back when she wanted a divorce because the Elders were being dicks again."
Leo and Paige both stared at each other for a long moment, the full implications of the words that were just spoken sinking in, and slowly - ever so slowly - they both began to look completely horrified. "Oh, God, we're the baddies," Paige said. Then they both vanished into rising pillars of blue light.
Two hours later, at the corner of Van Ness and Lombard, Innocent Jane was horribly murdered by a group of singing and dancing demons dressed as characters from Les Miserables. They had this whole plan to turn the Charmed Ones into Cosette and Fantine and Eponine except with even stupider costumes than normal, but with the Charmed Ones not showing up, well, they'd take what they could get.
THE END
So yeah. There's that. Sorry. I needed to vent. Hopefully it at least made someone crack a smile. And hey, at least I didn't vent with a novel length fanfic. :D