Author's Note: Did anyone else want to smash their TV after last night's episode or was that just me? This fic is based after the episode S18E19 "Conversion"
Also, if you guys haven't read my friend lalarandoms fics yet, please go check it out! She is incredibly talented and works tirelessly to try to kill me with Rolivia angst and cuteness! So, yes, go check out her stories! She also has some Barisi fics for those of you that ship them.
Please read, review and enjoy!
Title- Disgusting
Summary- After the events of "Conversion" is Olivia ready to come to terms with who she is and who she loves?
Disgusting
That was how Special Victims Unit Lieutenant Olivia Benson felt as she sat in a bar drinking away her sorrows. After taking Ann home Olivia had driven to a bar not far from her place and ordered a glass of wine. The dingy bar was slow for a Friday night, something which the brunette was happy about. She twirled the stem of her wine glass as her mind wandered.
Olivia Benson had known she was a lesbian for a long time; she just refused to admit it to herself or anyone else. So instead she fed into her denial. She began dating countless men who, for the most part, were decent. However, every single one of those relationships failed, because they were never what she truly wanted. Six years ago her denial got harder to cover up. When a blonde detective from Atlanta named Amanda Rollins had walked into the SVU squad room, she had also walked into Olivia's heart.
The southern belle, who she often called Georgia Peach, proved to be a top notch detective. The more the brunette got to know her, the harder she fell for her. In order to keep her secret she had to be tougher on the blonde. She got angry at her for the smallest things, things that reminded her of herself more than anything else. And when Amanda would flirt with guys or have a boyfriend the brunette would let her jealousy—and her denial—get the better of her. Amanda Rollins was a breathtaking beauty and could have anyone she wanted, which was another reason why Olivia never told her; too afraid of rejection. Amanda was also a woman that could take care of herself. Olivia had seen the badass side of her detective more than once. Needless to say it lit a fire in her stomach that could go on for days. When Amanda had confessed that she had been raped by her former chief, Deputy Chief Patton, Olivia had wanted to kill him. She wanted to make him pay for what he had done to Amanda. She also wanted to take Amanda in her arms and never let her go. All she could do was give her the phone number to her therapist, with a few personal days, and hope it would be enough.
As the years progressed, so did Olivia's love for her Georgia Peach. They fought, argued, dated other people and yet the flame in the brunette's stomach had stayed lit for the past six years, and she had a feeling it wouldn't be going out any time soon.
"Well well if it isn't Lieutenant Olivia Benson drinking alone on a Friday night." A familiar voice spoke from behind her.
"John!" Olivia smiled as she turned around to greet the older man. Standing up, she embraced him tightly." How are you?" She asked as they sat back down at the bar.
"A lot better than you it seems." Munch replied, before ordering a drink. "What's got you upset?"
Olivia looked at the man, "John, really I'm fine."
"Yeah and Donald Trump is a saint." John said sarcastically. "Liv I read the newspapers. I can imagine this case hit you pretty hard."
"Well yeah of course. What that asshole did to those kids was despicable." Olivia sighed.
"Yes it was." John replied, sipping his drink. "But that's not what I meant. I meant it must have affected you personally."
Olivia stared at her friend. "Personally? Why would it affect me personally?"
"Olivia, it's ok." John put his hand on her arm. "I've known for years."
Olivia stared at him. All those years of hiding her sexuality had clearly failed. "How- how did you know?"
"You can't fool John Munch Olivia. I know everything." Munch said, smirking.
"I just, I feel so disgusting. Like, who I am isn't ok." Olivia replied.
"Who you are is not disgusting. Homosexuality is not disgusting or a sin. You are who you are because it's who you're meant to be." John said softly, resting his hand on the brunette's arm. "That bastard is the disgusting one Olivia. Not you."
Olivia looked over and smiled weakly at the man, "Thank you John" She whispered.
"Of course." John smiled, taking a sip of his drink. "And being in love with Amanda also isn't wrong or disgusting. You two would make a cute couple."
Olivia nearly choked on her drink "You knew that too?"
"Oh come on." John exclaimed, "The only thing more obvious is that Donald Trump has ties with Russia."
"What made it so obvious?" The Lieutenant asked.
"The way you looked at each other when you thought the other wasn't looking. The way Amanda would work so hard to please you. How worried she was when Lewis took you." John said softly. "She loves you just as much as you love her."
Olivia stared at him for what seemed like minutes. Her mind trying to comprehend what he was saying. "I need to talk to her." She decided. She needed to know if it was true.
"Ok but I'm driving you. You've had a few drinks." Munch said, placing some money on the bar to pay for the drinks. "You can get your car in the morning. Come on" He guided her out of the bar and to his car.
Once they reached Amanda's apartment building, Olivia hugged John before getting out of the car, "Thank you John. I'm not sure what I would do without your wisdom in my life."
"Well Finn is a bit like me, just not as good looking." John teased. "Good luck Olivia. You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't ever change." John smiled before driving off. Olivia watched him drive away before turning and walking into Amanda's building.
With shaky hands she rang the buzzer. "Hello?" Came the voice of an angel through the intercom.
"Hey Rollins" She mentally scolded herself for using her last name. "I mean Amanda. I know it's late but uh, can I come up?"
"Of course Liv" Amanda buzzed her in.
Walking to the door Olivia felt her nerves kick into high gear. What was she doing? There was no way Amanda could possibly feel the same way as her, was there? She stood outside Amanda's door, closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before knocking.
"Hey Liv, come on in." Amanda greeted her cheerfully, as she opened the door to allow her boss entry. "Is everything ok?"
"Yeah everything's fine." The brunette smiled at the younger woman. "Is Jessie asleep?"
"Yeah I just put her down a few minutes ago." Amanda replied. "Can I get you something to drink?"
"Uh water would be great Amanda, thanks." Olivia answered, suddenly realizing how dehydrated she was. However, she wasn't sure if it was from the alcohol or the blonde beauty in front of her. As she took a seat on the couch, she watched the blonde in the kitchen. She was wearing grey yoga pants and a white cotton tank top. Her blonde hair was up in a bun and her face was clear of makeup. She was absolutely stunning and Olivia could feel her heartbeat picking up at the sight of her.
"Here you go." Amanda smiled as she handed her the water before sitting on the couch beside her. "So what brings you here Lieutenant?"
"Thank you." Olivia smiled as she took the glass. The brunette took a deep breath, trying to regain what little courage she had. "There's something I need to tell you Amanda." She began, "But I'm really not sure how."
"Hey." Amanda whispered, reaching out and touching her hand. "Whatever it is you can tell me. It's ok."
Olivia felt a shockwave course through her body at Amanda's touch. "I-uh I'm gay." She watched Amanda's face, looking for any sign that the news upset or disgusted her.
"How long have you know?" Amanda asked softly, her hand still on Olivia's.
"For a long time actually." Olivia admitted. "Apparently Munch has known for years." She chuckled.
"Munch does know everything." The blonde laughed.
Olivia chuckled, reluctantly moving her hand from Amanda's grasp. "That isn't all."
The blonde detective looked at her. "Ok, what else?"
"I'm in love with you." Olivia said softly, her voice almost a whisper. "I've known since the first day we met and I-" She paused, looking up at the blonde who was smiling at her. "W-what? Why are you-"
Amanda moved closer to her, cupping her cheek. "Do you know how long I've wanted to hear you say that?" Their eyes stayed locked, brown gazing intensely into blue. Olivia felt her mouth go dry again. "I have been in love with you Olivia Benson, since I first knew who you were. I only fell harder the first day we met." Leaning in she captured the other woman's lips.
Olivia's heart stopped. Her senses were in overdrive and her brain was trying to comprehend what was happening. Suddenly, she came out of her haze and realized exactly what was happening. She wrapped her arms around Amanda's small waist and pulled her closer. She moaned deeply as she felt Amanda's tongue enter her mouth. Moving her hand into the blonde hair, she pulled her even closer, needing to feel the woman she had loved for so long.
Reluctantly, after what seemed like hours of heated kisses, they pulled apart. Both women were breathless.
"I love you so much." Olivia whispered, resting her forehead against the blonde's. "Amanda, you don't think what we're doing is disgusting right?"
Amanda gently moved a strand of hair behind the brunette's ear and cupped her cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. "When I look at you, when I touch you, when I kiss you, when I hold you in my arms I honestly can't imagine anything more beautiful. I love you Olivia Benson and that is all that matters." Smiling softly, she leaned up and kissed her deeply once again. This time her hands began to roam the brunette's body. Sliding the blue jacket off her shoulders and tossing it on the floor. Amanda groaned as she ran her hands up and down her arms.
Olivia moved her hands up, under the white cotton tank top and pulled it over the shorter woman's head. She moaned at the sight of the soft, pale skin she never thought she would get to touch. "Why don't we move this into the bedroom?" She whispered huskily.
Amanda nodded, standing up and taking the hand of the brunette beauty. Their mouths met in a heated kiss as they both removed each others clothing as they walked backwards towards the bedroom. Amanda turned them around just as they got to the bed and pushed the taller woman down onto the mattress. Before she got on top she took a moment to relish in the beauty lying before her; the moon illuminating her features. Olivia lay on her back in nothing but her underwear. Amanda's eyes grew dark with desire. Slowly, aggravatingly slowly, she crawled onto the bed and on top of the brunette.
"You have no idea how breathtakingly beautiful you are Olivia Benson." Amanda whispered. "There is nothing, absolutely nothing, disgusting or wrong about you." Leaning down she kissed her deeply, her tongues seeking deep in her mouth. Olivia's hands roamed her bra and panty clad body, needing to feel every inch of her.
"God, Amanda." Olivia moaned as the blonde's lips started kissing, sucking and licking down her neck. She ran her fingers through blonde hair as she pulled her even closer to her. "Fuck" She groaned as Amanda nibbled on a sensitive spot on her neck.
Amanda continued kissing down her throat, leaving butterfly kisses all along her chest. Olivia's back arched forward as Amanda took one of her breasts into her mouth, after leaving a trail of wet kisses all around the nipple. With her free hand Amanda squeezed the brunette's other breast. After giving attention to both beautiful breasts, the blonde continued downward, trailing butterfly kisses down her stomach. As she reached her clearly soaked underwear, she looked up at the older woman.
"Liv, look at me." She whispered, her voice low. "You are the most beautiful woman in the world. Never, ever think there is something wrong with you. You are perfect in every sense of the word." Olivia couldn't speak. She felt her throat close with emotions. Far too many to express out loud at that point.
Amanda pulled down the black, lacey underwear slowly, not wanting to rush. The sight before her, the smell before her, took her breath away. Her eyes darkened at the arousal she felt, looking at Olivia's throbbing clit. "So fucking beautiful." She whispered before thrusting her tongue inside the brunette's opening. Olivia's hips bucked as she felt Amanda's tongue around her clit. She grabbed the blonde's hair and pulled her closer. Amanda thrust her tongue in and out, lapping up the wetness.
"FUCK AMANDA" Olivia screamed. "HARDER, baby."
Amanda thrust harder, taking the clit into her mouth and sucking on it.
"Yes, baby I'm-I'm-ohhh god Amanda don't stop." Olivia cried above her. Amanda moved two fingers inside her opening and continued her thrusts. Within seconds Olivia came hard. The sweet taste made its way into the blonde's mouth and onto her fingers. Happily the blonde lapped up the juices, before pulling away. She looked up at Olivia who was breathing heavy. Slowly, she crawled up next to the brunette. "You ok." She asked, smiling.
Olivia looked over at the blonde. Struck by how unbelievably beautiful she looked with the moon illuminating her features. This woman, this gorgeous, breathtaking woman was the woman she wanted to spend forever with. With one swift move, Olivia got on top of the blonde. "I am more than ok. You showed me how beautiful I am, now let me show you how beautiful you are." The brunette's eyes grew dark as she captured her lips in a deep, passionate kiss. After an hour of Olivia proving her love to Amanda, they lay wrapped in each other's arms.
"Why exactly did we wait so long to do this?" Amanda laughed softly. Her hand running up and down Olivia's back.
"Because the best things are the ones worth waiting for." Olivia replied, nestling her face into Amanda's neck.
"I really do love you Olivia." Amanda whispered, kissing the brunette's forehead.
"I love you too baby." Olivia whispered, kissing Amanda's neck softly.
With the light of the moon exposing their bodies, the two new lovers fell asleep wrapped in each other's embrace; excited for a new beginning, together.
Author's Note 2- I need to stop thinking things like "This fic isn't going to be long." LOL. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it! Please review!