Disclaimer: I no own anything. This fic was inspired by the Author Cait Sith.
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Cait Sith walked along the streets of Midgar, absently playing with a yo-yo and thinking a of his latest money making scam. "Maybe I could make an investment in pork bellies?" he mumbled to himself. He never even saw his assailant as he was beaten unconscious by a figure holding a loaf of Italian Bread.
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"What's the big idea?!" Cait raved as he was dragged none too gently into a room and shoved into a chair. The room was low lit and the air was thick with cigar smoke. The half open blinds provided light to the room, a ceiling fan spun slowly. "Nice accommodations. Early gangster, I believe? Now what do you jerks want with me?" the esper demanded.
To answer his question, the chair behind the desk swung around. Seated there was a fat mog with jowls and wearing a posh Italian suit. He had an air of respect about him. On either side of him where two burly Chocobos in suits and hats wearing neutral expressions on their faces. Cait felt his heart sink into his stomach. "T-t-the Mogfather?"
"Dats right, my good friend Cait Sith."The Mogfather began as he stroked a lizard that was seated in his lap. "Now I hear that you owe me a generous sum of money from our little poker game last week." Cait shrugged. 'What poker game? What money?" The Mogfather was not amused. "Etzio, jog his memory." With a curt nod, Etzio walked behind Cait and pulled out a rubber chicken and whacked him upside the head. "Oh, that poker game." Cait made a note not to be a smart ass in the presence of the mob boss. "If my memory serves me, I believe you owe me 2,000 gill and a fat guy in Chocobo suit." The cat nodded while mentally kicking himself.
"Now I'm an understandin' mog, I tell you what. You give me my money in tree days, or Louie gives you a little concert." At this Louie pulled out a set of bagpipes. The esper began to sweat bullets. He had heard the whispered rumors through the underworld about Louie "Highlander" Vermicelli and his infamous instrument. He could play the bagpipes so badly that six bars of "Amazing Grace" took out twenty well armed SOLDIERs and drove Scarlet to madness. "Sure, you'll have your money in no time flat." Cait promised. "You better because dis this an offer you can't refuse.
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Reeve sat back in his chair and breathed a sigh of relief. Today was actually going good for him. Not too much paper work, Hojo had been mauled by Red XIII and was in the hospital, and the President was chewing out Palmer for investing wall the company's money in haggis. 'Life is good' thought Reeve has he propped his feet up on his desk. The door suddenly burst open and Cait Sith bounded in. "Damn." Reeve muttered as he slumped his chair.
"Reeve, buddy, ya gotta help me!!" Reeve sighed. "What did you do this time? Blow up another Radio Shack?"
"Not this time."
"Then what?"
" I owe the Chocobo mafia money!! If I don't get them it in three days, they're gonna give me a concert." Cait was in hysterics and had grabbed Reeve by the shirt. The executive pulled away and gave Cait a droll stare. "And you want me to do what?" he already knew the answer. "Can you lend me a few thou?"
Cait soon found himself hitting the street as he was thrown out of the building by Reno and Rude.
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Cait Sith Sat in the Papaya Queen at Sector 6 drowning his sorrow is papaya juice. "I gotta get more money or My brain is gonna be turned into a pile of ricotta cheese. Now who could I beg for money?" He thought this through. "Reeve already turned me down. Barret is defiantly out of the question. Cid would laugh in my face. Tifa would make me do actual honest work to get money outta her, and I really don't feel like dressing up a barmaid again. Red doesn't have that much money. There's no way in hell I'm asking Yuffie….." His musings were cut off by a cry of "Cait!"
"Well I call this movie Super Nova and it's about…"
" Let me guess, a star collapses on the planet." Sephiroth was dumb-founded. "How do you do that?" Cait sighed and turned to him and threw a hot dog at him. "Because that's what always happens in your movies." Sephiroth glared at him as he wiped the sauerkraut out of his hair. "Well I suppose you rather I wrote a movie about some guy with blond hair and a monkey tail and his friends who fight of a guy who's trying to destroy their world." Cait scratched his chin. "That sounds good! Now where have I heard that before?"
The villain shrugged and picked up a news paper. "Hey Cait, there's an article on you in the news." The esper snatched it from Sephiroth and quickly scanned it to find a small story on him in a section of the paper Cait would hope never see himself mentioned. "The certainly write obituaries fast." He observed.
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Cait paced around in Cloud's garage, the rest of the band idly lay around watching him. "I don't see what's so bad about being given a concert." Mog commented. Cait glared at him. "You really don't keep up with current events do you? This is a concert by Louie "Highlander" Vermicelli, the worst bagpipe player in history! His music can cause people convulse with agony and horror! It's like, like…"
"Your singing?" Neko offered." Shut up and help me think of
a way to
Cait pace some more, then stopped and grinned. "Maybe we could sell our new album!" The other's shook their heads. "The record industry still has a warrant for our arrest." Mog reminded him. "Need an idea!"
Neko picked up a news paper read the top head line out loud.
"Monster attacks Gonga, Hero Saves Town, Gets big Cash Reward." He shrugged and
looked at the other stories until Cait snatched it out of his hands. "Wow, they
gave this guy $30,000 for
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"Help!!"
"Aieee!!"
The People of Rocket Town were screaming their heads off as
a giant gray skinned creature with two heads wearing jester caps
He put on a brave face. "I, Cait Sith the Mighty with banish you , you horrid twisted piece of filth." The Monster gave a roar and charged Cait Sith, who nimbly dodged the attack and hit the creature with his megaphone. The monster stumbled to the left, then to the right, then he feel over a rock and spit into two short jesters, con in blue and white, the other in red and white.
Cait turned a bowed, "Your all perfectly welcome. I accept cash, check and Visa Card." He opened his eyes and saw no one, crickets chirped loudly. Thorn and Zorn blinked.
"They didn't like our act!"
"Our act, they did not like!"
Cait sighed. Then a phone rang and Zorn pulled out an oversized cell phone and pushed the talk button. "Hello? This is who? Why I'm honored! What's that? Yeah? Yeah? I'll tell him. Yeah, good bye." He hung up and turned to the cat.
"You know a guy with a raspy cottony voice and an Italian accent?" Cait nodded. "he says that you only have two days left to pay him."
"Pity you, I do." Thorn said sadly. Cait broke down sobbing. The two jesters stood there then Zorn asked. "Are we in your will?"
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"Are you guys sure about this?" asked Cait Sith as he and the Jester Twins crept through the basement of the Shinra Mansion. "Positive, I'll we have to do is knock out the vampire and extract the summon creatures out of him." Zorn said as he pulled out a frozen trout.
Vincent was in the library reading a treasury of Edger Allan Poe stories and chuckling every once and a while. These stories always cracked him up. Zorn crept up and readied the frozen trout and smacked Vincent on the head, and the ex-Turk fell forward in a heap.
"Okay, now we extract the Eidolons and get the hell out of here." Zorn said as he and Thorn began to dance and cartwheel around Vincent.
"Eidolons of magical deliciousness!"
"Arise from thy eternal slumber!"
"Depart after thy…thy…aw crap." Zorn reached behind himself and pulled out a copy of the script. He gave it a quick scan, then put it back.
"Depart after thy eternal wait!"
"Let there be light!"
"Let there be life!"
Vincent began to glow blue and Cait stood rubbing his hands together as Chaos appeared with a roar. "Alright we did it!" They gave each other fives and grinned. Then Thorn stopped smiling and turned to Zorn. "Control, how do we?" The other two stood and blinked. "I hadn't thought of that." Zorn admitted. They turned and saw Chaos grinning at them, cracking his knuckles.
The quiet peace of Niblehiem was interrupted by the long series of roars scream and explosions coming from the Sinra Mansion. The roof erupted and three figures flew out in arch and fell in the well.
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The next day Cait found himself once again the audience for the Mogfather. Louie was polishing the mouth piece to his bagpipes. Cait gulped and placed a large wad of bills and the guy in the Chocobo suit from the Gold Saucer.
"I cannot believe it. You got me my money. Do my eyes deceive me, boys?" The shook their heads. "Wow. Listen, why don't you and you little band of furry animals join me and da boys at my favorite restaurant. Da joint serves da best tortellini I have ever tasted." He snapped his fingers and they left. Outside, the band stopped Cait before they left. "Just where did you get the money?" Neko asked suspiciously. "Oh, from a generous person."
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Yuffie stood in shock and stared at the spectacle. Her hideout had been ransacked, all her money was gone as well as her precious cache of materia. She dropped to her knees and cried out to the heavens. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
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Thanks for reading my fic. Please review, and please no flames. Thanks again to Cait Sith.