"You mean the world to me, Luke…"

I walked slowly, occasionally scuffing my worn sneakers against the concrete. The sky above was dotted with swirls of purple clouds, the aftereffect of the rain. On another day, I would have welcomed the cool weather and occasional puddles of water with a huge smile and my arms wide open. But today, with my heart heavy with regret, my throat feeling constricted and swollen, and my eyes stinging with unshed tears, I couldn't even summon up a mere grin.

What's that saying my dad used to say? Oh yeah… "All things grow with time - except grief."

I hope that's true, dad; I really do.

Absent-mindedly, I stepped in a puddle, and icy water immediately seeped into my shoe. At almost the exact same moment, a familiar voice rang through my head, whispering words that stole my breath and tightened my throat even more.

"You are my world…"

A chill ran up my spine, and I shut my eyes tight, wondering why on earth I felt so miserable; why everything felt so incredibly wrong. Most people would be happy, right? It was something so many people spent their entire lives waiting for, obsessing over; planning it down to the last rose bud and scented candle. In all honesty, I'd been one of them. But at the moment, I felt anything but happy. If anything, I felt tired and dirty. So very, very dirty.

"You're someone I could never forget…"

Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around myself, allowing them to act as a barrier against the slight wind, the emotions running through me, and his words. But his words broke through my barrier anyway, breaking me in the process.

"You mean so much to me…"

Now, his voice was like a song, filling my head with his infectious words. And like an infectious song, it was almost impossible to stop the words from playing and spreading through my mind like a terminal disease.

"I want you in every way possible…"

"I'm thinking of you even when you aren't enough…"

"And sometimes I feel like you don't feel as strongly as I do…"

And just when I thought they'd finally stopped, the final phrase came rushing through my head, sending me back to that time.

"You mean the world to me, Luke. You are my world…"

And with those words printed like a stamp in my mind, I finally started running. Away from him, away from my guilt, away from the fact that I was supposed to love him. I was supposed to want to be with him, the same way he wanted me. Wasn't I?

But I don't…I can't. And I can't be someone's world…

Especially when they're not mine…

Finally, I arrived at the park near my home. It was dusk by then, and nearly all the families and children were gone, save for a few. I planted myself on a swing and allowed my eyes to drift shut. The wind blew gently, and I could distinctly hear some parents chattering in the distance; their children playing freeze tag. There was a certain serenity that filled the air, a deep contrast against my inner turmoil. Tears filled my closed eyes; threatened to run down my face, despite how hard I tried to force them back. For a moment, I sat there, swinging mildly and dragging my feet against the woodchips.

I don't love him…

I couldn't. I can't.

I can't, I couldn't.

I don't.

I never will.

After a few moments, nearly all the chattering stopped, and I took a deep breath, finally opening my eyes. And almost immediately, my eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. The park was now nearly deserted, and the sky above was beginning to darken; stray bugs flying around. And standing in front of me—the only person in the park aside from me—was a tall man wearing a light sweatshirt, a half-smirk, and blue eyes that sparkled with mischief. He was handsome, to say the least, but it was the smirk that threw me off; that and the mere fact that in his hands was a digital camera.

Our eyes met, and like a film strip, I watched his smirk slowly became a grin, and he waved his camera in the air.

"It's weird…" he said calmly. "I've been watching you since you came here, and you didn't even notice."

My mouth dropped open, and for a second I forget about him, concentrating instead on the strange man in front of me. He looked about my age, and I wondered why, even though I had never met him before, he looked so familiar; why on earth I felt like I'd seen him before, somewhere, like a long-forgotten friend that had suddenly reappeared in my life. I moved my gaze to the camera in his hand, and then back to his face, watching as he stood grinning like an idiot. I shook my head; allowed my gaze to travel back to the camera. My eyebrows wrinkled again, my heart filling with a sense of fear.

"Did you-did you take a picture of me?"

He gave me another grin and a nonchalant shrug, and I found myself wondering if he always acted this aloof, even around strangers. "You know, you should really try to be more attentive. You could have so many stalkers right now, all because you don't pay attention."

I gave him another glare, and turned my head towards the woodchips. In the corner of my mind, I noted how nice his voice sounded; even a simple sentence was filled with a heavy sense of emotion and teasing affection. And I couldn't let myself be enticed by it. I stared at the ground until it became unrecognizable; a mere blur. Eventually, I heard the clicking of a camera, followed by a deep inhale.

"October is beautiful, isn't it?" He asked softly. "I mean, with the leaves and that feeling that winter is coming soon…I just love it." The camera clicking came again, this time followed by a deep sigh. Hesitantly, I looked up, finding the boy staring at me intently. I gulped and quickly turned away. After a moment, I heard the man's voice again, still as soft and emotion-filled as before.

"What's wrong?"

His feet shuffled against the woodchips, and he settled himself into the swing next to mine. "I was just kidding about that stalking stuff…"

I continued to ignore him, closing my eyes tight and leaning forward.

"Luke, you love me too, don't you?"

The voice came randomly, sneaking in despite the barrier in my mind, and sending another shiver down my spine. I hated that I remembered everything so clearly; how heartbroken he'd looked when he asked, how tightly he'd held my hand. And how guilty I still felt; for everything.

He just wanted me to love him…

And I couldn't even do that…

I felt a hand tentatively touching my arm, and my eyes shot open. The man's grin was long gone, replaced by a solemn impression; his eyes teasing concern. He shifted closer, cocked his head to the side. "You're…you're not okay, are you?"

I opened my mouth, intending to lie, but the kindness I saw in his blue eyes changed my mind. Instead, I shook my head fervently, biting my lip hard. His hand shifted slightly, and he pursed his lips. "Did someone hurt you?"

I took a shaky breath, struggling to steady my voice. "That's none of your—"

"—I know that; just…you really look like you want to cry. Even before, when I first saw you, it looked like you were holding back tears…" His hand softly rubbed my jacket, a form of console. I tried to ignore the sparks that evoked from the simple touch, the feeling that if he touched me any more than that, I'd probably burst into flames. "If you wanna cry about it, don't be afraid to. It doesn't make you weak."

He removed his hand and looked forward, staring off into the far distance. "My dad…he always used to tell me that crying was for girls. That if I ever cried, I'd just be a…" he paused, and hit the rings of the swing-set hard. "…Anyway, I wasn't allowed to cry growing up. Or show any emotion, really." He turns back to me, a sad smile on his face. "…That's why; I take advantage of it now. I'm not with him anymore, so whenever I cry now, there's a sort of…weird relief. I don't know, maybe that I don't have to worry anymore. No one will hurt me."

Another small smile spread across his face. "I spent so much of my life moving around, going to here and there…and I never really got the chance to be a kid; to be me. I mean, my dad always told me that I'd grow up and join the army, just like him. Just like him. I don't wanna be anything like him, ever…" He paused, and gave a sheepish grin. "Sorry, I got carried away talking about him. It's weird, because it used to be so hard to even think about, but now…" He cocked his head, bit his lip shyly. "Or maybe it's just you."

My mouth opened in shock, and I forced the words to come out. "Are you…I mean, your father; he was…?"

"A colonel," he said with another distant look. "I was supposed to be just like him, too. But I'm not. I can't be. I'm everything he hates in a person…" Quickly, he turned back to look at me. "But knowing that…I actually feel really happy." He leaned forward, the goofy grin reappearing on his face. "Military brat; Noah Mayer, at your service." His hand awkwardly reached around the metal swings, and he placed it near me. I stared at the hand before looking back at his face; Noah's face.

After a beat, he smiled softly."I promise I don't have cooties." I shook my head and grabbed his hand.

"Luke Snyder…no title." He smiled, and I noted how absolutely dazzling his smile really was; the way he firmly held my hand; how he leaned forward until our eyes met, and how, for a moment, we both forgot to let go. Up close, I could see how deep his eyes seemed. They were a blue that couldn't be matched, a blue that seemed as endless and blue as all the oceans combined. He had curls that fell onto his forehead, and I had the sudden urge to run my fingers through it. And that thought brought a pang to my heart. I'd never had that urge with him.

It doesn't matter if he is gay…you'd find a way to hurt him, too.

So let go, Luke.

Or is hurting one person not enough for you?

As if I'd been shocked, I abruptly pulled my hand away, watching the way Noah's face crumbled with slight embarrassment and disbelief. I gulped and turned away, placing my hand in my lap.

"Uh…sorry," Noah muttered sheepishly. I shook my head and bit my lip again.

"It's okay…"

For a moment we sat quietly, with only the sound of metal clinking perturbing the peace. In the distance, I heard birds chirping. The irony of life was that this morning, I'd awoken with birds chirping outside his window, and at that time, I'd found them incredibly irritating, even telling them to shut up. But now, I welcomed their cheerful chirps with a slight quirk of my lips, feeling as though I'd been reborn. And maybe I had been.

"You make me feel alive…"

The unwelcome voice sneaked through again, and I felt that familiar tight restriction of my throat.

Then do you feel dead when I'm not around?

Did I kill you by leaving?

My eyes welled up again, and I shyly looked back at Noah. He was staring straight at me, his mouth slightly open. His eyes darted away, and then fell back on my face. He cleared his throat. "Do you…wanna cry?"

I opened my mouth, trying to ignore the feeling of constraint. "Would you-would you care if I did?"

"I-I would rather see you smile, but if you have to cry…just do it."

I nodded, and wordlessly allowed the tears to fall. They streamed down, and soon I was hiccupping with sobs. I heard Noah shuffle, and looked to see him right in front of me again. He leaned down, and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. And I nearly did burst into flames. There was a heat that radiated from him, seeping into every fiber of my being, and touching my heart that had been on the verge of freezing. My eyes shut tight, and I allowed him to stand us both up. My arms gripped at his shoulders, digging into the skin, and my face buried into his neck.

"I'm a terrible person…" I whispered with a voice that kept breaking.

"No, you're not…" he whispered back.

"No, I am…I really am."

"I don't believe that." His grip around my waist tightened slightly, and I found myself gulping for air.

"You don't know what I did…" I managed to choke out.

"That's right. And even if I did…I'd have no right to judge you. No one would."

I sniffled, and I lifted my head up, meeting Noah's eyes. And I realized that above everything else, I wanted to talk; to Noah. "…I-I had a boy…a boyfriend who really, really loved me…"

"Luke, you don't have to—"

"—I know, but…I want to. Maybe I need to." I paused, and took a deep breath, allowing my gaze to fall onto Noah's sweatshirt. "We…we've been together, since I was 16. He was actually the reason I came out in the first place…and my parents absolutely love him. I mean, he was smart, funny, hard-working, and whenever he came over, he always brought home-made food or flowers, or something…" I gulped.

"He was…perfect." I looked back up at Noah, and he gave me a gentle smile, urging me on. "I-I want to love him. I really do…but I can't. I don't know why, but I just can't. But I could never tell him that…and then yesterday, I-we…" I paused again, remembering how he had kissed me sweetly, spoken sweetly; using every line he'd tried to keep to himself. And when the two of us had fallen into bed, he'd looked into my eyes. Asking the one question that tore me apart:

"You love me too, don't you Luke…?"

It wasn't a word I'd said often, but at that moment I forced it out, and watched as his face crumbled. "No, you don't…you don't even like me touching you, kissing you, and we've never even once…" And at that moment, I'd panicked, because despite the fact that I didn't love him, he was someone who loved me. And in my mind at that moment, he might be the only person who ever would. And I didn't want to be alone, ever. With a deep breath, I'd reached up and kissed him breathless, dragging his hand into my pants.

I want you to…now…" I'd whispered. And he'd leaned down, kissing me and slowly slipping off my clothes, while I struggled to ignore the feelings of guilt. Then, when it was all over, with him breathing heavily beside me, our naked bodies separated with a bed sheet, I'd told him the truth, turning away when his eyes flooded with tears. And now, with the memory still fresh in my mind, I found myself gulping for more air.

"I hurt him, Noah…I hurt him so badly…"

I buried my head into his neck again. He gave me a tight squeeze. "You told him the truth, Luke. That's all he should ask for—"

"—he wanted me to love him…"

"And it's no one's fault if you can't. That just means…he isn't the one for you. That the one for you is still waiting to find you…"

"Noah…"

"You're not a terrible person, Luke…at least not to me."

I breathed into his neck, wondering why I'd never felt this way before. And I thought back to when I first saw Noah, with his obnoxious smirk and mischievous eyes. And I wondered if this was fate's work at hand; him watching me, approaching me, opening up to me, and allowing me to open up to him.

The one for me…is it possible that he found me already?

And I decided that it was fate.

"Noah." I said softly.

"Yeah…?"

"No, I just…I wanted to say your name."

Noah's body stiffened, and he slowly pulled away. For a moment, he stood staring at me. After a while, he reached into his sweatshirt pocket and pulled out his camera. He pressed a few buttons, before pushing it into my hand. "Look at that," he ordered. Tentatively, I lifted it up to my face, and found myself staring at a picture of…me. Moments before Noah spoke to me. My eyes were shut tight, and the wind was blowing my bangs in stray direction. Even my lips seemed like they were quivering. I looked up at Noah, wrinkling my eyebrows in confusion.

"What—"

"—you may not be smiling, but that's what your boyfriend saw whenever he looked at you. Someone absolutely beautiful." His mouth dropped open slightly, as though he hadn't meant to say that, and a blush began to warm his face. He started to turn his head, but I grabbed it and turned it back to face me. For a moment, we stood staring at each other. And while looking up into his ocean-like eyes, I saw my face reflected in the orbs; a scared and tired face, but one thing stood out. I looked…anxious. And the fact that staring at Noah, touching him, could make me feel so much, gave me hope.

"I want to kiss you…" Noah whispered hurriedly. "But I-I won't if you don't want me to."

I bit my lip again, and gently roamed my finger down Noah's face."I…I want you to."

I want you to…

I want him to…

The simple fact that I meant the words failed to shock me. Taking a deep breath, Noah leaned down hesitantly, until his warm breath tickled my face. His lips slowly captured mine, and I felt a shiver run down my spine, combining with the fiery heat that I'd felt before. With lips moving against one another, I wrapped my hands around his neck, holding on for dear life. His hands circled around my waist, and after a tight squeeze, he pulled away. We stood staring again, before each letting out a nervous laugh. It was nearly sundown by now, but I failed to notice that, or the fact that my guilt and heartache from earlier had temporarily been forgotten. I even failed to notice that the birds had long ago left us alone. I could only think one thing.

I want to be your world…