A Drunken Mustachioed Marriage
Disclaimer: RWBY is owned by Rooseter Teeth in Austin, Texas.
Jaune Arc, awakens with a pounding headache. He tries to go back to sleep, not wanting to face the day before he notices something suspicious. There seems to be a large heat source sleeping next to him and for some reason, he can feel some sort of bristly hairs nuzzled into his chest. When confronted with this new information, he is initially confused, that is until he remembers several crucial facts. The first fact he remembered is that Jaune Arc is the living embodiment of Murphy's Law, which simply means that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Secondly, he remembers that, Yang dragged him and his friends out to a bar last night, where he unfortunately had too much to drink. Now normally, this would not be cause for alarm, as many people drink without serious consequences. The problem is that Jaune Arc is not many people. You see, when Jaune Arc gets drunk, he typically ends up making idiotic life changing decisions usually involving the subject of matrimony. With that, Jaune Arc groans as he realizes he has managed to find himself in yet another alcohol induced marriage.
"Oh for crying out loud." Jaune mutters to himself before slowly opening his eyes and looking down toward his chest in attempt to figure out who he married this time. He is met with a large mass of flesh with grey hair on the top of it. Upon noticing that this mass was also sporting bushy grey eye brows which seem to hide the person's eyebrows and a large gray mustache, Jaune realizes exactly who his new significant other actually is. It is none other than his large, blabber mouth professor of Grimm Studies, Peter Port. Upon realizing this, his left eye begins to twitch violently as the burly man wakes up and looks into Jaune's eyes. Seemingly unperturbed by waking up cuddling with the young knight, the portly man calmly says,"Why good morning Mr. Arc, what brings you here? Do you wish to hear more harrowing tales of my youth?" Jaune promptly gets out of bed, walks over to a window while completely ignoring the fact that he is naked, and screams at the top of his lungs toward the sky. He walks back into the room, completely ignoring the professor and turns to face some unseen person.
"Okay, that's it! I am sick and tired of all you idiots out there who seem to think that it's oh so hilarious to keep putting me into the kinds of situations! Surely you can think of something better to write about than me getting drunk and ending up married to some random individual who I often know little to nothing about. Do you have any idea how many failed marriages I have because of you sick freaks?! My life has been nothing but absolute chaos ever since some lunatic by the name of Austin Ga Kill decided to write a story about me getting drunk and ending up married to Winter Schnee. Do you have any idea how awkward it is to wake up with the older sister of a girl who I had a crush on for months? How do you think she felt when she discovered that her sister, who she idolizes, got married while intoxicated? Do you understand how much it messed her up to discover that a boy who was constantly pestering her about going out with him is now here brother? That's not even considering the fact that I would later end up marrying her as well, which meant that I technically married my sister. That's not even considering the fact that Winter is almost 10 years older than me. What's worse is that she isn't even the largest age gap I've had to deal with, since one of you morons decided it would be a good idea to have me marry Glynda freakin' Goodwitch of all people. You people have made me marry everyone from the sweet innocent Ruby Rose all the way to my school bully Cardin Winchester!" Jaune says before taking a chance to breath.
"You people don't seem to understand just how weird you all have managed to make my life. One of you jokers thought it would be so funny to put a man with Arc level fertility into a marriage with a Rabbit Faunus of all things, do you know how many kids Velvet has now? Not to mention all the kids from my other drunken marriages. I have somehow managed to 57 children, 39 grandchildren, 15 great grandchildren and I even have a great, great granddaughter on the way; which makes absolutely no sense considering I only went through puberty six years ago. Between alimony and child support I practically have enough debt to drive the Schnee Dust Company into bankruptcy, do you know what dirt tastes like? Because that's all I can even afford to eat at this point. Then there's the fact that I can't even divorce most of the women due to the fact that you sadistic jerks keep invoking the Arc promise crap as a way to prevent me from getting out of these situations. Don't even get me started about the fact that I have multiple wives right now, which is supposed to be illegal by the way. Although at this point, the Vale Council has probably passed a law to legalize polygamy just to accommodate my idiotic mistakes. They probably even called it the "Jaune's Drunken Marriage Act of 2018. Then there's all the angry parents who are trying to kill me for corrupting their innocent children. But those people don't even register as a threat compared to what my own mother and my seven sisters will do to me once they get their hands on me. I'm honestly happy that none of them have been on the show yet, because the moment they do appear, I'm sure one of you will end up making me marry them as well, incest is not wincest people, it's just disgusting." Jaune quickly took in another breath before continuing on his rant.
"You want to know just how bad things have gotten? Well let's just take a look at some of the people you psychopaths have managed to pair me up with. First of all my family tree looks more like a string board of some conspiracy nut at this point due to the fact that many of the people you put me with are related. I have somehow ended up as the husband, sister-in-law and father-in-law of Yang Xiao Long because you people decided it would be funny if I also ended up married to Ruby Rose and Raven Branwen, not to mention the fact that I'm also the father of Yang's child, making the situation even more bizarre. You've also managed to put me in a marriage with Kali Belladonna, a woman that I didn't even realize existed until I married her. I've barely even had any interactions with her daughter Blake (who for some reason has two different drunken marriage stories with me by the way) how the heck am I supposed to interact with the mother of a girl I barely even know? I suppose that it's better than some of my marriages though considering some of the other people you've paired me with since Kali is a very caring woman. You jerks also put me in a marriage with some very evil women as well. As if it wasn't bad enough that you put me in a marriage with Cinder Fall, the very woman who murdered my partner by the way, you also decided it would be a good idea to make me marry the Queen of the Grimm herself Salem. I'm training to be a huntsman you idiots, our job is to kill the creatures of Grimm, do you have any idea how awkward it is to be married to one? Not to mention I'm not even sure Grimm can get drunk. And don't even get me started on the fact that you somehow managed to get Penny Polendina drunk as well. She's a robot for crying out loud! It shouldn't even be possible for an inorganic being to end up drunk but you managed to find a way for the sole purpose of screwing with me." Jaune takes another deep breath before he continues. At this point his face is beginning to turn red.
"And that's another thing, do you have any idea how ridiculous some of those stories are? Not to mention the poor writing that accompanies some of them. A l0t off dem r soo pourle riten dat u cant barly evin undirst nd dem, juzt licke dis sentinc =). And don't ask me how I managed to verbalize that emoticon because I have no clue how I did it. There's also the fact that with the exception of "A Drunken Arcwitch Marriage" and "A Drunken Marriage with Tea", most of them don't even have a real plot to follow. What's worse is that there seems to be a rule that you can only write one of them, which means if somebody who isn't able to write as well gets to them first, then that pairing will be doomed to mediocrity. Then there's the fact that most of the stories end up unfini
"I also have to worry about my health as well. Do you have any idea how stressful it is to have dozens of wives? That's not even mentioning what all the drinking does to me, I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic at this point. Not to mention the fact that my liver is probably more scar tissue than organ at this point thanks to a little thing called Cirrohsis. You know what? I'm done with this crap, I'm out of here." Jaune says before he puts his clothes on and walks out the door.
"Wait, where are you going?" Port says. "Alcoholic Anonymous!" Jaune replies from down the hall. "I thought we had something special... Oh well, at least I still have you." The bed shifts slightly as a small black and white Corgi drunkenly stumbles out from under the sheets. "Arf..." Zwei says.
Announcements: Well, that's a wrap. This was my very first Fan Fic so I hope you all enjoy it. This will not be my last, as I plan on releasing much more ambitious projects in the future. Please leave a comment if you enjoyed the story. If you didn't like it, leave a comment as well, I'm new at this so I need all the feedback I can get.
Coming Soon: A Drunken Nyan Marriage
"SONOFA-" Jaune yells before he was knocked out by a disembodied hammer slamming into his head.