Lilith didn't fight him – she threw her arms out and laughed, and that's when it clicked.
She wanted this.
His hopped up on the, ugh, blood, mind started whirling like crazy and through the fog of self loathing and longing for forgiveness, determination to keep Dean and Bobby and the world safe at all costs, theories started popping out faster almost than he could truly process them.
Lilith wasn't fighting. She wanted Sam to kill her. Her death must lead to something sinister. Could it be? That if he killed her she would win. Her victory would be letting Lucifer out. Lilith's death equaled opening of the Cage? The Cage would open if he didn't stop. Sam had to stop.
Sam stopped.
It pained him physically, a sharp splinter in his heart, because this, all this he was doing with one goal in mind – to avenge Dean and earn himself his forgiveness, the right to be called Dean's brother again, even if the price was his death. But if he was right, if Lilith and, god, if Ruby led him astray and was doing it all to raise Lucifer then he had to, he had to stop.
He lowered his hand slowly.
Lilith frowned at him, which only further enforced his feeling. Yes, he did right to stop.
"What is it, boy? Did you see the light, finally? You can't defeat me!" she taunted him and Sam wanted, craved to rip her apart for what she'd done to Dean but he was almost sure that it would lead to something bad.
Ruby snarled from behind him. "What are you doing, Sam?! You can do it, you can avenge Dean! You're so close! The world is almost safe! Finish it!" she encouraged but if Sam was right then she was bad. She's always been bad. She's gotten under their skin, got him to trust her, even Dean to tolerate her, saved their lives, had their backs. Has it always been to use him? Or did she really think this would save the world?
The mess that was his mind was overwhelming. His head was spinning. He made a step back and almost fell over but righted himself at the last second. What now, what now?
Lilith narrowed her eyes, her furious gaze boring into his mind. "I was the one who had your precious brother ripped to shreds and dragged to Hell. It was me who gave his bright, terrified soul to Alastair for him to tarnish it. And he did it well! Don't you want to avenge Dean, Sammy? Didn't you come here to destroy me, like I did to him?"
Sam swallowed, his throat barely working, his vision swimming minutely. He wanted, he wanted, his fingers itched, the power pulsated in his veins promising victory. But she wanted it too! He couldn't do what she wanted. It was bound to be bad.
"So what's stopping you now?" Lilith taunted him with a cruel smile on her perfect lips. "You're all trained, topped up with demon blood, ready to do what you came here for. What's stopping you? SPEAK!" she shrieked, suddenly angry. "Didn't your Dean cut you lose? After all you did to save him, all you had to put yourself through, he didn't like your methods and instead replaced you with that angel buddy of his! And after this? You can't go back to him!"
She was right, he couldn't. Dean would kill him now, on sight. Probably. Maybe? That voice-mail indicated it was all over. That's why Sam entered this cursed convent anyway. Dean, his protector, parent, brother and best friend in one since Sam could remember; hated him. Despised him. Sam's eyes filled with tears, his heart breaking all over again, sharp edges biting into his throat and lungs.
After hearing that message, he came in to kill that bitch and die with her. And suddenly he stopped cold.
How did she know all that?
But before his scrambled brain could process that new bit of information, through the haze filtered the sound of footsteps hurrying down the corridor leading to this chamber, and a cherished voice calling out his name.
Sam stopped breathing.
He didn't dare to turn around and look, scared of what he would see on Dean's face. Rage? Hate? Disgust? Fear?
Dean should never be scared of him. Sam would give anything in the world to have Dean call him his little brother again, hug him, tuck him in at night, kiss his forehead and call him bitch, say "I gotcha, Sammy."
Sam's eyes stayed trained on Lilith as the heavy doors closed with a bang. He was shuddering uncontrollably, completely thrown. What now, what he was supposed to do now?
"Kill her, Sam. DO IT!" Ruby shrieked behind him. He'd forgotten about her.
She betrayed him. She betrayed Dean.
Anger filled his veins anew and he was glad he was there. All the power she taught him how to use, all that pent up pain, pulsating in his chest, demanding to be let out. And he let it out.
On Ruby.
She had the time to scream before her empty vessel fell to the ground.
Lilith roared. Her milky white eyes started glowing with power and she bared all her teeth in a shark smile. "Oh Sammy. Why would you waste your power on low level scum like that if you have such a power here to battle? Lets battle!" her voice boomed in the chamber right before a lance of pure force his him square in the chest.
Sam's knees buckled and he fell, grunting through clenched teeth, as the most intense pain he's ever felt blossomed where she hit him. Agony. It was agony, it was killing him!
Instinctively he pushed back with his own power, his hand raising automatically, but the sound of banging on the heavy wooden doors sobered him and he let it fall again, drawing back all the flimsy tendrils of power he had fighting her. Right away the burning agony returned, consuming him whole, taking his breath away, most of his capacity to think; everything halted in the wake of that pain. And he let it, barely feeling it as his head hit the stone floor. He had come in here ready to die. He had only hoped that he could take Lilith with him but if that's what she wanted the he couldn't do it.
And maybe when Dean will finally come in with his angel and find Sam dead and Lilith alive, he'll forgive him because Sam saw light and in the end heeded at least part of his orders.
He closed his eyes tightly as his body lurched and a coppery tang filled his mouth. The pain receded slowly allowing him to gulp a few breaths of air as she screamed at him "Fight me, Sam Winchester! FIGHT ME!"
And then the doors banged open revealing Dean Winchester, standing there with a heavy candle-holder in his hands.
He took in the dead vessel of Ruby laying at his feet, the glowing figure of Lilith, standing on the steps leading to the altar, fury twisting her features, but most of all he focused on Sam. His little brother was lying on the floor, body curled and trembling, smearing his own blood all over the floor and his face. At first Dean thought it was demon blood but then he saw the puddle on the floor growing as the kid choked and more of his life force trickled out of his mouth.
He saw it all and his heart twisted in fear for Sam but at the same time he felt confusion. Why was Ruby dead? Why wasn't Sam fighting? According to both his brother and his brother's demon Sam was ready to take Lilith on and win so why was she literally wiping the floor with him?!
So he did the only thing he could and prayed for Castiel to come and take them out of there as he ditched the candle-holder and dove to get to Sam, feeling the sheer power radiating from Lilith taking his breath away, making his skin tingle and hurt all over like it was being stretched to the limits of it's capacity; the tips of his fingers vibrating where he touched them to Sam's trembling body.
Lilith screamed her rage and the air fled the room, Dean now not able to draw a single breath but holding on fast to his brother's tense body.
And then there was a hand on is head and he saw another one attached to an arm clad in an olive jacket reaching for Sam, a booming voice in his ears, a lurch in reality and suddenly he was thrown on a bed, Sam beside him, as the one being he'd have never expected to see in such circumstances straightened beside the bed.
Dean's mouth fell open and the Trickster snorted. "Hi there Deano!" he said with a sardonic smile twisting his lips. Then his gaze slid to Sam and he sighed, his expression turning back to grim.
"What have you done to yourself, kiddo?" he muttered as Sam continued writhing, choking on his pained grunts and the still seeping blood. With delicacy Dean never expected from him, Loki put his hand on Sam's face and soon the younger Winchester's breathing eased, blood disappeared from his mouth and cheeks, his muscles gradually stopped their trembling. However there was still a tension in his frame even as Loki retracted his hand saying "There, all better." Dean observed as their eyes locked and he couldn't decipher the meaning behind their looks.
There was too much history that he didn't know about between the two of them.
Then the demigod inclined his head minutely and stepped back from the bed. "Now, you two play nice. I need to go check on little Castiel and contain Lilith somewhere safe." He smiled wryly and shook his head in a gesture of wonderment. "You fucked up the combined plans of Heaven and Hell pretty good, I've got to admit." he said, mostly looking at Sam.
Then he raised his hand, snapped his fingers and disappeared, leaving the brothers alone.
As soon as the Trickster was gone Sam tried to sit up. He was still alarmingly weak though, so he only managed to hold himself up on quivering arms for a couple of seconds before he fell back down with a grunt. Ever the obstinate, Sam started to lever himself up again.
Dean immediately reached to help him, everything that's been bad between them lately disappearing in the wake of his concern for Sammy, but to his shock Sam flinched away from him, doubling his efforts to get up. Beads of sweat started rolling down his forehead, his breathing harsh and fast but still he forced his body to cooperate with his mind's wishes.
And maybe he'd have succeed if not for the fact that Dean, now simply freaking out as everything that's happened in the last few hours caught up with him and having Sam flinch away from him, put his hand on Sam's heaving chest and pressed him back down into the soft pillows.
Ignoring the way his little brother's body jolted under is palm, Dean glared at him to keep him in his place while easing up on his chest a little, Sam's wheezing was a horrifying sound he didn't like one bit.
"Sam, what's wrong with you?" he asked insistently. Sam winced and Dean realized that he may have made a poor choice in words. "Okay, what's the matter with you?" he rephrased impatiently. He needed Sam to talk to him.
The kid stared up at him a few seconds like he was waiting for something but Dean didn't even blink, so he opened his mouth finally, only to say "...nothing."
Now if Sam wasn't hurt and the atmosphere was a little lighter Dean may have swatted him or rolled his eyes. Right now though he was scared and Sam was lying and not even trying to pretend he wasn't so Dean did what he's always done in the times like these.
He got pissed.
"Lying to me again? Didn't we establish that that's a bad idea?" he sneered leaning a little more over his younger brother and glaring at him again.
Sam's face twisted in what could only be called grief before he controlled himself, glaring right back. "And you're what, pretending everything's fine between us? What for? I mean I know you like to play with your prey a little before you kill it but seriously?" he said, his heart pounding in his chest. He was scared. He was terrified, because for whatever reason the Trickster took him together with Dean away from that convent and his death at the hands of Lilith and left him alone with his brother. Maybe Loki'd thought he'd be doing him a favor but actually right then Sam would have preferred to have been left on that cold stone floor, tortured and bleeding, because truly, he would rather be killed by a demon, than his own beloved brother.
Dean's anger notwithstanding he recoiled as though Sam had slapped him, frowning in dismay. "What are you talking about?" he asked, almost dreading the answer. Where was this coming from? Sam as his prey? What?!
"Like you don't know." Sam said in a strained voice. He wanted to sound angry and fierce but it was no use. He just couldn't make himself when all he felt was his shattered heart sending pain pulsing all over his body.
"No I fucking don't." Dean insisted, hesitated a little and then continued softer "I know there's been a lot of shit between us for the last, hell, year? More? But..." Sam's breath caught in his throat. "Sam?"
Sam stared at him, wide-eyed and scarcely breathing, looking ridiculously like the proverbial deer in the headlights. It would've been funny if it wasn't so confusing and scary because Sam was afraid of Dean. When they had parted after that fight Sam had been tall, strong, confident. He had fought Dean and nearly strangled him. And now, what happened?
Anyway the younger brother didn't seem like was going to say anything anytime soon so Dean once more took the initiative.
"Sam...?" he asked tentatively, sliding a tiny bit closer to his brother on the bed.
"Why are you doing this?" Sam whispered, his breathing picking up and taking on a hysterical notch which Dean was not happy about.
"Why I am doing what? Sam? You maybe wanna elaborate, huh?" he cajoled gentling his tone a little.
"This- this, why are you doing this to me?!" Sam almost whimpered, closing his eyelids tightly, his lip trembling. "Why are you pretending? I can't-" he choked on air and Dean was seriously freaking out now. Sammy was crying.
"Whoa, Sammy, not pretending, I'm not pretending anything! Okay? Deep breath, little brother, deep breath." Dean soothed but the nickname only agitated the kid more. Dean was at his rope's end, he had no idea what was going on, what he was supposed to now and why Sam was the way he was. It all made no sense to him but he had to try because this was leading them nowhere fast.
"Hey? I know I've been a dick lately, we both had our moments, but Sam, wherever that bit about you supposedly being my prey came from, that's a load of bull, okay? I don't think that! Never could, never will. Calm down now, you're safe, everything's fine." Dean said quietly, his hand going to Sam's hair to stroke slowly through the damp strands. That's how he had calmed baby Sammy down when he'd been upset and it always worked like a charm.
This time too, the younger man seemed to be comforted by the gesture, his breathing finally slowing back down, muscles relaxing minutely.
A couple minutes passed before Dean dared to stop his comforting mantra and ask again "Sam, man? You maybe wanna tell me what this was about? Because I'm a little freaked here." I truth he was plenty freaked but he knew if he started panicking he'd get angry again and Sam would just flip. That was the last thing they needed so he reeled his fear in and put all of himself into the big brother mode.
Sam sighed deeply and opened his eyes to look at his brother. The last hour or so has been likely the most confusing hour or so in his whole life. Since hearing that voice-mail message he's been convinced that Dean hated him and if he ever saw him again he'd be killed before he could so much as open his mouth to apologize. Then he discovered that apparently Lilith wanted to die, Ruby had betrayed him, Dean has been right since the beginning, he himself was a suicide risk, and, for some reason, Loki had come to their aid, depositing them in some... somewhere with a big bed and fluffy pillows and vanishing. But the most important thing was that Dean hasn't made a single move to kill him yet. Moreover, his brother seemed more confused than anything, hearing Sam's poor explanations. First seeds of doubt crept into his scrambled brain and Sam was too tired to fight the faint sparks of hope that bloomed in his chest.
Sighing once more, Sam gave up. "Your voice-mail." he said simply. Apparently though, it was going to be more difficult than that, seeing as Dean furrowed his brows practically radiating incomprehension.
"Uh, yeah, what of it? I mean I'm... I thought I should clear the air between us a little because turns out the angels are grade-A dicks with wings and I understood a lot trapped in that greenroom. I thought it would... help, you know?" he said.
Sam snorted. "Help? Well if it helped you, to vent all your hate into the phone then I guess it was helpful." he said bitterly, finally gathering the strength to sit up, resting his feet on the floor, his back to Dean, shoulders hunched.
"What do you mean my hate? Sam?" Dean asked insistently. Something was not adding up here.
This time it was something akin to a growl that escaped Sam's throat before he took a deep breath and steadied himself. "I mean exactly what I said. What? You don't remember how you called me a bloodsucking freak and practically disowned me? It's barely been an hour! You know, you could at least be honest with me. I know you think I don't deserve that but you may have noticed that I didn't kill Lilith after all."
Dean sat, dumbstruck. "That's not what I said."
"What?" Sam tensed and turned around to face Dean. "What?!"
"Sam, I don't know what you heard but I said that I owed you a beat-down but that I had no right to tell you what I had and that no matter what we are brothers. That's what I said!" Dean rushed to explain, hoping desperately that Sam would believe him because this was seriously fucked up. No wonder Sam had gone in...
Sam stared at him for long seconds, his expression melting from heavily guarded to suspicious to cautiously hopeful. "That's... but, how?" he asked finally, his voice softer, on the verge of breaking.
"I don't-" Dean started but then Zachariah's face appeared in his mind and he knew. Welcome anger flooded his veins but this time it was not at Sam but at one disingenuous dick with wings. "Zachariah."
"Zachariah?" Sam repeated after him sounding like a lost child.
"Yeah. He actually said it to my face that you'll need a little nudge in the right direction. Fuck! I should've suspected that there would be a catch! I mean they imprisoned me so I wouldn't be able to go to you and I thought I could speak to you on the phone! God I'm so stupid!" Dean raved. Sam just sat there and looked progressively less and less tense and more and more hopeful and broken.
The sight was tearing Dean's heart to pieces, it always have. "Hey," he added softer. "it's okay now. Cas let me out and brought me to that convent and now we're safe, okay?" At least I hope we are, after all the Trickster brought us here and who knows what his agenda is...
Sam nodded slowly and in that moment he looked so much like his five-year-old self Dean couldn't help himself. He held his arms out and Sam hesitated only for half a second before he flung himself at his big brother and clung for dear life. Dean gathered him close, burying his nose in Sam's hair and clung right back, finally feeling all the jagged pieces in his chest healing back into the precious bond between them.
There was just one more thing. "God, Sammy." he breathed into his baby brother's ear. "Have you got any idea how scared I was? When I got to that convent and saw you facing off with that bitch I was scared that you'd do something you'd regret later but it was nothing compared to when I busted through that door."
Sam made a low sound in his chest, fitting himself even tighter against his brother's body.
"I saw Ruby dead first 'cause I actually almost tripped over her body, but then I saw you and it was-" Dean cut himself off, the mere memory sending ice through his veins. "What was that all about though? I thought you could take her?" he asked after a second.
Sam sighed against his collarbone and loosened his grip a fraction. "I could." he confirmed. "But when I tried to she didn't even fight me. She just laughed and I... it just, it was wrong, you know? She's immortal, the most loyal of Lucifer's minions. Why would she want me to kill her? Unless it was something sinister... So, I stopped." he finished quietly. His fingers picked at a loose thread in Dean's jacket absently.
"Well that makes sense." Dean said. Sam blinked at him, surprised, so he hastened to explain. "I told you Cas and that dick Zachariah trapped me in the greenroom, right?" Sammy nodded. "At first I just ranted and raved so they would let me out and I could go to you, you know? And Zachariah just laughed and said that they can't do that because I would interfere with their plans. You were supposed to go and kill Lilith because that would open the Cage and let Lucifer out. Apparently not only Hell wanted the Apocalypse to come." Dean explained, watching as Sam's face whitened further. He didn't look incredibly shocked but more devastated.
"Hey, Sammy, look at me, man. It's okay now. We're here, Lilith's still alive and you stopped. I always knew you could make a good use of that brain of yours!" he joked fondly and the corners of Sam's lips twitched.
The younger man was exhausted, physically and mentally. Completely drained of all energy. Now that he was safe and finally reconciled with his older brother whatever fumes of adrenaline he's been running on left his system and he was ready to crash.
He swayed where he sat and Dean caught him before he hit his head on the headboard. He put in minimal effort to help his brother with arranging his own body on the bed but mostly just let Dean handle him. Laid down, his boots removed by his big brother, he gazed at Dean trying to convey all his gratitude in that one look and finally let himself rest.
Dean didn't even bother to conceal his feelings, not this time. Tenderly he helped Sammy lay down comfortably, unlaced and took his boots off and covered him with the comforter. He wished he could remove Sam's jacket too but the kid was already sleeping and in the end Dean decided to just let him rest.
Not everything was resolved yet. There were still questions to be answered, like where was Castiel, what was going to happen with Lilith and what the fuck was Loki doing helping them. Where did he even come from?! But for now Dean was just glad that he and his little brother were okay.
That was all that really mattered.
He slid beneath the covers next to Sam and closed his eyes, tuning in to hear Sam's calm, gentle breathing and his heart beating steadily. He fell asleep to that familiar lullaby, comforted by it. For the moment he was just happy he had the most important person in his life there with him, safe.
It was the first time in a long while that his sleep was restful and undisturbed.
What can I say I'm a sucker for good endings and I couldn't bear the fact that that voicemail message is still something they never talked about.
This was born because one day I thought to myself "what if Sam stopped himself from killing Lilith" and the idea wouldn't leave me. So, here. I don't have any ideas for possible next chapters but it's not set in stone I won't add anything yet. For now I'm preparing for my matura and it's scaring me enough to make me dedicate almost all my time to studying. But, we'll see.
Thank you for reading, I hope you like it :)
Supernatural does not belong to me. It belongs to Eric Kripke.