Episode – 4.01
Summary: Dean's back and Sam doesn't know if he should feel thankful or resentful.
Dear God,
It was an angel. That's what Dean said.
To be honest I don't really know where to start. It's been about four months since I stopped praying to you. Four months since I stopped believing in you. Now….I don't know what to believe. How am I supposed to feel? Dean's here; he's really here…this isn't some sick joke or some twisted nightmare. You brought him back to me. Or well, an angel did. Angels. It's just so hard for me to wrap my head around. First Dean's back…whole…alive. Suddenly it's an angel that's brought him back. I just don't know how to feel. I'm happy, of course I am. But I feel bitter and resentful. I mean, I tried everything, you know I did. But I couldn't bring him back; you didn't let me bring him back. How can I look him in the eye knowing that I failed him? That I let him down. I thought that if he came back the pain would go away, that the emptiness would go away. But it hasn't. And to make things worse, I'm already lying to him. I lied about Ruby…I just couldn't tell him the truth…I couldn't.
Is that why you brought him back? You don't agree with my crusade against Lilith, the way I'm going about it? Did you bring him back to spite me? I just…I mean I finally manage to get all of this stuff out of my head; block it all out and focus on my powers and this happens. This Castiel rescues Dean from hell and suddenly my brother is thrown back into my life. I know how selfish I sound but I can't just back out now because Dean is back, in fact that's why I have to continue? Right?
I don't know why I'm talking to you…I swore that I would never pray again, that I didn't believe in you…but you saved Dean…it must have been you. Maybe miracles do happen. I just wish you'd talk to me so I know that you're listening. I know that you exist now, I know. But I need you to help me, I need you to tell me what to do. I can't lie to Dean forever, Ruby's right. I don't even know if I can trust Ruby, I mean she was there for me when no one else was but what's her agenda? What exactly does she want from me? But that's not my most worrying problem. What worries me is the rage and anger inside me when I think of Lilith and what she did to Dean. It scares me you know, before Dean back I used to think that it'd get me killed. I used to be happy at the thought. But Dean's back now…he's back. I held him in my arms, touched him and it was real. You brought him back. You saved him. And I'm grateful, thankful, I swear I am.
I need you to save me. Save me from myself. Because I swear that I won't stop until I make Lilith pay, I won't. And if you know me, if you truly know me…you'll give me answers…you'll try and stop me. You'll stop me before it's too late.