Remember To Breathe
.-
She's fierce.
Steven Hyde has always known that much about Jackie Burkhart, even before she began dating one of his best friends. Back when she was just a doe eyed, cheerleading, force of nature and glamor. Back when she was the first underclassmen to win the illustrious title of homecoming queen, and would sashay down the halls with an impenetrable air of arrogance mixed with a superiority complex a mile wide. Too pretty for her own good and too smart to give a damn. Acting like for all the world, this dingy ass, rundown town owed her. That if nothing else, Point Place needs to pay it's dues for holding her back from which ever dream she has for that week, with all it's trappings of mediocrity.
The worst part of it is that she might not be totally off base.
She's the only Freshman that any of the senior guys look at with a twinkle in their eyes, the only one with a shrill enough voice to make'm cower in submission. She's loud, and abrasive, and does this thing where she wrinkles her upturned nose right before ripping to shreds anyone who she deems worthy of her ninety pound, label whoring wrath of fury.
He hates her purely on the principle of the thing.
Teenage dirtbags and prom queens to be don't mix, that's just logic. Just like it's logic that cars aren't supposed to ride on water, or that anything Mrs. Forman bakes is bound to be fantastic. And it's only logic that he starts to resent the pint-sized beauty queen for getting her perfectly manicured claws into his oldest friend right around the same time his other best friend is finally trying to make a move on the only girl Hyde has ever loved in any kind of way, and right when Edna makes her monthly topple off the wagon.
It's only logic that he, Steven Hyde, hates everything Jackie Burkhart has ever had to offer.
.-
Hyde's defected.
He's sure of it, there's something wrong in his DNA or some shit. Something that prevents him from conjuring up the appropriate feelings corresponding towards the right people. That's why he can't find it in himself to hate Edna— the only one of his parents who actually bothered enough to stay, even when she's smacking him upside the head after losing her lot in that night's poker match, or however many times she loves to remind Hyde that he's the sole purpose why her all too promising career as a performer at the Barnett Water Show met it's bitter end. It's almost like a pastime for her— telling Hyde that he's a mistake, in every sense of the word. He's the worst version of a kid that any parent would ever want. It's why Bud left before Hyde hit puberty. Why she resents him for it. Why she'll never forgive him for fettering her to the ugly underbelly of a small town existence. Forcing her to be a drunkard, single parent barely holding onto the vestiges of youth she still has left.
On those nights, when Edna would get so plastered that she couldn't stand straight, that she'd start singing some sappy ballad about time lost and scorning all her ex lovers, were the nights Hyde hated the most. More than the hitting or teasing. It was those nights that solidified the fact in his mind that he's really not worth a damn, and he should stop pretending as much. He'll be blessed if he doesn't end up in prison, or knocking up a chick before he's graduated high school.
But whatever, Hyde's a mistake. A dirtbag. An insignificant piece of shit on someone's shoe. He knows that. He's over giving a damn about his inevitable fate, he's excepted as much after living the truth of it for going on seventeen years.
In fact, Hyde doesn't care about anything.
not a damn thing.
Nothing.
Well excluding the hand full of pot heads he's somehow grown an unwavering loyalty towards, and attachment with. A cluster of mismatched individuals who's friendship was manufactured from a shared unconformity, and solidified by a decade of spending every god damn day in each other's orbits.
Hyde thinks they're the closest thing he's ever known to a family, and he hates the idea of altering that dynamic.
So one night, early in their junior year, , when he knows that Forman's gonna give big red his class ring, he tells Donna he cares for her, that he knows she cares for him too. Because Hyde knows it in his bones that the gang could deal with them being on again, off again. They're a casual match, he and Donna. More alike than not, with a shared cynicism towards how the establishment's keeping them down. Nothing particularly remarkable, or amazing in their union. They'd never be the sort to have their names written in the skies, or flourish into some sort of ridiculous caricature of the Little House On The Prairie . But Hyde thinks that they'd be decent to one another. That it's all kinds of fun when he kisses Donna. He knows that he won't ever blame her when she eventually move to Madison for college, and then to like Prague or some shit, following her dreams. Hyde and Donna wouldn't be much of anything after all, so it wouldn't be a big deal.
But her and Forman?
Eric and Donna are this generations Romeo and Juliette waiting to happen. Both way to lost on each other— trading heart eyes and dopey grins like it's an olympic sport. THey'd never be able to keep their feelings safely tucked away behind tinted shades, and an aloof exterior. And when they inevitably have their heartbreaking breakup, it'd demolish everything that Hyde has built for himself with this crew of dumbasses. A relationship sealed by brimstone and sheer force of will. The only relationship he's ever allowed himself to care for with any other person. One that'd probably hurt like hell losing.
So no, he can't let Forman admit his precious little feelings to the busty, girl next door. And if he has to get in the way, so be it. It's not a big deal, it's not like Hyde doesn't like Donna? That'd be insane! Even if she wasn't totally smoking.
Hyde likes the way the light catches in her pretty, ginger hair. Likes that she's not dandy when it comes to her opinion, or playing a round of ball. He likes just about everything that has to do with Donna. And fuck off if he doesn't get it when Forman talks about feeling queasy in his stomach when around her, like some girlie ass butterflies were swarming down there. Or that his palms don't get sweaty, like how Kelso's do whenever he's with Jackie. They probably only do that because she's berating him about being an idiot for something or the other, or Kelso's feeling guilty over something stupid like losing one of her pretty, pink unicorns.
That shit's unnecessary. At least he likes her as a person, which is way more than any of Edna's trashy fuck boys could ever say about whatever chick they're nailing. They've told Hyde time and time again that the only important quality in a broad is whether or not she can give'm a stiffy.
Screw that, at least Hyde respects Donna as an actual person.
That respect is why once he finds out later that night that they're finally together— subsequent to a sobered up Donna and Eric finally growing a pair to ask her to be his girl— Hyde's happy for them. Even if it's their own funeral they're paving the path towards.
He tells Eric as much, with the only caveat that he's not gonna let them fuck up the group. Warns him that he's not taking any of their dumbass sides if they break up.
Eric just laughs, cause he's never known what it's like to have the ground slipped right from under you. And Hyde just smiles, because he'd never want Forman, his brother in all but blood, to experience that kind of hurt.
.-
Hyde reckons he's a hypocrite, or maybe just too dumb to heath his own warnings.
But here he is, on the night of prom, renting a suit because he's begrudgingly agree to escort none other than the epitome of prep herself, Jackie freaking Burkhart, to his junior prom. And all because his dumbass of a best friend cheated on her by pawing at Pam Macy in public, and Jackie sobbed until Hyde lost his resolve.
Fucking hell, he's going weak.
The doorbell rings, and Hyde ignores the cursed taunting by his ma to answer, swiftly picking up the corsage he'd bought her on his way.
What Hyde doesn't expect is opening the door and promptly having the breath snatched right from his longs.
"Wow… You look beautiful."
She beams up at him, light curls framing her pretty face, and sugarplum pink dress making the green in her chestnut eyes flare with an unbridled amount of mirth.
Hyde doesn't know why his heart thuds at the sight, or why he suddenly has no words for this girl who he's always figured was the living embodiment of everyone that's ever told him he's not worth a damn.
"So do you."
Hyde barely registers himself handing her the corsage, or leading her away from Edna's uncharitable ribbing.
Someone like her belongs in-between the leather bindings of a fairytale book, and definitely not somewhere like here, in the dark recesses of society. Not where Hyde has created his own little corner of the galaxy.
.-
It's no surprise when the pretty cheerleader ends the night in the arms of her moronic ex-boyfriend, and Hyde finishes off in between the legs of the girl who broke them up in the first place.
Nor is it really a surprise when Kelso's incessant cheating catches up to him, finally blowing up in his face, and making him lose at least one of the girl's he's been juggling.
What is a surprise is that he gives up on Jackie so easily, opting to prance around with the she-devil herself. Especially after months of bitching about how much he loves her.
Another surprise is how much fun it is taking Jackie under his wing, teaching her the art of zen, and even getting to watch a totally sexy cat fight with her and Laurie. Which is never not a good sight— especially considering how Jackie totally beat her ass.
So that's it. Hyde thinks of Jackie as just another— if not a occasionally vapid— friend. Prom night was just a fluke, and sure she's hot. But hell, so is Donna, and even Laurie, you know, in her own special, hellish kind of way.
Jackie's just that. A hot chick who he can chill with. Ya know, when she's not running her trap.
Everything's cool. Hyde's just as aloof and untethered as always.
.-
Jackie thinks she's in love with him, and Hyde's convinced she's finally gone off her rocker.
But to be fair, Hyde reasons that so has he , considering the fact he's taken her side in every Kelso induced argument, went to jail— leading him to get kicked out of the only home he's ever felt welcomed in— over her bag of pot, and then punched some idiotic prick for actually calling her a bitch.
No, never mind. Hyde's sure of it. He's medically insane, and that''s why he cuts out of the Forman''s Veteran's Day barbecue early, to take Jackie out on a stupid date.
The worst part of the whole ordeal is that it's not the worst date he's ever been on— by a long shot. He'd probably deny it till his dying day, but Jackie's funny in her own quirky way. He likes hearing her talk passionately about crap that really has no importance outside of her shiny, Versace veneered bubble. He likes that she looks at him like he's not some injured, little fuck up. Like she's happy to be here, sitting besides him. She's not slumming it, she genuinely wants to give them, give him, a fair shot. And that's pretty cool… Really cool if he's being honest.
By the end of the date, they actually share a smile, something warm, something like nothing's Hyde's ever felt with a chick before.
Their eyes are still boring into each other when he ducks down, and she inclines her head forwards.
Hyde kisses the homecoming queen atop her daddy's pearly white Lincoln, and it doesn't feel like the end of the world as he knows it.
She tastes like lilac skies, and the gumdrop cookies Edna use to make while singing Sinatra on her especially good days, and like something quintessentially Jackie. . It's a kiss just on this edge of amazing, and Hyde hates that he might have to admit that she's actually been right all along.
But then she pulls away. Tells'm that there's no spark.
"Nothing?"
She shakes her head no, before he's forced to agree. Because fuck, what'd he think? That this is some sort of chick-flick. That the pampered, pretty girl would ever really choose the lowly, orphan boy in real life?
What a fucking joke.
He hops off the lid, and opens the door for her.
They grab a couple burgers and fries and talk like his tongue wasn't down her throat only half an hour prior, and it's fine. It's good.
He's never let his feelings for anyone cloud his judgment before, he won't start now.
.-
Months later, after she puts the final nail in the ever tumultuous coffin that was her relationship with Michael Kelso, they kind of fall into one another.
They spend the summer leading to his senior year kissing behind every shadowed corner, and tucked away crevasse.
She tells him it means nothing, and Hyde tells her the same. Because it doesn't. Because whatever he might've felt for Jackie was efficiently scuffed away by the heal of her red bottom heals months prior, and what they're doing now is just all heat, and lust, and mostly to do with the boredom of the summer getting to them.
That's what Hyde tells himself at least.
.-
"Oh my God! I win!" Jackie crows, leaping off her seat and shaking around in a risible excuse for dancing.
Hyde loses all interest in the chessboard, nodding approvingly at the way she moves in her tiny shorts and spaghetti top before she smacks him playfully.
"Hey man! I'm just appreciating the consolation prize!"
She just rolls her eyes at him before flopping back in her powder pink duvet, long dark hair fanning around her like a dark halo.
"You wanna stay over tonight?" Hyde thinks she's trying to ask as casually as possible, but he can see the hope in the quirk of her brow.
"Naw, man Forman had to tell his parents that I wasn't at breakfast this morning cause I was at the library. I didn't even know this town had a library!" He kind of feels his heart constrict at her disappointment. "You know Red'd freak if he found out I was spending the nights here, probably assume shit."
"Yeah, true." She pouts, averting her gaze. "You better get going then before Red starts to flip."
"Right… So you're ma still isn't back, huh?"
Hyde'd like to pretend that he doesn't shrink back at the sudden flash of rage in her eyes.
"No Steven! I told you! She's still working on her tan in Mexico." Jackie sits up, crossing her arms defensively. "We Burkhart women have a representative to uphold! If we're not the epitome of beauty, what'll people like Donna have to live up to! It's really a hard job Steven, we constantly have to be on our A game, or else the whole pyramid of beauty standards crumbles!"
"Ah huh…?"
Her lips pinch, brows scrunched together with no small amount of frustration.
"Look just take your surly attitude and get going, will you? I have a Tiger Beat to read."
"Jackie I'm not gonna leave you alone here. Now c'mon, tell me what the hell's actually going on! You're mom's been working on her tan for the last month!"
"Steven, it's real hard to get the perfect golden brown—"
"Jackie!"
"What!"
"Is you're mom even coming back home?"
The stutter in her answer right then is enough of a tell for Hyde to demand she packs an overnight bag. "You're staying the night with me at the Forman's."
She doesn't move, stance rigid, and set jaw.
"I don't need to stay with you Steven. I'm fine. I have my house keeper coming tomorrow morning, I'll be fine."
Hyde wants to argue, wants to shout that like fuck he's gonna leave his chick here in this enormous place all by herself overnight. That she shouldn't have such a fucking hardhead when it comes to him. That he knows that they started this thing off with steamy makeouts, but she should know it's moved way passed that. They— their relationship… it means the fucking world to him. This thing they have going for them is probably one of the most important things in his life. Hyde would've never risked his friendship with one of his oldest pals if it weren't.
Honestly, Hyde wants to shout that she should've told him when she realized Pam wasn't coming home. She should've trusted him, because yeah Hyde kind of sucks at the whole communicating with words thing. But he still would've tried, for her. Hell, he's pretty terrified because he's just about sure that there's not a single thing he wouldn't do for Jackie freaking Burkhart.
He does none of that. Partly because he has no idea where to even begin, and partly because he knows that even with all their differences, he and Jackie were cut from the same mold. Both to stubborn for what's good for them, and both to independent to admit they'd need anything at all from anyone.
So instead of all that, Hyde just putters up to her, rubs a hand up and down her arm with feeling.
"Look i'm kinda accustomed to having someone plastered all up on me while I sleep, and waking up cold cause she stole the blankets. If you don't come with me I'll probably never be comfortable in my cot alone."
Her glower is securely set on her face, but Hyde feels a thaw in her exterior.
"I don't steal the blankets, you throw them on me."
"Whatever you say doll," he kisses her temple, and when she squeezes him in an embrace, he pretends he doesn't feel her tears seeping through the material of his t-shirt. Just holds her tighter than ever before.
.-
She's all bubblegum laughter, and butter scotch kisses. Hyde thinks he loves her, thinks he's always loved her. Hates that it's taken him so long to tell her as much.
Hates it even more that the first time he's ever told her so is when the break between them is too raw— too jagged— to be able to mend with pretty platitudes like I love yous. When the thought of him and some random nurse is still seared in her mind, and tales the end of everything he manages to say to her.
Hyde isn't surprised when she storms out, when she tells him she doesn't feel the same way. Not anymore. And why should she?
Hyde hates that he let himself fall in love with her. Let himself feel the butterflies in his gut, and the sweat on his palms. Hates that he still thinks she's the most beautiful, brilliant girl on the face of the planet. Hates that when Kelso tells him that he's still going after her, all Hyde could think is that she deserves anyone but him, even a prick like Kelso.
Hyde hates that the only girl he's ever loved is the only girl he's ever hurt so irrecoverably.
.-
He realizes that he still has a shot with the one girl that's ever been worth a damn.
He fights for her. She leaves him for the summer, with the question of who she'll choose still suspended in his every breath
He kisses three other girls that summer, and none of them make him feel like his insides were bursting with something greater than glee. He concludes that the only person who'll ever make him feel like that is the one person he can never be with again.
Until she tells him she wants to be with him, and he kisses her like the fate of his world depended on it.
"I missed you puddin pop."
Hyde smiles against Jackie's lips, swears he'll never let go of this feeling again.
.-
"I need to know that there's a future for us."
It's the one thing Jackie's always wanted, and the one thing Hyde's never been able to give.
Hyde's seen what marriages do to people. Seen the utter contempt in Edna's eyes whenever she even so much as looked at Bud. The absolute shit show circus that was the Pinciotti household. The way Pam left her only daughter so callously after finalizing the divorce from the man she married for his money. Hyde knows that the Forman's are a one in a million kind of deal, and Hyde's never been one in a million for anything.
Besides Hyde knows Jackie, knows all the intimate parts that string together her person. Knows that she's a beautiful whirlwind of jutting cheekbones and cunning smirks. Knows that no matter how hard she'd always dreamed of the debonair lifestyle, that she would've never been content with him as a partner. A man child with a family history as complicated as Marx's manifesto, and who's never been enough for anyone a day in his life.
.-
She goes to Chicago before hearing his answer, (because of course she does). She gets her own segment on the morning show after three and a half months of working there, (because of course she does.) She's the perfect amalgam of beauty, and wit, all while keeping a finger on the pulse point of popular culture. The camera loves her, and the audience is completely smitten. (Because of course they are.)
Donna tells him all this, and Hyde can do nothing but nod. She's only confirming what Hyde's always known was Jackie's fate. One that's always been destined for greatness, and had no room for the dirtbag she kissed on her daddy's pearly white Lincoln when she was sixteen because she was a dumb, starry eyed homecoming queen who thought that she could ever love someone like him.
It hurts like fucking hell, but Hyde knows she's better off.
But if he keeps the little velvet box still tucked under his favorite Zeppelin shirt in the drawer she use to keep her spare toiletries and tops in for whenever she spent the night— the one that still has a couple of her things that Hyde's studiously forgotten to remind her were here— well that's only for him to know.
.-
The Forman's hold a huge get together for the turn of the decade, with all their family and friends.
Kelso's playing an intense round of peekaboo with Betsy, while a endeared looking Brooke smiles at the pair of them. Laurie and Fez are off getting handsy upstairs, and Eric and Donna are practically plastered to one another's sides after so many months apart. Hell even Red and Mrs. Forman are holding hands and sharing fond gazes.
Hyde knows that somewhere in the crowd there's a pretty, strawberry blonde that Fez invited from work ("because you also need some lovin after Jackie shattered your heart"). He knows that she's waiting for him to give her the time of day, but knows just as well that he never will.
Hyde opts to grab a beer from the pile, and get away from the lot of love whipped morons he's surrounded himself with by getting a breath of fresh air in the driveway.
What he doesn't expect is after ten minutes of contemplating where he's exactly found himself at twenty years old, a pearly white Lincoln slides up on the curb.
Stunned and a little petrified, he watches as Jackie— still beautiful after almost six months apart, and still haughty looking as all get out with a Gucci bag slung across her shoulder— steps out.
Her pretty, mismatched eyes widen only a fraction once catching sight of him. But she doesn't demure, walks up to him like it's nothing. And he thinks that absolute abandon, the way she wore her heart on her sleeve without caring about the consequences, is what proved how much stronger she was over him. How she's always been the strongest chick he's ever known.
"Steven." She speaks his name like a treasure.
"Jackie," he says like a prayer.
"Thank you for the flowers— all of them, for every show."
Hyde mentally staggers back, wondering just how she figured it was him that sent them.
"They were Calla Lilies," she shrugs, seemingly reading his mind. "I always told you that they'd be the flowers for our wedding."
Hyde takes off his sunglasses, wants to have an unobstructed view of her after so much time apart. Wants to drink her in for as long as possible for when she eventually leaves him again.
"You deserved them. You were always amazing on screen whenever I got to watch you while visiting WB in Chicago."
She kinks up a brow in silent question.
"We're thinking of opening a new headquarters there— he wants me to run it— ya know, cause I'm his son and all."
"Is that so," the corner's of her mouth curve up into a small, enchanted smile. One that Hyde returns in earnest.
"Yeah, well that," he clasps her mitten clad hand with his bare one. Gingerly, questioningly. . "And I told him that the only person I want to be around happens to live their, and I'd deal with all of Angie's craziness if it meant that I could be down there with that one person."
Her smile stretches into a full blown grin, equal parts beautiful and breathtaking. Making Hyde's insides feel like he's just been bathed in sunlight.
He doesn't feel it when the snow starts to trickle down on them, or hear the bell of the new year ring true. All Hyde can focus on is the way Jackie presses up on the tips of her toes, and how her lips still fit so perfectly against his own. How it still feels like his stomach is doing gymnastic routines.
All Hyde could think is that he's kissing the girl of his dreams in front of her daddy's pearly white Lincoln, and how it feels like the start of his world as he knows it.
They part only to catch their breath, pressing foreheads against one another, as if terrified to stay apart for long, less the other person will dissipate right before their eyes.
"Hey Jackie."
"Hmm?"
"That person I was telling WB about… That was you, believe or not."
"Shut up you pig," she punches him in the arm and all he could do is smile, feeling something wonderful bloom somewhere deep in his chest.
"Yeah, but you love me."
"Yeah, well you love me back!"
"Yeah… Yeah I do."
.-
Author's Note: This is so totally a stream of consciousness I just had to get out wile rewatching T7S, because i loe these two and they will be the absolute death of me. Oh please, please, pleaseeeee let me know what you thought! Seriously I'll love you for forever and a day if you do!
I also have another J/H multi chap coming out, so keep your eyes pealed my loves ;)
All My sugarplums
~Lennix