My Best Friend, by Ichimatsu Matsuno
My best friend's favorite color is yellow. He always picks the yellow piece if we play a board game together, and he always picks the yellow candies when we share a bag, even though banana and lemon aren't his favorite flavors. He often wears the same exact clothes as me, so he doesn't get to wear yellow very much, but sometimes he'll wear a yellow baseball cap or armband. He doesn't need to wear yellow for me to recognize him, though. Even though five other people in the world share his face, including me, none of us smile as wide as he does on a bright, warm day, perfect for swimming or rolling around in the grass. Even when he's not wearing yellow, I always see yellow when I see him, as if he radiates sunshine from his core. Just like the sun does for plants, being near my best friend gives me the energy I need to make it through the day, even when nothing else can. His yellow stands out in a world that's looked so gray to me recently.
Some people say my best friend is quiet. He never speaks up in class, and tends to follow others without offering ideas or opinions of his own. On the other hand, other people say that my best friend is noisy. He can chatter on endlessly about his favorite things, like sports and dogs, and he loves to sing. People might argue about whether to describe him as quiet or noisy, or be confused about how he can have such different sides depending on who he's around. But I like both sides of him, the quiet and the loud, and both are the reasons why I consider him my best friend. Sometimes, I need his loud chatter to make me laugh and encourage me to talk, even when I don't feel like talking to anyone else. Other times, I need him to be quiet and listen to me speak, or just be quiet with me so I don't feel so alone. To some he's contradictory, but to me, he's everything I need, all in one person.
A lot of people say that my best friend doesn't have any good points. They call him a crybaby because he's sensitive, they say his voice is annoying because he talks too much and sings badly, and they say he's stupid because he's not very good at school. A lot of people make fun of him and wonder why anyone would want to be his friend. But I see so many good points in him that I don't know what everyone else is talking about. I like that he's sensitive because it means he cares about other people, including me. I like his cheerful voice, even if his singing isn't very good, because it's almost impossible for me to not feel as happy as he does when he's showing it so loudly. I wouldn't even tell him that he's not a good singer, because I'd hate it if he stopped singing. Even if he doesn't get good grades in things like English or history, I've never seen anyone swim as fast or jump as high as he does in P.E., and that has to count for something. No matter what anyone says, to me, my best friend is the greatest person in the world, and he'll be my best friend forever, no matter what happens. He's my little brother, Jyushimatsu, and I'll always be around to protect him.
Fifteen-year-old Ichimatsu Matsuno sat at the living room table, surrounded by school books, papers, and an opened box of chocolate Pocky. He frowned down at the notebook he'd just stopped writing in, the eraser of his pencil held gingerly between his teeth. This first draft was all right, he supposed, but would need some touching up before he dared to hand it in to his teacher. He'd already been a perfectionist with his writing recently, unable to imagine the shame of handing in subpar work, so writing multiple versions of the same paper before choosing the best to hand in wasn't a foreign concept to him. However, this paper held even more weight than any other assignment before it, a weight that crushed the significance of petty things such as his grade and his teacher's opinion of him as a person based on his writing. This paper was a tribute to one of the most important people in his life. Jyushimatsu had always been there for him, and had been particularly invaluable in the past year or so, when Ichimatsu's own confidence and self-worth had begun to crack. Ichimatsu had no idea where to start in paying him back, but writing something less than perfect for the one who'd done so much for him would surely be no better than a slap in the face. But creative writing was never one of his strong suits… he briefly wondered if he should ask Karamatsu for help, but instantly rejected the idea along with a heaping wave of disgust with himself for even considering it. This was supposed to be from him to Jyushimatsu; how meaningful could it possibly be if he asked for outside help? Besides, even if he did stoop so low as to get someone else to help him write this, the last person he'd want to ask was Karamatsu. Sure, he was one of the better writers in the family, having experience helping with scripts in his drama club… but just because Ichimatsu admitted it, didn't mean he wanted Karamatsu holding his superior skills above his head under the guise of being such a good big brother that of course he'll help Ichimatsu with his homework. The condescension made Ichimatsu want to track him down and spit in his face, even if it was for things he only said in Ichimatsu's imagination.
Where was Karamatsu, anyway? The living room was deserted, but Ichimatsu had no idea where any of his brothers had gone. The only one whose absence he even acknowledged before that moment was Jyushimatsu; no way could he write something so personal about him with him hovering over him, asking what he's writing. Jyushimatsu would certainly see the essay when it was ready, but no way could he see it a moment sooner than that. It had to be perfect to be of any worth at all…
As footsteps sounded on the stairs to the second floor, Ichimatsu immediately folded his notebook back so that only a blank page was visible. He turned to see who was on his way down the stairs, and mercifully, Jyushimatsu hadn't somehow come home without Ichimatsu noticing. Instead, Osomatsu was the one who came down the steps, letting out an uncovered yawn as he did so.
"Hey," Ichimatsu greeted, his voice low and disinterested, as he stared down at the notebook. He tried his best to make it look like he was thinking about what to write on this new page, even though all his mind could think of was things to cross out or squeeze in on the draft he'd just completed.
"Good morning," was how Osomatsu chose to return the greeting, despite the clock in his line of sight reading 1:00 PM. Without asking permission, he plopped himself down next to Ichimatsu and leaned over to look at his notebook. "What're you doing?"
"Homework."
"Gross." Osomatsu's interest in the notebook died immediately, and instead he turned to the Pocky Ichimatsu had been snacking on. Once again without asking permission, he reached into the box and took one. "It's Sunday," he pointed out with his stolen Pocky between his teeth, the snack bouncing up and down with his words. "Don't you have anything better to do than homework?"
"What, like nap all day?" Ichimatsu remarked. He kept his face blank as he spoke, leaving Osomatsu to guess whether he was just teasing or intentionally being cruel, but knowing his older brother, he figured he'd be taken as playing regardless of what he really meant.
"Well, yeah! Napping's great!" Osomatsu said with a laugh. "I'm starting to wonder why we never wanted to take them when we were little." He chomped down on the Pocky and sucked it into his mouth, finishing it without touching it with his hands, then grabbed another one from the box. "It's so sunny out… I'm surprised you're not out with Jyushimatsu."
Ichimatsu shrugged. "I don't know where he went. I'd go looking for him, but I really need to get this done."
"Is there anything that big due tomorrow?" Osomatsu asked. "I was just gonna do my homework tomorrow morning."
"My class has to write an essay about friendship. I don't wanna wait until the last minute to write it."
"Oh yeah, friendship's a hard subject for you to understand, isn't it? Is that why you're starting it so early?" Osomatsu said. Ichimatsu glared at him, but Osomatsu only responded by grabbing yet another Pocky. "Do you know who you're gonna write about yet?"
"Hm…" Ichimatsu made a non-committal noise as he tapped the point of his pencil against the notebook, leaving meaningless marks behind. "Does your class have to write one, too?"
"Yeah, eventually. I was thinking of writing about Totoko-chan." Osomatsu had another stick of Pocky readied between his fingers before the previous one disappeared past his teeth. "Maybe if I talk about what a good friend she is to me, she'll think I'm sweet and wanna date me. Think it'll work?"
"Worth a shot." Internally, Ichimatsu urged Osomatsu to get bored and do something else so he could work on his essay in peace.
"As for you… what about that girl from your art club, the one you come out of school with sometimes? Karin, is it?"
Ichimatsu flinched at the name, his stomach imploding. "Oh, she, uh… she hasn't talked to me in a while." It was a shame; Karin was a nice girl, with long, black hair and a tiny smile that always made him wonder just what she was smiling about. He hadn't yet had time to decide if he had a crush on her, but no matter what his feelings were, he enjoyed her company. She was into some of the same strangely gruesome movies and manga he was, and that common inspiration that fueled both of their creativity lent itself to so many interesting conversations. If only he hadn't gotten too comfortable with her.
"Huh. I wonder why?"
Ichimatsu's voice dropped to a mumble as the awful memory flooded his mind. "I… showed her my secret art book."
"You didn't."
He did. He'd never forget Karin's brown eyes widening as she flipped through the pages, her hand flying over her mouth as she dropped the book to the floor… the way she looked at him, feelings of betrayal written all over her face, before he rushed to pick up the book and take off… the next time he went to the art room, she sat on the opposite side of the room from where they normally did, and made no effort to acknowledge his arrival.
He probably deserved that, to be fair, is what he told himself every time he remembered what an idiot he'd been.
"She said she liked horror stuff!" Ichimatsu insisted, defending himself even though he wasn't sure if he was on his own side. "I thought she'd be into my monster drawings! They're… gory, yeah, but…"
"I swear, Ichimatsu, one of these days, somebody's going to tell a teacher about that book. Has anyone ever seen it and not looked ready to throw up?"
Jyushimatsu never does. He always asks to see it. The sentences appeared in his head, but he replaced them before they could reach his tongue. "Oh, who cares. If even my friends can't accept what I'm into, then maybe I don't need friends."
"Besides, you were born with five friends already!" Osomatsu lit up with that realization. "Hey, there's an idea! You could write about one of us! If you write about me, I'll buy you more Pocky," he offered as he stole another one.
"How pathetic is that?" Ichimatsu said. "My only friends are the ones who have to put up with me whether they like it or not because we just happen to have the same parents and live in the same house. Is that what I'm supposed to write?"
"I don't think it's so bad…"
"I've been a Matsuno sextuplet for so long. We've always done the same stuff. I wanna write about someone that the rest of you couldn't for once." Like Jyushimatsu. None of them were nearly as close to Jyushimatsu as he was. Hell, some of their own brothers were the ones who would pick fun at Jyushimatsu for being gullible or sensitive. None of them would ever truly stick up for him. Not like Ichimatsu would.
"Is that really how you feel about it? When I first asked about the essay, I thought you'd immediately say you were writing about… never mind," he said, shaking his head. "I should stop talking. It's no good if I choose your topic for you, right?"
About who? Was his closeness to Jyushimatsu that obvious?
Was that right of him? A pit opened beneath his organs, even stronger than the one formed by his memories of scaring Karin away. What if outsiders noticing meant that he was too attached to Jyushimatsu? What if people really did make fun of him for being unable to make friends outside his family? Even worse; what if people made fun of Jyushimatsu for apparently still needing his older brother's protection?
What if Jyushimatsu didn't even care as much as Ichimatsu did? What if the essay just made him uncomfortable? Surely Jyushimatsu had someone else he got along with much better… maybe someone from one of the athletic teams? If Jyushimatsu had an athletic best friend, then Ichimatsu must only be in the way, holding him back when he could be with someone who could keep up with his ever-increasing stamina and strength…
"You know who'd never be creeped out by your art? The cats that live in the schoolyard that you feed sometimes. I bet they consider you their best friend. They're okay with anything as long as you keep smuggling them cat food." Osomatsu snickered at his own statement, but as he laughed, Ichimatsu pressed his pencil to the paper.
My Best Friend, by Ichimatsu Matsuno
I have no interest in the company of other people. Other humans are nothing but selfish and greedy, only interested in what they can gain from others without really caring about them. I can't expect other people to be interested in me when I'm not interested in them. However, cats are free from the judgmental, two-faced attitudes that plague most humans.
"Are you serious?!" Osomatsu exclaimed. "I wasn't really suggesting that! You're seriously going to write that?!"
As Ichimatsu moved his pencil across the paper, he reached into his box of Pocky, only to find it empty.
Six boys with the same faces and equally loud voices walked into their home, lightly shoving each other to fit through the doorway. Three pairs were engaged in their own conversations, only dimly aware of what anyone else had to say to each other. Due to this dim awareness, Ichimatsu didn't have enough focus to feel anything significant when Todomatsu started the next line of conversation.
"Hey, Osomatsu-niisan! Did your class get those friendship essays back yet?" Todomatsu asked.
"Ah…" Osomatsu scratched the back of his neck and laughed nervously. "Yeah, we got those back today."
"Bad grade again?" Choromatsu asked, interrupted from his own conversation with Karamatsu by the opportunity to tease his eldest brother. Ichimatsu ignored the conversation, too busy laughing at a funny story Jyushimatsu was telling about his English class.
"That's not important," Osomatsu said, waving his hand as if physically brushing the words away from him. "I wrote it to show it to Totoko-chan! She liked that I described her as the prettiest, nicest, best singer in the world, but when I asked for a kiss in return, she just laughed at me and called me a try-hard."
Todomatsu snickered at Osomatsu's misfortune as they all sat down at their living room table. "Sorry it didn't work out," came his insincere comfort.
"You shouldn't have wasted your time trying to impress Totoko-chan," Choromatsu said, with a smile that burst with ego. "I wrote her one, too, and it was better than yours."
Osomatsu's eyes went wide. "Wait, did she actually like yours?! Did you get a kiss?!"
"Well… no, she didn't kiss me," Choromatsu admitted, slightly deflated. "But I still bet she let me down gentler than you!"
Offended, Osomatsu sprung to his feet in a fighting stance, feet grounded and fists up. "No way! I bet I showed her mine first, so she just thought yours was a copy! Mine was more of a surprise, so it was better!"
Choromatsu replicated the stance. "No, mine would have been better because she could compare it to yours and notice all the mistakes you made!"
"Did all of you write about Totoko-chan?" Todomatsu asked, yelling to be heard over his bickering brothers. "I can't think of anyone else you guys talk to."
Karamatsu answered with a short laugh. "I didn't write to Totoko-chan! As much as I considered it, and as lovely as our dear Totoko-chan is, I can't be so selfish as to devote all of my charm to one lady."
"Huh, you're not the one I expected an answer from," Todomatsu said. "Who did you write about, then?"
"I wrote a love letter to my dear stage, for allowing me to express myself and hone my creative talents, and to the audience that adores me-"
Karamatsu's explanation was cut off by a burst of laughter from the other five boys in the room. Whether laying on the floor and slamming his fists like Osomatsu, or hiding small chuckles behind his hand like Ichimatsu, not even one of Karamatsu's brothers could take his statement seriously.
"Does no one in your drama club like you enough to consider you a friend?" Ichimatsu asked after lowering his hand, voice flat as possible despite the grin on his face. While Jyushimatsu had just started recovering from his laughter, this jab set him off again, sending his hands over his mouth as he hunched over so much his forehead nearly touched the floor. Despite the ribbing from all sides, Karamatsu's smirk didn't dissipate in the slightest. One could believe he easily let the derision roll off his back if not for his twitching eyebrow.
"Man…" Osomatsu said once the noise in the room started dying down, as he sat back up and retook his place at the table. Choromatsu joined him as well, earlier willingness to fight forgotten for now. "We really don't have any actual friends, do we?"
"I don't know about you guys, but I wrote about a friend," Todomatsu said. "I wrote my essay about my friend Ken. I look up to him, and he helps me with a lot of stuff."
"Isn't he in high school?" Choromatsu asked. "I'm surprised he's so willing to hang out with a middle schooler all the time."
"Well…" Todomatsu averted his brothers' gazes as he nervously scratched the side of his face. "I may have lied to him a little about my age…"
Osomatsu's amused snort threatened another laughing fit from everyone in the room, but everyone instead decided they were done with that for the time being. "At least you get to meet older girls through him, eh, Todomatsu?"
Todomatsu's self-satisfied grin, coupled with a flash of a V-sign, answered that question.
"I wrote about a friend!" Jyushimatsu volunteered, arm raised high in the air. "A really, really good friend!"
"Who?" Todomatsu asked. "Someone from your gym class?"
Ichimatsu pushed all the earlier merriment from his mind and instead turned a serious focus toward Jyushimatsu, who was now rifling through his school bag. Who did Jyushimatsu consider his best friend? Ichimatsu just had to know what would make Jyushimatsu bond with someone… for the sake of learning about his little brother, of course, not because he intended to do anything with the information, he mentally insisted to himself. He also had to focus for purposes of defense. Laughing at Karamatsu may have been entertaining, but anyone who dared mock Jyushimatsu's views on friendship would have to be glared down.
"Ah-hah! Found it!" Jyushimatsu pulled a piece of paper out of his bag, and after looking it over for a second to make sure it was what he was looking for, he shoved it into Ichimatsu's hands. "Here's my essay!"
My Best Friend, by Jyushimatsu Matsuno
My best friend is my big brother, Ichimatsu! He always plays games with me, and laughs at my jokes, and tells a lot of funny jokes of his own, and protects me and teaches me about the world! A lot of people think he's scary and mean, but I don't know why! He's so nice to me and doesn't scare me at all!
Ichimatsu read over Jyushimatsu's scrawl, his heart in his throat. It wasn't the best writing in the world; his sloppy handwriting, simplistic sentences, and overabundance of exclamation points read more like a paper penned by someone much younger than ninth grade. But for all it lacked in technical proficiency, it made up for in heart. Every word on the double-sided paper brimmed with admiration for his older brother, with compliment after compliment that Ichimatsu had never thought about himself but could actually believe when backed with this much enthusiasm. Jyushimatsu would never write anything he didn't mean with his entire soul.
Jyushimatsu wrote this, for him, and all he had to give in return was-
"Who's it about?" Osomatsu asked. "Come on, we're dying to know!"
"Um, it's…" Ichimatsu swallowed the swollen lump in his throat. "It's about… me."
"That's right!" Jyushimatsu confirmed. "You're my best friend, Ichimatsu-niisan! You knew that, didn't you?"
"Of course he wrote about Ichimatsu," Karamatsu said with folded arms and a knowing nod. "They do spend most waking moments together, after all."
"Yeah, we really should have seen that one coming," Choromatsu agreed with an arm fold and nod that matched Karamatsu's.
"Guess that means we know who Ichimatsu wrote about, too," said Todomatsu, joining his two identical brothers in an identical pose.
Osomatsu had no verbal input. Instead, he met Ichimatsu's eyes, a look of panic on his face. Did you? he mouthed.
All Ichimatsu could do was mouth back, I'm sorry! I didn't know! while moving his mouth with an intensity that would have led to a shout if he used his voice. Osomatsu was the only one who paid attention, and the reply didn't ease his panic in the slightest.
"Can I see yours, too?" Jyushimatsu leaned in close to Ichimatsu, wide eyes and smile oblivious to Ichimatsu's turmoil. "I've been looking forward to seeing it!"
"…sure. Hold on…" There was no lying his way out of this one, was there. With a heavy heart, he reached into his bag and pulled out the slightly crumpled essay that he'd stashed there earlier in the day.
"I thought you took better care of your papers than that!" Jyushimatsu said as he swiped the paper from Ichimatsu's hands. He smiled at first as his eyes scanned the page, but his face quickly fell as the meaning of the words sank in. "…cats?" A small vestige of a smile remained on Jyushimatsu's face, but it came with a closed mouth and a small waver.
"…yeah. Cats." Five pairs of judgmental eyes burrowed through Ichimatsu's very essence, but he held firm and resisted the urge to run away in shame. He had some pride to protect.
At what cost?
"Is something wrong with liking cats?" he continued, perhaps more defensively than he intended.
"It's just… I thought…" Jyushimatsu looked at his own essay that Ichimatsu still clutched, then back down at Ichimatsu's.
"I don't know if I'd call them my friends, but they're still way better than people. At least the cats don't abandon me when they learn too much." The more he defended himself, the more he admitted that he'd slap himself across the face if he were to watch this from the outside, but he'd already hit rock bottom from the moment he wrote that version of the essay. He may as well keep digging.
"…I wouldn't abandon you." Jyushimatsu's voice, the one that normally reached such loud volumes with tones of sunshine to Ichimatsu's ears, had become quiet and tinged with horror and frost. "I love spending time with you, and I thought you liked it, too…"
"Don't you think it's weird, still being best friends with your brother at our age?" Ichimatsu vividly saw himself in his mind's eye; grabbing his own hair, slamming his own face into the table, and demanding he apologize. "We can't be a matched set forever. We need to get our own lives."
"…yeah, you're right. You're always right about these things." Jyushimatsu handed Ichimatsu's essay back to him. Ichimatsu took it and tried to return Jyushimatsu's, but he showed no interest. Jyushimatsu lowered his head, quiet in the way people are when actively trying to suppress a sound. His shoulders began trembling, and he stood up and ambled toward the bottom of the stairs on equally shaky legs.
He stood at the bottom of the stairs, and then with a wail, bolted up them. The last thing his brothers heard from him was their bedroom door slamming shut.
The remaining four brothers stared Ichimatsu down, at a loss of what to say, though the shock and disappointment on their faces rang loudly enough to make Ichimatsu want to run away, too.
"What?" Ichimatsu snapped, his shields not yet lowered.
Osomatsu was the first one brave enough to finally speak up. "God damn, Ichimatsu. You're an asshole."
As if Ichimatsu hadn't already heard that statement in his own voice multiple times over the course of the conversation.
Jyushimatsu didn't come down for dinner. When their mother asked where he was, Osomatsu stated that Jyushimatsu wasn't feeling well and likely wasn't hungry, and the conversation stopped there. Four brothers talked cheerfully around the table as they ate, the earlier incident apparently furthest from their minds.
Ichimatsu couldn't talk. He could barely even eat. Even with four chattering voices, the table's atmosphere smothered him with silence without that one familiar voice shouting responses in a singsong melody and ignoring all suggestions that he should keep it down. He stirred his curry and rice around on his plate, mentally urging himself to take more than the single bite he already had, but the knot his stomach had tied itself into rejected the idea of any more food.
"I'm done," he announced as he pressed his hands against the table to push himself into a standing position. His brothers ignored him, too lost in their own meaningless conversations, as he abandoned his plate and went upstairs.
He tentatively slid the bedroom door open, half expecting Jyushimatsu to snap at him to go away. For some reason Ichimatsu couldn't comprehend, he didn't; he didn't react to his presence at all. Instead, Jyushimatsu lay in the middle of the floor, tossing a baseball up in the air and catching it, with no indication that he'd heard the door open.
"Um… hey." Ichimatsu stared at the carpet to his left, unable to look his brother in the eye.
"Oh! Ichimatsu-niisan! Hey!"
The unexpectedly chipper tone brought Ichimatsu to lift his head. Jyushimatsu's face held a smile once more, and he now lay on his stomach and faced Ichimatsu. With a heavy sigh to release the tension from being so sure that Jyushimatsu no longer wanted anything to do with him, he plopped down cross-legged next to him. "About earlier..."
"It's okay, I get it," Jyushimatsu said. "I've been thinking about what you said, and you're right."
"I am?" Being right about anything he said earlier was news to him.
"Yeah, about it being time for us to find our own friends and not rely on each other all the time, since we're getting older. I'm sorry I wrote that essay about you."
Don't be. Every word I said earlier was stupid. Ichimatsu wanted so badly to respond that way, but something held him back. Was his pride still hanging him like a noose? Or perhaps he couldn't bring himself to take back something that Jyushimatsu admired him for saying?
If he told Jyushimatsu that his current admiration was based on a lie, then would it call any past admiration into question as well? No way could Ichimatsu risk that. He had to remain the all-knowing big brother who always knew what he was talking about.
"It doesn't mean we can't still hang out," was the best compromise Ichimatsu could come up with. Like hell was he going to give up that much. "We should just do our own stuff too, sometimes. Like how I have cats, and you have…" Who did Jyushimatsu ever talk to outside the family?
"Hm…" Jyushimatsu rubbed his chin in thought. "Sometimes I go swimming with Hideki, he's fun to hang out with…"
"There, see? You can be best friends with Hideki." Ichimatsu ruffled Jyushimatsu's hair, eliciting a giggle from him. "You'll still be my little brother. It'll just be different now that we're older and doing our own thing."
"Yeah, I can have both you and Hideki!" Jyushimatsu agreed. "That'll be fun! Thanks for teaching me about growing up, Ichimatsu-niiasn. I don't know if I would have wanted to split off from you guys if you didn't say anything, but you're right that it's probably time."
"Glad I could help," Ichimatsu said, hoping his best attempt at a warm, brotherly smile could cover up the fact that he suddenly hated this Hideki guy for absolutely no reason. "Hey, did you want dinner? We didn't get you earlier because we didn't think you were in the mood. We're having curry tonight. I think the others are still eating, so it should still be in the kitchen."
"Yeah, I want curry!" Ichimatsu watched from his place on the floor as Jyushimatsu stood. "Thanks for letting me know!" Jyushimatsu gave his older brother a hug as best as he could from Ichimatsu's spot on the floor, then with a renewed spring in his step, left the room without shutting the door behind him.
Ichimatsu now sat alone on his bedroom floor.
Alone.
Maybe it really was about time for him to get used to that. For Jyushimatsu's sake.
He'd be all right if that happened, he told himself, as between his fingers, he rubbed the folded letter from Jyushimatsu that he'd pocketed.
Ichimatsu stepped out into the warm spring air, surrounded by the chatter of other students who had much more important things to worry about than him. He was somewhat of a hot topic when he first started high school; maybe not him specifically, but the presence of identical sextuplets fueled discussions for the first few weeks, including people occasionally coming up to him, asking if he was really a sextuplet, and gawking at him like he was a wild animal when he confirmed the rumors.
But after about a month, his fellow schoolmates had gotten bored of the novelty of sextuplets and turned to other things to gossip about, allowing Ichimatsu to slink back into the shadows to be ignored. Just as he liked it. Strangers coming up to him to ask him invasive questions for the sake of the rumor mill was far too much trouble.
He'd possibly admit to feeling a little lonely, somewhat, maybe, if someone yanked the confession out of him with pliers. But this was still preferable to having strangers treat him like a circus attraction just because he happened to be born at the same time as five other people.
Through the crowd of people he couldn't recognize, he noticed Jyushimatsu standing at the front gate. It had to be Jyushimatsu, even if he wore the same uniform as everyone else in the family. No one else had a single cowlick that stuck out from the top of his head, nor did any of them smile with a mouth wide enough to invite insects inside even when nothing noteworthy was going on. He'd always had cheerful, energetic tendencies when in familiar company, but ever since starting high school, that typical cheerful attitude had evolved into something deranged. His energy now went not only toward sports and games, but to unpredictable stunts that Ichimatsu wouldn't have believed possible if he didn't see him pulling them off in front of the school every morning in an apparent bid for attention. This new, unpredictable side to Jyushimatsu terrified Ichimatsu from a distance… yet at the same time, it also intrigued him. The pair hadn't interacted much in recent months, leaving Ichimatsu at a curious loss as to how deeply Jyushimatsu had changed, and why he changed to begin with.
"Hey! Jyushimatsu!" he called, not waving out of disinterest in making a spectacle of himself. Jyushimatsu perked up at the sound of his name, and upon seeing Ichimatsu, waved at him with newly brightened eyes.
"Hey, Ichimatsu-niisan! Let's walk home together!"
Ichimatsu moved along with the crowd who couldn't care less about a conversation that didn't involve them, not putting any effort into picking up his pace. Jyushimatsu waited patiently, his expression unchanging, for Ichimatsu to reach him.
"Isn't there baseball practice today?" Ichimatsu asked once he was at Jyushimatsu's side, relieved to finally be out of that crowd. "Shouldn't you be at the field?"
"Ah-hah…" Jyushimatsu laughed nervously and looked at the ground, his smile remaining in contrast with his furrowed brow. "I'm skipping baseball club today."
"Eh?!" Ichimatsu asked. "You're skipping baseball?"
"It's so boring!" Jyushimatsu said, flailing his arms in frustration. "They never let me play! They just make me get stuff for the upperclassmen!"
"I've heard they usually don't let first-years play right away," Ichimatsu said. As he spoke, he grabbed Jyushimatsu's hand and gently led him against the wall of the gate; he seemed oblivious that they were blocking the traffic of people trying to go home.
"Well that's dumb," he said, arms folded as he pouted and slid down against the wall. "They did let me try pitching once on my first day to see how I am, and I didn't think I did that badly! So I hit a couple people in the face! Not a big deal! But they won't let me try again, and even worse, sometimes they make me sit still while I wait for someone to need a drink or something!"
"That does sound awful." It wasn't entirely a meaningless platitude. Few punishments sounded worse than forcing Jyushimatsu to sit still and watch other people play sports. He wasn't even going to comment on the "hitting people in the face" thing. That was just classic Jyushimatsu at this point, judging by his carelessness in other areas.
"But I think everyone else has club meetings… do you have art club today?"
Ichimatsu shook his head. "No, not today. But I think you're right about everyone else. I didn't see any of them leaving when I did."
"Then you can walk home with me! I don't have to go alone!" The decision made, Jyushimatsu took off in the direction of home, not running but still walking at a brisk pace. Ichimatsu had to jog for a few seconds to catch up with him, but once he reached Jyushimatsu's side, he matched his stride easily enough.
"What happened to that guy you used to hang out with? Hideki?" Ichimatsu asked. "I haven't seen you guys together in a while. I figured you'd at least eat lunch together or something."
"He's in the swimming club," Jyushimatsu said, a gloomy shadow taking over his face. "They let Hideki swim even though he's a first-year…"
"Being a swimmer is that busy, huh?" Ichimatsu said. "Sorry you can't hang out with your friend anymore."
"Well…" Jyushimatsu said. "Actually, even if he wasn't in swimming club… I don't think he wants to hang out with me anymore. He told me I got weird after high school started, and yesterday when I saw him with his team, they started pointing and laughing at me…"
Ichimatsu already didn't like this Hideki guy, but for the first time he actually had a reason.
"But it's fine!" Jyushimatsu continued, suddenly brightening up. "I'd rather walk home with you anyway. It's been a while since it was just us, hasn't it?"
"Yeah," Ichimatsu acknowledged with a curt nod. "But you know, it's high school, where you're supposed to make new friends and not just rely on your siblings, so…"
"True! You said that before!" Jyushimatsu said. "What friends have you made? People from the art club? What are they like?"
Ichimatsu had barely said ten words in his month with the art club. They hadn't done anything to make him feel excluded, but the idea of speaking too candidly nearly killed him inside. What if he made the same mistakes he made with his artistic topics in middle school? If he kept his mouth shut and never let anyone see his drawings, though, then he'd at least have a quiet place away from home to draw a few hours a week.
"They're nice," he answered simply.
"Who's your best friend from the club?" Jyushimatsu asked.
"Um…" Ichimatsu couldn't even remember a single name to lie about his connection with.
Jyushimatsu laughed and slapped Ichimatsu on the back. "Yeah, that sounds like you! It's okay… I didn't make friends in the baseball club, either. People don't seem to like talking to me very much."
Ichimatsu snorted out a laugh. "We're not doing very well at this growing up thing, are we."
"Nope!" Jyushimatsu agreed. "But…" Jyushimatsu stopped walking and looked over at Ichimatsu. Ichimatsu followed his lead, unsure where this was going. "…I don't think I mind. If I had other friends, I wouldn't be walking home with you right now. I missed this."
Ichimatsu gagged on a sudden wave of emotion, and instead of expressing it, chose to grumble and look away. "If people are laughing at you already, I bet hanging out with me all the time isn't gonna help you."
"But it'll be fine, because I'll still be friends with you! We stopped hanging out because we needed to find other best friends, right?"
"That's right," Ichimatsu agreed.
"But we haven't found other best friends, even though it's been months, right?"
Ichimatsu found this answer more difficult to acknowledge. "…right."
"So what if we started hanging out again, just until we make other friends? It's better than being lonely."
"I'm not lonely!" Ichimatsu insisted by reflex, but couldn't leave it there. "…but I guess I do miss hanging out with you," he admitted in one of the biggest understatements he'd spoken in months. "So… yeah, I guess that works. But just until we make other friends," Ichimatsu clarified; a condition he regretted the instant he made it, but by then it was too late to back out.
"Yay!" Jyushimatsu cheered, pumping both fists in the air. "Hey, how about we play baseball together? That sounds way more fun than that dumb club that won't let me. Maybe I don't wanna play with them anyway."
"Sure, that sounds fun." At his agreement, Jyushimatsu grabbed Ichimatsu's hand and pulled as he ran, presumably to the park. Ichimatsu struggled to keep up, but couldn't help but laugh at his sudden burst of energy.
Ichimatsu would never wish ill on his younger brother. Jyushimatsu deserved friends, plenty of friends, and Ichimatsu didn't understand why not even one person saw the charm in his blinding optimism and in his physical ambition, careless but boundless. How could anyone stand in that shining light and not find themself taken in?
And yet… somehow, people really could resist what Ichimatsu found himself drawn to. And as irritated as it made Ichimatsu, as much as he wanted to interrogate every single person in that school about what Jyushimatsu did to them to deserve their disrespect, he couldn't see that changing unless Jyushimatsu himself changed. And never in his life would he want Jyushimatsu to change.
So if he could still hang out with Jyushimatsu until he made other friends, and Jyushimatsu wasn't likely to make other friends… and if Ichimatsu himself sure as hell wasn't going to befriend anyone else, that possibility wasn't even worth entertaining as a fantasy for him…
…maybe he could make this work in his favor without violating his pride after all.
"So, what do you wanna do for practice?" Ichimatsu asked, slightly wheezing from running. "I'll pitch, you'll hit?"
"I actually wanna do strength training today, and I got a great idea for it that you can help me out with! All I need is you, the bat, and some rope!"
"Eh? The bat and what?"
Ichimatsu rarely felt like doing anything in his boring life as a NEET. Maybe it would have been nice to have the motivation to go out and meet other people, but that would have required him to scrape himself off the bedroom couch, and at that moment in time he couldn't be assed to try. He was fine wasting his life, laying here and thumbing through a manga magazine without reading any of the word bubbles. No, this activity wouldn't help him advance his life any, but neither would any of the effort he was capable of expending, so why bother wasting it? Things were fine like this. Stasis was fine. He wondered where his brothers were, but since finding out was just another thing that would have required getting up, he didn't worry about it much.
Besides, one of them answered his mental question for him shortly after he thought it. At the sound of the bedroom door opening, he turned his head upside down from its position on the couch arm to see Jyushimatsu standing there. He had one hand in his hoodie pocket and the other over his mouth, and his pupils were wide in thought.
Just what was he thinking about, and would asking be more confusing than it was worth?
"Hey," was all Ichimatsu had to offer, in the dullest voice he could pull off, before he turned his attention back to his magazine. Without greeting him back, Jyushimatsu sat himself on the couch, right on top of Ichimatsu's legs. Ichimatsu realized that staying in this position would soon put his legs to sleep, but the idea of fixing it brought back that pesky concept of effort again.
"We found a box in the closet. It had a bunch of old stuff from when we were kids." Jyushimatsu launched right into it, whether Ichimatsu cared be damned.
"Yeah?" Ichimatsu asked. "Anything interesting in there?" He asked more to carry a conversation than out of a desire to hear about ratty baseballs and old school uniforms and who knew what else.
"I found one of your old notebooks. From middle school, I think."
"Ugh." A disgusted shudder jolted through Ichimatsu's entire body. "It's probably just some old drawings… I don't care what it is, burn it without looking at it."
"I already opened it. Sorry!" Jyushimatsu quickly added as Ichimatsu glared at the revelation. "But I didn't know it was yours! I opened it to see whose it was, and I found… this." He finally removed his hand from his pocket, and along with it, a spiral-bound notebook folded back to expose a specific page. Without being able to see the cover, Ichimatsu couldn't place when the book was from; he wasn't even sure he'd be able to place it even with a look at the cover. He had a lot of those books over the years, and none of them held anything of great interest that he could recall. That inability to remember what on Earth Jyushimatsu could have possibly found interesting in this book made him even more curious about seeing it, in a way comparable to considering sticking his hand in a flame out of curiosity about how much it would hurt. He let his magazine fall to the floor as he took the book from Jyushimatsu's hand and turned his attention to the exposed page. The pencil marks had faded with age, but Ichimatsu's impeccable handwriting remained legible.
My Best Friend, by Ichimatsu Matsuno
My best friend's favorite color is yellow. He always picks the yellow piece if we play a board game together, and he always picks the yellow candies when we share a bag, even though banana and lemon aren't his favorite flavors.
Ichimatsu froze at the sight of these words. He forgot all about this thing for years, but seeing the words brought the memories back like a sack of bricks dropped on his face. The agonizing over getting every word right, the refusal to hand it in, the fact that he could have spared Jyushimatsu's feelings if he'd gotten over his stupid insecurities instead of writing about street cats-
"I think I remember this," he said dispassionately as he handed the book back to Jyushimatsu. "What about it?"
Jyushimatsu didn't answer right away, taking the book in silence. He turned his attention back to the essay, leaving Ichimatsu to wonder how many times he'd already read it.
"I was kinda stupid back then, wasn't I?" Jyushimatsu said with a small smile. "I was so sure you were gonna write your essay about me… but I shouldn't have expected it when you never told me you were going to."
"Hm." Ichimatsu groped at the floor, seeking the magazine he dropped. His fingers brushed it, but couldn't find a position that would allow him to pick it up. And with Jyushimatsu sitting on him now, he couldn't even get up for it if he tried.
"Why didn't you hand this one in?" Jyushimatsu asked. "Or at least tell me about it?"
"Ugh, I don't know…" Ichimatsu said, still groping for the magazine he knew he'd never reach. "Are you still mad at me for that?" He honestly wondered, and maybe, just maybe, felt a twinge of guilt over it. The guilt strummed further when he realized how accusatory he might have sounded.
"Oh, no, no!" Jyushimatsu assured him, laughing and waving a sleeve. "I'm just curious." His laugh didn't stick around on his face as he continued to stare at the book. "I actually forgot about it until this book made me think about it again. I can't believe how worked up I got about it… I really was a crybaby. Even you said so in here."
"I never minded that. It was just part of who you were. Wasn't an excuse for me to act like a dick."
"Even now, I'm getting worked up over something so old!" Jyushimatsu may have laughed with that statement, but Ichimatsu sensed a forced quality behind the laugh. "I'm sorry, Ichimatsu-niisan. I shouldn't have brought it up." He jumped off Ichimatsu's legs, and Ichimatsu instinctively bent and unbent them to get some blood back into them. "Don't worry, I'll go throw this out now." With his next task firmly in mind, Jyushimatsu made his way to the bedroom door.
"Wait. Don't," Ichimatsu said, not quite loud enough to qualify as calling out. Jyushimatsu stopped and turned toward him, but didn't say anything further. "Give me a second." In his typically languid pace, Ichimatsu brought himself to his feet. After stumbling on his first step due to the static in his legs, he regained his footing and walked over to the bookshelf. No scanning was required; he knew exactly what he was looking for. He pulled a large binder down, then opened it to pull out a notebook. From there, the notebook was immediately opened to the desired page, where a small, folded square of paper was tucked. He removed the paper, carefully replaced the notebook and binder, then without a word, handed the paper to Jyushimatsu. Jyushimatsu stared at him blankly for a few seconds, but when an explanation wasn't forthcoming, he unfolded the paper and looked it over himself. He squinted in concentration for a few seconds, then opened his eyes wide again at the dawn of realization.
"…this is mine."
Ichimatsu now stood by Jyushimatsu's side so that he, too, could read the paper. "It's hard to tell, huh? Your handwriting is already pretty bad, and the lead's wearing off… but I still know it almost by heart. I… I sure read it enough." This last confession had to be forced out as if Ichimatsu had to push an enormous lump of food out of his throat before he choked to death on it, but somehow, he managed. "I'm not scary, huh? I don't know if you were brave or just oblivious…"
"Why did you keep this if you didn't care?" Jyushimatsu asked, looking back and forth between Ichimatsu and the paper.
"I wasn't gonna throw out something you worked so hard on making for me," Ichimatsu said with a shrug. "I'm surprised you're so serious about this… I didn't think you'd care."
"Of course I care!" Jyushimatsu said. "You're still my best friend! You always have been! ...I know you told me not to think that," he admitted. "But it was even harder than it sounded, so I gave up."
"Why are you so determined to be friends with garbage?" Ichimatsu asked, a smirk betraying the fact that he wasn't entirely serious about that statement for once.
"Well…" Without warning, Jyushimatsu tackled Ichimatsu to the ground and sat on his back, wrists held firmly in his sleeved hands as he stretched his arms back. The paper and notebook that Jyushimatsu held went flying across the room, but he didn't seem to care. "For one, I couldn't find anyone else who would let me do that!"
"No?" Ichimatsu asked from his spot on the floor, laughing despite himself. With equal lack of warning, he bucked Jyushimatsu off his back, and when Jyushimatsu hit the floor with an audible grunt, Ichimatsu flopped over him, their bodies forming a cross shape. "Bet you wouldn't let anyone else do this, either."
"Hey, get up!" Jyushimatsu insisted, rapidly thumping at Ichimatsu's back with sleeved fists.
"You could push me off if you really wanted to," Ichimatsu said. He folded his arms under his chin and closed his eyes, feeling much like a relaxed cat even with his brother's half-hearted struggling beneath him. He wasn't even slightly convinced that Jyushimatsu was honestly trying to free himself; he wasn't that heavy, especially not in the face of Jyushimatsu's terrifying strength.
"I meant it," Jyushimatsu said. Ichimatsu briefly wondered if he referred to the request for freedom before he specified. "No one else I knew when we were younger liked to rough house like this."
"Were you asking them right after meeting them? Because then it'd be no wonder," Ichimatsu said, eyes still closed.
"…maybe," Jyushimatsu said. "But why get to know someone better so we can play, when I could just play with you right then?" he asked. "And I'd still have to explain all the rules of my favorite games to them, and they might not wanna help me out when I got into trouble, and they might not have been as smart as you so they couldn't explain stuff to me… I wasn't gonna find a better friend than you, so I didn't try. Most people found me annoying anyway."
"And you think I didn't?"
"You never did." It wasn't a question. Jyushimatsu's statement came with such conviction that Ichimatsu couldn't possibly deny it, even if there was anything to deny.
"Did you ever wonder why I started pushing you away back then?" Ichimatsu asked.
"I believed what you said about wanting us to have our own lives," Jyushimatsu answered, "even though I felt bad that you didn't seem to be having any more luck finding other friends than I was. Then we got close again in high school, so I stopped thinking about it."
"Good, at least I didn't permanently screw you up with that crap." Ichimatsu sighed heavily. "To tell you the truth, I was just being insecure and stupid. Karamatsu and Todomatsu were starting to make friends besides us, and… I don't know, I think I got scared that they were growing up without me and I figured had to hurry up and split off, too. It's hard to remember stupid shit I worried about nearly a decade ago."
"Is that why you didn't hand in the essay about me?" Jyushimatsu asked.
"That's exactly why. Osomatsu-niisan asked who I was writing about and I was too embarrassed to tell him, so I wrote a fake one about cats in front of him… and then handed it in when I couldn't think of anything else. Somehow being best friends with stray cats was less embarrassing at the time than being best friends with my own brother." He smiled with grim amusement as he recalled the outcome of that. "The teachers were already concerned about how antisocial I seemed, and that didn't help."
"That was dumb," Jyushimatsu said without a single glimmer of tact.
"Really dumb," Ichimatsu agreed, under no impression that he deserved tact.
"I was scared about growing up, too," Jyushimatsu said. "I didn't know how much was gonna change in high school… but I thought, as long as I had Ichimatsu-niisan with me, I'd be okay. So when I thought that was gonna change, too, because you didn't wanna be seen with me anymore or whatever…" He shoved at Ichimatsu's side, more as a scolding than an attempt to remove him. "You just scared me worse."
"Yeah, I'm an asshole," Ichimatsu said.
"A major asshole!" Jyushimatsu agreed. "But then we started hanging out a lot again like nothing happened, so I didn't care anymore."
"I couldn't keep myself away for long," Ichimatsu said. "Life was already depressing, and not having you in it as much was somehow worse. Guess I'm stuck with you whether I like it or not."
"Do you like it or not?" Jyushimatsu asked.
"Being stuck with an idiot who keeps dragging me into weird games and plans, who's so unpredictable that it's horrifying, who's gonna keep laughing and making jokes even when the world gets sucked into hell?" Ichimatsu stretched out his arms and legs, then sat up so he could see Jyushimatsu's face. Once he knew Jyushimatsu was looking, he gave a toothy grin. "I wouldn't give that up for anything."
"Then I guess I'm stuck with a miserable jerk who doesn't know how to tell the truth or talk to people, who's so bad at that stuff that he really hurt my feelings a long time ago." Jyushimatsu's bright tone helped Ichimatsu interpret that as the highest of compliments. With his signature laugh, he jumped at Ichimatsu and pinned him to the floor again, only instead of a wrestling move, this time he held his elder brother in a spine-breaking hug. "I wouldn't give it up either!"
"I have no idea what I did to deserve a brother like you," Ichimatsu said as he ruffled Jyushimatsu's hair. "Or whether this is a reward or a punishment."
"Reward," Jyushimatsu decided, and Ichimatsu felt no need to argue; only a brief doubt about exactly who Jyushimatsu was referring to. On one hand, he could have an ego sometimes, but on the other, he did hug somehow even tighter as he said it. "Let's go celebrate having each other! I want a parfait!" Jyushimatsu sprung off Ichimatsu and jumped to his feet, but Ichimatsu needed a moment on the floor to make sure his ribs hadn't cracked.
"Yeah, parfaits sound good. Do you have any money?"
Jyushimatsu reached down to help Ichimatsu up, smiling with his eyes closed as Ichimatsu took his hand. "Nope!"
Ichimatsu groaned as he rose to his feet, but didn't let the moment's smile be taken away from him. "Fine, but you're buying me chicken wings or something next time." Ichimatsu walked toward the bookshelf to get his wallet, but was interrupted by the crunch of paper. He looked down to see Jyushimatsu's essay beneath his bare foot. After swearing at himself for defiling such an important object, he retrieved both the paper and the nearby notebook. He placed the essay back in its special hiding place, fished out his wallet from behind a row of books dusty with neglect, and walked back toward Jyushimatsu, shoving the notebook at him once in range. "Do whatever you want with this. Shove it back in the closet, rip it up, bury it in the yard, I don't care. It's your problem now."
"Really?" he asked. With a small, calm smile, he pressed it against his chest with both arms. "Thank you, Ichimatsu-niisan."
Ichimatsu smiled back, confident that Jyushimatsu's newly discovered treasure would be safe with him.