"I get the feeling just because everything I touch is not dark enough

That this problem lies in me

I am a woman with the devil inside me

I am taking a stand to escape what's inside me:

A monster. A monster and it keeps getting stronger!"

A stranger arrived at court dressed in a blue and satin gown, she presented herself as Kathryn FitzHoward. The bastard daughter of the late brother of the Duke of Norfolk and his third mistress.

Nobody questioned her lineage or looked at her suspiciously (as she thought they would) once she was in the queen's household. Her sister hardly knew her and she told the rest of her ladies not to mind her.

"She is always silent." She told them. Kathryn bowed her head at her mistress and went on her way. Katherine had given her too many tasks and she wasn't sure if she would finish them all on time.

It had always been her dream to be in her position. Loved and revered by everyone, especially the king. But just like all the women in her family she had to see all her dreams die.

After all, who could love a bastard? Kitty with her haughtiness and her liveliness could attract any man she wanted and as queen everyone loved her. And how could they not? She was beautiful and loved showing enough skin while paradoxically presenting herself as the sweet innocent virgin girl.

Pathetic. That's how she saw this court. With its painted walls and tapestries, overflowing with food and riches.

On her way to Hampton's great hall she ran into the king.

Henry apologized quickly then continued walking. His ministers, Cranmer, Wriothesly, Dudley, the Seymour brothers and Brandon were with him. She nipped her lips. How she hated them. They made and remade laws and the king was too stupid to stop them. Even if he wanted to, would he?

No, I guess not. The king prefers them to think they are in his favor so they can keep courting him and treat him as if he is a child.

Kathryn tore her gaze away and took the flower pot the queen loved from one of the tables there and returned to the queen's closet where Kitty was hosting a private party for her favorite 'friends', the ladies Elizabeth and Anne of Cleves who'd recently been granted the title of the 'king's sister'.

"Your Majesty, here is the flower pot you wanted."

"Thank you Kathryn, they are so beautiful. You haven't met our cousin yet. Elizabeth this is our cousin Kathryn and the former queen, Anne of Cleves."

"Anna just call me Anna."

"Kathryn? I never heard of you before. Are you my uncle Edmund's daughter by his second wife?"

"No, Lizzie she is our father's daughter by his third mistress."

"Oh." Lizzie said. She gave the girl a sympathetic smile.

"That's right, but we must treat her right. She is family after all."

"Thank you, Your Majesty." Kathryn said, averting her eyes from Katherine.

"Can I call you Kathy?"

"I don't think that's a good idea my lady."

"Why not?" The queen asked, her tone showing her frustration.

Kathryn slowly lifted her eyes to face the queen's. "I just don't think I should get to close to you my ladies, Your Majesty, with all due respect."

"And why is that? Are you refusing the friendship of a former queen's daughter, the king's most beloved daughter may I remind you."

At this last sentence Kathryn's eyes hardened. "No Madame of course not. I would never refuse the friendship of the king's most beloved daughter but I-"

"Yes?"

"I just believe that friendship with someone as lowly as me would not be good."

"Well you are right in that. Your mother did make my father squander all his money which ended up in me and my siblings being separated and sent all over the country to be raised."

"Kitty!" Elizabeth chastised. "Don't worry cousin Kathryn, I won't call you Kathy if you don't like. But I still want us to be friends. Please?"

How could Kathryn deny those yes. She heard how the king fell head over heels for her mother. Because of those black pools. She smiled at Elizabeth and nodded.

"Very well then. Stranger things have happened. We are going to the great hall tonight. There will be many guests there and it's the biggest party that the kingdom has ever seen."

Again? Kathryn had heard she did not but party and dance all night long. How much more? She wondered.

"Are you up to the challenge?"

"I think so, Your Majesty."

"Do not call me Your Majesty, you make your older sister feel much older. And besides, as our friend you must wear something decent, not those rags. Anna here will help you, she just acquired a new taste in fashion."

"I will be delighted to." The former queen and daughter of Cleves said.

Kathryn thanked Anna. "Is this your first time at court lady Kathryn?" She asked the queen's half sister when she took her to her chambers to try out her outfits, to see which one would fit.

"Y- I mean no. No, Madame, I mean Anna, this is my first time."

"Anna chuckled. "Be honest. When was your first time?"

"Long ago, my lady- very long ago. I hardly remember it. I was very young."

"Was that when your father brought mistress Holmes with him?"

Kathryn nodded.

"How was she, your mother?"

Kathryn smiled warmly. "She was kind, sweet, not prone to anger as some noble women were. She had ... this presence, I can't explain it, she was just kind by nature but ...she could also very naive."

"She sounds like a good woman. You were very blessed to have her."

"I am." Kathryn said, suppressing tears from falling down her cheeks. She never liked talking about her mother, it was too painful. The last memory she had of her was embracing her young daughter and telling her Never forget who you are. Make sure the world never forgets either.

It was times like these, when she was so unsure of herself that she wished she could be with her.

After four more hours of trying dressed they find the right one. A stunning pale blue laden with gold, pearls and other gemstones. Anna let her borrow one of her diamond necklaces and put on golden earrings.

"Voila! You look stunning." Anna said with excitement as she took her to the mirror so she could see herself.

Kathryn could barely speak. It seemed like she was transported to the past, to the endless feasting and parties ... it was almost as if she was transported to a dream in which she was the queen and Henry was her husband ...

"What do you think?"

"It's beautiful ... I look beautiful." She said slowly, still unable she was the girl staring back at her in the mirror.

At the banquet, she met many people, old and new and they all took notice of her, but not enough to opaque the queen who always made sure they returned their gazes at her. As she sat down she felt a pair of eyes on her back. She didn't have to turn to see who it was.

She grinned and rose to join the queen and the king's sister in their dances, never once turning to meet the king's eyes, leaving him in a state of perpetual wonderment as she continued to ignore him and laugh and dance at his expense.

After all this time, you finally notice. She thought keeping her eyes focused on her dancing partners. When the music stopped she was invited to sit next to the queen.

Kathryn thanked her sister for the invitation. "It's not me you should thank." The queen said looking at Lizzie. "She thought you would make good company."

"Thank you Elizabeth."

"You are so welcome. You can sit next to me if you'd like Kathy."

Kathryn smiled despite the girl's sudden forgetfulness not to call her that again, and thanked her.

"That dress is very beautiful. Is that one of Anna's?"

"Yes. She let me borrow it."

"You should keep it. It looks very good on you, and it complements your cheeks."

Kathryn blushed.

"It really does." Elizabeth agreed.

Kathryn then shifted her eyes at the people below. Elizabeth saw her bewildered eyes and asked "Who are you looking for?"

"I hope it's not Joan, she does nothing but laugh and laugh all day." Kitty said bursting in laughter when she remembered her best friend's last joke. She was the life of the party but Joan was the jester and a party wasn't complete without her. She missed her friend. It was a shame that she was out shagging one of her many lovers but she knew how it felt. Kitty had been married to Henry less than four months and she already missed the old days when she could do whatever she wanted.

She wouldn't trade none of these beautiful furs and shoes for her old life. She had everything she ever wanted. Soon she would have a prince. She knew it was only a matter of time. If plain Jane Seymour could give a king a son, why not her?

She giggle quietly as she remembered the king bedding her for the first time on a bed of roses. She was covered in them and he looked as besotted as a teenager.

Poor Henry, the years hadn't been too kind on him but at least he didn't get fat and if it wasn't for that leg, she would find him attractive.

All you need to do is give him a son and stay out of trouble -Lady Rochford was right. Her husband is always busy, she had to find a way to keep him in her bed.

It was stupid of her to think he was seeing someone after her confrontation with her eldest stepdaughter. But she had been so worried that her confrontation with Mary had led him to other women's bed. She even suspected that her poor Anna was his new mistress! How silly!

She asked Kathryn too who she was looking for, after her laughter subsided.

Kathryn did not like hearing the queen's laughter, it brought back bad memories from her older sister who would always laughed when she made fun of their mother's friends.

"The lady Mary, Your Ma-Kitty. I was looking for the lady Mary. They said she'd be here."

"They?"

"The servants. They talk."

"That's true. They are lucky I don't whip them like their other masters, I could if I wanted to." She said. "Why are you so interested in her anyway? She's no fun. You heard what she called me."

"I wasn't present."

"Then Joan can tell you when she's back from visiting her relatives." Kitty said raising her glass to her mouth.

"Perhaps it's better not to involve Kathy in this, Kitty."

"No, we should if she wants to know what kind of spoiled woman your sister is."

"She is not spoiled, she's just misunderstood." Elizabeth said. "She didn't mean what she said to Kitty. She's just sad."

"She's always sad. When is high spoiled miss perfect not sad? I say she's jealous, deadly jealous because she knows she will die an old maid and she is getting uglier by the seconds." Kitty said and let out a loud laugh that was drowned by the musicians as they began to play louder so the crowds wouldn't pay attention to what their queen was saying.

"That is very sad indeed. I would still like to meet her, a poor soul like her could only need friends."

"Always the charitable soul sister, I am glad you are not like your late mother. Meet her then, I will arrange a meeting between you two but I warn you the bitch will be feisty." She laughed even louder and this time the music could do nothing to drown it.

Inside her small chamber Kitty had given her, she took her jewelry and her garments and stared at her own reflection. "Why are you doing this?" She asked this. "What are you gaining from this?"

She had been infuriated by Kitty's words, they struck a chord with her. If only she knew ... If only she knew how Kathryn felt when she said those words. A tear rolled down her cheek as she freed her hair from her snood. It came falling down to her waist, like cascades of golden waters from mount Olympus. Her father always said she was his favorite, that he loved her more than his other children.

Funny. For a while she believed him until he died and she realized what a fool she was. A beautiful, golden fool.

And you are still a fool.

The following day she met the lady Mary. She arrived in a black carriage, she was dressed in a rich dark blue gown that almost looked dark grey and it matched her eyes, which were cold as they gazed at the woman she was forced to greet. Another bastard from the Howard brood.

"What is your name, Madame?"

"FitzHoward my lady. It's Kathryn FitzHoward."

"I didn't ask for your first name just your last one."

"It's FitzHoward Madame."

"And it's not Madame it's my lady and you forgot to say pardon my lady as any educated lady would say but you are not an educated lady are you?" Lady Mary said and walked past her, leaving her alone in her chambers with her maids.

She turned to Mary's lead lady in waiting. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"You are to wait for the lady Mary."

"With you?"

"Yes. Is that a problem?"

"No, none at all. I'd be happy to meet new people." Kathryn said with a big open smile that was contagious.

Mary came back after a short apology to her father. News traveled fast and he didn't like mistreating his pet's new servant and half sister. "I am obliged to treat you to this night's delicacies mistress FitzHoward. Afterwards if you wish, you can stay in my chambers."

"There is no need my lady. It is my fault for requesting my dearest sister the queen's permission to meet you."

"Yes, I've heard you wished to meet me. Come to gloat too on the old maid?" Mary said and with an open smile that strangely mirrored hers, she chuckled. "Your sister and all her ilk think I am a monster and my sister is starting to believe the same but I just stick by my beliefs."

"That's very admirable my lady. My mother was the same."

"Your mother? You mean lord Edmund's mistress?"

"Yes." Kathryn said with some shame, casting her eyes down.

"I am sorry, I did not mean to distress you. Understand that my quarrel is not with you but your sister. The way she behaves herself is so ... so ..."

"Unqueenly?"

"Yes."

"You have nothing to fear from me my lady, I am not here to spy for her. My concern for you is genuine. My mother, you might not remember her but she was at court during your mother's tenure, she didn't live long. She died a while ago but I remember how well she spoke of you. She was a fervent Catholic, and before you judge her actions, take into consideration she was driven out of necessity. We are all driven to do terrible acts out of necessity."

"It shouldn't be so though." Mary said, remembering her own experience signing that dreaded oath. She never forgave herself for it, she prayed every day for forgiveness, along with whispering the names of all the people who caused her and her mother hurt, vowing that if she ever became queen they would be the first people to die.

"It shouldn't but it is." Kathryn said with a sad voice.

Mary's tone turned softer. "Would you care to join me and my ladies for a quiet chat? We will be discussing Plato."

"The Republic?"

"Yes, you know the rest of his works?"

"Not all but I am familiar with most of them, my father send some tutors and they would talk endlessly of his works and the other classics. I love the classics, I used to read them all the time. I miss them."

"You shouldn't have to miss them, I have more than enough copies for everyone, and also other books if you are interested."

"Thank you my lady."

"Just one condition."

"What is that?"

"Do not call me my lady. I am not a lady anymore, it's just Mary."

"Alright then, Mary."

Mary linked her arm around Kathryn's and led her to the parlor where books and more books were laid on the table by her new maid, and everyone from the highest to the lowest servant enjoyed listening to Mary and her ladies speak. There was a wisdom in her voice that you couldn't find anywhere and the way she spoke to her ladies was the same way she spoke to her lower servants whom you wouldn't think about speaking.

"They are people too." Mary said when they were alone in the dining area. "They are just like us, it's not their fault to be born in those conditions."

Kathryn felt reinvigorated by her words. As she drank from her cup, she remembered what somebody said when she was younger. They are people too. It sounded ironic now.

"Are you alright mistress FitzHoward?"

"Yes I am, I just remembered something unpleasant from my early years. It's nothing to be worried about." She said and as she raised her eyes to meet the lady Mary's for a second time, Mary was struck by for how much they looked like her mother's.

Kathryn realized her mistake and before Mary could ask her anything, she ran out of the room back to her chambers where she stayed for the next two days, claiming sickness.