The Nightmare

I had the dream again last night. The Nightmare. The Recurring Nightmare. The first night I had it was almost two months ago. It's been becoming more frequent since then. The first time I dreamt it I awoke shaking and screaming. My screams woke up John and he tried to comfort me until the shakes subsided. He asked what happened.

"A nightmare," I said, convincing the both of us. "Just a nightmare."

Whatever it was, I couldn't get back to sleep that night. I lay awake, with John sleeping again beside me, the rest of the night through.

The Nightmare was the first indication that I was pregnant. I just knew that was what it meant. The next morning I took a pregnancy test and I found that my suspicions were correct. I was stunned. I wasn't ready! It wasn't planned! I was afraid. When John came I told him right away. I was so nervous; I didn't know what he would do. So many feelings projected from him. First disbelief, then awe, fear, confusion, and lastly, happiness and excitement.

We talked it over. He wanted to keep it with all his heart. I would've gone whichever way John wanted on this issue. He wanted The Baby. He couldn't wait to be a father! A few days later I began to feel good about the decision. And I knew that we made the right choice.

I began to worry a little when The Nightmare kept coming. I didn't tell John about it. I thought I was just insecure about the pregnancy and being not at all ready for it. I had no idea what happened with pregnant women. Maybe it was just hormones. Maybe it wasn't uncommon for pregnant women to dream such frightening things. But in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't something so simple, I just didn't want to believe it.

I can barely sleep most nights for fear of The Nightmare. When I do finally get to sleep, either The Nightmare disturbs my sleep or some other fear-driven nightmare haunts my dreams. Even during the days it haunts me. I'm so tired all the time and fear that he is hiding around the corner, waiting to jump out and…

I'm scared for The Baby. I'm scared for us. What would I do if I lost it? Could I keep going on? I hate even thinking about losing it. What would John do? Would he be crushed? Or angry? I know he wouldn't be angry with me, but would he take it out on someone else? I wouldn't want him to do something extreme in the event that we did lose it. Should I worry about his sanity? Should I worry about my sanity?

John knows that something is wrong. I'm tired all the time and my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be. I'm sure I look like hell. He hasn't had too much experience with pregnant women. Maybe he thinks it's normal.

Should I tell someone about it? John? What would he do? He'd probably swing by Hell and look for him. If wasn't there? If he was on this plane? What if The Nightmare is true? Could I tell a doctor about The Nightmare? A doctor would probably give me some medication to stop it. That would be nice, but would medication hurt The Baby? Or they'd send me to a psychiatrist. Especially if I told them all the details. They wouldn't believe me. Just like I didn't believe John in the beginning… I don't think there's anything I can do other than grin and bear it.

I need to stop. Stop worrying myself even more. I think too much sometimes. It's not good for me. It definitely can't be helping. I used to do this when I was younger. If something worried me I kept thinking of it and thinking of it and getting more and more anxious and soon the worry consumed me. It was all I could think about or act upon. Sometimes I felt that I should have joined Isabelle in the hospital... I need to sleep.

I fall asleep rather quickly tonight. No sign of The Nightmare in sight. I feel better. Maybe I'll have a good dream tonight. I could use a good pick-me-up. But, no. It's just not fair…

My mind heads for the darkness. I'm completely lost in it. I can't see anything. I can't hear anything. I can't feel anything. I can't breathe. I turn around and see him. That horrible, smiling face… The hands quickly unwinding it… I feel sick… I know what's coming… I see it all very clearly now... Balthazar…with a grin on his face…and a hooked clothes hanger in his hands…

AN: I can't believe that I wrote this. I felt a bit sick at the end. To be honest sometimes I worry about my sanity.