A/N: just a quick angsty drabble. no trigger warnings

They had met on an online chat room. Alfred had admitted to not knowing what he was doing, spilling his life story to some creep who just wanted to know the color of his underwear.

It turned out the creep wasn't as much of a creep as Alfred originally thought. He still wanted to know the color of Alfred's underwear, but at least he waited until the third date to ask.

Their first meeting had been at a coffee shop thirty minutes away from Alfred's home.

"You're a lot older than I thought you would be," Alfred admitted, fiddling with the wrapper of his sandwich.

"I told you I was older, dear."

"Not creepy dateline guy older." He paused. "Sorry. That was mean. I'm nervous."

"You are looking to diffuse tension, I can see that." The creep who wasn't a creep smiled to Alfred and touched his knee in a way more intimate than Alfred would have liked. He had a lulling accent that Alfred couldn't help but feel drawn to.

"So you're from Russia." Alfred was rehashing old information, trying to keep a conversation alive. "Sorry, I'm not good at this. It's my first time. Meeting someone online I mean. I'm not a virgin."

"I know you're not, Alfred." The older man's hand slid through his hair and cupped the back of his hair. "Would it be alright if I kissed you?"

Alfred didn't know what his answer should be. So he said no.

Ivan tasted like cigarettes and baby powder. Alfred didn't know how to feel about that. "So how old are you?"

"I'll give you a hint, double yours and add three."

Alfred did the math in his head. "41. You're 41."

Ivan raised his eyebrows. "43. You said you were twenty."

Alfred flushed and shuffled nervously in his seat. "People take me more serious when I say I'm twenty instead of nineteen."

"Do not worry, I will take you seriously." Ivan's lips still tasted like cigarettes and baby powder.

Their first time having sex was in a motel room. Alfred felt like a cheap whore, but at least the feeling left when Ivan kissed him. He felt desperate as he clawed their clothes off, leaving them both bare and open to the world.

Ivan liked to do it under the covers. Alfred wouldn't have guessed.

Alfred was curled up against the pillows as he watched Ivan have a cigarette at the window. He was wondering when that habit would show itself. He wondered what else Ivan had never told him. He tried not to think about it. It was a strictly NSA relationship. That was what Ivan had said he wanted.

"Would you like to do this again?" Ivan asked as he crawled under the sheets, busy hands feeling out for Alfred's flesh. He tried not to think about who else those hands had probably touched.

"Like now? I'm gonna need another ten minutes."

"I meant another day. Would you like to make another arrangement?"

He'd thought it would be a one time thing, but with everything he'd told Ivan he was grateful to have something stick around in his life long enough to duck a second time. "Alright, but you're buying me dinner."

The dinner was nicer than Alfred had thought. More expensive too. He was embarrassed. "I kind of meant take me to the McDonald's drivethru but this works too."

"Do you think you don't deserve nice things?"

The question caught him completely off guard. "I think I do, I guess. Maybe not deserve, but I'd like nice things yeah."

"Then do not look a gift horse in the mouth and be grateful for dinner." Alfred was embarrassed to think he was being scolded.

Dinner was good- and expensive- and when Alfred tried to pay Ivan took his wallet from his hands. "I am buying you dinner."

Alfred couldn't help but wonder how many blowjobs was worth a prime slab of steak.

Alfred fidgeted in the car as Ivan dropped him by his house. "Do you want to come in?" The guilty feeling of owing Ivan sex was overcoming him. The guy had bought him a nice steak dinner, what else was he supposed to do?

"I would love to." Alfred held his breath. "But not tonight. I have to be home early and get ready for work in the morning."

He thought he should be relieved, but he just felt anxious. "Thanks for dinner." He kissed Ivan goodbye. He tasted like the porterhouse he'd eaten at dinner.

Ivan never took Alfred to see his house. The one time he asked Ivan changed the subject. "Do you want to go somewhere for dinner?"

Alfred didn't bring it up again. He didn't want to think what might be waiting for Ivan at his home.

"I thought this was supposed to be no strings attached," Alfred mumbled into his pillow as Ivan was up having his post-coital cigarette. He was surprised by a kiss.

"And I like you, Alfred. I want more." Alfred had assumed it already was more. "Why don't you come out of town with me this weekend. I have a nice cabin by the lake I rent out every summer. We will have fun."

Every instinct Alfred had told him not to go to a secluded place with Ivan, not to get sucked in, get possibly murdered, or worse. When Ivan kissed him he melted.

"Yeah, I'd love to."

The cabin was remote, and all they did was have sex. And go hiking, and swimming, and... Well, Alfred had a good vacation. Ivan liked to skinny dip. Alfred liked it too.

"Ivan, we shouldn't." They were kissing at the dock late at night and Alfred was nervous about being seen. Ivan only chuckled and kissed him again. "Ivan."

"Live a little. Come on."

That was the first time Ivan fucked him bareback.

He didn't know why it freaked him out. Ivan said he had no diseases, had shown him a recent test to prove it. Ivan had even been courteous to cleanliness and hadn't cum inside. It left a bad taste in his throat.

Work the next week felt longer than ever. He found himself waiting by his phone for Ivan to call.

Ivan called him to get drinks after work. Alfred felt like kissing him at the bar but Ivan stopped him and introduced him to a coworker. Alfred noticed Ivan only introduced him as a "friend."

Alfred also noticed the wedding ring.

He brought it up when Ivan brought them home, kissing on Alfred's couch with Ivan tugging at the buttons of his shirt. "You're married."

Ivan tried to recover from his faux pas- Alfred wasn't having it.

"You're married and you never thought to swing that by me? Christ, you probably have a kid too!" Ivan's silence spoke for itself. "Fuck, you have a kid, don't you?"

"It's not what you think-"

"It's exactly what I think! You're making me out to be some trashy home wrecker!" Alfred was burning with hot anger and shoved Ivan's hand away. "Don't fucking touch me! You're never going to touch me again. Go home to your fucking family."

He didn't see Ivan for two weeks. He didn't stop crying for two weeks.

When Ivan called him again he sounded sheepish. Alfred hated himself for still wanting to see him. "I like you, Alfred. I still want to see you."

Alfred hated himself for saying yes.