I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, unfazed by the noise the others were making in the main room. I looked at her pale relection, biting my lower lip in anxiousness.
Nothing in my life had prepared me for this day. Not my family, not school, not training. Nothing at all had prepared me for the sudden changes I knew my body would be forced to make eventually. I had woken up only a little while ago with that red stain in my underwear, and I currently was at a loss with what to do about it.
In Abnegation, women's bodies were a very private subject. Women family members could speak to each other if an issue arose, but it was usually kept very quiet. I knew about where children came from and what that entailed, but I was just so... unprepared. And it wasn't like I could ask anyone for help. I didn't know how to even broach the subject.
I sighed and aimlessly rubbed my sweaty hands on the black pants I'd just changed into. The black dress seemed completely impractical now, so I left it in my drawer and tried something else.
A loud thud from the next room made me jump. I opened the door to see Will on the floor, Christina on top of him, and everyone laughing hysterically. I forced a smile.
"Oh good, the Stiff's out of the bathroom." Will said. "Gerroff Christina, I have to take a leak." The door slammed, and I suddenly felt trapped.
"Something bugging you, Stiff?" Christina asked, eyes bright with laughter.
"N-no." I replied before turning on my heel and leaving the room. I couldn't muster the nerve to talk to Christina about my situation. Not yet.
Once out of the dormitory and in the hall, I felt my nervousness ease a little. There was still time before breakfast and I had no stomach for food. I'd just wait until everyone else left then sneak back into my bunk until training time.
I hurried along the corridors, not looking where I was going until I suddenly bumped into someone.
"Tris?" Four.
"Hi." I said awkwardly, my face flushing. Now was not the best time for his arrival. I tried to push past him with a hurried apology. He grabbed my shoulder and steered me back in front of him.
"What's with you?" He asked, blue eyes flashing.
"Nothing." I replied, keeping my face neutral.
"Okay." He said, dropping my shoulder and moving on his way. I suspected that wasn't the end of it; he'd find some way to torture me anew in combat today.
After a little more walking, I sat down and leaned against the wall, ignoring the dull pain in my abdomen. In school we were all given a very brief pamphlet on personal health, as was standard. My parents nodded silently when Caleb and I presented them at dinner and allowed us to go into our rooms to read. Caleb and I never discussed the contents.
I sighed, tracing an invisible pattern on the cold floor. I had the knowledge, so why did I feel so overwhelmed? Sure, I wasn't used to this yet, but I'd have the rest of my life.
After a while, I figured that the rest of the other initiates had gone to breakfast, so I traced my steps back to the dormitory. As I thought, it was deserted. My bed never looked so inviting and I collapsed on it.
Not for the first time, I wished I could talk to my mother. And I wished that Abnegation weren't always such late bloomers. I'd already heard Christina and Molly complaining about their times of the month. I knew that Christina had started when she was twelve, Molly fourteen. It didn't seem quite fair.
The door slid open.
"Tris?" I let out a breath. It was only Christina.
"I didn't see you at breakfast, so I came here. You ready for today, Stiff?"
"Yes." I replied evenly.
"What's going on?" She asked. The door opened behind her, revealing Al and Will.
"Nothing, I'll talk to you later." I replied, sitting up. "Training time?" The others nodded and began to get ready. I sat up, feeling sluggish.
We filed into the training room quickly, facing Eric and Four like we were supposed to. The board already had our assignments on it. I groaned inwardly as I saw my name next to Christina's; we were up second to last.
At first time seemed to go slow, and I took the opportunity to relax, but it was over too quick. My stomach rattled and my palms began to sweat again, adding to the faint feeling I'd already been having.
We got into the center and took our starting stances. My mouth felt dry and the room swirled.
"Begin." Eric said.
Faster than I could have anticipated, Christina darted in and delivered me a crushing blow to the abdomen. I dropped like a rock and lay there, unmoving.
"Tris?" Four's voice came from his spot across the room.
"Stiff went down like a board." Peter sneered.
"I didn't hit her hard..." Christina said, surprised. I didn't move.
"Take her to the infirmary." Eric drawled. Christina tugged her into a standing position and dragged me into the hall.
"Tris, what's going on?" She asked quietly, pulling me along as if I weighed nothing.
"Wait..." I panted. "Don't take me to the infirmary. Just take me back to the room."
"What? Why?" She asked.
"It's not anything serious." I pleaded.
"You just passed out after one little kick, Stiff." Christina replied dubiously.
"I just don't feel well today." I said.
"Oh for heaven's sake, Tris! Are you on your monthlies?" Christina asked. I froze.
"M-maybe."
Christina sighed, her expression changing to something that almost looked kind.
"First time?" She asked.
"Maybe." I replied.
"Come on." She said, wrapping my arm around her shoulders. "I'll take you to the room and get you the things you need." I felt slightly more relieved.
We passed the training room just as Four came out, dragging a nearly unconscious Al. The others were filing out behind him.
"You know, the infirmary is the opposite direction." He said snarkily.
"We know." Christina threw right back. "But her problem can't be fixed there." Four raised his eyebrow.
"You were instructed to take Tris to the infirmary. I suggest you do what you're told, Christina." He said coldly. I squeezed my eyes shut, praying that Christina wouldn't make a scene.
"What're they gonna do? Stick a piece of cotton where the sun don't shine and dope her up? She can do that in the privacy of the bathroom, thanks." Christina said. Tris groaned.
Four stood there, looking down at Christina while Al's bleeding nose dripped on the floor.
"You've got a big mouth." He said bluntly after a moment.
"And you've got a big-" Peter and Molly snickered.
"Do you want me to put this guy down and kick your ass?" Four asked dangerously. "Take Prior to the infirmary, or I will."
"Four..." I protested, wriggling free from Christina. She crossed her arms and got a determined look on her face.
"She's going back to her room. You're not a doctor." Christina said.
"Neither are you."
"I'm a woman, that makes me a hell of a lot more qualified than you when a girl gets her monthlies for the first time!"
Four immediately turned bright scarlet. The other initiates were roaring with laughter.
"Would someone like to tell me what is going on?" Eric said from the back of the crowd. "Let's get moving."
"Christina's giving Four a lesson in female anatomy." Drew snickered.
"Why?"
"Stiff's got her bleeding for the first time. That's why she was extra... well, Stiff today." Molly said gleefully.
I couldn't stand the embarrassment any longer; I let my legs crumpled beneath me and sprawled unceremoniously on the corridor floor, narrowly missing the puddle of nose blood.
"All right, bodily sharing time is over. Get out." Eric said. I heard the sound of shuffling footsteps, then felt myself being picked up.
"Wow, she is skinny." Will's voice said.
"Give her a break." Christina snapped.
"Sorry. Sure it isn't your time too?" Will teased.
"Wouldn't you like to know." She replied venomously.
I heard the whoosh of the bedroom door opening and Will dropped me on my bunk.
"Okay. Time to awaken. There's no one here but us." Christina said. My eyes popped open.
"You little faker." Will chuckled.
"I did what I had to." I replied, my cheeks heating up.
"Out." Christina said, shooing Will with her hands. "Time for girl talk."
"I'm going." Will said, shutting the door behind him.
"Why'd you do that?" I said, wounded.
"What, send him out? I didn't think-"
"No, in the hallway. Proclaim to everyone my personal business."
"Sorry, I just got all carried away."
I huffed, curling into a ball. Christina moved over into the bathroom and began rattling around in the drawers under the sink.
"I suppose Stiffs are pretty private about that kind of stuff."
"Yes." I replied.
She emerged with a package of what I could only assume were feminine products. Our health pamphlets mentioned those briefly and I'd seen the same kind of box in the back of our medicine cabinet back in Abnegation.
"They supply us women with a couple packs of these every month. They're in the drawer with all the other stuff. Use what you need."
I was surprised I hadn't noticed, but then again, I rarely went digging into anything.
"The instructions are on the package. It's not so unusual when you're used to it." I took the package, nodding.
"I'll wait out here." She said. I rose from the bed and walked woodenly to the bathroom.
When I emerged a few minutes later, feeling slightly better, Christina was sitting on my bed. I sat next to her.
"Thanks." I said awkwardly.
"Don't worry about it. We may not all be friends, but women are women." She replied. I blinked. It was weird to think of myself as a woman now.
"Four might be scarred for life." Christina remarked.
"Yeah, you really went all out on him." I replied.
"Well. Enough sentiments. I'll leave you here in your agony. If you really need it, there's also specific pain medicine in the drawer. But remember, we're in Dauntless now. And Dauntless women fight even when there's blood gushing from their-"
"Christina!"
"Relax a little, Stiff. Nothing wrong with talking about female anatomy. Everyone knows that guys do it all the time." Christina flashed me a smile, then left.
I sighed, curling up in a ball again. Nothing would be quite the same from now on, but maybe I'd found an ally in Christina.
A knock sounded at the door and it opened to reveal Four.
"Tris." He said. "Are you alright?"
"Yes." I replied steadily. "Sorry about Christina. She made it into a bigger deal than it was worth."
"Yeah." Four replied, looking awkward. "Well, don't let anyone use this information against you."
"I won't" I said. "Now that I know what to expect."
Four stood there, looking completely at a loss, then turned on his heel and went into the hallway.
"If it were any other circumstance, I'd tell you not to let it happen again. But seeing as I can't..." He said.
"I'll do better tomorrow." I promised. He shut the door.
I sighed, rolling to face the wall. I found myself wishing again that I could talk to my mother. Christina didn't exactly do much to ease my mind, but I guess that's how it was in Dauntless now.
"It will be all right, Beatrice. You're older now." I heard my mother's voice saying in my head, and that last thought of her lulled me to sleep.