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THE FIRST NIGHT

Sleep is impossible tonight.

My mind keep on thinking about the woman lying in bed next to me.

My colleague, my work partner, my last chance to discover what I need to know for my peace of mind.

She sleeps peacefully, after we finished she just said goodnight and turned her back to me.

I lay awake, my eyes adjust to the absence of lamps and to the moonlight from the windows.

I go the bathroom and hit my bare foot on a table leg, suffocating my imprecation not to woke her up.

With the small light from the bathroom I scan the mini apartment; this time I can explore as I want.

My eyes adjust to the half darkness, her vital space is compact, neat and tidy like her personality.

This time I'll stay, no return home to an empty shell and a ghost in my cold bed.

I need somebody real for once, I want to wake up and see her around in the morning, alive, I want to discuss with a person, not hearing in my mind answers I already have.

When Saga showed up at the greyhound race I've just passed past Lene.

Like other times before, it was an unpleasant moment and I diverted my gaze

It was the worst part, to meet again the woman I've been with for a night only.

This time I think I'll meet this woman again, I'm sure again and again, come the morning at work and more. I feel elated and I do not know why.

Since Saga refused my invitation to the restaurant I feared it would be hard to get another chance soon.

And there she was, dressed like I left her at the station, between people pretending to appear at their best for the mating game.

She was like a black sheep in a white flock and I did not care.

I followed her moves secretly, completely forgetting the other women there.

I saw the way she approached men, neither of them giving in her front more than a polite no and when she turned her back a compassionate smile.

I was angry for the way they treated her, they were unaware of the brilliant mind I could already appreciate a lot and they did not gave a close look at the well toned body I was now used to have on the car seat next to mine.

When the crowd dissipated and the races ended I saw her sitting alone, her back to the arena.

I must say I was happy she did not find anybody, so I could go to her and talk with few people around.

She complained I was too optimistic in describing her the set up of these evenings and I explained the majority of people there were looking for something more than a one night stand.

Then she surprised me, asking me what I was looking for, because if I was not searching commitments I was having a failure, just like her.

I turned to scrutinize her, my brain in full motion.. should I dare, do I dare to suggest something I've dreamed since the first day we worked together?

What I hoped would happened after our dinner at Geranium, that I imagined was my first real date years after Alice's whirlwind courtship.

But with a colleague I had to be cautious, so I put my desire in theoretical terms, asking if she was simply suggesting what I thought she was.

Her down to earth response was perfect for me, she said she was simply stating a fact.

I could play again her way, saying that it could be interpreted as we should have sex together.

Ditto.

The moment of tension dissipated and I felt lighter.

She looked at me and answered positive.

And I was ready, more than I ever was with every other woman, something inside me said it would not be simple sex; this is going to end in tears, my boy, I said to myself, and if tears will be mine, I do not care, I have to try.

Pretending calm while my heart was beating too fast, I crossed the last line.

It could be simply an interpretation or we should really have sex?

She lowered her gaze for a moment then she was back on me and I saw the deal was done.

I felt strangely shy, like the younger man I had been with Alice so many years ago, when I told her my yes.

So I turned to practical details, about me spending the whole night at her place, due to work, I added, when the truth was I could not take her in Alice's bed or return to its emptiness again.

She agreed and we left the arena soon, back to our cars and we crossed the bridge to Malmo, she lead and I followed.

I listen to the radio all time, have to stop my dangerous thoughts, to silence the little voice that is trying to alert me, to make me turn 180 degrees the car and go to sleep alone.

Her rules come totally unexpected, I listen to her and realise I've had my share of women, but none of them is ever slightly comparable to her in her attitude toward sexual matters.

No caressing, no kissing, oral sex allowed, straight missionary position.

I stop undressing, have to process the requests and plan what to do.

I'm not a machine, to perform so out of blue is unusual, although I am in the club for a long time.

She is lying on the bed, half naked, her lower body exposed and ready for me.

Concentrate on undressing, gilet, shirt, trousers, underwear.

Her gaze is on me, her eyes roaming over my body, she seems not indifferent to me.

Good. My tension is slowly flying away.

I'm better now, I join her on the bed, hovering over her, no contact at all.

She looks at me and I'm not afraid, everything will be fine, I'm sure.

I feel myself getting ready and I ask her to touch me down there; she move her hand between us and I respond to her actions.

My breath get faster, soon I'm inside her and I want to see her face, I want our gaze connected like our bodies are.

The rest come naturally, pleasure and release and after I turn on my back, I feel happy and relaxed for the first time in years.