A/N: This is just a random one-shot that I had written a few weeks back. It may seem like a random array of sentences because I've never used such a format before. Still, I hope that you enjoy!
Have fun reading :) Please R&R.
FAILURE
The first time Hatake Kakashi failed, it was as a son.
He is a prodigy, a genius, nonpareil among his peers. He can hear the whispers about his brilliance, the awed gasps that ended with silent praise. At the mere age of five, he learns not to be bothered much. Knowing extremely well that a ninja worked in the quietness of the shadow, not under the brightness of fame. But he can't pretend passivity when he hears his name associated with the inimitable white fang. His insides warm at the compliment and for a fraction of a moment one could see the smile, wide beneath his mask because no matter how good of a prodigy he was, in the end, he did look up to someone and in his case, it was his father, his idol. His hero.
It is for this reason that he feels a part of his heart crumbling at his father's failure. He starts when he hears the harsh accusations, the immoral whispers and feels frozen, his mind numb in denial when he hears people wishing for his death. His sadness translates into anger and he directs it all at his father for he cannot bear the warrior he once looked up to reduced to such a deplorable state. He feels rage when he sees a peerless hero reduced to a mop of self-pity. So he leaves him like that, to despair in the valley of his own fears because somehow he thinks that the white fang will come out under the sun again. No, he believes that he will see his father alive once more. Sometimes he looks at the heartbreak of his father as he turns his angry glare towards him and flinches inside but reminds himself that this is what his father needs. Because he was born and bred a ninja and they are bred to fight, fight and fight.
He comes home to the characteristic quiet, yet his heart pounds a bit faster and his breath comes sharper and on instinct, he runs inside the room. His heart breaks at the sight and for once he realises that he could be wrong in his deductions.
He closes himself off and accepts the condolences of a few people willing to come to his funeral, the failure's funeral. He pretends that he is fine, his grief hidden behind a mask of indifference because he tells himself that he has no time for cowards and no time for failures and he begrudgingly agrees that his father was both. Still, his feet carry him to the bar his father once frequented and he sees those men, for whom his father had suffered such disgrace, laughing over their dinner and he feels the blood in him run cold and his grip on the kunai nearly snaps it in half. He takes a step forward but stops under the weight of a hand only to look up into the knowledgeable gaze of one Minato Namikaze. He feels the tears burning in his eyes and his throat closes in a show of uncharacteristic emotions but he hates failures and cowardice and he loathes weakness so he turns and shrugs the hand off, leaving behind yet another man who truly cared.
As he walks down the dark pathway he stops to look up at the deep dark dome, darkened by the impending storm and looks at the lightning that crashes, splitting the sky into two and suddenly he sees his father, smiling, and he sees those people laughing at his death but then he sees the eyes of his father, the ones that held sadness and grief but not one shred of regret and he clenches his teeth in anger. At that moment he finds that friends are not worth it and he is determined to prove his father wrong in his compassion. So he pushes them all away. He rejects the challenges of Maito Gai because he could see the worry hidden in his eyes under a veil of idiocy. He shuts down the invitations of Asuma and Genma. And scoffs at the compassion in the eyes of Kurenai. He throws them away, cold and indifferent as their gazes burn into his back.
He is incredulous when he ends up in a team and makes sure that they realise his detachment. He furrows his brow at the obnoxious loudness of Obito, the shy care of Rin and the fatherly solicitude of Minato. He stays away, he tries to and tells himself that he does not, he will not, care but in a particularly difficult mission he strains himself to save the two idiots and feels a surge of thankfulness at the sight of the blonde mop and for once couldn't help the quirk of his lips at the fate of the enemy nin. That night as he lays in his bed, looking at the white of his wall, he remembers the kunai that had nearly impaled Obito and for a moment he wishes that it had rather impaled him. He sits up with a start, his throat closing at the staggering realisation. He clenches his sheets until his knuckles turn white against his grip. He tells himself that he will be careful and that he won't tread down the same path.
The coming morning his demeanour is as crisp as the first day. But then he hears Obito's loud whispers and Rin's shy giggle and then he hears Obito's complaints at getting teased by both Rin and Sensei and for once he joins in the conversation, his tone light and mischievous. He is just as startled as them and thinks of pretending indifference but then those bright smiles are directed towards him and he feels Rin hanging off of one arm and Obito pulling at the other. He looks up to see the large hand of his sensei ruffling his messy mop and he realises that he doesn't want to. Because whatever this was, he loved it and wanted to hold onto it till his last breath. He shrugs them all off and walks towards a tree and feels their quietness and hurt so he turns and smirks at Obito and throws a jab that has him fuming but his heart still lightens as he sees the relief flash through their eyes.
It is then that he finds that he would gladly be the one impaled as long as it is not one of them and the world suddenly turns on its axis.
Obito once tells him that he thinks of his father as a hero and if it would've been him he would have done the same. Kakashi's feet nearly miss the next branch and he sees the agreement flicker through the eyes of his sensei and in his silent rage he cuts Obito off. For Obito did not know the absolute disgust and disgrace all shinobi feel for his father. Obito shrugs and for once there is this uncharacteristic quiet in his demeanour that leaves Kakashi frozen. (at night it takes him hours to convince himself about his father's failure, once again)
Then he meets with Jiraya one day and the old sanin murmurs his father's name and his head jerks towards him to reprimand him for he doesn't want to be associated with that- that failure but he sees the sadness flicker through Jiraiya's eyes and the quiet mourning for his father's death and Obito's words echo in his mind. It is that night that the first seeds of doubt find their way in his heart.
The next month his world (and his heart) comes down crumbling. He is assigned a Jonin mission with those two as his team. His nervousness is carefully hidden but he feels Obito's hand on his shoulder and Rin's soft word of assurance and for once he doesn't shrug them off. Instead, he looks at the path spread out before them and even in the war, death and misery he feels a ray of hope and his eyes crinkle as a smile touches them for the first time in years. He wants to believe that it will turn out well.
It doesn't end well. Rin is taken and he is torn between the need to save her and his duty to the village. His mind focuses on the latter yet a string of memories pass through his mind and he wants to be with her. But then he sees the determination in Obito's eyes and the aggression in his stance and he remembers the hollow figure of his father. The emotions come to an abrupt halt and in a cold voice, he tells Obito of his decision. Nothing could have prepared him for the utter rage in his friend's eyes. The punch he delivers feels bittersweet and he staggers at the force. He leaves then because he knows that he will repeat the mistake of his father if he returned Obito's burning gaze.
Yet he fears, fears for their safety, for their lives and he remembers the times they have spent together. The past collides with the future and suddenly he is sprinting because all of Konoha be damned, he will save them. He takes the kunai meant for Obito and the burning pain in his eye is numbed by seeing his best mate alive and for the first time, he starts to see the world through his father's perspective.
Then they're running, towards the end of that tunnel and he wants to make it. No, he desperately needs to make it. So for once, he could join them in their talks, their dinners, their days like the teammate he was supposed to be. He sees the boulder falling towards him and his life flashes through his eyes. It is fine, he reminds himself, It is fine as long it is not them.
The next thing he sees is a blur of blue and a flash of Sharingan and he hears the crunch of bones being crushed but his mind comes to an abrupt halt because it is not his own.
He sees his friend, bruised and crushed under the mass and he sees the sadness in his eyes (at a life lost too soon) and heartbreak (at not being able to see them again) but not a single shred of regret. He remembers his father and suddenly the world is clearer and sharper. His hand clenches into a fist because he knows that people will hate Obito for his sacrifice (they care about the mission and not for heroics). They will hate him because they are too selfish to see the love and sacrifice beneath the name of shinobi and he knows what he must do. He is determined not to let it end this way. It is the reason why he quietly accepts the Sharingan and grabs Rin.
He promises that he will always protect her.
(The stone nin could never have predicted their demise in the form of a silver blur.)
He goes home with a completed mission and people hail Obito as a hero. He finds that the line between hero and failure is too thin to be trodden upon.
The sky is dark, yet again, and he feels as if the heavens themselves are aligning at the lives lost. He stops to look up at the lightning and couldn't help but associate his sadness with the sharp flash. It is then that he feels all the anger and resentment turning into grief and hurt. All of his arguments blur his mind until he cannot see the road anymore.
He is soaking by the time he reaches the grave, overgrown by weed and grass. The same grave he had not visited for seven years now. His grief takes over his mind and he wipes a shaking hand over the nameplate, the engraved alphabets clear for the world to see. He falls to his knees and his hands clench the wet mud. He feels his shoulders shaking under the burden of his emotions and for the first time since he had heard the word 'failure' associated with his father, he cries. Letting all the anguish seep into his quiet wails, for he doesn't know how to repent for his mistake. For once he doesn't know how to make it right.
So he stays there, the tears rushing down his cheeks, mixing with the downpour and he clenches his fists from the newfound resolve. He wipes a hand across his face and stands. With the last shaking breath, he whispers his plea for forgiveness, a part of him hoping that it gets drowned in the wind.
A man leaning against the tree smiles ironically. His blue gaze closing at the hurt in the voice of the kid_his kid. He feels his throat closing when he hears the plea of forgiveness and squashes his desire to rush towards the kid and tell him that it is already accepted. That his father could never think of blaming him. He stays rooted, his eyes making out the retreating figure for he knows that a part of Kakashi is already aware. He looks at the back, hunched in the wake of his grief and pain and a flash of pride is reflected through his eyes. He knows even now, who will succeed him once he retires. A smile tugs at his lips as he walks home because as his sensei he knew, if there was one thing that never stopped Kakashi, it was a failure and he believes that it will also be the case this time around.
He needs to believe that.
The first time Hatake Kakashi failed, it was as a son. A son who couldn't realise the true meaning of his father's sacrifice and hated him for it. But now as he walks through the storm he looks up to the heavens. His hand finds his kunai. He promises that day, to be better, to be stronger. To protect all those who need his power because as he remembers the smile of Rin and Minato he finds himself believing that it will be fine. As long as they were there it will be fine. His hands strain with a need to get stronger because come hell or high water he won't see another person he cared for buried in that mud.
For the first time in his life, his grip on the kunai splinters it into shreds.