HELLBENT

Athena sighed and put the richly ornamented silver cup with half finished ambrosia back on the table. Artemis looked at her friend puzzled.

"What's the matter, dear?"

"No, nothing..."

"But I can see something's worrying you."

Athena rolled her eyes.

"It's that Spartan..."

"The mentally unstable one?"

"Yeah."

"Don't tell me that you and him..."

"No! Of course not! How could you think so! He's totally not my type. You know well that I like men to be sensitive, delicate, gentle, well-read in poetry and not..."

"Yeah, yeah but..."

"But what?"

"Well... I..." Artemis looked sideways and blushed slightly. "So... why are you worried because of him?"

"I'm not exactly worried. He's just... bothersome."

"Bothersome? You mean he hasn't taken no for an answer and continues trying to seduce you?"

"No. He's not trying to seduce me, Artemis."

"But why wouldn't he try to seduce you? You're a gorgeous woman, Athena! Every god, demigod and mortal would die to..."

"Well, sort of, I know. But it has nothing do with sex, this time."

"What's going on then?"

"The thing is he... keeps on casting himself from that damned Suicide Bluff whenever I'm not looking."

"Oh, he's suicidal? Still?"

"Yeah, quite. He's probably sneaking up those stone stairs again as we speak."

"Weren't you to tell him that he can take the place of Ares and become the new god of war?"

"I was. And I have told him."

"But what exactly?"

"I've told him that the gods cannot allow someone like him to perish by his own hand, that now there's an empty throne in Olympus and that this is his ultimate reward."

"And? Hasn't it made him feel any better?"

"No. Actually, it's kind of worsened his state."

"A senseless reaction."

"At first he was calm and silent. It seemed like everything was going well. But then this huge vein bulged across his forehead. And he flipped out totally. Attacked my statue roaring like a rabid minotaur. Knocked it down to the ground and started strangling it yelling that I'm a sick, deceptive bitch."

"Really?" Artemis' eyelashes fluttered in astonishment. "What an insolent, ungrateful brute! Such an honour, such an incredible opportunity and he acts like a lunatic, calls you names!"

"Then he jumped to his feet, stomped my maltreated statue a few times, bellowed that I could shove that ultimate reward of mine up my ass, made an insulatory hand gesture and, before I managed to react, cast himself from the bluff for the second time."

"Unimaginable! That degenerate does not deserve your care and attention, Athena."

"I don't really care about him that much. I would gladly let Hades handle this case but a new god of war is needed."

"And does it have to be that Spartan troglodyte? Why don't you choose someone else?"

"It's not so simple, Artemis. There are swarms of mortals who'd commit any, even most horrendous, crime for a chance to become a god but special skills and predispositions are required. Not to mention that the god community is highly hermetic. I cannot appoint someone just like that."

"If you say so."

"I did manage to find a few alternative candidates among demigods, though. Unfortunately, none of them accepted."

"On second thoughts, despite all the power, immortality and so on the job is rather dull and ungrateful."

"Euphemistically speaking. At least I am the goddess of strategy and tactics. But Ares' realm was always just unimaginative slaughter. Consider the infamous Olympian red-tape. With casualties running into thousands the paper work is an absolute nightmare."

"I've always thought warfare was excluded."

"No, quite the opposite, in fact. Warfare related bureaucracy is the worst of all! Calling it a procedural overkill would be a heavy understatement. To give you an example; every single casualty must be reported."

"Every?"

"Individually. In detail."

"You're kidding."

"I'm dead serious."

"Wow."

"Mortals don't even realise what clerical hell is uleashed every time they follow their innate urge to murder each other massively."

"How did Ares manage to stand it for so long?"

"He was a total paper work freak. He loved it! All those calculations, balances, protocols... War served just as an excuse. Everybody thinks he engaged into battles himself so frequently because of insatiable blood-thirst. The truth is he did it only to have more papers to do."

"How eccentric."

"Oh yes, my brother was weird. A mere year of this bureaucratic absurd would drive anyone insane. And whole eternity?"

"No wonder those who know the score are not interested."

"That's why I have to think of something to make the man stop committing suicide constantly and take the job."

"Any ideas so far?"

"No. Frankly speaking, I completely don't know what to do."

Artemis pondered the problem for a while.

"Maybe..." she said with a devillish smile, "if we manage to distract him from those autodestructive thoughts and focus his attention on something else he'll pull himself together in time?"

"Okay, but how are we supposed to do this?"

"Aphrodite could help us."

"I'm not on speaking terms with that... that slut!"

"Oh, come on. It's been so many years!"

"I don't care!"

"Prince Paris was a tasteless weakling. And Aphrodite cheated. It is you who should have won the beauty contest, Athena."

"There's no way in hell I'm asking her for anything!"

"Don't be childish."

"I'm not childish! I just have my womanly pride! Besides, even Aphrodite's bound to fail here."

"You think so?"

"I know."

"How come?"

"Well, she has already tired her powers on our suicider."

"And?"

"It's a fairly recent story. All gods gossiped about that affair some 15 years ago. Where were you then?"

"But what happened?"

"The results of Aphrodite's attempts were outstandingly poor, so to speak."

"Namely?"

Athena's eyes narrowed and she smirked with malevolent satisfaction.

"They did it once and he dumped her afterwards."

"No way!"

"I'm telling you. He didn't even stay until morning. While she was sure it was serious. She was taunted for weeks!"

"What a humiliation!"

"Yes, quite a spectacular one. Of course, she tried to make it look as if she had had everything under control. As if that pitiful, how to call it... quarter-night-stand was all she had wanted. But no-one bought that."

"How naive of her to think anyone would."

"Indeed."

Silence fell across the room as both goddesses were simultaneously lost in their thoughts. Then, after a longer while, Artemis spoke.

"It's going to be more difficult than I thought. But maybe Dionysus could help us?"

"No! Only not Dionysus!"

"Why not?"

"Last time he was involved things got pretty... ugly."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean this is really not a good idea."

"So what will you do?" Artemis lifted her brows. "Fill in the vacancy yourself, work double full-time and go crazy writing those endless casualty reports?"

Athena growled with frustration and burried her face into her hands. A tryumphant smile blossomed on Artemis' lips.

"I'm sending Dionysus a message that we will visit him tomorrow."

And so it was decided.

- - -

Will Dionysus agree to help Athena? Will the plan of Artemis prove successful? Can wine, lewd sex and utter decadence weaken the PTSD induced suicide-drive of the great Spartan warrior?

Read Smoke's Anesthetize to find out why Athena was sceptical.