Why Are We Still Friends?
by layniebleargh
Ten years ago, I met a boy. He was most quiet, most mysterious, most intimidating. He was arrogant, but he was a great guy nevertheless. He was the representation of perfection. Strong, handsome, intelligent. He was someone I always wished to be with. His name is Neji Hyuuga.
Little did I know, that very small encounter - a flicker of an eye meeting the deepest set of orbs - led to years of acquaintance. If put into by his words, it must be fate - a simple girl put together with a boy beyond words, a boy whose existence held more than his comrades' put together. Yes, it must have been. Else, how could a prodigy, always surrounded by great people and praises, notice a simpleton?
But life is known to be unpredictable. While the simpleton remained a simpleton, the prodigy turned out to be a caged bird. Was it because I had nothing to lose while he had everything at stake? "No," he said to me, "it was I that had nothing to lose... and everything to gain." As time flew by, I came to understand what he meant. He never had much to begin with; he garnered by accomplishment. So he, unlike popular belief, was the genius of hardwork, after all.
If there is a thing that never changes, it must be change itself. From mere knowledge of the other, my relationship with Neji Hyuuga changed its course into a path of friendship. I must be an idiot not to notice, but when did the distance between us became indistinguishable? When did we began eating together, training together, having fun together... when did we get together?
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We do almost everything that lovers do
And that's why it's hard, just to be friends with you
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I hugged him right when I was allowed to enter his room after he returned ghostly white from the failed Sasuke Retrieval Mission. He held me when he released me from the water prison I was caged in. He intertwined his hands with mine as the results of the jounin examinations were announced. I gave him a kiss on the cheek on his seventeenth birthday. He gave me one too - on the lips this time - when I became legal. We shared everything that could be shared - weapons, tent, blanket, warmth, feelings...
Yet the fact still remained that we are only friends, nothing less and nothing more.
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Every time your heart is broken by the fool
I want you to know that it hurts me too
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When I first heard that Neji was in a relationship with a daimyo's daughter, I tried to act cheerfully. It sure shredded my heart into pieces, but then... if Neji loves her, and it would be convenient and suitable for the Hyuuga clan's name... So I smiled when he told me, and advised him on how to keep things healthy. Actually, the boy had the nerve to make us meet personally. When I saw Yumi-san of Tea, I regretted my previous musings about her. She was beautiful, polite, and well-mannered. But when I learned from Hinata that the girl dumped Neji when her ex-boyfriend sued her, I immediately regretted regretting. After a whole year of being together, she just - well, if Neji did not stop me, I would've went straight to Tea to tell her off. But the hurt behind those moony orbs was more than enough. I couldn't help but sigh and leave him alone. I was not in the position anyway. She was Neji's, and Neji was never mine.
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It's hard to wipe your tears away
Knowing that you should be with me
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That night I went straight to bed. No dinner, no weapon sharpening, no bath. I went straight to bed to cry. If I was Neji's girl, I would never have let that sad look cross his face. I would always make him happy and content. I would look after him. I would love him like how he poured his feelings for me. If I was his girlfriend, he wouldn't be hurt. That is, if.
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Now tell me why
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Why did I have to know from others the most important things in his life? Why did he have to hide them from me? If not forced or if not the circumstances gave it a chance, I would not have known his past and his feelings.
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Why – why are we still friends
When everything says
We should be more than we are
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We were splendid together. The perfect team. We compliment each other and we work well. We have been together longer than anyone else, and our relatives have nothing against us. We did things that just friends wouldn't do, yet no matter how close we have gotten, between us - there is - nothing.
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And tell me why every time I find
Someone that I like
We always end up just being friends
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They said that he was jealous, and he outright admitted it. Whenever I was with Kiba, or Kankuro, he would always be frustrated and furious. Next day he would be rough and ask me out from nowhere - but later, after points have been made, and many things said, he would apologize, and things would return to normal again - normal, as in just friends.
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I would hate for you to find somebody new
Who you really love, cause it would mean losing you
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There were nights when I was restless. If Neji found someone, someone he would love with all his soul, and would love him with the same intensity - would he leave me? Would he silently ask me to 'just go home' and do my own business with the piercing eyes of his, again?
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But am I a fool girl not to say
If I'm always scared I'll lose you anyway
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No matter what happens, Neji would always be Neji - and if he needs me not, he would always be free... to leave me. I know Neji better than anyone else, and the Neji I know would always pursue his resolve.
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Somehow somewhere I've got to choose
No matter if it's win or lose
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However, if I would settle for our friendship, and never make a move, I know that it would be the thing I won't forgive myself for. I love Neji, I love Neji Hyuuga so much, that no matter what - whether he choose another or choose to leave me - it would still hurt me like how I have been hurting all these years. Even if our friendship would survive and would remain, I know that alongside the joy of that simple connection to the one and only man I love and would ever love is sorrow, sadness. It really is the most joyful and painful experience... love.
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Now tell me why
Why – why are we still friends
When everything says
We should be more than we are
And tell me why every time I find
Someone that I like
We always end up just being friends
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And here I am now, ten years after we first met, enduring the white-hot wound that my feelings inflict upon my heart and soul, hoping that one day, we would be more than friends. I know that I love you, and I feel that you love me too, but there is just something that wouldn't let us be. Hyuuga Neji, until that day when we could be more, I'll be hanging by this thin thread of friendship, hoping than one day our words, our touches, our kisses, would be not of hurting, but of peace and gladness that I have yearned for since forever. Until that day then...
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To my friend Neji, with my all:
I love you.
-Tenten
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