The first time was an accident. Honest to god, it was an accident. We were both drunk, and heavens know I needed a little comfort. That's my excuse at least. He doesn't really think we need one.

It wasn't long after my farewell to both Kaoru and Kenshin, then my stern goodbye to Kenji, that he showed up. Bright and happy, as normal, screaming hello with his huge mouth, fisting his hand in my face and demanding a duel, Yutaro hadn't changed much since the last time I saw him. Unfortunately, I had. He seemed completely befuddled by my empty gaze and the utter lack of a snappy remark about my own victory. It was only then that he seemed to notice how empty the dojo was.

"Eh, you're no fun. Where is everyone else?" He started doing some strange dance, probably not a dance so much as the excitement bubbling over. He was grinning like a lunatic, positively insane with joy and his return to the island. It was a shame that I had to ruin it, but at the time, his happiness only brought me down.

"Everyone is dead," I growled, standing up, the sakabatou that Kenshin had given me held firmly in my hand. My keepsake, my only memory. Well, that and the few kimonos that hadn't been eaten away by time.

After his failed attempts to cheer me, he darted to the gates and ran into the street, claiming he had a remedy that was sure to be a winner. I wasn't sure then whether Yutaro was a blessing or punishment.

It wasn't until the sun had drifted down below the horizon that Yutaro returned, arms full, grin still present. He sat me down on the platform overlooking the yard where I had sat and watched Kenshin catch fireflies with Ayame and Suzume once. He poured the sake into my cup so many times I lost count and his babbling progressively grew louder and perpetual, the drone in my ears like a hornets nest that was strangely comforting in its hum.

Then eventually the bottles he had bought were no longer fruitful and he decided it was time to retire to his sleeping room, though I didn't remember giving him one. I wasn't in the mood to complain, or in the mood to speak anything sane period. I decided that if he wanted to stay, so be it. He did buy the sake after all; it wouldn't be very host-like of me to send him out on his rump.

I stayed up for a while longer, watching the stars blink and wink and trying to figure out which was Kenshin and which was Kaoru. Then I stood, wobbled slightly, and made my way inside to my bedroom. If I had been sober I would have noticed the door slightly ajar, I would have noticed the moving bed, and I would have noticed the messed covers. But, in my inebriated state, I noticed nothing until I settled into my bed and realized someone was already in it.

Anger swelled up into my head, but I was too tired to wake him and shove him out. If he wanted to sleep in my bed then fine, but I wouldn't move. It was my bed after all. Guest or not, you don't take the bed from its owner. At least not in my house.

At some point I fell asleep, forgetting about Yutaro underneath me, forgetting about everything. Yet when I woke up to the sound of Yutaro's gasp and found my lips fastened firmly to neck, I was forced to remember.

"What are you doing?" he screamed.

"It's your fault. Your fault!"

We argued for what seemed like hours, heads throbbing, tears leaking from our eyes at the headaches, but our pride wouldn't let us stop. We didn't stop until our accusations and indignant replies turned into nothing more than evil glares and an occasional grunt.

"I thought you were in cahoots with Tsubame. That's what I heard in the letters."

"Tsubame has many other more capable suitors to deal with. Besides, I wouldn't want to trouble her with my problems. The Akebeko is very busy now and she is the best waitress they have. My focus is only on teaching Kaoru's style of swords, nothing more. I don't have the energy for anything else." I walked to the door silently, one hand on my throbbing temple, eyes downcast and wet as I remembered the sorrowful burial of my mentors.

"Pathetic. Yahiko, you are truly a pathetic being. What happened to your pride? Your blinding and insufferable pride? You… have changed."

"Things have happened. Many things have happened. If I am pathetic, then so be it. I can't be anything more."

Before I can leave the room, Yutaro throws me to the ground, jumping onto my stomach and threatening to hit me if I don't snap out of it. When I only stare at him, he slaps me, kisses me, then slaps me again. I can see the frustration in his face, the confusion and torment and I grab him to return the kiss.

It happened so fast I don't remember much, just that the knots on my hakama are wrenched free and Yutaro and I are back on the bed, filling each other with a pleasure and need that completes me, that brings me back to life if only for a second.

He smiled at me, a smile of content, and I feel the urge to smile back. "You are not pathetic Yahiko, you're just lost. I'll help you find your way back if you promise me that you will fight me." He presses his lips against mine, holding me against him, letting me feel his heart, feeling mine, however dead it might be. I nod helplessly, trying to find a way to make him stay.

So the first time was an accident, we were drunk, jumbled, frenzied, but the second time, the third, and all the times after that, weren't.