Emptiness.
It's what encompasses the painting now that he's examined it closer.
A swirl of dark and red colors, the eye of the spiral devoid of life. He sought for the makings of the heart. He wanted to decipher and pick apart what created it. In the end, he came to realize there was a lifelessness to this painting. Brush strokes and blending had been captured exceptionally well, if he were to admit himself, bur it lacked a message. It was an empty space, the first piece he worked on since willingly departing from his previous life.
Weeks had bled into months, and Yusuke found himself back at square one despite the many time he dragged Ren through one of his searches for beauty of the heart.
Somehow, Ann and Ryuji's insight wound up being just as important.
The heart, Yusuke realizes, has multiple faces. The beauty of a painting was one aspect, but it was simply scratching the surface. Compared to the "Sayuri", there was no gentleness from "Desire" nor was there any of its namesake.
How could it have taken him so long to realize?
His sketchpad is turned to a fresh page, rough drafts of his next idea littering the floor of his room. Looking at "Desire", he's not sure if he wants to change anything with the original design. However, there was something that needed to be added lest his artwork remain empty. The sound of graphite against paper fills his ears as he sketches aimlessly.
Multiple faces existed within a person. It was there for Madarame, and Yusuke himself exhibited it whenever he was approached by his former sensei. His true feelings did not reflect the obedient front he put on for his peers.
He saw this in his friends as well.
Ann was beautiful, but his vision of her had been shallow and near-sighted. Ren was level-headed, but the Metaverse coaxed out rebellious side that lived for danger. While he didn't know Ryuji or Morgana as well as Ann and Ren, he had no doubt they too possessed multiple sides.
The rough draft is a hastily drawn replica of "Desire", but from the center blooms a shape devoid of color. It's light, he corrects. A light that stands out although it is surrounded by desire.
He stares at it for a handful of seconds, shuffling through different color palettes in his mind when his cellphone rings sharply. Irritation pricks at him and the screen lights up once he has it in hand, reluctantly putting aside the drawing for hopefully a few seconds so he could respond to this and be on with it.
ANN: "Hey, Yusuke~!"
"Are you busy?"
This was unexpected, but not necessarily bad.
Besides he hadn't the chance to thank her for the advice. Perhaps this would be worth putting his next piece on hold for a few hours.
YUSUKE: "I am."
ANN: "Oh, that's a shame."
"I'll ask someone else then. Sorry to bother you!"
...She types too fast.
YUSUKE: "Is there an emergency?"
Three dots as she writes her next text. They blink off his screen. Then appear. Then disappear. Finally:
ANN: "Well, not Phantom Thief emergency, no. But it's something that I could use your input on, especially since it's due two days from now. If you can make it, I'll pay you back."
His mind digests the words, and for a minute he forgets about the rough drafts and empty canvas tucked in the corner.
YUSUKE: "You'd give me money if I help?"
ANN: "What?
No way! I mean, that's not what you want, is it? I was thinking more along the lines of food. I know this one stand that has the best crepes!"
He didn't have much of a sweet tooth, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't hungry. It had been well over five hours since his last 'meal'.
The minutes on his phone flip to a new number. 17:54.
...Make that six hours.
YUSUKE: "Very well. I should have money for the train fare."
ANN: "Yay! Thanks! We can meet up at the Accessway, and if you could bring your sketchbook and some colored pencils or crayons, that'd be great!"
YUSUKE: "Are you drawing something?"
"Ann?"
One packed train ride later, he finds Ann already waiting, typing away on her phone. She's still in the Shujin uniform, bag slung over her right shoulder. Her attention slides from whoever she's messaging to Yusuke as he advances. It was odd being at the accessway without the other three. In fact, Yusuke can't remember a time where he's been alone with Ann since the modeling incident.
"Hi there!" she stuffs her phone in her jacket, eyes falling to his own schoolbag. "Thanks again, you're really saving my hide. I'm sorry for calling so late."
He shakes his head. "Not to worry. It will probably take a few days to complete."
"Were you painting?"
"No, but I have a better idea now, and it's thanks to you and the others. Consider this as a way of returning the favor."
"Favor?" Confusion flits across her face before it slowly dawns on her. "Ohh! Did you mean for the 'Sayuri'? The other day at Leblanc?" At his nod, she smiles. "Well, I appreciate it, but it wasn't necessarily a favor. We were just helping out a friend, that's all."
Now it's his turn to be puzzled. "Isn't it the proper thing to pay back someone when they've done something for you?"
"Um, yeah, you are..." she coughs out a one note laugh. "A-Anyways, let's go somewhere we can sit. We can't draw while we're standing."
"Actually, it isn't impossible to—"
"Going now~!"
Their new destination is up a flight of stairs. It doesn't take long for a sense of familiarity to wash over him. The wooden floor and walls, the warm, buttery light of overhead lamps, and the smell of food that twists his stomach into knots... All these elements come together to form a harmony of a homely atmosphere. He notices there are less people than there was the day he awoke to Goemon. There's also the fact it's just him and Ann. He couldn't forget that.
When the waitress leaves them cups of water, he realizes he doesn't have enough money for a full meal.
"You know, I have some extra yen," Ann says, leafing through her sketchpad. Wait, when did she get that? "Just try not to order anything too expensive, okay?"
The menu is temporarily forgotten as his curiosity flares. It's not too difficult to picture someone like Ann drawing; it complimented her image. "I thought you said you didn't know much about art."
"I don't, which is why I asked for your help," a grin splits her lips as she pushes the pad of paper to him. "Here it is! We're supposed to have an abstract drawing done by..."
Her words go in one of his ears and out the other. Ann's art is a mosaic of different colors and shapes that interlock, overlap, and stand alone. Yusuke supposes the emotions it's supposed to evoke is chaos, but her usage of colors contrasts with this initial feeling. There are streaks of white where she failed to fill in the shapes (he has half a mind not to color them in himself). Closer inspection reveals that she used mixed media, primarily pencils and crayons.
Yusuke understands abstract artwork relied on visual language to convey its meaning. But what Ann has created... It… It—
"It hurts my eyes."
There's a pause and Ann's brows furrow in offense. "Hey, no need to be so harsh! I've never heard of this style before."
"M-My apologies, I meant," he tries to backpedal. The neon colors reflect on the white sleeves of his shirt. Did crayons even come in neon shades? "It's certainly... abstract. If a bit too abstract. For one, you've used too many colors."
"But... Aren't you supposed to use different colors?"
"You are," his finger grazes one of the shapes, and he's almost surprised when the wax doesn't stick to him. "Using bright shades would have complimented the drawing and give viewers an idea of your theme. When I look at this, I see chaos."
Pink dusts her cheeks from embarrassment. "It's not that bad!"
"Please don't misunderstand me; I mean it in a good way. I can tell your trying to convey a form of disorganization through jagged and sharp lines. But one half of your drawing is in blinding colors while the other uses soft shades reminiscent of pastels," he slides the sketchbook in her direction. "Here, look at it again."
She does, scrutinizing her own work with narrowed eyes. Tap, tap, tap, goes her pencil. He can hear a hum pressing against the back of her lips. "Soo... I should just use one color palette then?"
"That is one idea, yes," he says. "It would make your piece more consistent."
"Hmmm…"
"Though perhaps it's better if you start over."
Seconds drip by.
Five, six, seven...
Ann groans and presses her forehead against the drawing. "This took me hours and you're saying I have to start again?!" she says... or that's what Yusuke thinks she says. It's hard to hear when her mouth is smooshed against a surface.
"I thought you wanted an Exemplary grade."
She looks up, frowning. "Oh come on, this is at least Satisfactory!"
"I beg to differ."
"Well, I can't be you!"
"That's impossible. No one can draw like me. I'm—"
"Never mind," she sighs, tearing out the page, scrunching it up from the center. "I think I have another idea, but I need you to tell me if something looks funny. Also..." Ann gestures to his bag. "Before I begin, mind if I look at some of your drawings? I feel they could really get the inspiration going."
"Of course," he doesn't waste another moment. As he flips back the cover, he's met with a myriad of doodles surrounding a still life drawing of a bottle. They had been practicing with the value scale and cast shadows.
It wasn't his best artwork, but the look on Ann's face said she disagreed. "This looks really good... It's as if I could actually touch it."
"Thank you," he says. And he means it.
While she's leafing through, the waiter returns, asks if they're ready. Yusuke was too busy thinking of ways to improve Ann's work that he forgot to look over the menu, and they've been waiting quite a bit to put their waiter back on hold.
"Uh... How about the tonkatsu?" Ann suggests.
Yusuke hesitates. He isn't exactly craving pork tonight, but... "Y-Yes, that's fine. Extra rice, please."
The waiter leaves, Ann returns to scrolling through his drawings, and Yusuke laments for a heartier meal. He should've looked over the menu...
Ann laughs.
"What's so funny?"
"This—" she chokes out, showing the picture. "That's Ren, right?"
Indeed it is; it's the one he drew in Kanda. Somehow, he managed to capture the disgruntled look on his face.
"What were you making him do?"
"I had asked him to model that day. I was hoping to capture anguish, but it didn't work out as I intended."
She's looking through a little faster this time. "Was that related to our meeting at Leblanc?" At his nod, she continues. "I see... Well, it'll be nice to see what you come up with. I mean, you'll share it with us, won't you?"
"I don't see why not." True he does intend on entering it in Kawanabe's competition. But if all ended well with the completed piece, it wouldn't hurt to show the others. "You were all a vital help to me, so I have no reason to withhold it from you."
"Thanks," Ann says with a smile, and she closes the sketchpad, reaching for her own. "I think you've helped give me more ideas." At this, she draws a few lines with her pencil. He hears it scraping as she makes sharp curves, bold lines, forming different figures and shapes with each flick of her wrist. From where he sits, it's hard to tell what she's drawing, so he leans in a little. "Should I use pencils for this, or highlighter?"
Yusuke blinks. Once. Twice.
"Did you say 'highlighter'?"
Her pencil stills. "Yeah? That's what I used for all those bright colors last time."
"Who...?" the disbelief nearly stuns him into silence. "Who on earth uses highlighters for art?"
"I do? The paper gets a little damp, but it dries," she pauses. "Should I... not use them, then?"
"If you want to use markers, there's a special type for that. I would buy some, but they're rather expensive and paint is cheaper." Sometimes. "But I would advise not to use highlighters since they're not meant for art. You'll end up with more blank space than color by the time you finish."
"Alright, no highlighters then," she says, but there's no offense laced in her voice. "By the way, I think I'm just about finished. Wanna see it?"
"That's why I'm here."
This one is a lot more sophisticated, yet still maintains the abstract theme. He can make out a roof and large doors, and he assumes the drawn-in lines of the shape are supposed to represent stone walls. The image almost melts into the remainder of the page. He can see the ghosts of faded pencil marks from what he assumes is going to be a mesh of colors. Compared to the last image which was a jumbled mess, this one takes form.
It's almost impressive. It's a 2D drawing, but with the right amount of shading, Ann could make it come to life.
"Impressive," he comments, and Ann brightens at his praise. "It's not a bad house."
And the smile immediately drops from her face.
"...What's wrong?"
Her cheeks are red again and she wrenches the drawing from him with an exaggerated groan. "I-It's not supposed to be a house!" she nearly wails. "It's a castle! Can't you tell by the walls and the drawbridge? It doesn't even have windows – houses do."
Oh.
"And why can't castles have windows?"
She scowls. "You know what I mean!"
"I..." he fumbles with his words, but the truth is out before he can reel it back. "I don't think drawing is something you're very good at, Ann."
This time, he's not met with a verbal retort, and he scans her face for any sign of offense. Her eyes are widened and mouth slightly agape. The gathering silence feels less comfortable and more awkward and Yusuke's suddenly wishing he could just leave. But he doesn't because that'd be rude to Ann... plus, he's still waiting on his food.
It's the second time that night Ann laughs. It's almost mirthless this time. Nothing like the laugh she gave when she saw the silly drawing of Ren in the church. Nothing like… any of her laughs, really.
Worry needles into him.
"You're... not the first person to tell me that," and she averts her gaze, voice quiet. "Don't worry, you didn't offend me. It's just..."
He says nothing.
Neither does she.
"The castle that I drew? It's supposed to represent the first Palace we infiltrated – when it was just me and the other guys. The Metaverse itself is very abstract, but you probably don't need me to tell you that," she rests her chin on her hand. "Looking through your drawings, it made me think about our first target. Anyone else who looks at this won't know the significance of it, but you guys will. I'm not looking for it to get an Exemplary mark. I want it to mean something even if I'm the only one who understands it."
Yusuke takes in her words. It was odd how her school assignment reflected everything he'd been searching for since Madarame's confession. But while Yusuke looked to it for inspiration and the theme of his next piece, Ann needed it for one thing and didn't seem to mind if others failed to grasp its meaning.
"What you said reminded me of someone. My best friend. Her name's Shiho," her expression softens, and part of Yusuke wants to freeze this moment in time and capture it. It reminds him when she talked of the 'Sayuri'. "The first thing she said to me was 'Takamaki-san, your drawings are really bad'. It was nice because she was the first person to talk to me as if I was a normal person."
"Ann..."
Her eyebrows knit together. "But things changed when Kamoshida showed up. I suspected something was happening, but in the end, there wasn't anything I could do to stop her from trying to kill herself."
His heart stutters at those words. There had been too many students that he knew that tried to end it all, that had enough of Madarame's plagiarism or couldn't pick themselves up after being thrown out. "She... tried to commit suicide?"
"Yeah. Kamoshida made her one of his victims," she curls her hand into a fist, knuckles bleaching. "For a while I tried flirting with Kamoshida so he'd keep her on the volleyball team. A lot of rumors spread and had I not met Ren, things may have been the same. Or worse."
Ryuji had told him of the incident at Shujin, but it was different hearing it from Ann. Yusuke didn't know about Shiho and he didn't know about Ann and Kamoshida. He remembers hearing Kamoshida's confession on the news, how a gym teacher randomly had a breakdown and spilled all his crimes at a school assembly. He remembers Madarame's mood souring at the announcement, at the mention of the Phantom Thieves. He remembers feeling horror at the abuse the students went through and how it reminded him of his own. And last, he recalls the disgust he felt when he heard Kamoshida had sexually harassed his female students.
There's another memory lying under there, one that is not too old but not too new either.
His phone was in his hand, and he was glaring at Ren and Ryuji.
("Nude, meaning it'll be without any clothes, right!? Why are things suddenly escalating like that!?")
("Because those are my terms.")
At the time, all he could think about were the consequences. The desperation he felt in that situation was no different from the desperation he felt when he just barely made the deadline for one of Madarame's exhibits.
But it didn't excuse his actions.
It didn't excuse him for cornering Ann.
And it certainly didn't excuse him from not realizing this sooner.
Ann had been a victim of Kamoshida's sexual advances. He hadn't thought she was one of the students to face her teacher's harassment. Her reluctance to model for him, Ryuji threatening Yusuke to not "try anything perverted", Ren and Ryuji standing in front of her protectively after he tailed her from the train...
Everything added up.
He feels sick.
Disgusted with Kamoshida and Madarame, but more than that, himself. To rely on such underhanded tactics to get what he wanted was something self-consciously hammered into him by Madarame.
...Perhaps he was not so different from his former sensei after all.
The bile rises in his throat.
He didn't deserve Ann's kindness even if they were part of the same team.
"I owe you an apology."
"Huh?" shock lights her face, conflicting things further. She was either too forgetful or too forgiving. "For what?"
Words were not Yusuke's forte. Generosity had been shown through gifts or acts of kindness. But words? They tied his tongue, clogged his gums and squeezed his throat. His apologies always felt empty and devoid of meaning. Whenever he apologized to Madarame after 'time out', he'd be scolded for not sounding sincere enough. He hated the words, and if he could speak in only paint and art, he would.
He swallows. It's hard to look at her, but he needs to.
"I'm no better than Kamoshida or Madarame..."
Ann's shock simmers into a glare. "Don't say shit like that. What's all this about, Yusuke?"
"When you came to model for me that day," his appetite is beginning to dissolve from the nausea. "I threatened to sue you and the others when you questioned me about Madarame. Then I placed you in an uncomfortable position, forcing you to nude model for me even though you didn't want to."
"...Huh?"
He lowers his head in a pathetic attempt of a bow, or however one bows while sitting. The bubbling guilt is too heavy for him to care. "I'm truly sorry. I was being selfish and thinking only of myself. I didn't consider your feelings and I understand if you can't forgive me for doing such a thing."
"Yusuke, hold on a minute," Ann exhales heavily, pinching between her eyebrows. "You... don't have to apologize to me. You were a victim as much as the rest of us were. There's no telling what Madarame would've done if you didn't make him the art he wanted. I mean... Yeah, it wasn't something I wanted to do, and limiting my choices didn't exactly make me comfortable being in that atelier."
He winces. "I'm so—"
"Don't apologize," she quips. "I'm not done yet. What I'm trying to say is that I understand and what you did wasn't 'right', but you're nothing like Madarame or Kamoshida. They're not victims and they went out of their way to hurt others. You didn't do that. The more time you spent with us, the more I realized that you are a caring person. Even when we were in Madarame's Palace, you were worried for the other students. If you were like them, you wouldn't have cared."
Yusuke swallows, unable to look at her. The way his glass drips with sweats suddenly looks far more interesting than maintaining eye contact with Ann.
She begins to put away her materials. "I'll finish this when I get home. I'm going to take all your advice and I'll send you a picture of the finished project," When the table is cleared, she returns to the subject at hand. "Thank you though... for apologizing. Honestly, I kinda forgot about it while we were in the Palace."
"You're... too forgiving, Ann," he says, fatigue creeping into his limbs. He's suddenly very tired.
"I wouldn't say that," she smiles. "You're my friend, and it'd be wrong to hold that over your head. You were cornered too, you know."
He opens his mouth to speak, but the arrival of the food silences him. Ann thanks the waiter and gestures towards the bowls. "Hey, eat up! I'm paying for both of us, so I don't want it to go to waste!"
Warmth blooms in his chest. He's not sure if it's gratitude for Ann paying for his meal, or if it's because Ann is just very generous and forgiving. The more he talks with her, the more he realizes his initial view of her really was shallow. Ann was beautiful on the outside and inside. She had suffered at the hands of rotten adults (and him), but she still picked herself up.
Was it weird to look up to her even if they were in the same grade?
"Thank you, Ann," he finally says, breaking apart his chopsticks. There's extra rice, just as he asked, and he can feel his hunger renewing. "I'm very lucky to have a friend like you."
"Stop it," she blushes. "You know, I'm lucky too. I have so many wonderful friends in my life – you, Shiho, Ren, Ryuji, and Morgana... I was alone for so long, but thanks to you guys, I now have something to look forward to."
He can feel a smile of his own tugging at his lips. "I feel the same. And whenever we are in the Metaverse, I will do all I can to protect you and the others."
"I don't doubt you will," she giggles. "But don't push yourself too hard. Besides, I'll be watching your back too. Also... consider this payment for helping me with my homework."
It's funny, he thinks while he takes a bite of the tonkatsu, How a meal shared with another person could be much more filling than eating by yourself.
And as he chances another look at Ann, he decides adding a little more color in "Desire" wouldn't hurt after all.