I've written quite a few stories for Hawaii Five-0 and Grey's Anatomy, but this is my first Last Ship fan fic. At this point, I don't know how long this story will go. That will probably depend on how long my inspiration lasts and how well everyone responds to it.

Please let me know your thoughts and give reviews. Keep in mind that I am not a professional so you will undoubtedly find grammatical errors. If and when you find them, please be kind.

I do not own the Last Ship nor any of it's characters though I do admit to quite an imagination where they are concerned; Especially the incomparable Tom Chandler.

Here we go…

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Captain Tom Chandler continued to fold the few civilian clothes he had aboard and place them in to his bag as if on auto-pilot. Walking off the Nathan James for the last time was going to be one of the most difficult moments of his life.

Over the last twenty-five years, the Navy had been his life. It was where he found his identity and purpose. Apart from marrying Darien, joining the Navy had been the best decision Tom ever made. It was difficult being away from her and his children for weeks and sometimes months at a time, but it was undeniably easier for him to handle with the sailors who had become his family as well.

So much had changed in a comparably short amount of time. Life had become like a science-fiction novel except it was their reality. While he'd unwittingly been protecting Rachel as she worked to save humanity, his sweet Darien had been taken by the same plague that had decimated most of the world's population. He'd arrived too late to save her and it hurt like hell knowing she died without him….To know that his children witnessed their mother dying and he wasn't there to comfort them.

If only he'd arrived in Baltimore sooner, maybe Darien would still be with him. It was a nightmare he couldn't shake nor could he stop his mind from dwelling on the "what ifs". Thinking on such things did no good, however. Darien was dead. It had been months and it still stung to think the word let alone say it out loud.

And it wasn't only his loss of Darien that had broken him. There were so many others:

His dad…..

Jeffrey Michener….

Valarie…

Tex…

Not to mention Mason, Cosetti, Cruz, Chung, Frankie, Ravit….and all the other sailors who were HIS responsibility.

And even Rachel.

Rachel was gone.

He let her walk away that night in St. Louis. He watched her walk away instead of fighting the urge to stop her and have her come back…..if only for the night. If he would've followed his heart that night, perhaps she would still be here too.

The faces haunted him every night when he closed his eyes in a vain attempt to sleep. It was futile to even try; Even the mild sedative Doc Rios had given to help him sleep didn't work as his mind refused to rest. He saw them…..and heard them….He felt the crushing guilt of how he let them down.

All of them.

It was the same nightmare every night. Their deaths were on him and the weight of his failure was becoming more than he could bear. Waves of grief would come over and he felt as if he couldn't breathe as he tossed and turned.

Simply put, Tom Chandler wasn't the man he'd eighteen months ago when this journey began. He was broken to the point where he doubted he would ever recover. At least not enough to command a naval shipl

However, there was still one area of his life where it might be possible to find redemption; Something he could possibly do right:

Ashley and Sam needed him and he'd be damned if he was going to let them down any more. It was what had driven him to make the difficult decision to leave the Navy. His life as Captain of the Nathan James was another part of his life that would be gone, but he could no longer deny that Ashley and Sam needed him. They needed to be his priority going forward. Tom had lost a lot, but he was an adult….a sailor….and a Captain in the U.S. Navy. Loss was part of the job no matter how difficult it was to accept.

But Ashley and Sam were still children.

They were his children….his flesh and blood….his babies.

Tom could still remember how sad they were the morning he'd left on this "mission". Even though they tried to be brave, their hugs had been fierce and tight. Holding them close, his eyes had moved to Darien only to see tears in her eyes mirroring his own. Leaving them was always so difficult. He recalled the conversation when he promised it would be his last mission for a while. He told them he would return soon and be back so long they would get tired of seeing him. Of course, those were all promises that never came to fruition and the events that had followed instead had undoubtedly caused them to wonder if their Daddy would ever be home. The guilt he felt over not being there for them was yet another piece of the puzzle weighing him down. He had abandoned them.

Mike and Sasha were urging him to reconsider his retirement and insisting that the Navy still needed him, but he simply couldn't justify what he had done. His children may have been the motivating factor behind his decision to leave, but they weren't the only reason.

Simply put, he had crossed the line and took justice into his own hands. Mike Slattery may have been sincere in voicing his opinion that Tom had only acted on instinct after carrying the weight of watching so many of the people he loved die. Mike and Tom had come up through the ranks together and knew each other like brothers. Perhaps even closer than brothers since they had seen battle together as well as marriages, the births of their children, and everything else in between. However, regardless of what may have pushed Tom "over the edge" into killing Allison Shaw, the bottom line was that he had taken justice into his own hands and killed someone in cold blood.

Remembering how he had lectured and chastised Rachel for doing the same thing with Neils gnawed at him. Had he really been that self-righteous?

Slattery had disagreed, but Tom still felt as if he should hold himself to a higher standard as captain of the ship. It was for that reason….and his failure to live up to it…..that Tom felt no choice but to resign his commission and retire.

Sasha hadn't been happy with his decision to leave. In fact, she'd shown up in his room that morning demanding that he put his uniform back on. He would've chuckled at her audacity had his heart not been shattered inside his chest.

Sasha…..

Beautiful, intelligent, tenacious….. and sassy Sasha.

She came in to his life like a hurricane the first time and completely knocked him for a loop. He was her superior when they first met but that hadn't stopped them from having an affair that had been conversely grounding and unsettling. Sasha infuriated him at times, but always kept him on his toes. She was a challenge he'd hated to let go, but life had other plans and they eventually moved in different directions.

It wasn't long after he and Sasha broke up that he met Darien and the rest was history, so to speak.

Now Sasha was back and the second time around had been much like the first: Her appearance had been unexpected and she had succeeded in easily turning things upside down again. He loved her fire…her spunk…and dare he admit it, even her sass. Truthfully, he may even be willing to try a relationship with her again. It was a thought that had crossed his mind since seeing her again, but so much had changed. A relationship with Sasha wouldn't be happening in his near future. He had his children to think about and they had to be his primary focus from that moment on. Besides, Tom knew he was a mess inside and doubted any amount of therapy could pull him out of the dark hole he'd fallen in to.

At least not yet.

For now, he wanted to get his kids and try to assimilate a normal life for them again…..whatever the "new normal" would be after everything they'd known and everyone they loved was gone.

Tom heard Sasha's chastisement as well as her plea for him to reach out to Kathleen. He knew she was right, but he didn't feel he had the strength to face her. Tom had never considered himself a coward, but he felt like one now. Tex was the only one they'd lost who left a child behind. It could have so easily been him dying that day instead of Tex. How was he to tell the girl who had already lost her mother and only recently reconnected with her father that he was sorry for her loss? Regrettably, he ignored Sasha's plea, finished packing and moved to leave his room for the last time.

Then, acting on impulse, he stepped back to kiss Sasha before walking out. He knew it was wrong, but he needed to feel her lips again if only for a few precious seconds and he selfishly took what he wanted.

He walked out and started down the hall. After only a few steps, he stopped and reached into the pocket of his jacket and returned to his room. He found Sasha sitting on his bed with her head in her hands. She heard the door open and lifted her head. Her beautiful blue eyes were filled with tears and the pain he saw behind them brought a lump of emotion to his throat. He reached his hand out and she looked at the envelope in his hand.

"What's that?" she asked as her voice cracked.

Tom took in a deep breath and sighed. Sasha couldn't help but notice that even his "sigh" sounded pained.

"Can you please give this to Kathleen for me? Please?"

"You wrote her a letter?" Sasha couldn't contain the contempt in her voice. "She just lost her father…..a man who had become one of your closest friends…and you wrote her a letter?"

Tom looked down at the floor before looking back at Sasha again. "I can't do it, Sasha."

Sasha stood up defiantly with fire sparking again in her eyes, "Well, you're going to have to find it in yourself to do so, Sailor, because I will not." She crossed her arms in front of her and lifted her chin. As if reading his earlier thoughts, she continued, "What if this was Ashley? You know it could've just as easily been you we lost on that plane. Would you have wanted Mike….or Danny…or Burk….or Wolf leaving her to cry all night and then taking her a letter of condolence? Dammit, Tom, you owe her that much!"

With those words, Sasha left him slamming the door behind her.

Tom knew she was right, but how in the hell was he supposed to find the strength to do so when he felt like such a failure…..and a fraud?

He stood in the room for a few minutes more before picking his bag up again and walking out. Rather than making his way out to the outer deck where the crew was waiting for him to disembark, he walked towards Tex's room first.

He stood outside of the door willing himself to go in. He sat his bag down and gently knocked on the door. He heard her muffled permission for whomever was outside to come in, so he opened the door. She was sitting on the bed with Tex's jacket wrapped around her as she raised a tear stained face to meet his gaze.

Tom walked in slowly and closed the door behind him. He silently pulled a chair up to sit beside her as he fought the emotions he was feeling and tried to think of what to say. Tom rested his elbows on his knees and looked at the floor. Kathleen sensed the turmoil he was feeling as they sat in silence. When he lifted his eyes to meet hers, she was surprised to see tears there as well. She may not know Captain Chandler well, but from what she had seen and what her dad had told her, he was a man of strength and honor. Seeing the pain in his eyes moved her and any anger she may have felt for his absence the night before diminished.

"I'm sorry," his voice cracked. "I am so very…..very sorry, honey. If there was anything I could've done…"

Kathleen reached out and took his hand before squeezing it supportively. "My dad knew what he was doing," she said. "He told me there was only one man on the planet more stubborn than him…..even though that other man would probably argue that fact." She gave him a small smile and Tom knew Tex had been referring to him.

They were both stubborn, no doubt about it. He'd ordered Tex off the plane, but the man had found a way back in to give him back-up. Tom would've undoubtedly done the very same thing had the situation been reversed.

"He was a soldier," she said softly and confidently. "I always knew there was a chance he would leave and not come back. After we both survived the red flu, I thought maybe fate was on our side for a change…..but…."

Realizing what she'd said, she stopped herself and saw Tom flinch as the truth of that statement hit him. She squeezed his hand again "But he knew what he was doing."

"Your dad was a good man. One of the best I've ever had the privilege to serve with." Tom's voice was thick with emotion.

Tears filled her eyes again. "You're a good man, too. He really admired you, ya know."

They sat in quiet silence a bit more before Tom looked at her. "What will you do now?"

Kathleen shrugged, "I'll probably go back to my grandfather's ranch. Or…..I don't know…I haven't really figured it out yet."

"Will you promise me something?" Tom asked.

She shook her head and Tom leaned forward to envelope her in his arms to hug her tightly. "Let me know when you get settled again. And promise me you will call me if there is ever anything …..and I mean anything…you need. Will you do that?"

She sniffed against him as he felt her shake her head in agreement.

He reached back into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out the letter he had written for her. "When you feel ready, read this."

Kathleen took the letter into her hands and looked at him quizzically. "What is it?"

"A letter…..from me…with all the things I wanted to say to you but couldn't say today." He gave her a sad grin. "It'll also tell you how to reach me."

They said their goodbyes and Tom left with a heavy heart.

Seeing the entire crew of the Nathan James on deck to meet him was emotional and Tom wondered for the 1,000th time if he was going to survive the day. Stopping in front of Mike Slattery, he saluted.

"Permission to go ashore for the last time."

"Permission granted," Mike agreed begrudgingly.

As Tom walked off the ship, he heard his former XO's remark: "Don't look back." He listened to that advice, as difficult as it was to do so, as he continued to make his way on to land.

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