Summary: When Piper is 8 months pregnant, bed-ridden and going stir-crazy,
all she can do is write crazy ramblings in her diary.
Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)
Piper Halliwell's Diary
January
15 January 2001
weight - growing. fast. is because of baby, is not me. calories - 3000; v. bad. although am eating for two, so good. 1000 calories for me and 2000 for baby. oh my, will be very fat baby. cigarettes - none. do not smoke, so do not know why cigarettes are being monitored. surely am not considering smoking after birth of baby. would be v. bad and would get wrinkles quickly. do not need extra wrinkles as Leo does not age and then would look even younger than me.note to self: ask elders to make Leo age. times Leo orbed out today - 15. times Leo orbed out in last half hour - 5. times screamed at elders - cannot count that high.
12.05 pm -- Am getting fatter and fatter with each day. Prue and Phoebe are being mean. v. v. mean. Will not let me cook because they don't want me on my feet. Am overwhelmed with strong feeling towards them. What would that feeling be called.oh yes, rage. Not rage like when hate-demon infected us. Also have rage towards Leo for continuously orbing out. Hate elders. Ooh, have rage to elders too.
12.30 pm -- Prue is pissed at me. Probably bruised too. Got mad at her for disturbing me while writing and so threw pillows at her. She laughed at me. Gave me pillows back, which was good because I regretted throwing nice comfortable pillows away. Told me the only reason they are putting up with me is because am moody because of pregnancy. She said that otherwise she would be wringing my neck. Wanted to wring her neck. Stupid cow. Always thinking she is right and thinking that she is the almighty Prue Halliwell. Showed her. When she turned to leave I blew up everything she walked by. Tee hee. She freaked. Haha. Cannot stop laughing.am utter genius. Love self.
12.35 pm -- Shit. Came to realization that sweet revenge on Prue came at high price. Blew up most of my bedroom. Hm. Now that I think about it, one of us should have the power to clean up messes, because demons really mess up our house. So does my power. Perhaps I should have cleany-uppy power because, after all, Phoebe's always too lazy to clean Manor after demon attacks and Prue's always on a 'I'm the queen of the demon vanquishing world' high because she thinks she is Wonder Woman, so I am designated Manor cleaner. Should have second marriage to Mr. Clean. May as well be called Mrs. Halliwell-Wyatt-Clean. Speaking of husband, where the hell is Leo? Am going to call him. Now.
1.30 pm -- Leo finally orbed in. Mmmm.so sexy. Hate one thing about pregnancy. Cannot shag Leo. Otherwise, lurve baby because can eat loads of extra food, can be moody, have servants in form of sisters, do not have to vanquish nasty, gnarly beasts and Leo is extra sweet and lovely. That is, when he is actually here. Perhaps should handcuff Leo to bed to make sure he doesn't leave. Ooh, handcuffs.bed. No! No! No! Piper, no! Must not think like that because is too tempting. Besides, Leo can orb out of handcuffs, can't he? Hmph. Need other solution. Have loads of time on hands because am immobile blimp who is confined to bedroom.
3.50 pm -- Am bored. V. v. v. bored. Need TV in bedroom. Have strange craving to watch Jerry Springer and snack on kibble. Yes, kibble. Have always wondered what kibble tastes of. Crunchy, probably. Ok. Have a plan. Will sneak downstairs, grab car keys, drive to pet food store, buy kibble, come home. Sit on couch and rest for a bit. Will need a breather. Then will take about 10 minutes to lift fat self off of couch, and will grab kibble and TV and retreat back upstairs. Sounds good. Then will have kibble and TV at my disposal. Am supersmart. Am queen of the Manor. Prue can eat my dust.
Part 2
16 January
11.34 am -- Mission 'Sneak-out-of-house-to-buy-kibble-then-take-kibble-and- TV-upstairs-to-bedroom' was, you guessed it, Impossible. Made it to door. Of bedroom, that is. Hmph. But Leo brought TV for me. Would not bring kibble. Cannot understand why.
12.03 pm -- Wish could zap little baby into protective bubble momentarily so that I could get food/kibble/TV/shag.oh, did not write last word. Was not me speaking.hm. Besides, baby-bubble does not exist, and do not want to zap baby, whether it be a good zap or a bad zap. Zaps can be harmful. Why am I rambling on about zaps? Probably because am walking, rather, propped upright, watermelon (ooh, bad memories.). Strike that, am not watermelon, am.giant tapioca ball from Chinese bubble tea. Ooh, Chinese bubble tea. Mmm. Where's Phoebe???
12.55 pm -- Ooh, lurve Chinese bubble tea. Lurve having Phoebe as little slave, too. Phoebe knows that she has to do whatever I say because am pregnant and am confined to bedroom. Are walls getting closer?? Wouldn't surprise me. Mmm.Chinese bubble tea v. v. good. Tapioca balls v. v. slimy. Still undecided as to whether I actually like tapioca balls. However, will continue to slurp them for joy of eating/drinking/slurping. Perhaps will take extra I'm-very-pregnant-so-I-have-loads-of-spare-time spare time to get in touch with guru again. Would not like to blow baby up. Would be v. v. messy. Oh, and upsetting. Yes. Yes.
However, last time tried guru spiritual cleansing process I actually blew up guru. Was not amused. Well, have nothing else to do, so will become guru spiritually in touch with mind, body and baby person. Will be fun. See, have started already! Am thinking positive and hence feeling better. Must be Chinese bubble tea and slimy tapioca balls. Now I like tapioca balls, despite slimy-ness and embryo resemblance. Hope am not actually eating embryo. Would be yucky as well as bad for human rights. Bad, bad.
2.05 pm -- Just realized that do not understand what is happening on Days of Our Lives. Have not watched since was v. v. lazy and trying to open P3. Do not know new characters. Only know Over-Acting-Whisper-Face John, Been- Around-For-Ever Marlena and Why-The-Hell-Can't-The-Police-Catch-Him Stephano. Bo and Hope there too. What happened with that whole Princess Gina thing? Why are Belle, Belle's Brother and Shawn D big teenager kids now? Am v. v. confused. Austin and SAMI? Yuck. Liked Carrie better. And I thought that soaps were easy to follow and you didn't need to tune in for 3 years and you'd still know what was happening! Am v. v. wrong. Will not watch Days again. Too confusing. Need sleep. Bye bye.
20 January
7.45 pm -- Mmmm. Lurve lurvely Leo. So sweet. He made dinner and brought it to me. We ate together on bed.was so nice. If was not pregnant would have surely. Well. Only one month more of special treatment...and celibacy. I feel an evil grin spreading across my face. Ooh, am bad pregnant mother! Oh, Leo!
9.04 pm -- Gahh!!!! Gahhhhh!!!!!! Walls..closing...in! Help! Help!!! Am going to be crushed alive!!! Wait..walls have stopped moving. J'ai peur. I'm scared. Leo!!!!! Phoebe!!! Prue!!!!
9.15 pm -- Hate sisters and sort of hate husband. Think I am joking, but am not!!! Is unfair.no one listens to the pregnant lady. My demands should be met, god dammit, and I want the walls to stop moving! They don't believe me, they think am simply going stir crazy and reassure me that only one more month left. But I know the walls will get me before then..I swear.
9.18 pm -- Just re-read last entry. Sounds like joke. But is not. If was not so fat and immobile would measure distance from bed to wall and measure same distance again in morning. Then I would show them. Must attempt to sleep now, but rather than sugar plum fairies dancing about in head, have sugar plum moving walls dancing about. Hmph.
Part 3
25 January
12.01 pm -- Walls definitely moving. Bedroom was always quite big -- teased and taunted Prue because she gave up lovely large bedroom -- but now bedroom is not lovely and large, is size of a kitty litter box. Not literally, but figuratively of course. If literal, my fat stomach would not fit. Am still freaking out over decreasing air space in bedroom, but sisters aren't listening. Hopefully Leo will. LEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12.45 pm -- Leo scared. Went to ask Elders why bedroom so small. Have not seen Leo so scared before. Am going to die. Will surely die. Will most definitely die. Will be crunched by walls. Stupid walls. Am going to kill walls. Wretched, hard, boring.ooh, I'm hungry.
1.30 pm -- Mmm, lurve pickles and prunes. Yummy. Ooh, Leo just orbed in.
Time.irrelevant -- AM GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Leo..said..wait. Can hardly breathe. Am freaking out. Ok. Shiiiiiiiit! Leo said walls are closing in because evil wants the baby. My baby. My poor, tiny little bubble occupying baby. Dumb demon. Evil demon. Ooh, that's an oxymoron. No wait, opposite of oxymoron. Well then, I am the moron. Yes. Whatever. Is irrelevant, because, remember, am going to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Leo went to get Prue and Phoebe so they can do some spell, but I don't think we need a spell, we need an exorcist. No, am not like Linda Blair child. Am not projectile vomiting. House is not projectile vomiting either but is possessed. Ooh, did not like being possessed myself. Was not fun. But did do dirty little dance on top of bar. Actually enjoyed the dance, but did not tell sisters or husband. Hehe. But getting back to me. AM GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gahhhhhhhhhh. Ooh, just turned TV on and Oprah is talking about new books. Must make note.
4 something pm -- Shiiit, shiiiit!!!! Sisters cannot get into bedroom! Door possessed like walls! Bad bad door! De-possessing spell is power of three spell. How the hell can we vanquish walls (hopefully will not actually vanquish walls because would very much like privacy to change and shag and the like.) Oh yes, how the hell can we vanquish walls with two sisters on one side and the fat, neurotic sister succumbing to claustrophobia on the other side???!?!?!? Am doomed. Am very very doomed.
Some time at night (it's dark outside.) -- Am also complete retard. Leo can orb. Ha! Haha! HAHAHHAHAH! I have beaten you walls. Dummies. Oh Leo!!! Come save me and orb me into the hall to vanquish the walls!! Oh sexy saviour whitelighter man who happens to be my husband!! Come hither!! Now!
Leo doesn't respond well to snapping fingers in impatient customer in restaurant style. However, Leo is quite cute when he's annoyed. :evil Leo said he would orb me out but I had to be nice to him. Told him to stuff it because I was being nice. Obviously Leo didn't like that so he left. Without me. Hmph. He'll be back soon. Cannot let me be squished. At least I hope he wouldn't want me to be squished. Would be very mean. If Leo doesn't come back I will never kiss him again. Ooh, but that would be too hard because he is such a good kisser. Well, I wouldn't.do his laundry anymore. Would be good because hate doing laundry and would be really amusing to see Leo try to work washing machines. Hah! That's really really funny! Hahaha. Am genius. Will avoid work, get revenge and be entertained all in one go! Excellent.
Oh shit. If Leo doesn't come back, I won't get out so I won't get revenge or be entertained.dammit. But will avoid work. Only positive point. Dammit Leo, come back! It's been forever. Well, only 10 minutes, but is eternity to disgruntled pregnant lady with swollen feet. Grrr.
Part 4
26 January
6.05 am -- Oof, tiny baby playing soccer inside of me and just tried to score winning goal with massive kick. Times like this wish could kick baby back. But would never ever do that because I love my baby too much. Evidently demonic evil people lurve my baby too, because walls are continuously moving closer. Am not being psychotic now, because literally live in box now. The only furniture here is the bed.and that fills the whole room. Am getting pissed off!!!! Speaking of piss..I really gotta pee. Leeeeeeeeooooooo!!!!! Hurry please, or else pea sized bladder will explode and will be very yucky inside box bedroom.will smell like alley behind P3. Ooh that's nasty. Leeeeeoooooo!!!!
Midday (sure, I can read and write, but those clocks are way too complicated.) -- Oy, this is Piper's baby here. Surprised? That's to be expected. You're probably wondering how in the world I'm talking and writing to ya here. Well, that's a secret. Ha. But I'd be willing to share that secret with you if you tell my mum to stop yelling so I can get some pre-being born sleep. I mean, I'm not gonna sleep after I'm born, so I need all the sleep I can get NOW! When I'm born, I'm gonna be awake at all hours of the day, and that's a promise. Revenge is sweet, isn't it?
1.45 pm -- Am hallucinating. This time for real. How the hell did that entry get in here? Am v. v. V. confused! To my knowledge, baby has been wrestling uncomfortably in womb for last 9 months, so did not escape, write journal entry and then crawl back into my tummy. Think would have noticed slimy little goo baby leaving my body. Not exactly something that happens everyday. But do have hallucinations every so often, so will just attribute angry fetal ranting to hallucinogens. Will have to create potion to put in baby bottle to make sure baby does sleep. What a little so and so, telling me it won't sleep. And if baby knew that am yelling to save baby's fresh little ass, I don't think baby would be in any hurry to tell me to shut up. Hmph. Now, must get out of treasure chest. Have dubbed nasty box bedroom 'The Treasure Chest' to make me feel better. Makes me feel like am a beautiful treasure that sisters, Leo and demons all desperately want to open. Ooh, feel better already.
Part 5
29 January
1.56 pm -- Lurve the lurvely Leo. Oh, and lurve sisters too. Have freed me from demonic-baby-hunters-who-make-bedrooms-shrink. Do not know how, and frankly do not care how treasure chest was opened and jewel inside was saved, but am grateful. Grateful that now sisters can reach me to bring me food, magazines, books and the like. Haha, am v. v. mean. Speaking of sisters and food, have craving for Thai food with ice cream...Pheeeeeeebeeeeeeee!
3.08 pm -- Ooh, Pheebsies is pissed at me! Understandable, though, because threw cold ice cream at her. Then blamed it on baby-still-inside-tummy. Want baby to be born so can actually blame destructive actions on it without getting very bizarre responses. Come to think of it, will be many years before baby is strong and smart enough to throw ice cream at Pheebsies, so cancel previous thought. Actually, no, do not cancel previous thought, because want baby out of tummy so am not fat and ugly and bedridden. Actually, am not ugly, am treasure inside treasure chest. Well, not anymore, but hope Leo still thinks of me that way. He better, or else I'll have to ge... Oh shit. Shiiit alors! Either water just broke or just did a really big piss in the bed. Am praying for the latter.no, former. Oh Christ. LEEEEEEEEOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
30 January
1.48 am - Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Baby is coming and baby hurts like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note: am not actually writing this during labour. Am not that screwed. Am simply doing birth-reenactment. Enjoy.)
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Give me drugs dammit!!!! Desperately want drugs!!!! Leo, heal me. Now!! Leo, heal me! Heal me!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! Or at least let me pass out! I like that better. Let me pass out. No, no, not another push! MOFO!!!
Fast forward through goopey gross birth bit
Ooh, have delightful little bundle of life in arms. Welcome to our crazy mixed up world, little Melinda! We will love you forever.until you become a rebellious teenager like Prue was, and then perhaps we may cease to love you.
Just kidding!
Here and now is where our new life starts. Melinda, you and Leo are my life. To you. Forever.
P.S. Whoa, that is the first serious sentimental-y thing to be written in diary. Coincidence that it was written after pregnancy??
Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)
Piper Halliwell's Diary
January
15 January 2001
weight - growing. fast. is because of baby, is not me. calories - 3000; v. bad. although am eating for two, so good. 1000 calories for me and 2000 for baby. oh my, will be very fat baby. cigarettes - none. do not smoke, so do not know why cigarettes are being monitored. surely am not considering smoking after birth of baby. would be v. bad and would get wrinkles quickly. do not need extra wrinkles as Leo does not age and then would look even younger than me.note to self: ask elders to make Leo age. times Leo orbed out today - 15. times Leo orbed out in last half hour - 5. times screamed at elders - cannot count that high.
12.05 pm -- Am getting fatter and fatter with each day. Prue and Phoebe are being mean. v. v. mean. Will not let me cook because they don't want me on my feet. Am overwhelmed with strong feeling towards them. What would that feeling be called.oh yes, rage. Not rage like when hate-demon infected us. Also have rage towards Leo for continuously orbing out. Hate elders. Ooh, have rage to elders too.
12.30 pm -- Prue is pissed at me. Probably bruised too. Got mad at her for disturbing me while writing and so threw pillows at her. She laughed at me. Gave me pillows back, which was good because I regretted throwing nice comfortable pillows away. Told me the only reason they are putting up with me is because am moody because of pregnancy. She said that otherwise she would be wringing my neck. Wanted to wring her neck. Stupid cow. Always thinking she is right and thinking that she is the almighty Prue Halliwell. Showed her. When she turned to leave I blew up everything she walked by. Tee hee. She freaked. Haha. Cannot stop laughing.am utter genius. Love self.
12.35 pm -- Shit. Came to realization that sweet revenge on Prue came at high price. Blew up most of my bedroom. Hm. Now that I think about it, one of us should have the power to clean up messes, because demons really mess up our house. So does my power. Perhaps I should have cleany-uppy power because, after all, Phoebe's always too lazy to clean Manor after demon attacks and Prue's always on a 'I'm the queen of the demon vanquishing world' high because she thinks she is Wonder Woman, so I am designated Manor cleaner. Should have second marriage to Mr. Clean. May as well be called Mrs. Halliwell-Wyatt-Clean. Speaking of husband, where the hell is Leo? Am going to call him. Now.
1.30 pm -- Leo finally orbed in. Mmmm.so sexy. Hate one thing about pregnancy. Cannot shag Leo. Otherwise, lurve baby because can eat loads of extra food, can be moody, have servants in form of sisters, do not have to vanquish nasty, gnarly beasts and Leo is extra sweet and lovely. That is, when he is actually here. Perhaps should handcuff Leo to bed to make sure he doesn't leave. Ooh, handcuffs.bed. No! No! No! Piper, no! Must not think like that because is too tempting. Besides, Leo can orb out of handcuffs, can't he? Hmph. Need other solution. Have loads of time on hands because am immobile blimp who is confined to bedroom.
3.50 pm -- Am bored. V. v. v. bored. Need TV in bedroom. Have strange craving to watch Jerry Springer and snack on kibble. Yes, kibble. Have always wondered what kibble tastes of. Crunchy, probably. Ok. Have a plan. Will sneak downstairs, grab car keys, drive to pet food store, buy kibble, come home. Sit on couch and rest for a bit. Will need a breather. Then will take about 10 minutes to lift fat self off of couch, and will grab kibble and TV and retreat back upstairs. Sounds good. Then will have kibble and TV at my disposal. Am supersmart. Am queen of the Manor. Prue can eat my dust.
Part 2
16 January
11.34 am -- Mission 'Sneak-out-of-house-to-buy-kibble-then-take-kibble-and- TV-upstairs-to-bedroom' was, you guessed it, Impossible. Made it to door. Of bedroom, that is. Hmph. But Leo brought TV for me. Would not bring kibble. Cannot understand why.
12.03 pm -- Wish could zap little baby into protective bubble momentarily so that I could get food/kibble/TV/shag.oh, did not write last word. Was not me speaking.hm. Besides, baby-bubble does not exist, and do not want to zap baby, whether it be a good zap or a bad zap. Zaps can be harmful. Why am I rambling on about zaps? Probably because am walking, rather, propped upright, watermelon (ooh, bad memories.). Strike that, am not watermelon, am.giant tapioca ball from Chinese bubble tea. Ooh, Chinese bubble tea. Mmm. Where's Phoebe???
12.55 pm -- Ooh, lurve Chinese bubble tea. Lurve having Phoebe as little slave, too. Phoebe knows that she has to do whatever I say because am pregnant and am confined to bedroom. Are walls getting closer?? Wouldn't surprise me. Mmm.Chinese bubble tea v. v. good. Tapioca balls v. v. slimy. Still undecided as to whether I actually like tapioca balls. However, will continue to slurp them for joy of eating/drinking/slurping. Perhaps will take extra I'm-very-pregnant-so-I-have-loads-of-spare-time spare time to get in touch with guru again. Would not like to blow baby up. Would be v. v. messy. Oh, and upsetting. Yes. Yes.
However, last time tried guru spiritual cleansing process I actually blew up guru. Was not amused. Well, have nothing else to do, so will become guru spiritually in touch with mind, body and baby person. Will be fun. See, have started already! Am thinking positive and hence feeling better. Must be Chinese bubble tea and slimy tapioca balls. Now I like tapioca balls, despite slimy-ness and embryo resemblance. Hope am not actually eating embryo. Would be yucky as well as bad for human rights. Bad, bad.
2.05 pm -- Just realized that do not understand what is happening on Days of Our Lives. Have not watched since was v. v. lazy and trying to open P3. Do not know new characters. Only know Over-Acting-Whisper-Face John, Been- Around-For-Ever Marlena and Why-The-Hell-Can't-The-Police-Catch-Him Stephano. Bo and Hope there too. What happened with that whole Princess Gina thing? Why are Belle, Belle's Brother and Shawn D big teenager kids now? Am v. v. confused. Austin and SAMI? Yuck. Liked Carrie better. And I thought that soaps were easy to follow and you didn't need to tune in for 3 years and you'd still know what was happening! Am v. v. wrong. Will not watch Days again. Too confusing. Need sleep. Bye bye.
20 January
7.45 pm -- Mmmm. Lurve lurvely Leo. So sweet. He made dinner and brought it to me. We ate together on bed.was so nice. If was not pregnant would have surely. Well. Only one month more of special treatment...and celibacy. I feel an evil grin spreading across my face. Ooh, am bad pregnant mother! Oh, Leo!
9.04 pm -- Gahh!!!! Gahhhhh!!!!!! Walls..closing...in! Help! Help!!! Am going to be crushed alive!!! Wait..walls have stopped moving. J'ai peur. I'm scared. Leo!!!!! Phoebe!!! Prue!!!!
9.15 pm -- Hate sisters and sort of hate husband. Think I am joking, but am not!!! Is unfair.no one listens to the pregnant lady. My demands should be met, god dammit, and I want the walls to stop moving! They don't believe me, they think am simply going stir crazy and reassure me that only one more month left. But I know the walls will get me before then..I swear.
9.18 pm -- Just re-read last entry. Sounds like joke. But is not. If was not so fat and immobile would measure distance from bed to wall and measure same distance again in morning. Then I would show them. Must attempt to sleep now, but rather than sugar plum fairies dancing about in head, have sugar plum moving walls dancing about. Hmph.
Part 3
25 January
12.01 pm -- Walls definitely moving. Bedroom was always quite big -- teased and taunted Prue because she gave up lovely large bedroom -- but now bedroom is not lovely and large, is size of a kitty litter box. Not literally, but figuratively of course. If literal, my fat stomach would not fit. Am still freaking out over decreasing air space in bedroom, but sisters aren't listening. Hopefully Leo will. LEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12.45 pm -- Leo scared. Went to ask Elders why bedroom so small. Have not seen Leo so scared before. Am going to die. Will surely die. Will most definitely die. Will be crunched by walls. Stupid walls. Am going to kill walls. Wretched, hard, boring.ooh, I'm hungry.
1.30 pm -- Mmm, lurve pickles and prunes. Yummy. Ooh, Leo just orbed in.
Time.irrelevant -- AM GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Leo..said..wait. Can hardly breathe. Am freaking out. Ok. Shiiiiiiiit! Leo said walls are closing in because evil wants the baby. My baby. My poor, tiny little bubble occupying baby. Dumb demon. Evil demon. Ooh, that's an oxymoron. No wait, opposite of oxymoron. Well then, I am the moron. Yes. Whatever. Is irrelevant, because, remember, am going to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Leo went to get Prue and Phoebe so they can do some spell, but I don't think we need a spell, we need an exorcist. No, am not like Linda Blair child. Am not projectile vomiting. House is not projectile vomiting either but is possessed. Ooh, did not like being possessed myself. Was not fun. But did do dirty little dance on top of bar. Actually enjoyed the dance, but did not tell sisters or husband. Hehe. But getting back to me. AM GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gahhhhhhhhhh. Ooh, just turned TV on and Oprah is talking about new books. Must make note.
4 something pm -- Shiiit, shiiiit!!!! Sisters cannot get into bedroom! Door possessed like walls! Bad bad door! De-possessing spell is power of three spell. How the hell can we vanquish walls (hopefully will not actually vanquish walls because would very much like privacy to change and shag and the like.) Oh yes, how the hell can we vanquish walls with two sisters on one side and the fat, neurotic sister succumbing to claustrophobia on the other side???!?!?!? Am doomed. Am very very doomed.
Some time at night (it's dark outside.) -- Am also complete retard. Leo can orb. Ha! Haha! HAHAHHAHAH! I have beaten you walls. Dummies. Oh Leo!!! Come save me and orb me into the hall to vanquish the walls!! Oh sexy saviour whitelighter man who happens to be my husband!! Come hither!! Now!
Leo doesn't respond well to snapping fingers in impatient customer in restaurant style. However, Leo is quite cute when he's annoyed. :evil Leo said he would orb me out but I had to be nice to him. Told him to stuff it because I was being nice. Obviously Leo didn't like that so he left. Without me. Hmph. He'll be back soon. Cannot let me be squished. At least I hope he wouldn't want me to be squished. Would be very mean. If Leo doesn't come back I will never kiss him again. Ooh, but that would be too hard because he is such a good kisser. Well, I wouldn't.do his laundry anymore. Would be good because hate doing laundry and would be really amusing to see Leo try to work washing machines. Hah! That's really really funny! Hahaha. Am genius. Will avoid work, get revenge and be entertained all in one go! Excellent.
Oh shit. If Leo doesn't come back, I won't get out so I won't get revenge or be entertained.dammit. But will avoid work. Only positive point. Dammit Leo, come back! It's been forever. Well, only 10 minutes, but is eternity to disgruntled pregnant lady with swollen feet. Grrr.
Part 4
26 January
6.05 am -- Oof, tiny baby playing soccer inside of me and just tried to score winning goal with massive kick. Times like this wish could kick baby back. But would never ever do that because I love my baby too much. Evidently demonic evil people lurve my baby too, because walls are continuously moving closer. Am not being psychotic now, because literally live in box now. The only furniture here is the bed.and that fills the whole room. Am getting pissed off!!!! Speaking of piss..I really gotta pee. Leeeeeeeeooooooo!!!!! Hurry please, or else pea sized bladder will explode and will be very yucky inside box bedroom.will smell like alley behind P3. Ooh that's nasty. Leeeeeoooooo!!!!
Midday (sure, I can read and write, but those clocks are way too complicated.) -- Oy, this is Piper's baby here. Surprised? That's to be expected. You're probably wondering how in the world I'm talking and writing to ya here. Well, that's a secret. Ha. But I'd be willing to share that secret with you if you tell my mum to stop yelling so I can get some pre-being born sleep. I mean, I'm not gonna sleep after I'm born, so I need all the sleep I can get NOW! When I'm born, I'm gonna be awake at all hours of the day, and that's a promise. Revenge is sweet, isn't it?
1.45 pm -- Am hallucinating. This time for real. How the hell did that entry get in here? Am v. v. V. confused! To my knowledge, baby has been wrestling uncomfortably in womb for last 9 months, so did not escape, write journal entry and then crawl back into my tummy. Think would have noticed slimy little goo baby leaving my body. Not exactly something that happens everyday. But do have hallucinations every so often, so will just attribute angry fetal ranting to hallucinogens. Will have to create potion to put in baby bottle to make sure baby does sleep. What a little so and so, telling me it won't sleep. And if baby knew that am yelling to save baby's fresh little ass, I don't think baby would be in any hurry to tell me to shut up. Hmph. Now, must get out of treasure chest. Have dubbed nasty box bedroom 'The Treasure Chest' to make me feel better. Makes me feel like am a beautiful treasure that sisters, Leo and demons all desperately want to open. Ooh, feel better already.
Part 5
29 January
1.56 pm -- Lurve the lurvely Leo. Oh, and lurve sisters too. Have freed me from demonic-baby-hunters-who-make-bedrooms-shrink. Do not know how, and frankly do not care how treasure chest was opened and jewel inside was saved, but am grateful. Grateful that now sisters can reach me to bring me food, magazines, books and the like. Haha, am v. v. mean. Speaking of sisters and food, have craving for Thai food with ice cream...Pheeeeeeebeeeeeeee!
3.08 pm -- Ooh, Pheebsies is pissed at me! Understandable, though, because threw cold ice cream at her. Then blamed it on baby-still-inside-tummy. Want baby to be born so can actually blame destructive actions on it without getting very bizarre responses. Come to think of it, will be many years before baby is strong and smart enough to throw ice cream at Pheebsies, so cancel previous thought. Actually, no, do not cancel previous thought, because want baby out of tummy so am not fat and ugly and bedridden. Actually, am not ugly, am treasure inside treasure chest. Well, not anymore, but hope Leo still thinks of me that way. He better, or else I'll have to ge... Oh shit. Shiiit alors! Either water just broke or just did a really big piss in the bed. Am praying for the latter.no, former. Oh Christ. LEEEEEEEEOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
30 January
1.48 am - Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Baby is coming and baby hurts like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note: am not actually writing this during labour. Am not that screwed. Am simply doing birth-reenactment. Enjoy.)
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Give me drugs dammit!!!! Desperately want drugs!!!! Leo, heal me. Now!! Leo, heal me! Heal me!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! Or at least let me pass out! I like that better. Let me pass out. No, no, not another push! MOFO!!!
Fast forward through goopey gross birth bit
Ooh, have delightful little bundle of life in arms. Welcome to our crazy mixed up world, little Melinda! We will love you forever.until you become a rebellious teenager like Prue was, and then perhaps we may cease to love you.
Just kidding!
Here and now is where our new life starts. Melinda, you and Leo are my life. To you. Forever.
P.S. Whoa, that is the first serious sentimental-y thing to be written in diary. Coincidence that it was written after pregnancy??