Voldemort Goes Wiccan
One afternoon, Snape had the misfortune of walking in on a very disturbing scene.
"Come my minions, inhale the Goddess with me!" spoke the soon to be Supreme Overlord of the World. Yeah, right. Lord Voldemort sat in his chambers in a semi-circle of bewitched dolls that had an odd resemblance to each of the Death Eaters. Each Death Eater Doll was charmed to pass around a burning piece of parchment in which Voldemort had just inhaled from.
"W-T-F! Is that a blunt?" exclaimed Snape.
"No! It's a piece of parchment, silly goose! Come, inhale the Goddess! Take Her in…You know you want to!" said Voldemort in a sing-song voice.
"And you're sure that's not a blunt?"
"Well of course I'm sure! I'm a Wiccan!"
"Wait, isn't that a Muggle religion?"
"…um…Not anymore! I've copyrighted it! It's mine, all mine!" Voldemort screams as his eye twitches.
"Okkkk…" At this Snape slowly backs out of the room.
"Fine! Leave! See if I care!…Now where were we minions. Ah yes, now let us chant! Aaaaaaaaaaa. Ooooooooooo. Uuuuuuuuuuuu. Eeeeeeeeeeeee. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"
Later that day, at the Headquarters of the Order of Phoenix, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger are playing jump rope as the other members look on.
"Oh yeah, Harry, work it!" yelled Albus Dumbledore in a voice suspiciously close to that of the Muggle, Richard Simmons, "Ever since I came out of the broom-closet, I've been able to be my real-self! It's like totally fabulous!" as he let out a squeal like a little school girl.
Harry had stopped jumping and was staring at Dumbledore in horror when all of a sudden Snape burst through the door.
"Houston, we have a problem!"
"Yes?" spoke a stranger who had just walked out of the kitchen.
"Er…who are you?" inquired Snape.
"I'm Houston. You rang?" as he walks into the room stopping next to Dumbledore and grabs his ass causing Dumbledore to let out a girlish giggle. Everything got quiet as everyone looked on in pure horror.
"I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that." spoke Snape slowly, "Anyway, I have something to report on the Dark Lord."
"OMG! That's just fabulous! Let's hear it, girlfriend!" squealed Dumbledore.
"I thought what we had was special!" screamed Houston as he bitch-slaps Dumbledore. He runs out of the room in tears with Dumbledore behind him screaming, "Wait snuggle-muffin! I didn't mean it like that!"
Snape flops to the floor. "Why doesn't anyone listen to me? I feel so unloved, neglected, abandoned, and FAT!"
After a long pause, Harry asks hesitantly, "Why do you feel fat?"
"Well, I don't really. I just took the expression from Mrs. C. N. Riddle and Nonni426's last story. You see, the author's wanted to fit it into this story some where seeing as they've still been saying it since August, 2006. Talk about no life"
Suddenly, a voice from above screams, "C'est mon nez!" a long pause and then another voice shouts, "Okkkk, Nonni426...Snape, stick to the script!"
"Ok, ok. Harry it's your line seeing as the author's are obviously PMSing." smirks Snape.
"Are not" mutters the authors from above.
"Alrighty then…where were we? Oh yeah, so what was so important that you come bursting into our weekly jump rope session?" says Harry.
"Well, it's not that important…just that Voldemort's went Wiccan."
"Huh?" asked everyone in unison.
"Wicca, the religion of the "Witches" has long been shrouded in secrecy. It is just a religion, centering around a reverence for nature as seen in the Goddess and the God. Its spiritual roots in antiquity, acceptance of magic, and mysterious nature have made it particularly appealing. Parentheses Cunningham comma Wicca semi-colon A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner end parentheses." piped up Hermione. Everyone stared until Ron spoke.
"Damn, she's never cited her work before."
"Well, that's because last week I was in a lawsuit for plagiarism, Ron! If you ever paid any attention to me, you'd know that!" screamed Hermione as she burst into tears and bolted upstairs with Ron chasing after her. "No, love-muffin! Don't let your PMS convince you I've done something wrong!"
"Alrightly then…" says Harry, "So…is that like really bad or something, I mean Voldemort going Wiccan and everything?"
"Nope, not really, just thought I'd let you know…you know an interesting little tid bit." Snape says as he skips out the room.
Many miles away, Voldemort's minions, his real minions, stand at the doorway watching the spectacle that is Voldemort rolling on the floor screaming "She's in me, she's in me!" while the fake minions copy him.
"Hey look, there's Lucius, and Bellatrix, and hey, there's me…wait, I'm not that fat!" says Dolohov.
"Hey, Bellatrix, why don't you get on the floor and roll around with Voldemort, you should be used to it!" jeers Greyback.
"That was once! And I was drunk!" screams Bella, as she pulls out her wand and curses Greyback into next year.
Flashestoayearlater Greyback appears out of no where, looks around, and says "Damn her!" and then stumbles into a nearby forest muttering, "Wait, just wait, I'll get her next…this year!"
Flashesbacktopresent "So what should we do to get him back to his senses?" asks Lucius.
"Let's kick him!" suggests Macnair. At the many nods of agreement, all the Death Eaters rush in and start kicking the shit out of the Dark Lord.
Three days later, a great staring contest is underway between the Order and the Death Eaters. Suddenly, a voice is heard in the distance, rapidly approaching. Dumbledore soon appears overheard riding Harry's Firebolt…naked…and shouts down to Harry, "Look, Harry, I'm riding your broomstick!" he winks, and bursts into song, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, witty, and GAY, and I pity any girl who isn't ME tonight!"
Voldemort, seeing this as an excellent distraction, suddenly throws an acorn at Harry's head, "Goddess, I choose you!"
Harry stumbles backward, shouting, "W-T-F? Who throws an acorn, I mean honestly! That hurt!"
Out of nowhere, a huge acorn falls from the sky and hits Voldemort on the head.
"Oh, no! The three-fold law! It's come to get me! Please, Goddess, forgive me!" Voldemort drops to his knees and begins to light a piece of parchment, screaming, "Aaaaaaaaaaaa. Ooooooooooooo. Uuuuuuuuuuuuu. Eeeeeeeeeeee. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" and donning his ritualistic robes.
Harry, looking on in interest, exclaims, "Hey, nice robes! Is that a blunt?"
"No!" shifty eyes, "It's a ritualistic piece of burning parchment used to inhale the Goddess!"
"Hey, could you, um, teach me?" asked Harry.
"Sure, we could hold a circle! I can teach everybody! All are welcome in the religion of the Goddess!" At this everyone starts murmuring excitedly.
Harry asks, "What does this circle…entail?"
"First, we shall Worship and then Bella will perform…the Oral Sex!…But first you will have to answer three questions…What IS your name?"
"…um…Harry Potter?"
"What IS your favorite color?"
"Er…Blue."
"And what IS the airspeed velocity of a unladed swallow?"
"Well, African or European?"
"Yay, the Goddess accepts you! Come, now let us worship!"
One hour later, Death Eaters and Order alike, are sitting in a circle chanting, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Oooooooooo. Uuuuuuuuuuuu. Eeeeeeeeeeee. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii."
"Ok, everybody, good job, the Goddess is pleased, now the moment you've all been waiting for….the Oral Sex!" exclaims Voldemort as the crowd begins to cheer, "Bella, you're up!"
Suddenly, Dumbledore appears overhead once again, and lands beside Harry, "Harry, you're in great PERIL!"
"I don't think I am."
"Yes, you are! I'm here to save you from the peril!"
"Can't I have a little bit of the peril?"
"No, it's too perilous!"
"I can handle the peril!"
"No, you can't!"
"I bet you're gay!"
"Um, duh! Now come, let's ride this broom!"
"No, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second timer."
"Well, that was highly uncalled for!"
Harry suddenly throws an acorn at Dumbledore.
Dumbledore says, "It's only a flesh wound!" Before falling over backwards unconscious.
"Now, how about some of that Oral Sex!" Harry says, turning back to the circle. Everyone begins to cheer and pants fly into the air.
The End
A/N: To clear some things up: "C'est mon nez" means this is my nose in French...Another thing...this story is kinda based on true events involving me and Nonni426...we did go around sniffing burn pieces of paper and did indeed refer to it as "inhaling the Goddess"...also the chant with the whole Aaaaaaaaa. Oooooooooo. etc. is really a Wiccan chant called the Goddess Chant...Nonni found it in her Wiccan book as Hermione cited :-p ok so any Wiccans out there better not take this offensively, it is just a joke...to tell the truth Nonni is actually studying Wicca as we speak...ok so I think that's it :-p
Yours,
Mrs. C. N. Riddle
P.S. The last few lines are from Monty Python and the Holy Grail...sorry don't want to get sued! If you haven't seen it I demand you watch it now! Do it!
Soo... my cousin wrote the above authors note and I thought it summed everything up pretty well so... yeah. Don't mind the Mrs. C N Riddle signature... I could never be that evil :-D
AND MONTY PYTHON FREAKING ROCKS
R.E.Ravenclaw Bids you farewell, and happy reading!