"Mario! I'm supposed to be the one who works on the master bathroom!"
"No, Luigi, you're wrong! I'm supposed to work on this bathroom. It's in our contract!"
"What contract?"
"The one I signed earlier this morning!"
". . . There was a contract earlier this morning?"
"Yeah, but you were too busy catching some z's after last night's party."
"If you're referring to the incident-"
"Yeah, I'd say it's an incident . . ."
"- with the princess, bro, you should know that I didn't get closer than two feet to her."
"Uh huh. Tell it to our contractor."
"Who is our contractor, anyway?"
"None other than Princess Toadstool herself!"
"WHAT?!"
"Yep. She told me everything-"
". . . Everything?"
"- and because of the party last night, she needed a mechanic to fix the bathroom."
"What happened in the bathroom?"
"You're such a moron, Luigi. You of all people should know what happened in the bathroom last night."
". . ."
"That's right. Now get back to work before I give you a savage beating."
"What do you want me to do?"
". . . Nobody, if possible. . ."
"Did you say something, Mario?"
"Nope. You get to do the guest bathroom."
"What? You call that a bathroom? It's more of a closet than anything else!"
"What would you sooner do?"
"Is that a trick question?"
"Do you want it to be a trick question?"
". . . No."
"Fine. You can help me fix the master bathroom."
"Yay! Thanks, Mario!"
". . ."
"Ooooh! Look at the size of that stool! I bet if I stand on top of it, I can touch the ceiling!"
". . . Careful, Luigi. If you get too close to the ceiling, we might have to put it in our contract to fix that, too."
"Hyuk hyuk. Very funny."
"I thought it was. You wanna start earning your pay?"
"Huh? I wasn't listening . . ."
"Mama mia . . ."
"Fine. Okay. I'll get to work . . ."
"Thank God . . ."
" . . . On the bathtub!"
"Mama mia . . ."
"Hey! What are you working on?"
"The faucet, you moron. It's in the contract; which by the way, clearly states you need to be working on the guest bathroom."
"Ooooh, Mista Mario's getting edgy."
"I'm getting dangerously close to physical violence if you don't start working!"
"So how much are we getting paid, today?"
". . . I'M getting paid by going out to dinner with Toadstool."
"Really? Can I come?"
"Not until you fix the bathtub?"
"Really? What happened in the bathtub?"
". . . You tell me."
". . ."
"Uh huh. Now shut up and get to-"
"What're you gonna eat?"
"You know what?"
"What?"
"'Doesn't matter."
"Huh?"
"Nevermind, Luigi. You're a lost cause."
"Wait. . . you said I was a lost child last week!"
"That too."
"No, really! What are we gonna have for dinner tonight?"
"I told you! I'M going out to eat with Toadstool!"
"And I asked if I could come!"
". . ."
"Well? Can I?"
"When I said I was going out to eat, it meant ME and not YOU!"
"The weather is really nice outside today. Why do we have to work inside, Mario?"
". . . Because we have work to INSIDE - where the PLUMBING is!"
"So can I come with you and Toadstool to the restaurant?"
"If you get the stains off the bathtub, we can put your name in the contract, too."
"REALLY?!"
"Gotta scrub it all off, first, though."
"No problem, boss!"
". . . Of course, there's a problem, you loafing sack of lasagna . . ."
"Did you say something, Mario?"
"No, no. I didn't say anything . . ."
"So . . ."
"Luigi . . ."
"What?"
"Could you please shut up?!"
"I didn't hear what you just said - speak up!"
"Mama mia."
"What about your mom?"
" . . ."
". . ."
". . . Luigi?"
"Yeah?"
"Could you hand me that stool over there?"
"This one?"
"No - the one in the department store down the street. WE ONLY HAVE ONE!!!"
"What's the magic word . . .?"
"Luigi . . ."
"The word?"
"Luigi . . ."
"Wrong. Guess again."
"If you don't give me the stool . . ."
"Ah! That's seven words! You don't get that many guesses!"
"Could you please give me the stool, Luigi? With sugar and sprinkles on top?"
"Well, when you put it that way . . . sure!"
". . . Thank you, Luigi."
"You're welcome, Mario!"
". . ."
" . . . So what's for dinner?"
". . . Spaghetti."
"Oh, okay."
". . ."
"Where at?"
". . . Pavarotti's."
"Isn't that the name of a famous Irish tenor?"
". . ."
"All done!"
"What?"
"I said, 'All done!'"
"I heard you the first time, fool. You can't be done now."
"And why not?"
"Because the Princess clearly stated in the contract how much worked need to be done on the bathtub."
"Did she really?"
"Luigi - you're such an idiot."
"Sorry? I got a piece of lint in my ear."
"Do you have any idea what you did last night, Luigi?"
". . ."
"I think you do, but I also think you're too stupid to know the consequences."
"What kind of consequences?"
"Like having my wedding ring say hello to your face. Multiple times."
"I don't think wedding rings can talk, Mario."
"I know. It's so hard not to beat you to a bloody pulp right now."
"Did you say something?"
"You oughtta have those ears of yours checked out."
"I don't think it's fair that you get to go out with the Princess after work."
"And why not?"
"Because I do just as much work as you do."
"Luigi - she's my WIFE."
"I know that! I'm just saying: why do you always have to leave me out of everything?"
"Because I'm Mario, and you're Luigi. It's that simple."
"I don't get it."
"Look, people like seeing Italian plumbers beat the crap out of tyrannical, oversized lizards and sweep hot chicks off their feet as they save the world. People also seem to like good mustaches."
"Really? But we're mechanics."
"WERE mechanics, Luigi. But now, now that a certain plumber has fame and fortune alike, he figured it was time to settle down with a good- looking wife and enjoy the good life."
"Yeah . . . Yeah! That's exactly what I was trying to say!"
". . ."
"You see, I'M the Italian plumber you were talking about! I helped beat up lots of oversized lizards . . ."
"But you never got to sweep ladies of their feet, did you?"
". . . No."
"And you never really saved the world, did you?"
". . . No."
". . . That's sad."
"But I still think I'm definite hero material."
". . . You know what, Luigi?"
"Who is this 'what' you speak of? Guy or girl?"
"You sure know how to make a guy feel sorry for you. You wanna get some spaghetti?"
"Sure! We're leaving now?"
"Sure. It's on me, since we're taking Toadstool out to dinner."
"Great! Lets -"
"Oh, and Luigi?"
"Yeah, boss?"
"If I catch you closer than two feet with my wife, your green outfit will be abruptly turned the same color of my own."
"How do you plan on doing that?"
"You really want to find out?"
"Sure!"
". . . Okay. Come with me and we'll pick Toadstool up together."
"No, Luigi, you're wrong! I'm supposed to work on this bathroom. It's in our contract!"
"What contract?"
"The one I signed earlier this morning!"
". . . There was a contract earlier this morning?"
"Yeah, but you were too busy catching some z's after last night's party."
"If you're referring to the incident-"
"Yeah, I'd say it's an incident . . ."
"- with the princess, bro, you should know that I didn't get closer than two feet to her."
"Uh huh. Tell it to our contractor."
"Who is our contractor, anyway?"
"None other than Princess Toadstool herself!"
"WHAT?!"
"Yep. She told me everything-"
". . . Everything?"
"- and because of the party last night, she needed a mechanic to fix the bathroom."
"What happened in the bathroom?"
"You're such a moron, Luigi. You of all people should know what happened in the bathroom last night."
". . ."
"That's right. Now get back to work before I give you a savage beating."
"What do you want me to do?"
". . . Nobody, if possible. . ."
"Did you say something, Mario?"
"Nope. You get to do the guest bathroom."
"What? You call that a bathroom? It's more of a closet than anything else!"
"What would you sooner do?"
"Is that a trick question?"
"Do you want it to be a trick question?"
". . . No."
"Fine. You can help me fix the master bathroom."
"Yay! Thanks, Mario!"
". . ."
"Ooooh! Look at the size of that stool! I bet if I stand on top of it, I can touch the ceiling!"
". . . Careful, Luigi. If you get too close to the ceiling, we might have to put it in our contract to fix that, too."
"Hyuk hyuk. Very funny."
"I thought it was. You wanna start earning your pay?"
"Huh? I wasn't listening . . ."
"Mama mia . . ."
"Fine. Okay. I'll get to work . . ."
"Thank God . . ."
" . . . On the bathtub!"
"Mama mia . . ."
"Hey! What are you working on?"
"The faucet, you moron. It's in the contract; which by the way, clearly states you need to be working on the guest bathroom."
"Ooooh, Mista Mario's getting edgy."
"I'm getting dangerously close to physical violence if you don't start working!"
"So how much are we getting paid, today?"
". . . I'M getting paid by going out to dinner with Toadstool."
"Really? Can I come?"
"Not until you fix the bathtub?"
"Really? What happened in the bathtub?"
". . . You tell me."
". . ."
"Uh huh. Now shut up and get to-"
"What're you gonna eat?"
"You know what?"
"What?"
"'Doesn't matter."
"Huh?"
"Nevermind, Luigi. You're a lost cause."
"Wait. . . you said I was a lost child last week!"
"That too."
"No, really! What are we gonna have for dinner tonight?"
"I told you! I'M going out to eat with Toadstool!"
"And I asked if I could come!"
". . ."
"Well? Can I?"
"When I said I was going out to eat, it meant ME and not YOU!"
"The weather is really nice outside today. Why do we have to work inside, Mario?"
". . . Because we have work to INSIDE - where the PLUMBING is!"
"So can I come with you and Toadstool to the restaurant?"
"If you get the stains off the bathtub, we can put your name in the contract, too."
"REALLY?!"
"Gotta scrub it all off, first, though."
"No problem, boss!"
". . . Of course, there's a problem, you loafing sack of lasagna . . ."
"Did you say something, Mario?"
"No, no. I didn't say anything . . ."
"So . . ."
"Luigi . . ."
"What?"
"Could you please shut up?!"
"I didn't hear what you just said - speak up!"
"Mama mia."
"What about your mom?"
" . . ."
". . ."
". . . Luigi?"
"Yeah?"
"Could you hand me that stool over there?"
"This one?"
"No - the one in the department store down the street. WE ONLY HAVE ONE!!!"
"What's the magic word . . .?"
"Luigi . . ."
"The word?"
"Luigi . . ."
"Wrong. Guess again."
"If you don't give me the stool . . ."
"Ah! That's seven words! You don't get that many guesses!"
"Could you please give me the stool, Luigi? With sugar and sprinkles on top?"
"Well, when you put it that way . . . sure!"
". . . Thank you, Luigi."
"You're welcome, Mario!"
". . ."
" . . . So what's for dinner?"
". . . Spaghetti."
"Oh, okay."
". . ."
"Where at?"
". . . Pavarotti's."
"Isn't that the name of a famous Irish tenor?"
". . ."
"All done!"
"What?"
"I said, 'All done!'"
"I heard you the first time, fool. You can't be done now."
"And why not?"
"Because the Princess clearly stated in the contract how much worked need to be done on the bathtub."
"Did she really?"
"Luigi - you're such an idiot."
"Sorry? I got a piece of lint in my ear."
"Do you have any idea what you did last night, Luigi?"
". . ."
"I think you do, but I also think you're too stupid to know the consequences."
"What kind of consequences?"
"Like having my wedding ring say hello to your face. Multiple times."
"I don't think wedding rings can talk, Mario."
"I know. It's so hard not to beat you to a bloody pulp right now."
"Did you say something?"
"You oughtta have those ears of yours checked out."
"I don't think it's fair that you get to go out with the Princess after work."
"And why not?"
"Because I do just as much work as you do."
"Luigi - she's my WIFE."
"I know that! I'm just saying: why do you always have to leave me out of everything?"
"Because I'm Mario, and you're Luigi. It's that simple."
"I don't get it."
"Look, people like seeing Italian plumbers beat the crap out of tyrannical, oversized lizards and sweep hot chicks off their feet as they save the world. People also seem to like good mustaches."
"Really? But we're mechanics."
"WERE mechanics, Luigi. But now, now that a certain plumber has fame and fortune alike, he figured it was time to settle down with a good- looking wife and enjoy the good life."
"Yeah . . . Yeah! That's exactly what I was trying to say!"
". . ."
"You see, I'M the Italian plumber you were talking about! I helped beat up lots of oversized lizards . . ."
"But you never got to sweep ladies of their feet, did you?"
". . . No."
"And you never really saved the world, did you?"
". . . No."
". . . That's sad."
"But I still think I'm definite hero material."
". . . You know what, Luigi?"
"Who is this 'what' you speak of? Guy or girl?"
"You sure know how to make a guy feel sorry for you. You wanna get some spaghetti?"
"Sure! We're leaving now?"
"Sure. It's on me, since we're taking Toadstool out to dinner."
"Great! Lets -"
"Oh, and Luigi?"
"Yeah, boss?"
"If I catch you closer than two feet with my wife, your green outfit will be abruptly turned the same color of my own."
"How do you plan on doing that?"
"You really want to find out?"
"Sure!"
". . . Okay. Come with me and we'll pick Toadstool up together."