Dear Readers: The following story is a crack piece written for the QLFC Daily Prophet Round. Hopefully, I'll add to it whenever inspiration strikes, but for now, this is it.
Hopefully, this gets you all laughing on a Saturday morning
The Darkest Diva of his Age
"Yaxley. Snape," says a high, clear voice from the head of the table. "You are very nearly late."
The speaker sits directly in front of the fireplace, making it difficult for the new arrivals to make out more than a silhouette. As they draw near, however, Severus begins to take note of the features that shine through the gloom.
Hairless, with slits for nostrils, red eyes, and alabaster pale skin, Voldemort indicates the seat to his immediate right.
"Severus, here," says the Dark Lord, "Yaxley – beside Dolohov."
Taking his allotted seat, he waits patiently for Voldemort to address him.
"So?"
"My Lord, the Order of the Phoenix intends to move Harry Potter –"
"Darling, no," exclaims Voldemort, snapping his bony fingers in Severus' face. "So, as in what do you think of my new ensemble?"
"My Lord?"
"Oh, silly me," continues Voldemort, getting to his feet. "I haven't yet done my big reveal." He gets to his feet, and Severus is left speechless, wondering what the hell is going on, when suddenly, Voldemort leaps onto the table.
With a single fluid movement, he rips off his billowy robes and reveals himself to be wearing a sparkly-pink jumpsuit, covered in rhinestones, his look completed with a pair of Narcissa's nine-inch heels.
"Oh, I am so over Harry Potter," he declares, snapping his fingers across his face. "He is so last year, and I'm all about the present. The new plan, Death Eaters, is to take the music world by storm."
"But, My Lord," protests Snape, "What about the plan?"
"Oh, screw the plan you sallow bat," Voldemort says to resounding cheers. "I want to hear some music. Bella, start us off!"
Severus looks to his Bellatrix hopefully, hoping for some sense, when his jaw drops.
Bella's climbing onto the table, wearing nothing but skin-tight black lingerie. She brings her wand to her lips like a microphone. Slowly, sensually, she walks towards Voldemort, and her hips just don't lie.
"Draco, give me a beat," she commands, and the youngest Death Eater gets to his feet.
Severus wonders if he's hallucinating, but Merlin have mercy! Draco doesn't even have a shirt on, and his jeans are sagging so low that he can read the word Thug-Life across his student's underwear. Baseball cap and sunglasses on, Draco starts to beatbox.
"Sing it, Bella!" whoops Narcissa, throwing her hands in the air like she just doesn't care.
"If all love is clarity, baby, Cruciate me to insanity," Bella sings. It seems that Lucius is really feeling it, as he's whipping his hair back and forth.
"Reggie, hit it!" calls Narcissa, and of course, that's exactly when Regulus Black bursts through the doors and begins belting out a slew of lyrics.
"Curse away, curse away.
Ricochet, you point your wand,
curse away, curse away.
You drag me down, but I won't drown, I am titanium."
"But he's dead," mutters Severus.
"So is Elvis," says Voldemort, as he twerks upon the table, "It's called making a comeback!"
Word Count: 500